"Well standing about dithering outside his quarters isn't going to get you any answers," he berated himself quietly.
Sucking in a deep breath he pressed the door chime. A few seconds of silence followed, just enough to make Malcolm wonder if Trip was even home, when a muffled 'Thump' followed by a "Come in" reached his ears.
Malcolm pressed the door release and stepped through into a sea of chaos. Trip's quarters were a mess. Personal items and clothes were strewn about the room. Trip was standing by his desk, a datapadd in his hand and an apologetic look on his face.
"Sorry about the mess. I was looking for something."
"Well I hope you found it," Malcolm replied, surveying the damage once more.
A deep sigh brought Malcolm's attention back to Trip.
"Yeah, I did." Trip waved the datapadd in his hand to indicate this was the something in question.
"Oh. Good." Stunning conversationalist you've become Malcolm, the little voice in his head added sarcastically.
"Wanna sit down?" Trip asked, pushing a pile of clothes off his chair.
"Sure."
Malcolm carefully made his way over to the chair, trying not to step on any of Trip's possessions. As he sat down, Trip pushed the datapadd into his hands. Malcolm looked up at Trip inquisitively.
"Read it," Trip encouraged before making his way to his bed to start clearing away more of the mess.
Malcolm looked down at the datapadd and activated it. The page filled with words.
Dear Jon,
If your reading this letter, it means I'm gone. You know
I really hate writing these things, but there's a few things
I need to say that I might not have had the chance to
while I was alive.
Malcolm stopped reading the moment he realised what the letter was. He glanced over in Trip's direction, but he was still cleaning the bed. Malcolm studied the other man closer for a few minutes. Trip clearly wasn't paying full attention to what he was doing. Picking up items one by one, studying them, and then dropping them unceremoniously onto the floor. His posture was stiff, as if tensed ready for a blow.
"Um. I'm not sure I should be reading this, " Malcolm eventually volunteered.
"I didn't spend the last two hours looking for it, just so you could not read it," Trip replied angrily, finally seeming to tire of his half-hearted cleaning attempts and just sweeping the rest of the stuff onto the floor. Sitting down hard on the now clean bed, he ran his fingers through his hair and looked down towards his lap.
"But the letters not for me...and your not...," Malcolm trailed off uselessly.
"I know that," Trip snapped, "I just thought if you read it you might understand..," Trip gave a defeated sigh, "Never mind. I guess I was wrong. Again."
"Are you trying to say that this," Malcolm indicated the padd, "had something to do with our argument earlier?" Malcolm was now thoroughly confused.
Instead of answering the question however, Trip chuckled slightly and said,
"Bet you didn't think I could write one of those after what happened on the shuttlepod?"
To Malcolm's ears, Trips laughter sounded kind of morbid, but he refrained from commenting on Trip's evasion of the original question and decided to see where this conversation would lead. Thinking back to the event he was pretty sure Trip was referring to and which his own mind rather quaintly identified as "The Shuttlepod Incident", Malcolm had to concede that Trip was correct in his assessment. Trip had been in rampant denial through most of the Incident, when they assumed Enterprise had been destroyed, and had berated Malcolm for recording his own letters, claiming Malcolm was a pessimist. If it hadn't been so deadly serious he would have found it funny that once they had discovered Enterprise wasn't destroyed after all, their positions had reversed.
"No I suppose I didn't," he replied.
"A few years back the Cap'n saved my life. I wrote it after that. Been keeping it around ever since just in case. I figured he would have found it if we hadn't made it back. Course I didn't know it had gotten quite so lost." he grinned ruefully.
Malcolm just nodded thoughtfully. He really didn't know what to say to help the conversation along. Luckily he didn't have to wait too long for Trip to get to the point.
"He knows, you know?"
"Knows what?" Malcolm asked.
"About what happened in the shuttlepod. He knows everything." The emphasis on the word 'everything' worried Malcolm. While they'd been recovering in Sickbay after the incident, they had agreed to leave out of their official report the part about Trip attempting to climb into the airlock and the subsequent argument. Malcolm wasn't sure why, but Trip had been insistent that they leave that part out. He'd agreed himself rather quickly on the grounds that he wasn't sure how the Captain would respond to the news that he had pulled a phaser on a senior officer, no matter what the circumstances.
"How?"
"That creature...The one who tried to make us part of it." Trip clarified, though there was no need, Malcolm knew what he meant. "It linked us up somehow. We could hear each others thoughts. I panicked. I didn't mean to start thinking about it, but I couldn't stop." Trip was getting more and more agitated as he related the events. "You gotta believe me Malcolm, I didn't mean it."
