Author's Notes: And so begins the second story about a "Less than Perfect" elf. Arwen fans beware! From what I'm planning, there will be two chapters rated PG-13 for implied sexual situations. This is one of those two. Rest assured, it's all merely implied and strictly for comedy's sake. This chapter is based quite a bit on the movie. I love the books to death, but I needed a scene from the movie to make it all work.
And now for a much different note. Treehugger brought it to my attention that the acronym for Post Mandos Syndrome was PMS. Needless to say, I fell over laughing when I realized that she was absolutely right! I hadn't even thought of that! My beta didn't even catch it. Ha ha! That really made my night.
Arwen; Queen of Really Bad Timing
Arwen was frustrated. This was not the same kind of frustration experienced by someone who was having great difficulty accomplishing some task. No, this kind of frustration was different. Arwen's frustration was that of a fully developed maiden with no output for her raging hormones. She had tried everything she could think of to take her mind off of her body's longing, from needlepoint to live orc skinning, but nothing helped. She was continuously plagued by the face of her beloved son of Arathorn and the promise she made to her father years ago.
*FLASHBACK*
"You wished to speak with me, Adar?" Arwen asked as she stepped into the Lord of Imladris' private study.
"Indeed I did," Elrond sighed, setting down the book he was reading. "I do not wish to drag this conversation longer than necessary, so I will simply cut to the chase. I am aware of your love for Aragorn and I know that you are willing to give up your immortality for him. Do you deny this?"
"No, Adar," Arwen lowered her eyes. "I love Estel with all of my being and would gladly sacrifice the ageless life of the Eldar race to be with him. No one will stop me from being with the Man I love; not even you, Adar."
The half-elf sighed and rubbed one of his temples. "You know that I am completely against your decision. I have no desire to loose my only daughter to a mortal life. And yet I know that I will never persuade you otherwise, for you are more stubborn than the combined forces of all the elves and dwarves in Arda. All I ask, at the very least, is that you make me a promise."
"I shall, for I have no wish to see the face of my loving father so grieved."
Elrond nodded and grasped one of his daughter's hands in both of his own. "Very well. Remember that you are the daughter of the Lord of Imladris. And as my daughter, I want you to promise me that you shall remain untouched until you are wed."
"Untouched? Adar, I can not agree to this. I would surely die of grief if Estel could not hold my hand or kiss my cheek."
"No, no," Elrond shook his head. "I mean that you are not to let any bed you until you are married."
"I am not allowed to sleep in a bed?"
"No. You are only allowed to sleep in your bed."
"Can Estel sleep in my bed too?"
"NO! You are to sleep alone in your bed!"
"What if I get lonely and need company?"
"You shall just have to deal with it."
"What if I want your company?"
"…I suppose that would be alright."
"And my brothers?"
"Yes, yes. They may keep you company."
"Can Estel?"
"NO!"
"He can not comfort me if I am grieved over something?"
"Only if he does not touch you."
"So he can not hug me?"
"Yes! I mean no! I mean that you will not allow Aragorn or anyone else to have sex with you!"
"Oh. Why did you not say that in the first place?"
*END FLASHBACK*
That conversation still confused her to no end even now. Growling with frustration, Arwen tossed aside the book she had been attempting to read and went to speak to her father. Surely he could think of something that would stop these raging hormones that plagued her with very enticing visions of her beloved. Her mind made up, Arwen set off to her father's chambers.
When she arrived at the giant ornate door that lead into her father's bedroom, Arwen was only mildly surprised to discover that it was closed. The Lord of Imladris often liked to shut himself up somewhere in order to think in peace. Arwen raised her hand to knock, but hearing voices inside the room stilled her hand. Pressing a sensitive ear to the door, she heard her father's voice.
"Mmmmmmmm! Oh Glorfindel!"
Arwen jumped away from the door as if it had turned into an orc. My father and Glorfindel! They are…When did they…I can not believe this! Glorfindel is bedding my father! Or maybe it is the other way around! Either way, they are lovers and it sounds like they are really enjoying themselves in there! Her traitorous hormonal mind began providing her with a number of images depicting exactly what her father and Glorfindel were doing, and none of them helped the situation. In fact, they only served to intensify the burning desires within her.
Turning quickly, Arwen all but raced away from Elrond's chambers.
"Perhaps I should speak to Elladan and Elrohir instead," She said to herself as she briskly walked. "Somehow I highly doubt that Adar could stop the burning fire within me when he is too busy sating his own desires. And with Glorfindel no less! The twins should help me. They have always aided me in the past. Yes, I know my brothers will help me."
* * *
Meanwhile, inside Elrond's chambers…
"Mmmmmm! Oh Glorfindel!"
