disclaimer: I don't own Austin Powers! He is owned by whoever owns
him....yeah...
Chapter 11
Love Connection
On there way to the Divination room, they found Boromir head first in a trash can. Apparently the group of 'inconspicuous students' got a bit excited while they were running after Anakin and knock poor Boromir into it. So Octavia took the can off his head and they were off toward the room once again.
When they got there, they were all reluctant to climb into the room, fearing what they might find. But Octavia being either brave or just plain stupid, decided she would go first. She climbed up the latter quickly with Snape and Boromir close behind. When they all entered the room they saw Anakin right away, he was already hog-tied and just about to get pistol whipped when Octavia screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gandalf looked up.
"Oh I see you've come to witness this special event, have you?"
"No, we've come to stop it! Now put the pistol-whip down!" Octavia said loudly.
"HAHA why should I?" Replied Gandalf w/ a snort.
"Because...(Octavia thought)because...er...Oh come on! It's just not RIGHT!"
"Sorry Octie, that isn't a good enough answer, now I will proceed in taking this boy to the other side."
"The other side?" Octavia, Boromir and Snape asked together.
Gandalf just laughed menacingly.
"You mean... you're going to kill him?" Asked Boromir, grabbing the handle of his sword "I will not let that happen."
"NO you idiot! The other *side* , y'know MY world."
All three of them looked stumped.
Gandalf shook his head in aggravation "Bloody frickin' hell , are you three dense or something? I'M GOING TO TURN HIM INTO A FLUFFIE!"
They all gasped. "NO YOU WILL NOT ! I AM A MAN LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME AND I WILL KEEP MY FAMILY TRADITION ALIVE BY PROCEEDING TO CUT OFF YOUR HAND!!!" Said Anakin sounding very angry. Gandalf nudge him and whispered "No, you have to cut your future son's hand off, not mine."
"Oooh, ok then...um... Ahh I've got it! I'll slaughter you like an animal! Because that's what you are AN ANIMAL!"
"Much better." Said Gandalf reassuringly. Anakin nodded appreciatively.
"Can we get on with it?" Asked an impatient Snape.
"Oh, right." Said Gandalf. "Where was I....Oh yes... I'M BRINING HIM TO WALNUT LAND SO HE CAN PLAY WITH ALL THE WALNUT CHILDREN!! MUUUUUHAHAHHA.
"Erm....."
"Oops, I mean, I'M GOING TO TURN HIM INTO A FLUFFIE! Like myself , in fact maybe I'll make him...(close up of Gandalf's face) a mini me!" He put his pinky to his mouth, all doctor evil-ish, smiled toothily and raised the pistol-whip.
"NOOOOO!! for the love of everything not fluffie and pink PUT THAT WHIP DOWN!" yelled Snape, realizing what it would be like having another Gandalf running around.
"Sorry, can't do that." Said Gandalf.
"If you do... we'll give you anything you want!" Said Octavia getting desperate. Gandalf raised an eyebrow and immediately looked in Snape and Boromir's direction. Snape and Boromir shot terrified looks at each other.
"NO!" Said Octavia jumping in front of them. "Anything but Snape or Boromir!."
Gandalf looked a little disappointed. He sat thinking. "Well.... I've always wanted to be...."
Next thing you know everyone was on the set of LOVE CONNECTION. Boromir, Snape, and Obi-Wan were dressed in tight black pants but instead of full shirts they just had collars and cuffs. Snape put his face in his hand and shook his head. "Octavia! Why the hell do we have to be dressed like this?"
"ANNNNNNNNNNND WELCOME TO THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE CONNECTION." Said an amazingly annoying voice.
"And why does he have to be the host." Said Boromir pointing to a man in a bright green suit, in the center of the room.
"And how did I get into this? I don't think Gandalf even knew I was in the castle!" Said Obi-wan
"Because Galdalf wanted you to wear it and he absolutely adores Graham Norton (night time talk show host on the BBC) And come on, it's alot better than him doing what he almost did to Anakin, to you."Boromir and Snape both strongly agreed with this and stopped complaining. Octavia didn't answer Obi's question she just looked at him with a gigantic smirk and bit her lip.
"WELCOME! All you lovely, lovely people! I have been privileged enough to be asked to do this special show tonight! And I'm just ecstatic about it!" Said Graham giggling. "Why don't we get on it.. I mean get on *with* it." And he giggled again. "Alright our lucky bachelor, and a cutie if i do say so myself is..... GANDALF THE GREY!!" Gandalf came out wearing daisy dooks and a tight t-shirt. "Oh, don't you look absolutely ravishing!"
