STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.
LEAVE SUGGESTIONS YOU- YOU- PERSON THAT I AM NOT HAPPY WITH NOW BECAUSE I AM GRUMPY.
Simon: FF8 Style
Edea and Cid
Well good day, my name is Simon.
And I like to do drawrings.
I like to draw, all day long.
So come and do drawerings with me.
Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…
FADE IN
INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.
SIMON
Hello. My name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Today, today…
EDEA
Don't stutter!
SIMON
…Anyway, this is Cid Kramer and his wife, Edea Kramer.
EDEA
Why did you say my name last? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
FUJIN runs out and kicks Edea.
EDEA
OWIE! What was that?
SIMON
She does that now.
CID
See honey! Pay up! A ha, a ha, a ha.
EDEA hands CID one thousand gil.
EDEA
DAMMIT! How was I supposed to know she would get a job? That child has always been bad for me. Ever since she developed a taste for blood. And her alliance with squirrels and seagulls is perturbing…
CID
I thought it was chipmunks.
SIMON
Oh, chipmunks and squirrels are ever so confusing…
EDEA
…and then there was that time where she roasted my parrot…
SIMON
A lot of people have problems with them. What is the different between a chipmunk and a squirrel?
EDEA
…and where the hell did she get that weird burning stuff to slip into my pantyhose…
CID
Chipmunks always seem to have a line down their back, and spots. And squirrels are longer, aren't they?
EDEA
…and I never figured out what she was doing to Tony the team tigers leg…
SIMON
Whoever is Tony the team tiger?
CID
(whispering to Simon)
It's a tiger Edea always imagined with Fujie, and Fujie said they were pyromaniacs together, though it might have been another of Fujie's pranks…
EDEA
THE FIRE! IT BURNS!
SIMON
Where is Fujie? She's meant to be kicking Edea right now.
TONY
(backstage)
Yerrrrrrr… GREAT! Eh-eh-eh-eh…
FUJIN
ENGORGED.
SQUALL whimpers in the audience.
CID
…
EDEA
It's that voice again. Not the voice goddammit!
EDEA begins to run around banging against the studio walls in rage.
LAGUNA
(popping up)
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
SQUALL
(in the audience)
BOOOOO!
LAGUNA
Oh fine.
LAGUNA gets out of the bath and runs off the stage, getting quite a few ooos and OOOs and of course OoOs. Pretty good for an old guy. EDEA begins looking back and forth, from where LAGUNA left to CID.
EDEA
Oh my god…
SQUALL
Oh my god…
FUJIN runs out and kicks EDEA.
SIMON
There you are Fujie.
EDEA
BITCH! First you make me loose a bet and then you cheat on Seife. WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?!
SEIFER runs out on stage and jumps in the bath.
SEIFER
Cheating? I was there. I just have more control than Fujie and her friend. Come in Fuu…
FUJIN slips into the bathtub.
CID
So… Simon, how are things with you and your new daddy?
SIMON
Oh, we've been having ever so much fun. In fact, I have a picture of us at the mall. Here is my new daddy buying a dress. I don't know why. My old daddy said it would be of good use in the bedroom. I'm not sure what he meant.
SEIFER
Fu, don't you dare start on another one of those stories about your dads… and no movies either!
FUJIN
CONFOUNDIT.
SIMON
How are things doing with the baby?
SEIFER
Fu is being a little rough on it. Tony keeps coming over and-
EDEA
THE FIRE! IT BURNS!
FUJIN kicks EDEA.
FUJIN
The doctor said it was fine… and then he joined us.
SEIFER
That was fun. Who knew such a serious guy could really let go and-
EDEA
OH! I MISS BEING YOUNG!
SIMON
So when are you two getting married?
FUJIN
…
SEIFER
… We have to go, don't we?
SIMON
No we-
FUJIN
GOODBYE!
FUJIN kicks SIMON.
CID
Goodbye.
SEIFER
Goodbye.
EDEA
THE FIRE! IT BURNS!
Well good day my name is Simon.
And I like to do drawrings