"I believe you, Trip." Malcolm tried to make his words sound reassuring, but he wasn't sure how successful he was. Trip still looked upset. Damn it, I'm not very good at this sort of thing, he thought to himself. "Don't worry about it," he tried adding.
Instead of calming Trip however, this caused an angry explosion from the Engineer. He got up from the bed and started pacing around the room,
"Don't worry! How am I supposed to not worry. Don't you get it, the Cap'n knows everything. How am I supposed to face him now."
"Has he said anything? Perhaps it's not as bad as your imagining." Malcolm couldn't recall the Captain acting any differently around himself, but Trip had known Captain Archer a lot longer and could probably read his moods and emotions better.
Trip shook his head.
"I've kinda been avoiding him since Dr Phlox released us from Sickbay"
At least his anger seems to have dissipated, Malcolm's thoughts whirled through his head, but now he sounds...depressed is the most apt description. His thoughts were interrupted by Trip's next words,
"Anyway, I guess I was worried about that, and mad at myself, so I blew my gripe about your force field out of proportion so I could take my frustrations out on you. Sorry." He sounded sincerely contrite about his apology, so Malcolm forgave him immediately.
"That's okay, I understand. You were partly right anyway, I should have come to you to ask for help when I got stuck. It's just that you work so hard down in Engineering everyday, I thought the last thing you'd want to do in your off-duty hours would be to do more work. Besides," it was time for a little confession of his own, "I've never been really good at asking for things."
Trip just nodded, "Friends again?" he asked sticking out his hand. Malcolm stood up, took the proffered hand and agreed,
"Friends again." Both men broke out in a grin as they shook hands.
"Well I suppose I should give this back now," Malcolm stated, attempting to hand the padd back, but Trip begged off,
"Nah. You keep it." Malcolm was puzzled, but Trip soon clarified, "We don't know what's going to happen out here. But if something happens to me, I trust you to do everything possible to make sure that the Cap'n makes it. And that he gets that letter."
"I will." Malcolm made the promise solemnly. It was one he intended to keep, but with a little silent amendment, to add that he would do everything in his power to keep Trip safe too.
"I know you will," Trip said.
Malcolm headed towards the door to leave, but just before he reached it, he turned and said,
"You know...", only to be interrupted by Trip,
"I know, I know, I need to talk to the Cap'n."
Malcolm nodded once then pressed the button and stepped out of Trip's quarters.
*******************************
Trip breathed a sigh of relief as the door closed behind Malcolm. At least he hadn't ruined that friendship. Pity you can't say the same thing about your friendship with the Cap'n.
Shut up, he angrily told the voice in his head.
Malcolm was right, he needed to talk to the Captain. Unfortunately it was easier said than done. He kept picturing the look of total disappointment on Jon's face that surely must accompany any talk on the matter. If only he wasn't such a damn coward. Better a coward than a... Trip squelched on that thought before it even began. He was not going there now. He was going to suck it up and call the Captain. He took a determined step towards the comm.. panel. Pressing the open channel button and calling out,
"Tucker to Archer," before he had a chance to talk himself out of it.
"Archer here. Go ahead Trip." Archer's voice sounded back through the comm. system, just as Trip changed his mind about the call. Damn.
"Trip?" Archer's voice sounded slightly worried now, and Trip realised he hadn't answered back.
"Sorry Cap'n, I'm here. You busy?" Trip hoped that Archer would be too busy to talk.
"I'm hip deep in Astrometrics reports, but I could use a break. What's up?"
"Uh." Trip tried to think of something else to talk about besides what he had originally called for. Unfortunately nothing was coming to mind. He settled for half the truth. "Just wanted to let you know that me and Malcolm sorted everything out."
"Glad to hear it. Just try and solve your differences in private before starting a yelling match in public next time."
"I'll try."
"You know, I'm suprised you let it get that far in the first place. That's not like you Trip." And there it was. Trip could hear the disappointment in Archer's voice loud and clear. Trip felt the urgent need to get off the line now, before Archer could bring up other things he was disappointed in him for.
"It won't happen again, I promise. Well, I'd better let you get back to work. Just wanted to let you know everything was sorted. Tucker out." Tucker closed the comm. system before Archer even had a chance to reply. Then for good measure he slammed his fist into the wall beside the panel, to try and release some tension. Idiot, he berated himself. He looked at his now throbbing hand. At least the pain would keep his thoughts off other things.