"Thanks." He said stopping to kiss Graham on the cheek. Then Gandalf found his seat and sat down.
"Alright on to the contestants!" And the camera moved to 3 screens, each with a shadowed person on them. All three contestants looked like....
"WOMEN!!!" Exclaimed Gandalf standing up. He looked angrily over at Octavia.
"Hey, I didn't pick them! Graham's assistant did!"
Gandalf then looked suspiciously at Graham, who pointed to his assistant, a tall man with bulging muscles dressed like Boromir, Snape, and Obi,who pointed the woman next to him, who pointed to the man beside her, who pointed to...*dun dun dun* "Austin Danger Powers." Said a man in a sly voice. Yes I picked them."
By this time Gandalf was very confused and just decided to sit down. "Whatever! Just get on with it!"
"AL RIGHT! First question! *Graham cleared his throat* Contestant #1 *he started reading off a note card* Which would you prefer to wear on the beach, A. black swimming trunks. *Graham shook his head* B. A rainbow speedo. *Graham nodded happily* C. A pink thong. or D. Nothing at all! Oooh I like D!
Contestant #1 "NOTHING BABY!"
"I like him already!" Said Graham. Gandalf nodded and wrote something down.
Contestant #2 "None of them!" Said a very agitated voice.
"Oh, two nudist!"
Contestant #2 "No that's not what I meant! GRRRRRRR How do I get myself into these things!"
Contestant #3: *Mumble*
"Sorry dear, what was that?"
They heard another mumble and the sound of metal scraping.
"Oh dear, he doesn't seem much like a talker, but he does seem a bit feisty! That's always good!" And he winked. "Ok, on to question #2. Ooooh." Graham squealed "This is a goody! What is your favorite position! Then Graham held his hand to the speaker in his ear. "They're telling me to keep reading. Oh...what's your favorite position in Rugby, DRAT! The other question was just so much more interesting."
Contestant #1 still answering the first question "ON TOP BABY!! WHUUUUUU!"
Graham raised an eyebrow "Oh I really like him!" And Gandalf smiled and wrote something else down.
Contestant #2 "Well I am good at keeper but--
"Oh just shut up! You're no fun!" Said Graham.
Contestant #3: More scraping metal sounds.
"Alright then, here is our 3rd and final question, Who killed Kennedy? What? What kind of question is that?"
Contestant #1 *singing* "I'm to sexy for my shirt! So sex-aaaaaaaaaaaaay it hurts!"
"YES! I bet you are!"
Contestant #2 "Who is Kennedy?"
Contestant #3 : A loud snapping noise.
"Al right, Gandalf you have your 3 wonderful...well you have your *one* wonderful contestant here. Who did you choose?!"
Gandalf smirked and help up a card with the # 1 on it.
"YESSSSSSS! Good choice old boy! Good choice! But before we meet your date, we have to meet the other 2 losers.
Contestant #2 if you would come out please. And out came a very disgruntled looking elf, with his arms folded.
"Oh my! I guess I was wrong!" Said Graham checking the elf out. "And what is your name you fine lad? And Graham winked at him.
"Haldir."
"Ooh how manly, how rugged, how--
And Graham was on the floor, for Haldir had punched him square in the jaw. "Annoying bastard!" Said Haldir as he stormed off.
"MY NOSE MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE IT'S BROKEN!"
"Erm... he punched you in the jaw." Said Octavia.
"Oh..right.. MY JAW MY BEAUTIFUL JAW!"
"Will you SHUT UP And get on with it! The sooner I put some clothes on, the better!" Yelled Snape, who was now hiding behind Boromir.
"Oh al right!" Said Graham getting up. Contestant #3 if you would--
All of a sudden a man with a light sabre jumped out looking around wildly. "Where is he? Where is that bloody bastard that chained me up back there?" He looked up at the seats and then at the exit and started to run.
"Sir!" Graham called after him. "I don't think i got your name."
The man still running turned his head and said "Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon Jin."
"Ok then. ANYWAY HERE IS THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!! Gandalf your date, CONTESTANT #1!!!"
A tall man with long white hair came striding out, wearing a pink mini skirt,belly shirt and long, fake eye-lashes. Gandalf stood up. "SAUROMAN! I didn't know you were--
"Quiet my love, we'll have plenty of time to talk later." As he approached Gandalf and laid a big SMOOCH on him. After kissing they skipped off into the sunset.
With a wave of her wand everyone was back at Hogwarts. "Well I'm glad that's over!" Said Octavia as she, Snape, Boromir and Obi all slumped down onto a big couch."
