Disclaimer: see part 1.
Survivors
Part 2
Survivor's guilt
By Random1377
Hikari Horaki woke up screaming. It was the same dream… it was ALWAYS the same dream since she had returned home. The man, powerfully built, crushing Shinji's throat slowly with a smile on his face… Shinji, trying to fight him off but hopelessly overpowered – his struggles weakening… the gun, heavy and cold in her hands, kicking hard as it discharged once… twice… three times, sending the man sprawling off of Shinji with a gaping hole in the side of his head.
She sobbed softly.
She grabbed the phone… hesitated… then swiftly dialed a number by memory. –Please…- she thought with irrational fear, -please be ok…-
"Hello?" Shinji Ikari's voice came through the phone line, sounding tired.
A wave of relief flooded through her -Oh thank God…- she thought as she hung up the phone quickly.
Always the same dream… always the same call. It was the only way she could get back to sleep…
She felt guilty for calling so late and waking him up, but the sound of his voice soothed her. "I'm sorry…" she whispered, pulling her legs up and resting her chin on her knees, "I'll find a way to get past this… I will…"
But her voice lacked conviction.
After a few more minute's thought, she lay back down and drifted off again.
**
Across town, Shinji stared at receiver dully, "Thanks for calling…" he whispered.
Not that he had been asleep anyway… he had not had a decent night's sleep since they returned.
The receiver began to beep angrily, announcing that it was off the hook. He let it fall back onto the cradle and continued to stare at it for another few minutes, remembering the first day in the hospital…
He opened his eyes slowly, feeling like someone had hit him with a baseball bat… hard… and repeatedly.
He groaned at the clean, white ceiling, "Guess we made it out, huh?" He whispered, then his eyes widened and he tried to sit up… the pain convinced him that this was not such a good idea.
"Lie still, you dipstick." A soft, feminine voice said to his right.
With some difficulty, he turned his head and found Asuka Langley Souryu lounging in a chair at the side of his bed, her back resting against one of the arms and her knees drawn up to offer her a place to set the magazine she had been reading. "Hikari?" He whispered, "Is she… ok?"
Asuka closed the magazine and sat up straight, leaning forward to regard him, "She got out the day after we got home," she said with a small frown, "you… you've been here for four days… in and out of surgery."
"Four?" He said disbelievingly, "Was I hurt that bad? Really?"
She looked away, once again becoming the Second Child, "You almost died, you idiot… did you think you would just walk away with a Band-Aid?"
"No…" he admitted, looking at her profile, "I guess not… but I didn't know that I COULD sleep that long… I'm just a little surprised…"
Her voice softened, "Well… you had m-" she cut herself off, "us worried. They weren't sure you would make it at first… you lost a lot of blood." She looked back at him, "We put you in Unit 01 halfway through the flight, hoping the LCL would act as substitute blood…" She smiled faintly, "that was Hikari's idea. She said it smelled like blood, so maybe it might ACT like blood too... and she was right."
Shinji frowned deeply, "So EVA saved my life?" He said, a trace of anger in his voice, "How appropriate…"
Asuka leaned further forward, putting her hand on the cast encasing his wrist, "No," she said firmly, "HIKARI saved your life… no one else thought of it." Her smile broadened, "So what's going on with you two, anyway?" She said, her voice lightly teasing… but also serious, "She wanted to get in with you… she thought it would be best in case you woke up, 'So he's not all alone…' she said."
Shinji looked down at her hand, "There's nothing between us…" he said, feeling a slight stab of pain at the words, "she… she loves Touji. She's just a very nice person… and she was probably just concerned about me."
Asuka frowned slightly, remembering Hikari's pained expression when the doctor had told her that she could not get into the plug with Shinji because the risks outweighed the benefits. Rather than argue with him, she just said, "Shinji… I'm glad that you're ok… and I'm sorry that I've been so mean to you."
Their eyes met, "Thank you, Asuka…" he said softly, putting his hand on hers, "that means a lot to me…"
They sat in silence for several more minutes, just looking at one another. Finally Asuka pulled her eyes away and reiterated that she was glad to see him feeling better, then surprised them both by leaning forward and kissing his forehead. "Get out of here soon, ok?" She said, standing quickly with a deep blush and making her way for the door.
