Dropping down into the Shuttlepod, Archer breathed a sigh of relief as he noticed Trip sitting on the forward chair, which was turned right around in Archers direction. The blond engineer was staring at his boots but he briefly looked up as he heard Archer's boots connect with the deck. Their eyes met briefly before Trip returned to contemplating his boots. Archer stood stiffly in place at the back of the pod. Now that he was here, he wasn't quite sure what to say.
"I don't suppose you'd believe I forgot about dinner." Trip's voice broke the silence that was, in Archer's opinion, building up to uncomfortable levels.
"No, I don't think I would." He tried to keep his own voice light, to assure Trip that he wasn't here to condemn. Trip was normally such an open person, willing to share his emotions and thoughts with anyone, good or bad. Only occasionally did Trip close himself off from showing his feelings. Archer had only ever seen it once before, himself, but he knew from that experience that trying to force his friend to talk in that situation was the worst way to handle it. Moving to one of the other chairs, Archer lowered himself into it.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Just tell me what's wrong." When Trip's head shot up to stare at him, Archer wondered for a brief second if he'd misjudged and brought up the point too early. Trip's next words however just served to confuse.
"You know what's wrong."
Archer tried to rack his brain for a reason, but none was forthcoming.
"I do?" He questioned.
"It was right there in my mind. Don't pretend you don't know." Trip's voice rose along with his words, but his eyes dropped back down to the floor.
"I'm not a mind reader Trip," Archer paused as the events of the past week caught up with him, "but we shared thoughts for a while there didn't we?" At Trip's nod of affirmation, Archer considered further and put forth his newly forming theory. "That's why you were panicking? You were thinking about this problem?" Another nod. If he wanted Trip to trust him enough to tell him what was wrong, Archer realised he'd have to be completely honest himself.
"Truthfully, I wasn't really paying attention to what you were thinking. I was concentrating more on projecting my thoughts on the regional finals to calm you down."
"Oh." Trip seemed surprised, then his eyes darted to the open hatchway.
"Trip," Archer put a warning tone in voice, before the engineer could try and back his way out of the situation. Trip gave a rueful grin,
"Can't put the genie back in the bottle, huh?"
"Not this time."
Trip ran a hand through his hair. "Damn."
A few minutes passed in silence. Occasionally Trip looked like he was about to say something but stopped himself short.
"It might help if you gave me a hint about what's going on in that head of yours, since we've established that I don't know."
The younger man's gaze drifted upwards. Archer followed it to the airlock.
"We're sitting in it."
"The Shuttlepod?" Then some pieces of the puzzle seemed to click into place in Archer's mind. "You and Malcolm's experiences?"
"Yeah."
"What you went through was pretty traumatic. It's understandable if your having problems with that. I don't understand why you think you can't talk to me about it though."
Trip looked away, seemingly not able to meet Archer's questioning gaze. He mumbled something that Archer couldn't quite make out.
"What?"
"I said I didn't want you to be disappointed in me."
"Disappointed in you. Why would I be disappointed. You did what you needed to do to survive."
"No." Trip's voice was tinged with agitation, "You don't know everything that happened out there."
"Are you saying you and Malcolm left something out of the report?"
Trip nodded.
"Doesn't seem like something Malcolm would do." Come to think of it, it wasn't something that Trip would do either, in Archer's estimation.
"I convinced him not to. I dunno. Maybe he thought he really would get busted down to a crewman."
Busted down to a Crewman. This didn't seem to be making a lot of sense.
"Why would Malcolm think he'd get busted down to a crewman?"
"'Cause he threatened to shoot me." Trip's face held a guilty expression.
"Shoot you!"
"It was set on stun," Trip defended.
"That's supposed to make a difference."
"He was just trying to stop me."
"Stop you from what?"
Silence greeted that question. Trip's gaze once again returned to the airlock. An uneasy feeling began to grow in Archer. He hoped this wasn't leading where he was beginning to think it was.
"Trip"
Trip's voice was barely above a whisper when he replied,
"From throwing myself out the airlock."
"Throwing yourself out the airlock?" Archer gave a mental sigh. Damn. It was what he suspected. Trip was trying to explain,
"We only had ten hours of oxygen left and we didn't know if you'd picked up on our engines blowing up. I figured if two of us had ten hours, then one of us would have twenty. More chance to survive."
"That's..." Archer really didn't know what to say to that.
"Malcolm said I was only doing it 'cause I was a coward. Maybe he's right."
That statement Archer did know how to reply to. He been friends with Trip long enough to know there was a tough as nails side to the engineer. One that nobody would accuse of being a coward.
"Your not a coward Trip. I've known you to long to doubt that."
Trip just shook his head.
"No he had a point. I didn't want to sit there and wait to die."
"You were under extreme pressure out there Trip. You may have let your feelings overwhelm you for a moment but that's different from being a coward."
"Is it? Still, bein' a coward's better than..." Trip eyes went wide as if he suddenly realised he didn't want to go down that path.
"Better than what?"
Before the words were even out of Archer's mouth, Trip practically jumped out of his seat and started for the hatchway,
"I've gotta get out of here."
