Miroku had groped Sango about twenty times. After the twentieth lump sprouted on his head, he decided to take a hint. So he hit on the village ladies instead, who giggled and flirted back and didn't brain him with giant boomerangs. He made a date to meet with one at noon, another an hour after, and a third the second hour. I am such a pimp, he thought to himself as Inuyasha stormed up to him.

   "What the hell are ya doin'? Go find us a house and pretend to exorcise something!" he snarled.

   Miroku frowned at him. "Shhh," he said. "How am I to do that if you bellow at me? Because I can't if you announce that to all the good owners of potentially demon-possessed houses, you know…"

   "Well, maybe you have a point," admitted Inuyasha grudgingly. In revenge on Miroku for daring to be so obviously right, he bared his teeth at Miroku's harem. "He has a nasty, communicable disease. 'Communicable' means you'll get it if you do perverted things with him."

   Sigh, no longer a pimp, Miroku thought as the women all remembered they were married, or betrothed, or had taken a vow of abstinence. He and Inuyasha rejoined Shippou, Sango and Kagome. The girls glared at him.

   "What? I didn't do anything!" he protested his innocence.

   "You were planning to," said Kagome with a pointed sniff.

    "Yeah, you were planning to do about a dozen female things," Inuyasha snorted in disgust.

   "Inuyasha!" Kagome snapped sternly. "Don't be so…so…"

   "Crude?" suggested Sango.

   "It's just the truth!" Inuyasha grumbled. "Damn delicate-minded bitch."

   "Houshi-sama!" scolded Sango, while Kagome sighed, "Sit!"

    WHOOSH! Miroku smirked down at the flattened Inuyasha. "Excellent move, Kagome-sama." He stepped over the prone hanyou. "Let me go find us a residence to spend the night in."

~*~

    Later that evening:

   Miroku, deprived of any chance at female companionship, was sadly driven to grope Sango's curves. Or so he said to try and keep her from adding a twenty-first lump to that day's collection. " 'Sadly!' " Sango quoted vengefully and slammed her weapon into his head twice.

   "Well, at least I'm symmetrical," Miroku philosophized. Eleven eggs were on the right side of his head to match the eleven on the left side.

   Inuyasha tromped in. "Give me ramen, wench," he commanded Kagome.

   "Wench?" Kagome asked. She turned to Sango. "Sango, is there anyone in this room who goes by the name of wench?"

   "What? Oh—no, of course not."

   "Sorry, this 'Wench' person isn't here to give you ramen, at least not right now." Kagome told Inuyasha, her face utterly serious.

   Inuyasha fumed. So the wench thought she could deny him ramen? "All right. Well then: give me ramen, bitch."

   Kagome mouthed a certain word warningly.

   Miroku clucked his tongue at the hanyou. "Try 'Kagome-sama.' Watch: Kagome-sama, may I please have some ramen?"

   "Of course, Miroku." Kagome smiled agreeably and passed a cup of instant ramen.

   "Sango-sama, may I please have the kettle?" Miroku asked, cupping her athlete's butt with one hand.

   "Of course, houshi-sama," Sango said through her teeth. She brought it down on his head.

   "See?" said Miroku from inside the kettle.

   "Feh," Inuyasha grunted. He turned his scowl to Shippou. "Stop singing you stupid kitsune!" Vengefully, he mashed the demon boy flat, before stomping out of the room.

   "What's with him?" squeaked Shippou-the-pancake. "He's in a bad mood!"

   Kagome picked him up and shook him until he was his normal three-dimensional self. "He's always in a bad mood, lately," she said with a sigh.

   "He doesn't deserve to be in a bad mood," grumbled Miroku. "If anyone ought to be in a bad mood, it's me."

   Sango glared at him. "Just because he chased off all your potential child-bearers?"

   "Yes," said Miroku mournfully. "I've been one chaste monk ever since I joined up with you wonderful people."

~*~

   The next day:

   The girls were in a river, with Kagome whispering a plan to Sango. A blush stained the cheeks of the pretty girl from the future. Miroku would have found it very interesting, but he wasn't lurking in the nearby foliage.

   Yet.

   It didn't occur to them to bathe one at a time while the other stood guard, ready to hurt the group's pervert or the group's occasional (when concerning Kagome) pervert. Today the only threat would come from Miroku, because at that moment, back at camp, Inuyasha growled, "I'm not so perverted all I think about are butts and breasts!"

   He shouldn't be able to pull that holier-than-thou attitude off. I'm a damn monk and he's a demon. Something's off with this picture. Miroku chuckled to himself. "I'm insulted, Inuyasha."

   "Oh really?"

   "I think about butts, breasts, and—"

   Shippou, eyes bulging, stuck a rock in Miroku's mouth before he could say a certain word that would change the rating of this story. "ACK! My innocent ears!" he squeaked. "Eat stone, pervert!"

   Miroku spit out the rock. "Right. Sorry, I forgot I'm surrounded by virgin ears even when the girls are gone."