He smiled and told her he would…
Shinji shook himself, sighing and walking back into his room. He didn't think sleep would come easily to him that night… too many dreams… too many memories…
"I have to get SOME sleep…" he told himself, "tomorrow's the dinner… I have to be rested for that…"
But telling yourself you need sleep and actually being ABLE to sleep are two completely different things… and as usual, he suffered through another agonized night – then ran all the way to school in the morning… certain that something had happened to Hikari in the middle of the night.
And as usual, he managed to contain his tears of relief as he found her to be alright…
**
Martin sat calmly on the hard cot in his cell and thought about how things had gone wrong.
-The plan was good,- he thought, resting his chin on his palm as he stared straight ahead, -and the intel was, too… just ran into that one little snag…-
He smiled as he thought of the snag in question, a certain Shinji Ikari.
He chuckled to himself, "That kid's got style…" he whispered to himself, admiringly.
"If you're thinking of Shinji or Asuka, you're right," a deep voice said from the shadows outside of his cell, "both of them have more style in their little fingers than you'll ever have."
Martin's eyes widened slightly at the voice, a very faint smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, "It's been a while…" he said, turning his head to search out the source, "hasn't it now?"
Kaji Ryouji stepped into the cell's meager light, "Indeed it has…" he folded his arms, standing just outside of reach should the man in the cell decide to try and grab for him through the bars, "I hear you're calling yourself Martin now… what ever happened to Maxwell?"
Martin shrugged, "Didn't suit me so well… neither did Maurice – and thanks for that one, by the way… some of my men STILL call me the space cowboy."
Kaji smiled slightly, but it never touched his eyes, "I'd call you by your real name… but I don't know if the one you gave me back in college is real or not."
Martin met the other man's eyes, "I've never lied to you…" he said softly, "especially back then."
"Except when you promised you would be there with the extraction team in twenty-eleven…" Kaji said bitterly, "weren't too honest then, were you?"
Martin shook his head, "That wasn't my fault," he said sadly, "we were on the way to the plane when we got ambushed. Only Gustav and me made it… and your young friend mister Ikari took care of Gustav. You and I are the last two left."
Kaji thought about this for a moment, "Then maybe I should make it just me, eh? I don't think I buy your story… and I saw too many friends die that day to just let it go."
Martin sighed, "Do as you please… I'm certainly in no position to stop you."
"One thing I never got," Kaji said, changing the subject swiftly, "why did you leave in junior year? Not that I'm complaining, mind you… your leaving left me more free time to meet my future wife."
"You're married?" Martin said in surprise, dodging the question.
"I said future. I still haven't asked her yet – too much going on right now – though I think she'll say yes when I do…" he frowned, "don't try and evade me… you were supposed to be my best friend, and you disappeared without so much as a goodbye, leaving me to wonder what happened to you until we met years later under Tanaka's command."
"Ahhh, Tanaka…" Martin smiled, "THOSE were the good old days…" He held up his hands as Kaji's brow drew down, "Ok, ok… you win… I'll tell you." He stood and walked over to the bars, resting his hands on them as he spoke. "I owed a certain organization some money… and they meant for me to pay, one way or another. So I had to make myself scarce."
Kaji scowled, "And you couldn't be bothered to at least write me a note, or-"
"I knew you would try and help me," Martin said with a small smile, "and it was bigger than you could handle, so I didn't want you involved."
Kaji looked away, desperately wanting to believe his old friend.
"Hey, Kaji…" Martin said after a moment of silence, "how long have you known me?"
Kaji blinked as he brought his attention back to the man in the cell, "I don't know…" he shrugged, "over ten years."
Martin held his eyes, "Considering that you've known me that long, and that you ONCE trusted me…" he hesitated, "I hope you can believe me when I tell you that there's a traitor in your midst."
Kaji laughed, "That's like saying there's a fish in the ocean, my friend, you-"
"No," Martin said softly, "I mean you have a SEELE in your midst…"
Kaji stopped laughing. "Who?" He said flatly, "Tell me, and maybe I can get you out of here in exchange."
Now it was Martin's turn to laugh, "You think *I* would know WHO it is?" He shook his head, "I'm just a grunt… but I'm a good grunt, so I pay attention to what I'm told… and what I get. I know that it's someone with access to all of the personnel files… and information on the EVAs." He met Kaji's eyes, "The information I had when I was assigned to capture Unit 01 is not the kind that spies can get to… it's the kind that someone high up LETS get out."
