I Need a Drink
Back on the humor scene once more with this unofficial follow-up to Ham Yum Tums. This once is darker, dirtier, and edgier. Includes more wit, a plot, loads of sexual innuendo, alcohol, pick-up lines, and a barrelful of laughs. Laughs come a lot easier when things are coherent! Tell your friends! Read and review please! Thanks.
(It is Midgar, around the time of, say, Final Fantasy VII. Everybody, which includes a host of people, is in Tifa's Seventh Heaven bar.)
Cloud: So, how's everybody doing today?
Barret: I'm doing (hic) just fine! I would have been a lot better if somebody didn't (hic) serve me this goddamned chocolate beer! (hic)
Yuffie: (hee hee)
Barret: What you laughing at? DID YOU PUT THAT IN MY BEER?
Yuffie: Hee, yes. (hee hee)
Barret: Why you little &^&*^ &&^&*!
Cloud: Clam up, Barret.
Barret: You'd think she could say anythin' she wants. Cloud, ya foo'! I want my money!
Cloud: (sigh). Sheesh.
Cid: Just shut up and drink your damn TEA! God, Barret, you smell like a bunch of lousy...(sniff) HEY, where's my BEER????
Barret: I didn't have nothing to not do without it.
Yuffie: Huh? (thinks)
Cloud: I'm not gonna even ask.
Scarlet: I didn't take the beer.
Heidigger: Nor did I! I was too busy going "Gya ha ha" to take anything.
Don Corneo: I could have used that free beer.
Barret: Whassat, old man?
Cid: Huh? Hey, old man?
Don Corneo: Hey, I'm NOT an old man. And I didn't say nothin'. I was just tryin' out my pickup lines.
Scarlet: Yeah. And all of them are older than Vincent's jock itch. Kya ha ha!
Heidigger: Gya ha ha.
Vincent: Ha ha. Very funny. I could murder you both if I wanted to.
Heidigger: You couldn't hit the broad side of a-WHOAH!
(Heidigger gets his ass handed to him on a plate)
Vincent: Told ya.
Cid: Vincent, hand over my beer.
Vincent: I don't have your beer, you anal shmuck.
Cid: Whaaaat? Shmuck? Why you dirty...
Barret: Cid! Shut the ^&&&^&^& up! Jes' cool it the ***&^&^**%*&*%*& down, ok?
Cid: Eh, shaddap. So, who's got my drink? I NEED A DRINK.
Barret: I dunno.
Cid: Where's my drink?
Barret: I JES' TOLD YOU, I D-oh *(&*^*(*^. I gotta piss.
(everyone sighs and rolls eyes in unison)
Barret: It ain't such a big deal, ya googly mooglies! (runs into the bathroom stall)
(Pissing sound starts)
Yuffie: GAWD, that's annoying
Barret: That's what you get for giving me chocolate beer!
(Tinkle tinkle flood flood)
Barret: I'm taking a really loud piss, thank you very much!
Cid: So, um, where's my drink
Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!
Cid: Okay, you no-brained-shmuck.
Barret: I heard that.
Vincent: I don't know about you, but I could go window-shopping for some hookers.
(Everyone looks at Vincent)
Vincent: Oh yeah, I mean, "..."
Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!
Cloud: So, Cid, where shall we get your drink?
Cid: Ask Ms. Ho-err, Tifa to get it.
Tifa: I beg your pardon! That really blows my ass.
Cid: Believe me, honey, I would like to blow your ass too.
Cloud: (chuckles under breath)
Cid: Wanna go in the back and get...orgasmic?
Cait Sith: WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAA! UNDERAGE! (runs out of the room)
Yuffie: WHOOOOOOAAAAA! UNDERAGE! (runs out of room)
Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!
Cid: Anyway, Ms. Hoot-err, Tifa, can you get me a new beer?
Tifa: I'm all out, jackass.
Cid: Wow, so go get some more, slut.
Tifa: I gotta go down to the convenience store, cock-for-brains.
Cid: Okie dokie, Hooter Whore.
Cloud: What the hell is this, Jerry Springer?
Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!
Vincent: I thought this was supposed to have a PLOT???? Oh yeah, whoops. "..."
Cid: There IS a plot, moron! I need a beer.
Don Corneo: PICKUP LINE TIME!
Cid: Oh DAMN!
Don Corneo: Ahem. "You must have a mirror in your daddy must be a can of corn-you must be from Hooters."
Cloud: WHAAAAAAAAT?
Barret: I'M TAKING A REALLY LONG PISS, YA SHMUCK!
Don Corneo: Uh, oops, I think I got my stuff mixed up.
Cloud: Damn **^%&^&&ing straight.
Cid: HEY! That's my line! Damn &*&**&^&*ing straight.
Barret: HEY! That's my line! Damn &^&*^&&^%&ing straight.
Cid: (singsong voice) Nooooooooooone goes to Hooooooooooters for the Foooooooooood.
Barret: NO ONE GOES TO HOOTERS FOR THE FOOD OR THE FOOTBALL GAMES.
THE END