"So, does it meet with your approval?"
The half-elf smiled at his Noldor friend and took another bite out of the slice of cake in front of him. Elrond closed his eyes in pure bliss as he savored every bite.
Swallowing, Elrond spoke again to the blonde elf. "Glorfindel, it more than meets with my approval. Never before have I tasted anything so delicious! You truly have a gift for baking."
Glorfindel blushed at the compliment and helped himself to another slice. "I did not know that I could either until the baking elf got food poisoning after mistaking one of Figwit's 'miracle sauces' for icing. Apparently desperate times bring out hidden talents."
"And what talent!" Elrond cheered as he licked the last of the icing off of his fingers. "Perhaps I should appoint you as the head baker in this household. Of course, then I would be losing my best warrior and tracker. At the very least, you must bake cakes like this one more often for my family and me."
"As you wish, my lord," Glorfindel chuckled and half bowed. "Perhaps I shall grace your table with another cake tonight at dinner."
"I shall look forward to it!" Elrond beamed as he stole the remains of cake away from Glorfindel when the Noldor looked away.
* * *
"The twins can help me," Arwen repeated to herself as she hurried to her brothers' rooms. "Elladan and Elrohir can give very good advice when they are not acting like complete idiots. They have also gone through these same urges as they were growing up. Surely they can give me words of wisdom that will cease these hormonal desires."
Stopping by Elrohir's room, Arwen noticed that the younger twin was not there. She was sure that he and Elladan must have come back from their latest hunt earlier that morning. Perhaps Elrohir was in Elladan's room. Elladan's door, the next one down from Elrohir's, was closed. As Arwen moved closer, she could here voices coming from the other side of the door that distinctively belonged to the twin sons of Elrond. Arwen was about to open the door, when a low moan inside the room abruptly stopped her.
"Lower, lower. Oh yes! Yes Elrohir! Now harder. Harder!"
Arwen yelped as she backed away from the door. This can not be! Elladan and Elrohir are lovers as well? I had no idea that they were interested in incest. Oh Elbereth, from the sound of it, I would say that Elrohir is quite skilled in arousing Elladan. No! Do not think of that! Oh curse these hormones! I do not want to have mental images of my brothers going at it like hobbits! Though I do like imagining their bare chests…No! Do not go there! Oh Valar, why is this happening to me? First I find out that my father is sleeping with Glorfindel and now I have learned that my brothers are lovers as well! Will this torture not end?
"The kitchens," Arwen firmly told herself as she hustled away from Elladan's room as fast as her legs could carry her. "Perhaps a bite to eat will calm my nerves and distract my mind from these enticing images that it seems keen to show me.
* * *
Meanwhile, in Elladan's room…
"Yes Elrohir! Now harder. Harder!"
"I am pressing as hard as I can, Brother. Calm down. I am not trying to finish in a hurry."
Elladan sighed in pleasure and leaned back against his brother, thoroughly enjoying the massage he was receiving. Elrohir chuckled as his fingers vigorously worked on the tensed muscles in his twin's right arm.
"Honestly, Elladan, how many times have I warned you about overexerting yourself in our hunts? You never listen to me, though. Honestly, you are so arrow happy it is a miracle your shooting arm still works at all. Perhaps we should wait a little longer before our next hunt so your arm will have more time to relax and heal."
"Do not even think such thoughts, Elrohir," Elladan replied firmly from where he lay against his twin's chest. "We can not stop until every last orc in the Misty Mountains is slain."
"Then we will be hunting for a long time, even by elven standards, Brother," Elrohir interjected as he worked a particularly stubborn knot.
Elladan grumbled in protest, but it was half-hearted. He was enjoying the arm massage too much to start an argument. Sighing in resignation, the elder twin closed his eyes and smiled at the feel of his brother's fingers relaxing his sore arm muscles.
* * *
"Food is good. Food means eating. Eating means activity. Activity means mind on something other than elven hormones and images of Estel," Arwen continued to repeat her little mantra as she journeyed to the kitchens.
Once she was within site of the kitchen doors, a pungent odor caused Arwen to stop dead in her tracks. Foul odors emanating from the famed kitchens of the House of Elrond could only mean one thing; Figwit was experimenting with more "miracle sauce". Squaring her shoulders and raising her head high, Arwen continued toward her destination. Nothing would stop her on her quest to rid her mind and body of their burning desires, even if it meant being in the same area as Figwit and his putrid concoctions.
And who knows. If all else fails, I could eat some of that sauce and it will completely knock me out. If I am unconscious, then I will not be forced to remember what my father, brothers, and Glorfindel are currently doing.
Arwen was about to burst through the kitchen doors when she heard the last thing she ever expected.
