STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.
Simon: FF8 Style
Rinoa
Well good day, my name is Simon.
And I like to do drawrings.
I like to draw, all day long.
So come and do drawerings with me.
Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…
FADE IN
INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.
Simon
Hello. My name is Simon; I like to do drawings. Today, for the first time, I have a female friend in the bath with me. Are you looking at my bum? Are you looking at my bum? Cheeky monkeys! Bum lookers!
Female Friend
Sorry, I was.
Simon
… Well, anyway… Her name is Rinny and she's ever so much fun. Do you want to meet her, do you?
There is a long silence.
RINOA
(angry)
BEEEEEP. BEEP. BEEP!!!!!
SIMON
All right, well here she is.
RINOA smiles.
SIMON
Like me, Rinny doesn't have a mommy, so her daddy-
RINOA
My daddy bl-
SIMON
I came to know Rinny through my friend Seify. He says she's been looking for a new boyfriend, ever since she found out Squally was gay. Unfortunately, I am not familiar with either one of those concepts.
RINOA
A 'boy-friend' is a very special friend you can kiss when you aren't related, and go out on 'special' dates with. And if a boyfriend and girlfriend decide they really like each other they can get married and become mommies and daddies. Everyone gets only one boyfriend or girlfriend, except for Irvy and I.
IRVINE
(off-stage)
Woo-hoo! See! I told you Sefie!
SIMON
All right, all right, but why only one?
RINOA
Cause to have more then one is a type of cheating. A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should be special, so you only get one to share all of that type of love with. Hey! Are they looking at my perfect bottom!
SIMON
Are you people, are you looking at Rinny's bum people? Bum lookers!
RINOA
Perfect bottom lookers!
SIMON & RINOA
Cheeky monkeys!
RINOA
All right, and gay is-
RAIJIN
(running in with a television)
We'll show you, ya know?
FUJIN
(running in with a tape)
AFFIRMATIVE.
FUJIN inserts the tape in the VCR.
RAIJIN (on the video)
This is Fu's and my documentary ya know? We are gonna show you why men are gay!
WARD and KIROS come on the screen. SEIFER runs in and ejects the video.
SEIFER
FU! RAI! What did I tell you? It's unappealing to show videos of your daddies-
SEIFER sees the camera and smiles then drags RAIJIN away with FUJIN over his shoulder so she can't kick.
FUJIN
(off-stage)
RAGE!
RINOA
Anyway, gay people are people that are romantically involved with the same gender as them.
SIMON
What a nice little visit that was, with Fujie, Raijie and Seify all at the same time. Well, now I understand what 'gay' means. That's a nasty little tad of information. I see why Squally is so obsessed with Irvy now.
RINOA
(inching over to Simon)
Will you be my boyfriend?
SIMON
Okay.
ANONYMOUS CHOCOBO
Wark! Wark kweh wark kweeeh kweh wark! [Rinny! I thought you loved only me!]
RINOA
I, oh… well…
ANONYMOUS CHOCOBO
WAARRRRK! [Not to be translated] WARK-KWEH! [Daddy!]
CHOCO/MOG comes in and performs fat chocobo on the bathtub. RINOA runs.
SIMON
(hidden behind the rubble of the tub)
Maybe we should wrap it up for today.
RINOA
(to the side of the bathroom)
I've learned my lesson! And I'll be good and honest and not tell people my ex-boyfriends gay so they won't know he dumped me and declared his love for Fujie!
FUJIN
(escaped and holding her video)
… RELATIONSHIP. NOT HAPPENING.
RINOA
WHY? IS MY EX NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?
ZELL
(running in and taking Fujin's hand)
She's with me.
SIMON
Could you please excuse yourself from the bathroom? This is Rinny's segment.
Everybody but RINOA leaves, ZELL and FUJIN are hand in hand.
SIMON
You know Rinny; this might not work out. Maybe you should have a boyfriend that doesn't know about your previous life.
RINOA
(cheerful)
Okay!
SIMON
Uh… well that's all the time we have for now. Bye bye!
RINOA
(princess waving)
Farewell.
FADE OUT
Well good day my name is Simon
And I like to do drawrings