STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.
Please leave suggestions! And um, I dun have anything against gay people. I know a lot of them and they're just like us! Except for that guy that dropped his pants…
Simon: FF8 Style
Zell
Well good day, my name is Simon.
And I like to do drawrings.
I like to draw, all day long.
So come and do drawerings with me.
Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…
FADE IN
INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.
ZELL and SIMON'S DAD are whispering low down so they can't be seen.
SIMON'S DAD
What you mean show?
ZELL
Shh, the camera's on… The kid's coming! Go on!
SIMON'S DAD
I can't just disappear.
ZELL
Well you could get off of me!
SIMON'S DAD
Time sure flies when you're having fun.
SIMON pops up, and ZELL shoves his dad under.
ZELL
What the f-… I mean… Where did you come from?
SIMON
Underground passage.
ZELL
Uh, did you see anything?
SIMON
What…?
ZELL
Good enough.
ZELL looks at the bubbles coming up from under him.
ZELL
So, heh heh… wassup?
SIMON
Daddy, are you pooting?
ZELL
Uh, let's start the show…
SIMON
All right… Good day. My name is Simon; I like to do drawings. Today, my new daddy is in the bath with me.
ZELL
WASSUUUUUP?!!!?
SIMON
Nuttin much.
ZELL
This kid sure learns fast!
ZELL and SIMON share one of those perfect TV moments were a father and son look at each other and smile warmly.
SIMON
I love you, dad.
ZELL
I love you to son.
SQUALL
(shouting from the audience)
I love my dad too!
LAGUNA
(pops up from the water)
I love you too son!
FUJIN runs out and wreaks havoc, knocking things over, screaming, and kicking people, until things aren't so lovely.
ZELL
Thanks Fujie. That was scary.
SIMON
Fujie, did you ever realize that my father became gay after being with you?
FUJIN runs backstage bawling.
ZELL
Guess not.
SIMON
Anyhoo…
ZELL
Very nice. Casual.
SIMON
Thank you daddy. Anyhoo… I drew a picture of us going shopping. This is my second daddy. He wanted the yellow dress, but my first daddy wanted him to get the pink dress. My first daddy likes pink.
ZELL
Yellow is nice. Happy colour!
Laguna
Ya, the one with the firm bum wears yellow…
SIMON
Cheeky monkey!
ZELL
Bum feeler!
LAGUNA goes back under.
ZELL
Does it bother you that your friend's naked father is in your bathtub?
SIMON
Quite frankly, no, it doesn't.
ZELL
…Wow… you really are a special boy. Anyhoo… any other drawings?
SIMON
Well, I did draw something just recently, but I'm not such if I should show it. You see, I saw Seifer and Fujin when I got up for a drink last night, and...
Fujin
(running out and leaping on Simon)
You [censor]!
The audience gasps, as FUJIN rips the paper from SIMON.
FUJIN
DOG?
SIMON
Well, you were growling into his neck, and it reminded me of a doggy…
Fujin
(Oh, so that was just before…) SAW ANYTHING ELSE?
SIMON
No… not really…
FUJIN
NOT REALLY?!!?
FUJIN begins to strangle SIMON.
ZELL
A ha! Ha! I mean… don't do that to my son!
SIMON
(gagging)
My f-father… became… *gack* gay after b-b-being with yooooo…
FUJIN begins to loosen her grip, and back off… as SIMON keeps saying it. Finally, she runs off crying.
FUJIN
Seifer, where are you?
MUFFLED VOICE
Tony! Yes, yes, yes!
Fujin
(leaving the stage)
?
SIMON & ZELL
?
FUJIN
Seifer, he's my… Oh well, may I join you?
SEIFER
Hop in, honey.
ZELL
Did she just talk normally?
SEIFER
Uh, no!
ZELL
Oh, okay.
LOUD HOWARD
MY NAME IS LOUD HOWARD!
SIMON
Well now, there's no need to yell from the audience.
LOUD HOWARD
I'M NOT YELLING!
ZELL
Why is the author watching Dilbert?
SIMON
What?
ZELL
Oh nothing. Ya see…
All of a sudden SIMON'S FATHER escapes from under Zell and breaks through the back of the tub.
SIMON
(looking back)
Daddy?
ZELL
Oi vay! Turn off the camera!
CAMERAMEN
But… the song.
ZELL
Grrr…
Well good day, I'm Simon's father.
And, uh… GAH!
FUJIN is kicking ZELL into a state of fear to use his singing voice ever again as the camera fades out.