Kaji mulled this over for a minute, "Then I think I know who it could be…"
"Careful…" Martin said quietly, "the council members are not so foolish as to leave obvious traces. Most likely, it's someone you won't expect until it's too late."
Kaji nodded, "You're right, I know…" he shook himself, suddenly realizing how convenient the situation seemed. His eyes narrowed, "Of course… they would want me thrown off track if I was getting close… and what better way than to have the finger pointed in the wrong direction, right?"
Martin sighed, "You never were the trusting kind… I guess that's why you're still alive." He stepped away from the bars and went back to his cot, "Take it any way you like, my old friend… my conscience is clean."
Kaji watched as the man who had once been his best friend, and had saved his life on many occasions, settled onto his bed.
"I hope it all works out for you, Kaji, I really do…" Martin said, putting his hands behind his head and closing his eyes, "you were always a good friend, and never did me wrong. And regardless of what you think of me now, I'll always think of you as the wet-behind-the ears freshman whose ass I had to save when he hit on the girlfriend of the rival fraternity's two-hundred and fifty pound quarterback."
Kaji smiled as he recalled how they first met… and wondered how things had gotten to be so far from there. He felt that he should say something, but could not think of anything appropriate… so he turned on his heel and left the room.
Neither of them ever noticed the small camera, no bigger than a pencil eraser, stuck the wall opposite the cell… recording everything.
**
Shinji approached the tall apartment building slowly, looking for Hikari. Finally he spied her leaning up against the reinforced concrete wall of the structure and raised a hand in a small wave.
She stepped away from the building and walked up to him, "Hi…" she said softly, "thank you for doing this for me, it means a lot…"
He smiled and looked at the ground, feeling incredibly awkward, "It's no problem… really…" he said, just as softly.
She shook her head, "It is…" she insisted, "my father is a very proper man, and if you hadn't accepted his invitation I'm afraid he would have come to see you and thrown himself at your feet to beg your forgiveness for offending you."
He gaped at her, and she continued, trying to explain, "My father clings tightly to the old ways… it's his defense." She turned and motioned for him to follow her, walking towards the entrance to the big building.
Shinji nodded, "I understand that… my teacher back in my old town was the same. He tried to pretend that Second Impact never happened…" he smiled sadly at the memory of a simpler time, "he even made us eat on the floor, kneeling in front of the table."
Hikari smiled at the image of Shinji sitting in a kimono and eating a very formal, very old-fashioned dinner with his wrinkled old instructor. She pushed the button for the elevator and said, "Well, my father doesn't quite go that far… but things like respect and propriety are very important to him." She looked at him, "Would it be too much to ask if you bowed to him? It would make him happy…" -And that would make me happy…- she added mentally.
Shinji nodded, "Of course…" they lapsed into silence as the elevator arrived and they got in.
As it began to move slowly upwards, Hikari said, "Since this building is reinforced so heavily, the elevator is too… so it will take a few minutes."
Shinji nodded again, and the silence returned.
After a moment, they both began to shift uncomfortably. It was Shinji that moved first… just a small step to the side. A few seconds later, Hikari moved too. As they got closer to the top, they gradually edged closer to one another… neither saying a word or acknowledging that it was happening. By the time they reached the top, they were standing side by side, almost touching… looking opposite directions and blushing deeply.
As the doors slid open, Shinji took a hesitant step away from her and said, "Umm… after you…"
She nodded, trying to control her erratic breathing, -That was… nice…- she thought, wishing that the elevator had taken longer.
Hikari led him to her apartment, knocking on the door. "Father insists that he be allowed to open the door when we have company…" she said, feeling slight embarrassed that she was knocking on her own door.
Before Shinji could reply, the door was opened and he found himself face to face with a middle-aged man with classic Japanese features. Shinji took a moment to take in the man's thinning hair, horn-rimmed glasses, and simple button-up shirt… then bowed respectfully. "Mister Horaki," he said quietly, "I am Shinji Ikari… glad to meet you…"
The man returned the bow, bending at the waist… his head dipping well below Shinji's in a position worthy of presenting an emperor.
"You... give me too much respect, sir..." Shinji whispered, flushing deeply.
"No honor is too great," the man said firmly (though he did straighten), "for the man who saved my precious apple blossom."