THE END
Chapter 11
Love Connection
On there way to the Divination room, they found Boromir head first in a trash can. Apparently the group of 'inconspicuous students' got a bit excited while they were running after Anakin and knock poor Boromir into it. So Octavia took the can off his head and they were off toward the room once again.
When they got there, they were all reluctant to climb into the room, fearing what they might find. But Octavia being either brave or just plain stupid, decided she would go first. She climbed up the latter quickly with Snape and Boromir close behind. When they all entered the room they saw Anakin right away, he was already hog-tied and just about to get pistol whipped when Octavia screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gandalf looked up.
"Oh I see you've come to witness this special event, have you?"
"No, we've come to stop it! Now put the pistol-whip down!" Octavia said loudly.
"HAHA why should I?" Replied Gandalf w/ a snort.
"Because...(Octavia thought)because...er...Oh come on! It's just not RIGHT!"
"Sorry Octie, that isn't a good enough answer, now I will proceed in taking this boy to the other side."
"The other side?" Octavia, Boromir and Snape asked together.
Gandalf just laughed menacingly.
"You mean... you're going to kill him?" Asked Boromir, grabbing the handle of his sword "I will not let that happen."
"NO you idiot! The other *side* , y'know MY world."
All three of them looked stumped.
Gandalf shook his head in aggravation "Bloody frickin' hell , are you three dense or something? I'M GOING TO TURN HIM INTO A FLUFFIE!"
They all gasped. "NO YOU WILL NOT ! I AM A MAN LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME AND I WILL KEEP MY FAMILY TRADITION ALIVE BY PROCEEDING TO CUT OFF YOUR HAND!!!" Said Anakin sounding very angry. Gandalf nudge him and whispered "No, you have to cut your future son's hand off, not mine."
"Oooh, ok then...um... Ahh I've got it! I'll slaughter you like an animal! Because that's what you are AN ANIMAL!"
"Much better." Said Gandalf reassuringly. Anakin nodded appreciatively.
"Can we get on with it?" Asked an impatient Snape.
"Oh, right." Said Gandalf. "Where was I....Oh yes... I'M BRINING HIM TO WALNUT LAND SO HE CAN PLAY WITH ALL THE WALNUT CHILDREN!! MUUUUUHAHAHHA.
"Erm....."
"Oops, I mean, I'M GOING TO TURN HIM INTO A FLUFFIE! Like myself , in fact maybe I'll make him...(close up of Gandalf's face) a mini me!" He put his pinky to his mouth, all doctor evil-ish, smiled toothily and raised the pistol-whip.
"NOOOOO!! for the love of everything not fluffie and pink PUT THAT WHIP DOWN!" yelled Snape, realizing what it would be like having another Gandalf running around.
"Sorry, can't do that." Said Gandalf.
"If you do... we'll give you anything you want!" Said Octavia getting desperate. Gandalf raised an eyebrow and immediately looked in Snape and Boromir's direction. Snape and Boromir shot terrified looks at each other.
"NO!" Said Octavia jumping in front of them. "Anything but Snape or Boromir!."
Gandalf looked a little disappointed. He sat thinking. "Well.... I've always wanted to be...."
Next thing you know everyone was on the set of LOVE CONNECTION. Boromir, Snape, and Obi-Wan were dressed in tight black pants but instead of full shirts they just had collars and cuffs. Snape put his face in his hand and shook his head. "Octavia! Why the hell do we have to be dressed like this?"
"ANNNNNNNNNNND WELCOME TO THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE CONNECTION." Said an amazingly annoying voice.
"And why does he have to be the host." Said Boromir pointing to a man in a bright green suit, in the center of the room.
"And how did I get into this? I don't think Gandalf even knew I was in the castle!" Said Obi-wan
"Because Galdalf wanted you to wear it and he absolutely adores Graham Norton (night time talk show host on the BBC) And come on, it's alot better than him doing what he almost did to Anakin, to you."Boromir and Snape both strongly agreed with this and stopped complaining. Octavia didn't answer Obi's question she just looked at him with a gigantic smirk and bit her lip.
"WELCOME! All you lovely, lovely people! I have been privileged enough to be asked to do this special show tonight! And I'm just ecstatic about it!" Said Graham giggling. "Why don't we get on it.. I mean get on *with* it." And he giggled again. "Alright our lucky bachelor, and a cutie if i do say so myself is..... GANDALF THE GREY!!" Gandalf came out wearing daisy dooks and a tight t-shirt. "Oh, don't you look absolutely ravishing!"