"Yes, Lindir! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Arwen spun around on her heels and proceeded to walk in the opposite direction of the kitchens, muttering. "Food is bad. Food means kitchens. Kitchens means Figwit and Lindir. Figwit and Lindir means even more male lovers. Even more male lovers means Arwen will find no relief!"
* * *
Meanwhile, in the kitchens…
I do not need this right now. Figwit inwardly grumbled as he mixed up his latest batch of "miracle sauce". This new recipe had to be the right one. Mixing rose petals with rat spleens in a vat of boiling oil seemed to be the best possible combination. Figwit was studiously trying to get the mixture just right. Or at least that was what he was trying to do. Unfortunately, his mind was more focused on smacking Lindir in the head than figuring out the best rose to spleen ratio. His fellow Imladris elf had barged in without warning and immediately proceeded to throw completely random questions at him. Figwit had learned long ago when Lindir first started pestering him that it was always best to simply say "yes" to every question, no matter how bizarre it was, or else be thrown into a huge debate.
"Figwit, is it true that the "Ballad of Smokey the Dragon" is considered sacrilegious if it is sung under a full moon on the twelfth day of the new year when apple trees start sprouting furry pears?"
"Yes, Lindir," Figwit grumbled as he added some warg dung for color.
"And do hobbits always sprout wings and flutter about like little pixies throughout Angmar when they have consumed too much mead?"
"Yes, Lindir," Figwit's patience was starting to grow thin.
"What about orcs? Do
they really have competitions to decide who is the prettiest?"
"Yes Lin-No!" Figwit cursed as the venomous cobra he was skinning slipped out
of his hands and knocked the boiling pot over, spilling all of its contents
across the kitchen floor. He glared at
Lindir over his shoulder.
"Oh my," Lindir gasped as he sidestepped the river of boiling oil. "That was most unfortunate. Now where was I? Oh yes! Are horses really just giant fire-breathing trout that are secretly waiting for the right moment to turn us all into tree fungus? Or was that water-spouting fire demons? I can never get them straight. And is it true that clapping your hands together three times while hopping up and down on one foot while wearing the bark of an Ent will result in the transformation of dwarves into flesh eating trees for a fortnight? And did Isildur really use the shards of Narsil to pick his teeth after devouring the corpse of Oropher of Mirkwood; which caused his spirit to start a floor show with Men in dresses within the Hall of Mandos?"
That was it. Figwit snapped.
"Yes, Lindir! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
The younger elf stared at Figwit in complete shock. "There is no need to be so rude, Figwit. I only had one more question."
"Fine," Figwit growled at his companion. "What?"
"Is it true that dwarves were actually created by the Valar before the elves were?"
"Yes…wait…were they?" [1]
* * *
"Must move faster. Must move faster. Must move faster," Arwen chanted as she traveled through the halls of Imladris.
Upon overhearing the activities of Figwit and Lindir in the kitchens, Arwen had decided that putting as much distance between herself and the raunchy elves she was forced to live with was the best idea. Elbereth, am I the only elf in all of Imladris that is not getting any? Throwing all of her lessons on how a lady should behave properly aside, the daughter of Elrond found herself running out the door like a rabbit pursued by wargs. Her raven hair, unbelievably tangled from the speed of her flight, flew behind her like a dark cloak. Putting the last of her energy into a final sprint, Arwen did not stop until she was in the center of Imladris' many gardens. She gave a great sigh of relief as she flopped down on a stone bench and took a moment to catch her breath. The gardens were extremely peaceful that afternoon, Arwen noticed. It feels as though nothing can spoil the tranquility of this place.
And that was when she heard Erestor yelling from behind the bushes with great frustration in his voice.
"Who is your ada? Tell me! Who is your ada?"
Blanching, Arwen jolted up from her seat and ran right back into the house. Not even the gardens will give me sanctuary from these hormonal driven elves! Why, Valar, why?
As soon as the doors to the house slammed shut, Erestor walked out from behind the bushes with a sobbing elven child holding his hand.
"Forgive me, little one. I did not mean to shout, but I feared that you would not hear my question over your sobs. You are scared enough, lost as you are, without me frightening you more. Now, dry your tears and tell me who your ada is so that I may take you home."
Doors flew by as Arwen ran full speed through the hallways. Anyone who happened to be passing by would only have seen a blur of fluttering skirts and dark hair as the distraught Evenstar passed through. As she raced along, Arwen desperately tried to block out the voices she heard whenever she passed the rooms of her father and brothers.
"Elrohir, that is the spot," Elrond's voice could be heard from within his room. "A little harder please."
"Oh Glorfindel! Mmmmmmmm," Came Elladan's moans from another room.