Hikari flushed deeply as her father used the pet name, "Papa... please..." she whispered.
He smiled, slightly embarrassed, "I am sorry…" he said. He then stepped to the side, opening the door wide, "Won't you please come in, Mister Ikari?"
"Thank you…" Shinji said softly, hesitating for a moment, "Hikari?" He gestured for her to go first.
Her father smiled at this, "You are very polite, Mister Ikari," he said, approval in his voice, "it is a sign of good upbringing…"
Shinji flushed deeply, "Thank you sir… though I'm afraid my upbringing left much to be desired."
Mister Horaki smiled wider, "Then it is a reflection on you and your ability to rise above adversity. And please," he added, "call me Kazuki."
Shinji avoided his eyes, "If it is ok, I think it would be more appropriate to call you Mister Horaki…" he bowed again, "I mean no disrespect."
"Not at all," Kazuki said, returning the bow, "it shall be as you say, Mister Ikari."
"Is that him?" A small voice whispered in awe.
Shinji cast his eyes to the left, finding two young girls staring at him with something close to an openly worshipful look on their faces. He blinked, -They're twins…- he thought, -I didn't know that…-
Kodama and Nozomi Horaki both smiled, a pretty echo that threatened to take Shinji's breath away.
Hikari grinned at Shinji's dazed look, then her eyes grew far off as she remembered her first visit to him in the hospital…
Shinji opened his eyes slowly, pleased to find that this did not cause his head to throb, and looked around his room.
He blinked in surprised to find Hikari sitting in the chair at his right, frowning lightly, "Good morning, Shinji…" she said softly, "I'm glad that you're awake."
Shinji stared at her for a moment, -She looks so different…- he thought, looking at the conservative sweater she wore against the cold of the hospital's air-conditioning system… and the braid that hung down over her shoulder. "I like your hair that way…" he said, regretting the words as they left his mouth. –Geez…- he thought, -I sound like I'm hitting on her…-
She looked at the floor, blushing slightly, "Thank you. I… decided to keep it this way after we got back because it's easier than the two, and I don't have to carry rubber bands around wherever I go…" -And to remind me…- she thought, -to remind me that things here are safe… not like when we were there…-
Shinji nodded, "I understand that…" he said softly.
And he did. Better than she knew, Shinji understood what a reminder meant… which is why he had called Kaji as soon as he had been able to and asked him to arrange more survival training for him – preferably without Misato's knowledge (she had felt guilty enough for not being able to protect him). Kaji had agreed, understanding immediately Shinji's need to feel safe… and to have the ability to protect himself – even though something like this could NEVER happen again… not with the way NERV worked…
He looked up into her eyes, "I'm glad you came to visit me…" he said softly, "why did you wait so long?"
Her flush deepened, -Because I couldn't face you…- her mind whispered, -because I was ashamed… because I'm the reason you're hurt…- To him, she said, "My… father wanted me to stay home for a few days… to recover. I'm sorry…"
He smiled gently, "Don't be," he said gently, "I'm glad that you finally came…"
They stared at each other, at a loss for what to say next. Finally, Shinji said, "Hikari? I… heard that it was your idea to put me in Unit 01… thank you." He smiled, "You saved my life twice…"
She looked at the floor and smiled, "I…" she hesitated, "I didn't know if it would help… but I'm… I'm glad it did…" looking back up into his eyes she said, "I don't know what I would have done if I… if you…" she stopped talking abruptly, unable to finish.
"Yeah…" he said softly, "I'm glad you were ok, too…"
The rest of the visit was spent in meaningless chitchat and awkward silence as each tried to put their feelings into words… and failed. Eventually. Hikari stood and announced that she had to go. She took a step towards him… then stopped. –I… why do I want to touch him?- She asked herself, "Get better soon, Shinji…" she said quickly, then left without waiting for a reply… unable to deal with the conflicting emotions within her.
Shinji could only watch her go, an image of Touji flashing through his mind and freezing his call to stop her on his lips…
"Shall we eat?" Kazuki said briskly, breaking Hikari's reverie.
"You cooked?" She asked, blinking in disbelief.
"We did." Kodama and Nozomi said in unison, then tittered as Shinji looked from one to the other, apparently trying to decide which of them was cuter.
Hikari felt her chest tighten as a small, pure smile crept across Shinji's face, -He likes them…- she thought, -he likes my family…- She was unsure as to why this thought should bring her such joy… but it did.