"Thanks." He said stopping to kiss Graham on the cheek. Then Gandalf found his seat and sat down.
"Alright on to the contestants!" And the camera moved to 3 screens, each with a shadowed person on them. All three contestants looked like....
"WOMEN!!!" Exclaimed Gandalf standing up. He looked angrily over at Octavia.
"Hey, I didn't pick them! Graham's assistant did!"
Gandalf then looked suspiciously at Graham, who pointed to his assistant, a tall man with bulging muscles dressed like Boromir, Snape, and Obi,who pointed the woman next to him, who pointed to the man beside her, who pointed to...*dun dun dun* "Austin Danger Powers." Said a man in a sly voice. Yes I picked them."
By this time Gandalf was very confused and just decided to sit down. "Whatever! Just get on with it!"
"AL RIGHT! First question! *Graham cleared his throat* Contestant #1 *he started reading off a note card* Which would you prefer to wear on the beach, A. black swimming trunks. *Graham shook his head* B. A rainbow speedo. *Graham nodded happily* C. A pink thong. or D. Nothing at all! Oooh I like D!
Contestant #1 "NOTHING BABY!"
"I like him already!" Said Graham. Gandalf nodded and wrote something down.
Contestant #2 "None of them!" Said a very agitated voice.
"Oh, two nudist!"
Contestant #2 "No that's not what I meant! GRRRRRRR How do I get myself into these things!"
Contestant #3: *Mumble*
"Sorry dear, what was that?"
They heard another mumble and the sound of metal scraping.
"Oh dear, he doesn't seem much like a talker, but he does seem a bit feisty! That's always good!" And he winked. "Ok, on to question #2. Ooooh." Graham squealed "This is a goody! What is your favorite position! Then Graham held his hand to the speaker in his ear. "They're telling me to keep reading. Oh...what's your favorite position in Rugby, DRAT! The other question was just so much more interesting."
Contestant #1 still answering the first question "ON TOP BABY!! WHUUUUUU!"
Graham raised an eyebrow "Oh I really like him!" And Gandalf smiled and wrote something else down.
Contestant #2 "Well I am good at keeper but--
"Oh just shut up! You're no fun!" Said Graham.
Contestant #3: More scraping metal sounds.
"Alright then, here is our 3rd and final question, Who killed Kennedy? What? What kind of question is that?"
Contestant #1 *singing* "I'm to sexy for my shirt! So sex-aaaaaaaaaaaaay it hurts!"
"YES! I bet you are!"
Contestant #2 "Who is Kennedy?"
Contestant #3 : A loud snapping noise.
"Al right, Gandalf you have your 3 wonderful...well you have your *one* wonderful contestant here. Who did you choose?!"
Gandalf smirked and help up a card with the # 1 on it.
"YESSSSSSS! Good choice old boy! Good choice! But before we meet your date, we have to meet the other 2 losers.
Contestant #2 if you would come out please. And out came a very disgruntled looking elf, with his arms folded.
"Oh my! I guess I was wrong!" Said Graham checking the elf out. "And what is your name you fine lad? And Graham winked at him.
"Haldir."
"Ooh how manly, how rugged, how--
And Graham was on the floor, for Haldir had punched him square in the jaw. "Annoying bastard!" Said Haldir as he stormed off.
"MY NOSE MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE IT'S BROKEN!"
"Erm... he punched you in the jaw." Said Octavia.
"Oh..right.. MY JAW MY BEAUTIFUL JAW!"
"Will you SHUT UP And get on with it! The sooner I put some clothes on, the better!" Yelled Snape, who was now hiding behind Boromir.
"Oh al right!" Said Graham getting up. Contestant #3 if you would--
All of a sudden a man with a light sabre jumped out looking around wildly. "Where is he? Where is that bloody bastard that chained me up back there?" He looked up at the seats and then at the exit and started to run.
"Sir!" Graham called after him. "I don't think i got your name."
The man still running turned his head and said "Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon Jin."
"Ok then. ANYWAY HERE IS THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!! Gandalf your date, CONTESTANT #1!!!"
A tall man with long white hair came striding out, wearing a pink mini skirt,belly shirt and long, fake eye-lashes. Gandalf stood up. "SAUROMAN! I didn't know you were--
"Quiet my love, we'll have plenty of time to talk later." As he approached Gandalf and laid a big SMOOCH on him. After kissing they skipped off into the sunset.
With a wave of her wand everyone was back at Hogwarts. "Well I'm glad that's over!" Said Octavia as she, Snape, Boromir and Obi all slumped down onto a big couch."
THE END