Okay, just so as ya'll know, I'm completely skewering ages here. This story starts in 1986, which places the Dream Team's 5th year in 2002. Chapter titles are from Green Day's "Walking Contradiction".

Disclaimer: I own the plot, and (as the raven says) nothing more. Or is that never more? Ah, screw it.

AGES

Remus, Lily - 17

James, Sirius, Narcissa - 16

Severus - 15

Peter - 14

Bill Weasley- 11

Something I Call Personality

Chapter 1: Do As I Say Not As I Do Because

"I'm better than you'll ever be!"

"Yeah, right! I'm better than you are!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Oh for- MOONY! Which one of us is better?" Sirius Black, known by friends and enemies as Padfoot, finally yelled.

Remus Lupin, aka Moony, glanced up from his book ("Elves, Demons, and the Makai"- very nice book) to smirk at his friends, who, he was pretty sure, were drunk. "Whichever of you is humblest is the best."

Sirius and James (for that *was* who he was arguing with) blinked at Remus for a few minutes. Then, Sirius, the lesser drunk of the two, got with the program.

"Well, then James, you are far better than I am."

Lily Evans (known to Slytherins, Ravenclaws, and most Hufflepuffs as Airhead-Evans), who had just sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast, looked at the Marauders-minus-one with confusion. "No, he isn't."

Remus burst into laughter as Lily realized what she had said. "Oops. Forget I said that…"

Too late. James glared at her. "LILY!" She gulped and ran, James hot on his girlfriend's tail, yelling at her.

Remus was still snorting into his porridge when he heard Sirius make a noise of disgust. "Oh, great, the slime-ball's coming over here."

"Now, now, I know you don't like him, but that's no way to talk about your cousin."

Sirius snorted. "He's a Slytherin. He's no cousin of mine."

Sev Snape, a 5th year who was quite popular among Slyths and Ravens, grinned at that comment as he slid himself onto the bench. "It's nice to know you love me, cous."

Sirius flicked a piece of biscuit at him. "Oh, bugger off."

"Language, language."

"I'll "language" you!" Sirius growled.

Sev rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Anyway, Lupin, I'm supposed to report to you for detention."

"Oh, right. Well, let's go get the other two." Remus said as he got off the bench and pulled out a short list. "Let's see… Saturday detention. Severus Snape, William Weasley, and- Narcissa Evans?! Aw, crap."

The tall, greasy snake smirked. "Well, that's interesting, ain't it? The Head Boy supervising the Head Girl's detention."