"Do not listen to them," Arwen growled to herself. "They must know how much this both annoys and excites you. They are switching partners just to rub the fact that they are free to sate their desires and you are not in your face."
Arwen did not stop her flight until she burst into her own room and locked the door securely. She slumped against the door and pinched the bridge of her nose in an attempt to ward off a growing migraine. This is just great. My body is screaming for the touch of another, Estel is off gallivanting about on some adventure only Valar knows where, all of the elves here are bedding each other like hobbits (or worse, like rabbits), my body is only getting more aroused from what I am hearing, and now I have a migraine to top it all off.
"Valar, why do you torment me so?" She yelled into empty air.
Stumbling back to her feet, the daughter of Elrond went to her closets and began rummaging through them. Clothes were flung aside and various other items were tossed to the floor as she searched. After a few minutes, Arwen beamed as she pulled out the object of her searches; a long, ornate, elven sword. Gently, she ran her fingers over the curved white blade before tightly gripping the smoothly polished hilt. It would do quite nicely.
"So now it comes to this," Arwen whispered to the glistening blade. "I have sought aid and only found more frustration. If I am not allowed to find my relief in this world, then I shall find relief in Mandos' Halls. I hear he is quite handsome," As she spoke, Arwen raised the sword until the blade tip was a hairsbreadth from her breast. "Farewell my family. I am sure that you will find comfort in each others' arms after my death. Farewell my friends, for I am sure you will do just the same as my family. You hormonal rabbits will never truly understand the torture I have gone through in suppressing my desires. Farewell Estel, my beloved. My only regret is that I was never able to enjoy your sweet favors. Farewell cruel world!"
Arwen was about to skewer herself with the sword when her ears picked up the voices of several elf maids passing by her door.
"Indeed, Lord Elrond is very worried. He just received word from Mithrandir that his foster son is trying to protect several perion while being pursued by five Ulaire. [2] It is fortunate that they are close enough to Imladris that a search party may be sent out."
"I hope they are found soon," Another maid spoke up. "It must be dreadful to face those horrible black riders."
Arwen immediately burst through the doors and all but jumped on the closest maid standing outside.
"What do you mean Estel is in danger? Is he close?"
"I-I believe so, m-my lady," The maid stammered when she saw the crazed look in the Evenstar's eyes, as well as the sword in her hand. "I b-believe they are only a f-few days away. L-Lord Elrond has just sent Lord G-Glorfindel to f-find them."
Casting the maid aside, Arwen ran back into her room and grabbed her riding clothes before racing toward the stables. You had better not die before we are married, Estel. If you do, I will travel to Mandos' Halls myself just to smack you in the head.
* * *
Glorfindel was bustling about the stables, preparing Asfaloth for their journey. He lovingly stroked his beloved horse's mane as he finished tightening the saddle. Asfaloth's muscles twitched with excitement and anticipation as he nudged the golden haired elf with his nose. The stallion knew they would be going for a long ride and he was eager to get on the trail. Glorfindel laughed in response to his horse's silent pleading and quickly double checked the harnesses.
Arwen watched both of them from behind several bales of hay. I have to find Estel as quickly as possible. When I do find him, perhaps he will give me a nice frolic to relieve this frustration. We will be far enough away from here that Adar will never have to know. Glorfindel, being a better tracker than I, would undoubtedly find him first if we were both searching. That leaves me with only one choice. If I am to find Estel, then I must not have any competition. Sorry, Glorfindel, but I must take you out of the picture.
It took all of Arwen's will power to suppress an evil smirk as she stepped out from her hiding spot. "Oh Glorfindel? May I see you for a moment? It is of the utmost importance."
Curious, Glorfindel approached the younger elf. Arwen motioned for him to follow her and the reborn elf complied, despite Asfaloth's whinny of frustration. The daughter of Elrond led her old friend and teacher outside the stables to an abandoned storage shed. Once she was sure that there was no one else around, Arwen pounced. With speed and strength that only an elf could manage, she pulled ropes from a hidden spot and threw them around Glorfindel. In seconds, the elder elf was bound and gagged upon the ground. With a devilish grin on her face, Arwen dragged the protesting elf into the storage shed and secured the door. Wiping the dirt from her hands off onto her skirt, Arwen headed back to the stables.
"Now that Glorfindel is out of the way, it is time for me to find my beloved and find great pleasure in his arms."
Once she had changed her clothes, Arwen was ready to mount her own horse. However, a confused whinny stopped her. Asfaloth was restlessly pacing about in his stall, confused and worried about what was taking his rider so long to return. Arwen remembered how she had begged her father to let her keep Asfaloth when he was born, but Elrond had given the white stallion to Glorfindel instead. The golden haired elf had raised the beautiful foal into the fastest and most loyal steed in all of Imladris. Arwen smiled in triumph as she approached the restless stallion and grabbed his reigns.