Luckily, Archer was an old hat at reading Trip's expressions, and he bounded out of his own seat to catch the younger man by the arm.
"Oh no you don't. Better than what Trip?"
Archer could feel Trip's muscles tense and rigid under his hand. He tried to pull away but Archer wasn't having any of it.
"Better than what Trip?"
"Better than bein' weak all right. Is that what you want to hear." Trip exploded, finally managing to rip his arm out of Archer's grasp. Archer was too stunned to put up much of a fight. Weak. That was even more ludicrous than the thought of Trip being a coward. What on earth made him think...
"You think you should have gone into the airlock don't you?"
Trip's only response was to turn away and start heading for the hatchway again.
"Malcolm's still alive Trip." That stopped Trip in his tracks.
"I know that."
"Do you. Look at me Trip." He reached out for Trip again and made the engineer turn to face him. Looking him straight in the eyes, Archer repeated his statement, "Malcolm's still alive. He made it. You both made it. There's nothing to be ashamed of here."
Trip's blue eyes displayed uncertainty, pain and a few other emotions Archer couldn't immediately identify, but his voice was awash with guilt,
"Doctor Phlox said we only had a couple of hours of air left."
"Exactly. You both had enough air to last the time. Both of you. Together." Archer tried to sound reassuring, but Trip didn't seem to be buying it.
"But we still could have died of hypothermia. Maybe Malcolm could have turned the heat up a little if I'd..." Trip trailed off and a small sob escaped his lips. Archer quickly encircled his arms around his friend. He rubbed his friends back as more tears began to flow, and tried guiding them back towards the chairs. Making his voice as soothing as possible Archer tried to answer Trip's concerns,
"He wouldn't have done that. He couldn't have known when we were coming any more than you did, to know to do that."
"I know," Trip sniffed, pulling away briefly as they sat back down. Archer's own face must have looked as disbelieving as he felt because Trip continued, "I do. It's just a part of me can't help thinking I handled things wrong, and not just with the airlock. I couldn't even let Malcolm write his letters home in peace. Some friend I am. Some Commander."
Some Commander. And there it finally was, the crux of Trip's problems. Trip was doubting his ability to lead.
"I don't hear Malcolm complaining about your friendship. You know when we pulled the shuttlepod in and opened it up, I'll admit I was scared. You were both so still and frozen I thought you were already dead. While you were recovering in Sickbay I beat myself up pretty bad about not getting to you sooner. I went through all the scenarios of how I could have handled things better. That sort of thing doesn't change just because you get a Captain's pip, and it certainly doesn't mean your not cut out for Command. It just means your human and you want things to work out for the best. But in the end you've got to focus on the positives Trip, not get bogged down by perceived negatives."
"What positives? Unless you count getting drunk as a positive."
Archer smiled. This question was easy,
"You got the communications receiver fixed. I saw what that micro-singularity did to the systems and the fact that you even got that much to work is amazing. Even T'Pol said it was practically a miracle."
"T'Pol said that?" Trip sounded disbelieving, and with good reason.
"I'm paraphrasing." Archer admitted and they both smiled a little, "The point is without it you wouldn't have known we were out there, or to blow up your engines to get noticed. And who's idea was it to turn down the temperature in the first place?"
"Mine," Trip admitted.
"You both did the best you could out there and you got through it. That's the important thing to remember."
"I guess."
"No guessing about it. That's an order."
"Aye Sir." Trip responded, but the moment was ruined by another sniff.
Archer patted his friends shoulder, noting a lot of the tension he'd felt earlier had gone out of it. It seemed the chief engineer wasn't quite finished though,
"What happens now?"
"Well I don't know about you, but I'm starving." Archer felt it appropriate to try a little joke to break the tension. Trip smiled a little, so Archer considered it another small victory.
"That's what you get for having friends that fall to pieces." And a joke. Things were definitely getting back on track. He tried to put as much sincerity into his reply as he could muster,
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Me either."
"Good. Now that we've got that cleared up, can we go and get something to eat?"
Trip nodded and they both started for the hatchway. Just as they got to the landing bay gantry, Trip called out,
"Jon." Archer was a little surprised at hearing his own name, Trip hadn't called him anything but Capt'n for a long time. It had become a treasured nickname between the two even if it was his rank as well.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. I mean it."
"I know you do Trip, but in future, come and talk to me first. No matter what, I'm not going to stop thinking of you as my best friend."
"I will. I promise."
Archer nodded. Unfortunately this wasn't really the end of it. Trip's earlier question of "What happens now," still needed to be addressed. He wished Starfleet had thought to put a psychiatrist on board. This was the first deep space mission and while they hoped to find new and friendly species, that wasn't always the case and there were some experiences out here that it was hard to prepare for. He decided to call Admiral Forrest in the morning. Perhaps he could arrange a time for some face-to-face counselling for Trip, and Malcolm as well. It would probably turn into a regular thing, doubtless other crew members had their problems as well. Rostov, Kelly, himself even. Still he pushed further thoughts of this aside. It can wait until the morning. Right now all he wanted to do was have dinner with his friend.
THE END
Authors Note: Thanks again for the reviews. Hope you liked the ending.