   "Are your ears really virgin ears? Still?" Shippou asked Inuyasha sweetly. "Maybe if you didn't insult Kagome—"

   "Innocent ears, my ass." Inuyasha punched Shippou into a tree.

   "Anyway, I'm going to go peek on the girls now," said Miroku. "And you, Inuyasha, feel free to deny yourself the sight of two very attractive ladies."

   "Don't look at Kagome!" Inuyasha called after him. He returned to sitting in a tree and glaring at everything, especially a certain kitsune. Shippou had a point, which only made Inuyasha even more irritable.

   Meanwhile, Miroku enjoyed the sight of Sango's lean body, next to Kagome's curvier one. Heh when they were clothed, their figures seemed similarly skinny. Then they got naked and the differences were obvious. Slight curves over powerful muscles or lightly muscled curves? Miroku debated this mentally. Both had a certain allure; he'd need a better vantage point to decide for sure. He inched closer—

   THUD

   Miroku, enormous bump blossoming on his forehead, slumped forward from his hiding place. Kagome offered her hand to Sango, who looked at with confusion. The concept of a 'high five' was explained and then one was exchanged. The girls tugged on their clothes. After hauling the unconscious monk back to the camp, they deposited him roughly next to a large tree.

   "Ha," said Inuyasha, because now it was his turn to smirk at the monk. That was the only reason he hadn't stopped him from spying on Kagome, because he had known he would suffer for it. Of course, he would have enjoyed smirking much more if Miroku had been conscious.

   Kagome opened up her pack and dug out ramen cups for her, Sango, and Shippou.

   "You mind passing me up one of those things?" Inuyasha asked. He acted aloof and uninterested like ramen was some insignificant foodstuff instead of manna from heaven. "Wench?" he added because he just couldn't resist.

   "Beautiful day, isn't it Sango?" said Kagome, pretending to be engrossed in a deep conversation. She needed an excuse to sit Inuyasha so that she could then offer…

   "Why, indeed it is," Sango replied. "Warm. A perfect day for bathing in the river," she added because Miroku was beginning to stir.

   "I know. What a shame our bath was cut short," said Kagome sadly.

   Shippou slurped his ramen enthusiastically, as if to remind Inuyasha that the hanyou had no ramen of his own. Inuyasha dropped a heavy branch on Shippou. Kagome hugged the whimpering boy tightly and glared accusingly up at her sorta/kinda boyfriend. It was one of those glares that only the female of the species can fully master, a glare that delivered a message that even a dense male like Inuyasha could not fail to understand. Kagome's eyes said, 'How-dare-you-hurt-the-small-utterly-adorable-fluffy-tailed-Shippou?'

   Layered below this was syntax, from the way her nose wrinkled and her mouth pursed, to the exact alignment of every hair in her brow.

   Inuyasha was no male-female linguist but Miroku was. His grin was smug. Inuyasha, correctly translating this, at least, braced himself for his inevitable collision with the forest floor.

    "Siiii-iiiiiT!"

   Miroku's smugness vanished as Inuyasha landed on top of him.

   It was Kagome's turn to smirk. "I've discovered by changing volume, number of syllables, and emphasis, I can control the angle at which he 'sits.'"

   Unnoticed by the girls, Inuyasha, who had staggered to his knees, slammed again into the ground. Sango tentatively held up her hand and Kagome high-fived it. Then Kagome turned to Inuyasha, who was clutching the small of his back. "Damn you, I think you sprained my back."

   "Aww, poor thing. I'm sorry," said Kagome. Her face looked very remorseful, but there was a clever glint in her eyes—

   Inuyasha glared at her suspiciously. "What are you plotting?" he demanded.

   "How 'bout a backrub to make it all feel better?" Kagome asked.

  "I think you're getting fat, Inuyasha. It's just as well Kagome won't give you any ramen," said Miroku, rubbing his own back. He gave Sango a pleading look but she made no similar offer.

   "Backrub, huh?" Inuyasha considered this. It sounded nice but without a doubt, the wench would twist it somehow and he wouldn't enjoy it at all.

   "Uh-huh," said Kagome. Right now, all her closest friends at school had boyfriends and they were always giggling about the stuff the boys 'do that makes my eyes cross!' quote, unquote. She and Inuyasha had had a few, hhhmm, what was the word? Tender, perhaps? A few tender moments, but they'd always been interrupted before anything truly eye-crossing happened. And what with the way Inuyasha was always acting, he owed her some serious eye-crossing.

   "Fine, but I'm warning you, if—"

   Kagome giggled. "If you don't like it, I'll stop," she promised, arching her brows at Sango.

   Sango coughed, acknowledging the signal. "Houshi-sama, you owe us something for peeping."

   "Huh?"

   "You need to come with me. We need firewood and I'm not going to get it, not after you ruined my bath!"

   Miroku looked up into her narrowed eyes. He grinned at her, because she was attractive in a severe, strong way when her temper raged. "Of course, I would be happy to go firewood hunting with you, Sango," he said charmingly.