"I knew you would be mine some day, Asfaloth," She whispered into the horse's ear as she mounted up. "Now let us find Estel."
* * *
Three days later…
Arwen had thought it impossible to be more frustrated than she was three days earlier. She was completely wrong. Her entire "rescue" attempt had been fouled up from the beginning. First; Aragorn had anything but pleasure on his mind when they were reunited. Second; one of the perion had been stabbed by a morgul blade and she had to ride back to Imladris with him while several Ulaire pursued her. Third; she was the only one with a horse and so Aragorn did not arrive in Imladris with the other hobbits until the next day. Fourth; someone had found Glorfindel trussed up inside the storage shed. It seemed that everywhere she went now; the golden haired elf would give her dirty looks or complain loudly about how she had stolen his horse. And fifth; Aragorn's mind was still not thinking about pleasuring his beloved now that he was finally home. Arwen had had just about enough of this.
"Either he will relieve this frustration, or I will simply jump on the first person I see and bed them immediately," Arwen vowed to the ceiling of her chambers.
With renewed determination, she rolled out of bed and went in search of her dearest ranger. She decided to check the gardens first. Aragorn had always loved the gardens while growing up in Imladris, so that seemed the most likely place to find him. As she walked, Arwen noticed that her home was more crowded than usual. The threat of Mordor and the discovery of the One Ring had sent representatives from different realms to seek council with Lord Elrond. Arwen recognized several dwarves from the Lonely Mountain that had stayed in Imladris before, though few of them seemed comfortable in a city populated by elves. A handful of elves had come from Mirkwood, including King Thranduil's son Legolas. There were also a few Men and a small group of elves from Valinor. The eldest son of Denethor, Steward of Gondor, had also just arrived that morning. Aragorn would be a bit more difficult to find with all of these new people around, but Arwen knew she would eventually track him down.
As she was passing by the vegetable gardens, Arwen's ears picked up Aragorn's voice. Beaming, she ran in the direction of his voice. This would be perfect. What could be more exotic than a romp in a vegetable garden? As she got closer, however, Arwen could make out a large amount of grunting coming from whoever Aragorn had been speaking too. Hiding behind a flowering bush, she listened carefully.
"Come on, Sam. Put some muscle into it. It will never come unless you force it."
Arwen instantly paled. Sam? Was that not the name of one of the hobbits he was with? Is it possible that our time apart has caused him to look for love elsewhere? This can not be happening! She stumbled away from the bush, still in shock, and numbly made a hasty retreat to a bench on the other side of the gardens.
* * *
Meanwhile, in the vegetable gardens…
"Come on, Sam. Put some muscle into it. It will never come unless you force it."
"Begging your pardon, Mr. Strider sir, but it just won't budge."
Aragorn glared at the turnip that stubbornly stayed in the ground. Sam had been trying to pull it out and put it in a soup that Frodo could drink while he recovered. Unfortunately, the turnip refused to be plucked from its nice cool hole in the ground.
"Step aside, Sam. I will pull it out."
Aragorn got a good grip of the buried vegetable's leaves. With a grunt, he yanked at the turnip. He suddenly understood why Sam was having such a difficult time. The turnip would not move an inch, despite the fact that a full grown Man was trying to pull it out of the ground. Its rumpled leaves waved in the light breeze, as if mocking them. Aragorn heaved an exasperated sigh as he let go and sat down on the ground next to Sam.
"That little vegetable is as stubborn as a wounded elf. Well, Sam, I guess you'll just have to pick another vegetable for Frodo's soup."
"I suppose so, Mr. Strider. I'm sure Rivendell's gardens have lots of other vegetables that my master would appreciate. I'll just keep looking then, I will."
* * *
Arwen spent the next hour trying to calm her nerves. She paced around the bench, played with the hem of her skirt, shredded leaves, and growled at everything that passed by until she felt she was ready to confront Aragorn about what she had overheard between him and the hobbit known as Sam. As she stood and made her way back to where she had last heard them, Arwen spotted two more halflings running into the woods.
"Come on, Pippin," Merry snickered. "We'll get him for sure this time."
"He won't know what hit him!" Pippin giggled as he followed the older hobbit.
Curious, Arwen decided to investigate what they were up to. After living almost all of her life with Elladan and Elrohir, Arwen had learned to sense when pranks and jokes were about to be performed; and those two hobbits were positively glowing with planned mischief. She followed closely with stealth only an elf could manage. Her sensitive eyes caught site of Aragorn in the distance and she slowed her pace. Merry and Pippin suddenly separated and ran off in opposite direction. The daughter of Elrond silently kept moving to where Aragorn stood, unaware of her presence. What are those two up to and why does it involve Aragorn?
