Spike couldn't believe it had been almost a year ago he received his soul.
"Bloody lot of good it did me…"
Okay, well only 8 months – but Spike tended to like rounding up. It just made things sound so much more impressive.
The three months he had been in England seemed to pass quicker than the previous ones had. He didn't like to admit it, but he thought it had something to do with Giles. "Bumping into each other" at the butcher shop was now a weekly event. It always led to going somewhere for a cuppa and talking. Neither one would admit it, but they enjoyed the other's company. What had started as a familiar face with a connection to Sunnydale had changed into a friend.
But both felt incredibly guilty. Giles because he was still keeping his promise – he hadn't told Buffy about Spike. Keeping it a secret was becoming more and more difficult. Lately, every time they talked on the phone, Buffy would give him the same update: "Spike's still gone." There was sadness in her voice, and anger. However, she never did tell him why he had left.
Spike hadn't either, which is one of the reasons he felt guilty about their weekly chats. He knew Giles would stake him in an instant if he knew what Spike had done to Buffy. The other reason for the guilt was that Spike still hadn't told him about the soul.
But that was going to change tonight. Spike decided it was time to stop acting like a wussy ponce. He had really started to like the Watcher and couldn't live a lie anymore.
He was currently standing outside the shop, recent purchase in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
"Spike! Fancy meeting you here." Giles came up to him and deadpanned. Both men snickered. Giles went inside for a few minutes, then came back out with his purchases.
"Fancy a cuppa, mate?" Spike asked, almost wishing the Watcher would say no. Just because he decided it was time to come clean didn't mean he was looking forward to doing so.
Alas, no – the invitation was accepted, as usual. They walked in silence to the nearest shop. After getting their drinks, they sat down in a quiet corner. Spike discreetly added his "special ingredient" from the packet from the butcher.
They were silent for a while longer. Giles could tell something was up and respected the vampire's need for quiet. Finally, Spike cleared his throat.
"Did the Slayer ever tell you why I left the Hellmouth?"
Curiosity shone in the Watcher's eyes. He shook his head and leaned forward, eager to hear the story.
Spike averted his eyes as the dam broke and the words flowed out of his mouth.
"Well, when she broke things off with me – did you know we had somethin' goin' on?"
"Yes, she finally told me a little while ago."
"Well, then. When she broke it of, I was in a bad place – drunk a lot, ended up shaggin' the demon. Whelp was not 'appy, let me tell you. The Slayer wasn't either, but there you 'ave it.
One night, I was depressed and angry and desperately wantin' to feel Buffy in my arms. I went to their 'ouse and found 'er in the bathroom. Seeing her was like a drug. My mind turned off. All I could think of was 'ow much I wanted 'er. I tried to get her to understand, to 'old me again, to want me back. And, well like all things with 'er, it turned violent. She managed to keep me off until I 'woke up' and realized what was 'appenin'.
I really do understand 'ow she could never love me. I couldn't even like myself after that. I felt so 'orribly guilty. My mind seized on the idear that it was the bloody chip's fault. I left town, went to Africa to see this demon bloke I 'eard of. 'e could see through me, though. Better'n I could, anyway. Knew I didn't want the chip out. After I passed the trials he gave me what I really wanted."
Spike paused. He couldn't believe he was finally going to tell someone this. He also couldn't believe the Watcher was taking the story so well – he should've been dust by now! Maybe he should've given the man more credit.
"'e gave me … a soul."
Giles eyes popped out of his head, and he started to choke on the sip he just took.
"Are you serious?"
Spike glumly nodded.
Giles sat silent for a minute, taking it all in. Finally:
"Why aren't you acting all guilty, then?"
"Well, near as I can figure, the soul doesn't do that much good for me. I feel guilty about things I've done recently – but no more'n before the soul. And I don't feel guilty about the chaos I caused before the chip. Anything like that. I figured, with a soul, I could go back to Sunny D and win her back. But I couldn't do that now – not when I know that, even with a soul, I'm still a monster."
Spike sighed, finally raising his eyes to meet Giles'. The Watcher sat quietly for a minute, clearly trying to think of a way to put thoughts into words.
"Spike, why exactly do you think that? Because you're not brooding and guilty like Angel?"
Spike started to say things like poof and nancy boy – keeping up the bad boy image – before suddenly stopping.
"Yeah." A dejected voice quietly answered.
"Spike, no two humans are alike – no two souls are either. Each person lives by his or her own rules and standards. Obviously, I wouldn't know, but I highly doubt William Brighton would have gotten along with Liam. Angel broods because that's how Liam would have felt.
"You,
Spike, have always been different, even pre-chip. Tell me, do you want Buffy to fall in love with a guy just
like Angel?"
"No bloody way!"
"Then why do you feel you should be like Angel before you are worthy enough to go back to her? If you want her to love you, you have to be you. The way I figure it, you aren't all broody and guilt-ridden simply because William Brighton's soul recognizes the difference between itself and the demon inside your body. Your soul doesn't feel guilty because it wasn't responsible for all the evil your body did. Angel could never recognize the difference between what the demon did and what he did.
But that doesn't mean I think you should go back to Sunnydale right now. You're not ready to win her back yet. I do not doubt you love her. I haven't doubted it since the summer she was…gone. You took care of Dawn because of the love you felt for her and for Buffy. At the time, there was no way you could know she was coming back – you weren't doing it for selfish purposes. No, I know you love her, but that's not enough. She is human. She is the Slayer. You will most likely live for a long time after she is gone for good. You have to redefine yourself. Accept this soul and use it to make a new life – for you, not her. This soul is a gift for you. Don't waste it by only living for her. You deserve more than that. Not to mention, that if you make your own life first and then try to win Buffy back, it'll be a more equal relationship. She won't have all the power. Ultimately, that would be the best situation for both of you."
"Well,
that's all well and good, but 'ow am I supposed to go about 'making my own
life'?"
Giles smirked.
"I don't know about you, but I've been extremely bored. Sunnydale isn't the only place with demons; London has its fair share. How about you and me make it a safer place?"
"'ow is that any different from me 'elpin' Buffy on the 'ellmouth?"
"I will continue to keep my promise - not say a word to Buffy about you being here. If, at some point, you want her to know, we'll tell her in such a way as to make it not look like we're just trying to get you on her good side.
However, Spike, the key to this plan is you have to do this not for yer, not for me, not for you…but because you know it's the right thing to do."
"I've known that for a long time, Giles."
"Well, let's get started then." Spike grinned. Both men drained their cups and stood. Two unlikely allies went out into the city, hunting for things that go bump in the night.