Kazuki showed Shinji to the table, refusing to sit until he had.
Most of the meal passed in pleasant small talk and silence that gradually became more comfortable. Hikari noted with some amusement that Kodama seemed to be going far out of her way to hand Shinji extra food… and the starry look in the girl's eyes, -Poor thing…- she thought, suppressing a smile, -she's in love…- Not that she could blame her sister for being smitten, Shinji was handsome… and if she wasn't in love with Touji, things might have been different.
-But I AM!- She thought, shaking her head, -I am in love with Touji…- but watching Shinji as he talked politely to her younger sisters and father… it was easy to imagine that he was the one that she should be with.
As the girls brought desert, Kazuki said, "Why don't you two go and play for a few minutes, I need to speak with Mister Ikari…"
The twins moaned that they didn't want to, but their father was adamant. Finally, they left… but not before Kodama bowed formally to Shinji and said in a rather timid voice, "It was very nice to meet you, Mister Ikari…" her face flushed terribly and she ran out of the room, her sister following and teasing her mercilessly.
"It seems she's quite taken with you," Kazuki said with a smile, "if you're not careful, you'll find yourself married to her… and never have a clue how it happened."
Shinji smiled at him, "I can think of worse fates, Mister Horaki…" he said.
To Hikari's surprise… he sounded like he meant it. She studied his face, relaxed now, and wondered, -What is it about him? Is it just what happened to us? Or is it something else… was there always something?-
Kazuki sighed, "I wish we could go in the living room to sit and talk, that would be the proper way to entertain company… but I'm afraid that would leave nowhere for the girls to play." He shook his head sadly, "Since our house was destroyed in the last angel attack, we've been crammed in here, waiting for NERV to find us another home… you would be surprised at how much paperwork is involved."
"I'm sorry," Shinji said softly, "I… the attacks are hard on everyone, I know…" he looked away, frowning, "but I can't help but feel that if I did my job better things would be easier… maybe you'd even still have your house."
"Nonsense!!" Kazuki said, waving his hand, "If not for you, we'd all be dead… I think we can spare a few bits of property, Mister Ikari."
Shinji smiled, "Thank you, Mister Horaki… that's a very nice thing to say."
After a moment of silence, Kazuki said, "I would like to talk to you about what happened, if it is alright…"
Shinji nodded, "Of course… I thought you might…" He had prayed with all of his might that Kazuki would NOT want to hear about it… but he knew deep down that he would.
"I understand you had to kill a man to save her." Kazuki said softly, "That must have been hard for you..."
Shinji blinked in shock, -I did?- He thought. He looked to Hikari, and found her eyes pleading him to agree. "Yes," he said, his voice sounding certain, "I did… and yes, it was…" He hesitated, then went on, "but I knew she would die if I didn't do anything," he never looked away from Hikari as he spoke, "it wasn't an easy thing to do... or to forgive myself for..."
Hikari's eyes widened, and Shinji nodded slightly, as if saying, 'You did the right thing... even if you don't believe it, I know you did.' She smiled softly, mouthing, 'Thank you.' He returned the smile and turned to her father, changing the subject.
**
The remainder of the conversation was mostly small talk – the kind people use to get aquatinted.
Shinji listened as Kazuki outlined his (admittedly dull) duties as a lower-level engineer at NERV and his desire for a promotion. Kazuki nodded his approval of Shinji's plans to continue on to university after the war was over and possibly play his cello for a crowd (a new dream for him, admitted for the first time to them that afternoon). Hikari blushed as she talked about her hopes that Touji would become more responsive and open in the near future and expressed her wish that Shinji would visit with her sometime.
Soon a comfortable silence descended, as each of them got caught up in their own visions and hopes for the future.
After a few moments, Shinji said hesitantly, "Well, I have some work at headquarters that I need to take care of." He rose to his feet, waiting until Kazuki had too, and bowed formally, "Thank you for a most enjoyable time, Mister Horaki. You have a wonderful family. I'm… envious." He blushed at his last comment, embarrassed that he had spoken it aloud.
Kazuki smiled and returned the bow, this time matching Shinji's level equally, "It was an honor to have you, Mister Ikari. I look forward to seeing you again." He rose and extended his hand, which Shinji took, "Do not hesitate to visit us anytime…" he said, covering Shinji's hand with his other, "our door is always open to you. And thank you again for what you have done."