Arwen was forced to stop when the hem of her dress suddenly snagged on a low bush. Growling, she turned her head away from where Aragorn stood and directed her full attention to freeing her skirt from the offending bit of foliage. Her head shot up when she heard a thump and a groan low enough that it could only be made by Aragorn. She looked back to where her favorite ranger had been a moment ago, but he was gone. However, judging from the sound of his voice, he was now on the ground, hidden completely from her view.
"You two are wicked little demons, coming at me from both sides like that. Ai! Do that again."
Arwen did not hear any more as she bolted away with half of the bush still stuck to her dress.
* * *
Meanwhile, in the forest…
"So we really got you this time? You didn't let us win?"
"No, Pippin," Aragorn groaned as he shoved the two hobbits off of him. "The two of you actually were able to launch a sneak attack on me. I can not get used to how silent your kind can be sometimes."
"Aw, Strider," Merry grinned as he hopped back onto his feet. "We're not that silent. It's just all of the battle training and stealth tricks that you've been teaching us while we were traveling that made the difference."
Pippin nodded his head vigorously in agreement. "So are we ready?"
"Master hobbits, I believe that after a few more lessons, the two of you will be ready to launch a sneak attack on a small group of orcs," Aragorn winced and pulled out the rock that his spine had hit when he fell over. "I just wish that you had not knocked me down on this pile of rocks. I am going to be sore for the rest of the night now."
* * *
This can not be happening. Estel can not be having affairs with those hobbits. It has to be a misunderstanding. He would not betray me like this, would he? Perhaps I am no longer desirable to him. Perhaps he did not wish to wait until after the wedding to make love. Have I completely displeased him?
Arwen paced back and forth around her room as endless questions and "what-ifs" filled her mind. She had been pacing for the past several hours and the floor was developing a very distinct groove from where she had repeatedly stepped.
"This is not helping me," She told herself. "There is only one way to answer these questions and doubts. I must speak to Estel directly. He will tell me the truth. After all, he vowed to never lie to me. Or at least that is what he said. Perhaps he just said that to cover up the truth. I must speak to him now!"
Arwen turned and headed for the door with new determination, only to trip on the edge of her self-created pacing groove and fall flat on her face.
Elrond's daughter briskly walked toward the room of the ill hobbit she had rescued, having learned from a passing maid that Aragorn had been seen there a few minutes earlier. Her mind was focused and her will was hard as iron. She was determined to get answers from Aragorn, no matter what it took. She saw that the door to the hobbit's chamber was left ajar and prepared to walk in and demand an explanation from her intended. That is, until she heard Aragorn's voice.
"Shhhh. It is all right, little one. I am sorry. I will try to be gentler the next time."
Arwen's thoughts scattered and her will melted like ice. Turning on her heel, she walked straight back to her chambers. As soon as she turned the corner, Aragorn emerged from the hobbit's room and saw Lord Elrond walking toward him.
"How fares the hobbit this morning?" The half-elf questioned his foster son.
"Frodo is recovering well, though his wound was obviously still tender when I changed his bandages. I was just on my way to find Sam. I know he will be eager to hear of his master's healing progress."
* * *
"Lady Arwen, are you all right? You seem very distressed. Is there anything I might do to help you?"
Arwen was shaken out of her self-imposed melancholy by the voice of another. She looked up and was gave a small sigh of relief to see that it was not anyone she was hiding from. After what she heard in the ill hobbit's room, she had run straight to her father's chambers. Unfortunately, the door was closed and she could hear him moaning in ecstasy over Glorfindel again. Her brothers also sounded equally occupied. She had immediately run to her favorite tree, deep in woods surrounding her home, in the hope of regaining her rapidly dwindling sanity through the quiet sounds of nature. Though she had wanted to be alone, Arwen found herself feeling grateful for the arrival of this new person.
"I am afraid there is nothing you can do to help me, Prince Legolas. But I thank you for your concern."
The son of Thranduil effortlessly scaled the tree until he was seated on the same branch as Arwen and gave her a smile. "Aragorn is worried too. You have been rather distant to him ever since he arrived. He also told me that you seem to become a mixture of disgusted and worried whenever you see him with the hobbits as well."
"He told you this?" Arwen gave the elf prince a hard stare.
Legolas was slightly taken aback. "Naturally. Aragorn and I have been friends for many years. He tells me almost everything."
"Oh really?"
"Well yes. I can not even count how many times the two of us have swapped stories around a campfire after a good spider hunt."
Arwen suddenly got an idea. "Does he speak about me?"
"Absolutely, dear Evenstar. You are always forefront in his mind, even when he is battling for his life."