   "Move, don't just stand there."

   Kagome patted Shippou on the head. "Shippou, go with them. Maybe Miroku will keep his hands to himself if you're there. I don't want Sango to have to hit him so many times he gets concussed."

   "Can I have candy if I do?" asked Shippou. His eyes met Kagome's and the little grin on his face told the girl he guessed something was up.

   "Yes," Kagome agreed impatiently. She dug a tootsie roll out of her pack and gave it to him. "I'll give you another piece later."

   Inuyasha glowered at her. "I've changed my mind."

   "Oh really?" said Kagome dangerously.

   "Yeah. Feh, you are plotting something, sending them away like that," Inuyasha crossed his arms over his chest.

   "Calm down," said Kagome, thinking that her thickskulled sort of/kind of boyfriend did have his occasional flashes of insight that managed to be just insightful enough to be inconvenient instead of helpful. "I'm being nice. I feel bad."

   "Liar," accused Inuyasha, leaping to his feet.

   "Oh, sit down, will you?" Kagome said without thinking. SLAM. She clapped her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" Then she giggled without meaning to, because the betrayed, pitiful look Inuyasha gave her was just too cute.

   "Poor Inuyasha," she said, clucking her tongue sympathetically. "Now s—um, get into a position where your butt," Kagome blushed, thinking about his butt, which was, honestly, eye-crossing in and of itself, "is on the ground."

   With much complaint, Inuyasha sat up. Um, that is, got into a position where his crossed-eyes-worthy butt was on the ground. "Are you satisfied now, wench?"

   Kagome decided to ignore the 'wench.' "Not yet," she answered. Inuyasha cast a nervous look over his shoulder. There was something foreboding in that 'not yet.'

   She reached out her small hands. Guessing at where his shoulder blades were under his kimono, because she wasn't bold enough to slip her hands under the cloth, she settled her fingertips on his back.

   How is anything going to happen like this? Kagome started to make little circles with her fingers. I bet he can't even feel that, she scolded herself. C'mon, any girl in the world can be brave enough to put her hands on her guy's back. You, Higurashi, have fought with demons and ghosts. This should be nothing, right?

   Right, she answered herself. Before she lost her nerve, she tugged his kimono down on his shoulders.

   "What are you doing now?" grumbled Inuyasha.

   "Taking this off. It's in the way."

   "Stop it; it's cold out."

   "Don't be so whiny!" Kagome scowled at his back. And uncooperative, dog-boy. I just figured out what almost any other girl has over me: when she sets out to seduce a guy, I'll bet he takes the hint.

   "I'm not whining!" whined Inuyasha.

   "Ugh!" Kagome threw her hands up in exasperation. "You're hopeless!"

   "Feh."

   Kagome pondered the unfathomable denseness of her boyfriend's head. She leaned back on her elbows. Her hand fell on a rock; she picked it up and turned it over and over in her palm. She decided that the rock was more likely to make a move on her than Inuyasha.

   "Why are you pissed, Kagome? Did I do something?" Inuyasha asked after a long time, sounding genuinely worried.

   Lips curving in an involuntary smile, Kagome muttered to herself, "Okay, let's try this again." She met his eyes with her own and saw his forehead wrinkled with confusion.

   "Uh—Kagome? You look—"

   She grabbed hold of the two locks of hair that fell to either side of his face and yanked.

   "Ow, Kagome! That hurt you—"

   Right after the 'you,' Kagome kissed him to stop him from calling her a name and completely ruining what was left of the mood.

   Kagome started to feel uncomfortable. The boy was speechless, was that good or bad? She knew she had this stupid, crazy grin on her face. The world looked a tad odd because her eyes were crossed, and she hadn't even added tongue or anything.

   "All right, say something," she barked.

   Inuyasha decided to stem the prickly flow of words. He kissed her back.

   "Inuyasha—what—you—mmmmm." Her tongue traced the closed line of his mouth until his lips parted slightly. Then she slid her tongue along the inside of his lower lip—

   He broke it off, eyes bulging. Okay, so he had kissed her to shut her up, and yeah, it had worked, eventually. But he was thinking he really shouldn't have done that. Big mistake. Because now he was willing to promise this ramen-withholding wench anything if she would do that tongue thing again.

   The ramen-withholding wench in question was purring with the intense self-satisfaction of a creature that has just discovered some formerly unknown power.

   "Hey, Kagome-chan! We're back!" called Sango's voice from fifty yards away. Kagome and Inuyasha scooted away from each other.

   Miroku, firewood piled so high in his arms you could only see his eyes, laughed to himself. When one was dealing with innocents, the signs were subtle, but they were discernable to his experienced eye nonetheless. "So, Inuyasha," he asked conversationally, "are your ears still in the same state as when we were talking earlier?"

   Inuyasha tackled the monk, scattering firewood all over the clearing. Sango heaved a sigh and began to gather it into a neat pile.

   When Kagome went to help, Sango touched her lightly on the shoulder. "So? Did your eyes, er, cross?"