Shinji blushed, but accepted the thanks with a small nod. As they reached the door, he felt a small hand tug tentatively on his. "Mister Ikari?" He looked down to find Kodama looking up at him with a blush on her pretty face.
He knelt so he was at her eye level, "Yes, Miss Horaki?" He said with an encouraging smile.
The eleven year-old's blush deepened, and he thought she might run away, but she held her ground and stammered, "P-please come back a-and visit us again… soon?"
The anxious look on her face filled him with a strange mixture of contentment and sadness. –She wants me here…- he thought with some wonder. He looked around at the other three Horakis… all smiling genuinely at him, -they ALL want me here…-
Holding Hikari's eyes, he answered softly, "I would love to visit again, Kodama… if it's really alright with the rest of your family…" No words could describe what he felt as they all nodded firmly… or the warm sensation that filled him as Hikari blushed slightly, nodding the quickest.
"Mister Ikari?" He looked back to Kodama to find her holding something out to him.
He took it carefully, turning it over in his hands. "Thank you, Kodama," he said as he admired the roughly woven green and blue string bracelet, "it's lovely."
Kodama was flushed a brilliant crimson, but she forced the words past her lips, "It's… a friendship bracelet," she said, finally dropping her eyes, "will you… be my friend?"
Shinji looked at the others… and was thankful to find them all studying other parts of the room with great interest in an attempt to offer privacy in the confined hallway that led to the door. He smiled, -You are very lucky, Hikari…- he thought with no small amount of envy. To Kodama he said softly, "It would be an honor…" He laid the bracelet against his wrist and held it out to her, "A proper friendship bracelet is tied by a friend," he said, meeting her eyes, "will you tie it?"
Kodama's breath caught in her throat… but she nodded, unable to look away from his eyes. With trembling fingers she tied the string onto his un-cast wrist.
When she was done, Shinji smiled and whispered, "Now we're friends…" He held out his arms to the girl, smiling softly.
Hikari finally turned to watch, unable to look away as this gentle young man performed one of the sweetest acts she had ever seen and hugged her younger sister, promising to be her friend.
Releasing the young girl, Shinji stood, "Let me thank you once more for a lovely dinner, Mister Horaki… and if you will have me again, I would love to come again sometime…" he bowed his head, a sad expression coming over his face, "when my schedule permits."
Kazuki nodded, "As I said, Mister Ikari, anytime you would like… please do not wait for an invitation." They bowed to each other once more, and Hikari followed Shinji out the door.
They entered the elevator in silence. After a few moments, Shinji smiled softly and said, "Apple blossom, huh?"
She flushed (as he had secretly hoped she would) and looked at the floor, "Yes - but please don't tell anyone at school, ok? It's bad enough when HE does it… "
Shinji stared at her, his mouth open, "I would never!" He said, sounding slightly horrified.
She knew he wouldn't… but hearing him say it still comforted her, "I'm sorry…" she said softly, "and thank you for backing my story. Papa would not take it well if he knew I had had too… had too…" she stopped, her eyes getting damp.
"Shhhh…" he said gently, laying a hand on her shoulder, "I understand…"
Her eyes met his, "You're the only one that does…" she whispered.
Slowly, they began to lean towards each other, their eyes locked firmly together. A moment before their lips met, the elevator jerked to a stop, startling them.
Hikari backed away quickly, "I'm… going to visit Touji now…" she said, sounding shaken.
"Yeah…" Shinji whispered, noting how she had emphasized his friend's name, "tell him I said hi…"
She nodded, all but running from the elevator… and from what had almost happened.
He watched her leave with a sad expression, "…never meant to be." He whispered softly.
Shaking himself, he stepped from the elevator and began walking towards NERV, his mind skipping back to Hikari's visit, and Asuka's… and the third, strangest visit he had received between them – the one he was still trying to convince himself was not a dream…
Shinji opened his eyes, feeling as if the lids were coated with sandpaper. He looked to the calendar on the wall to his right, "Was Asuka here… yesterday? Or the day before?" he whispered to himself thickly. Time held very little meaning for him since he had awoken.
He sighed and closed his eyes again, trying to get comfortable in the bed. –These bandages are HEAVY!- It also didn't help that he felt exceedingly warm, -Are they trying to bake me?- He thought irritably.