"I wish he would stop doing that. I have no desire for him to die a horrible bloody death before we are wed."
"Do not fear. Aragorn is a very capable Man. He has shown me time and time again just how capable he is."
"Capable?" Arwen could feel the throb of desire begin to grow. "Capable of what?"
"It amazes me how capable he is of showing such strength and endurance and passion in all that he does."
Arwen's throb of desire began to pound. "'All that he does'?"
"Why yes. He is fully passionate about everything he does from slaying orcs to tending those wounds all over his backside."
"He has wounds on his backside?"
"Oh yes. It is a funny story, actually. One that involves a hornets nest and a very disgruntled porcupine…"
"I see…" Arwen glared at the prince again. "And how do you know about these wounds?"
"That is because I am the one who treated them," Legolas replied innocently. "He always lets me see to his backside when it is sore. I remember one time when we were bathing together and I was rubbing some aloe all over his rear. He wanted me to use this special oil he had brought along on my sword to make it much more efficient."
"Ah! No! Stop!" Arwen screeched as she scrambled out of the tree and back to the ground. "I should have known. You are in league with him too behind my back! How could you do this to me, son of Thranduil? How could you let him do this to me?"
"Let who do what?" Asked Boromir, who just happened to be passing by. "Who are you talking about?"
"We are talking about Arwen's intended," Legolas called down from the tree. "The ranger who brought the hobbits here a few days ago."
"Oh him," The man of Gondor replied with a slight tone of distaste. "Yes, I met him earlier today. He showed me that he was very handy with his sword."
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Arwen yelled as she shoved the larger Man aside. "How could he do this? After all we have meant to each other, he has turned on me and begun having relations with everyone he meets! I can not take this any more!"
She ran off at that moment, babbling on about yearnings and men acting like rabbits, leaving two very confused warriors behind. As she disappeared from view, Boromir looked back up at the blonde elf that was still in the tree.
"Are all she-elves like that?"
Legolas gulped and shot the man a nervous look. "If they are, then I can tell you here and now that I will never get married."
* * *
"This is the last straw! I can not live like this, knowing that my dearest Estel has gone and had all of these affairs behind my back! I will not tolerate this any longer!"
Arwen was once again pacing about in her room. The groove in her floor had deepened until it went up to her mid calf. She had to do something soon. Her hormones were once again racing and if she did not find relief soon, she would surely burst. She vaguely recalled making a vow earlier to bed the first person she saw if Aragorn would not have her. She paused in her pacing when she remembered this vow. She had truly been desperate when she said it. Bedding another would surely betray Aragorn and her father's trust. Yet they have betrayed me as well by having so many affairs. If it is possible, I am even more desperate than I was when I made that vow. Adar has always said that desperate times may sometimes call for desperate measures. I shall do it. I shall betray Aragorn as he has betrayed me and bed the first person I see.
She gracefully hopped out of the groove, having learned earlier how deep it was, and headed straight for the gardens. Her body nearly glowed as the heat within her intensified, excited about the prospect of finally getting some much needed attention. She kept alert, waiting for any sign that someone was around. She heard a deep, gruff voice behind a tree.
"I do not believe anything around here. Elves are sneaky creatures and will not hesitate to turn on us the moment they are displeased. They can not be trusted. The sooner this whole council is over, the sooner I can return to the Lonely Mountain."
This was it. Arwen dashed over to the tree and pounced on the figure that stood beside it. In moments she was rubbing and kissing every spot of bare skin. One hand was tangled in long, coarse, curly hair while the other was busy undoing the buckles on his armor.
"Och! What is this?" Arwen's victim shouted in surprise. "Someone get her off me. Someone get this crazy she-elf off of me!"
"Arwen!"
Arwen suddenly stopped her ministrations when she heard Aragorn's voice. She looked up and glared at her formerly beloved ranger when she saw the look of disbelief and betrayal on his face.
"Arwen, dearest," Aragorn hesitantly moved closer to her. "Why are you molesting Gimli?"
It was then that Arwen got her first good look at the one she had jumped. She pulled away in disgust when she realized that she was indeed molesting the son of Gloin. The dwarf glared at her with murder in his eyes and would have cleaved her in two with his axe had Elrond not suddenly appeared.
"What is the meaning of this?" He demanded when he saw Arwen sitting on top of the much disheveled dwarf. "Arwen, you promised me that you would not bed anyone until you were wed."
"Tell that to him!" Arwen shouted, pointing accusingly at Aragorn. "He is the one having endless affairs behind my back! If he wishes to bed everyone he meets, than it is only fair that I be allowed to do the same!"
"So that is why she has been acting so peculiar," Legolas mumbled as he joined Aragorn.
Aragorn knelt down and gently extricated Arwen from Gimli. "Arwen, my beloved, I have not been having any affairs. You are the only one that I have ever wished to take to my bed."
"But I heard you and those hobbits earlier today," She began to sob. "I heard you and Sam grunting together in the gardens."
"I was helping him pull some rather stubborn vegetables out of the garden."
"And then you told Merry and Pippin to 'do it again' after they came after you from both sides."
"I was teaching them some fighting techniques."
"And what about being gentler with Frodo?"
"I was treating his wounds."
"And then Legolas and Boromir were telling me about how you were having affairs with them too."
"Actually, Lady Arwen," Legolas interrupted. "We have not. I believe you misinterpreted what we said."
"So…" Arwen tentatively looked up at the Man beside her. "You have not betrayed me?"
"Of course not. You are the only one I would ever sleep with," Aragorn sighed as he pulled her into a gentle embrace.
"Oh Aragorn!" Arwen clung to him in relief.
Legolas leaned down and whispered into Aragorn's ear. "What about that bar maid in Turon?"
"I was drunk," Aragorn hissed back.
"And the woman in Southern Mirkwood?"
"I was too drugged up on spider venom antidotes to even know what was going on."
"And what about those three brothel girls in Bree that you paid for with my money?"
"Legolas, you are not helping the situation."
Arwen pulled back and wiped her eyes, having not noticed what passed between Aragorn and Legolas because of her sobbing. "Forgive me, my love. I have completely misjudged you."
"It is all right," Aragorn smiled. "I will forgive you."
"Now that that is settled," Elrond helped his daughter back to her feet. "I suggest that we all freshen up. Dinner will be served in an hour."
* * *
Arwen hummed contentedly to herself as she walked through her father's halls to the dining room. All seemed right in the world again. Aragorn was still faithful to her and all that she had heard had turned out to be a mistake. She had overheard Elladan groaning over Elrohir again, only his door was open this time. She had seen that the younger twin was merely massaging Elladan's sore muscles, so that crushed her thoughts of them involved in incest. She had also met up with Glorfindel, who presented her with his latest baking masterpiece. She could not help but groan in pleasure after tasting a single bite. Glorfindel had told her that Elrond had been his official taste tester over the past few days, which cleared all of her ideas that they were lovers. To make matters even better, Elrond had also mixed up a tea that Arwen could drink whenever she became especially hormonal. Arwen gave a great sigh of relief. Everything was finally back to normal around her home.
As she turned a corner, Arwen stopped short. Standing directly in front of her was her father and Gandalf; and they were kissing passionately. Shrieking, Arwen turned tail and ran for dear life. Sweet Elbereth, not again!
When Arwen was out of site, Elrond reached up and punched Gandalf in the head. The old wizard staggered backwards and looked at the elven lord like a beaten puppy.
"Gandalf, how many times must I tell you that I. Am. Not. Interested." The half-elf yelled.
"But Elly, my sweet elf, I love you!" Gandalf pleaded.
Elrond threw up his hands in exasperation. "No! Now for the last time, stop this! I have no interest in you!"
The Lord of Imladris stormed away toward the dining hall, leaving Gandalf alone in the hallway. The wizard heaved a great sigh and headed in the opposite direction of Elrond.
"He is so stubborn. Oh well. Maybe I should go to Lórien and try to interest Celeborn in a bit of romance. I am sure that he would not be so cold.
The End
For those who were wondering, Adar means Father. The shortened form; Ada, is more casual and is usually translated as Dad or Daddy.
[1] From what I read in The Silmarillion, Aulë actually created the dwarves before Ilúvatar created the elves. Needless to say, Ilúvatar was less than happy and declared: "They shall sleep now in the darkness under stone, and shall not come forth until the Firstborn have awakened upon Earth". So basically, the dwarves were created before the elves, but were put under an enchanted sleep until after our pointy-eared friends were created. (Holy "Sleeping Beauty", Batman!) It's a good thing the elves never found out about that.
[2] Perian is short for periannath, the elvish word for the hobbits. Ulaire is the elvish word for the ringwraiths. From what I've read, Nazgul is the name for the ringwraiths in Black Speech. Since the elves can't stand to hear Black Speech, they wouldn't call them Nazgul. (Thanks to Cassia for this information)
A/N: Ideas are still needed for the following elf stories:
Elrond
Thranduil
Orophin
Rúmil
Gil-Galad
Send me some ideas if you can think of any crazy misadventures for these elves. Either e-mail me or post them in a review. I'm considering writing a story for Haldir as well, even though he was a main character in "An Elf Lord Has Needs". What do all of you think?
NEXT CHAPTER: Elladan and Elrohir-Is it possible for the twins to stay out of trouble for an entire month?