His body felt as if it was moving through quicksand – a sensation the doctors told him was a result of the large amounts of anesthetics he had been given. They had also told him to enjoy it while he could, because once the drugs wore off he would be in rather a lot of pain.
The fact that he could not lift his left arm concerned him, as he could when Asuka had visited. He concentrated on moving it and was rewarded with a dissatisfied groan – not his own.
His eyes flew open and he looked down, finding the outline of another body under the covers. "What the…?" He whispered.
Slowly, he pulled the covers back… and his heart nearly stopped dead as his eyes were treated to the sight of pale skin (lots of it) and a tousled mass of blue hair. "Rei??" He gasped.
The First Child stirred and tried to press her face up against him to block out the light. Apparently realizing that there WAS light to block out, she raised her head and opened her crimson eyes. "You are awake…" she said softly, "I am glad."
"Rei?" He asked with a slight tremor in his voice, "Why are you… naked?"
She frowned slightly, as if the answer should be evident, "I do not wear my clothes when I sleep, Ikari…"
-Of course,- he thought, -that brings me to my next question…- "Why are you sleeping with me?" He asked quietly. –Not that I mind, really, - he thought, becoming more and more aware of her nudity against him.
She looked away, a very pale blush gracing her delicate features as she replied, "There was… something I did not understand…" she said hesitantly.
He blinked, -And you couldn't ask someone to explain it?- He thought, finding the situation growing more and more surreal. "What didn't you understand?" He prompted softly as the silence stretched on.
She met his eyes again, "I did not understand why I should be concerned for you." She said calmly, "You are another pilot, and should not mean more to mean than Souryu…"
Her cold assessment left him with a dull ache in his chest, and he opened his mouth to tell her that HE thought of her as more than that (what, he wasn't sure exactly, but he felt SOMETHING for her). She continued before he could speak, "But you do, Ikari," she said softly, "and I believe that I have identified the feeling that I have for you."
"What is it, Rei?" He whispered softly, scared and thrilled at what her answer might be.
"Protectiveness," she said coolly, "I feel that I am compelled to defend you, and I will do so, Ikari… regardless of the cost."
Shinji blinked, not sure if he should be honored that she was essentially telling him that she would die for him, or disappointed that she had not felt something more… intimate.
"Thank you, Rei…" he said finally, "I would do the same for you."
The blue-hared girl tilted her head, "You would?" Shinji nodded. Softly, she said, "Ikari, I would like you to move in to my apartment. I feel that it would be the best way to protect you, as Major Katsuragi's apartment would not accommodate another tenant."
Shinji's eyes widened, half from what she was saying and half from the firm, no-nonsense tone she said it in. –That voice…- he thought as he looked into her eyes, -she sounds like she's my mother…- To Rei he said gently, "I don't think that would be a good idea, Ayanami. I am… home with Misato."
He thought she might be upset, what with the way she had practically DEMANDED that he move in with her… but instead she just nodded, as if this was the reaction she had expected, "Very well…"
Carefully sliding out from under the covers, she said, "I must leave now… I must go to a synchronization test for the Commander, and I have already delayed for too long."
Shinji blushed and looked away as her bare body moved slowly to the chair where she had neatly folded her clothes.
"I do not understand your discomfort, Ikari…" she said with a slight frown as she pulled her panties on, "you have seen me with no clothes… and you have touched my body. Why are you now embarrassed?"
Shinji kept his head turned to the side, answering slowly, "I… because, Rei… it isn't right for me to look at you this way…"
"Why?" Was her calm reply.
He sighed softly, "Several reasons, I guess…" he said reluctantly, "first because your body is private, and I shouldn't look at it without your permission. And also, I am not your… your boyfriend, so it's not really proper. Third…" the drugs in his system made coming up with a third reason impossible, so he stopped at two.
"You have my permission…" Rei said softly, stepping into his field of view, now fully clothed, "and you are my friend…" He opened his mouth to explain the difference between a friend and a boyfriend, but she kept talking, "I believe that I understand, however… and I will try to always be clothed when you see me."
"T-thank you, Rei…" he said, feeling a slight stab of disappointment at the thought of never seeing her naked again… but he knew that this was right for them.
She nodded, almost smiling, "You are welcome."
After a moment's silence, she turned and walked out, pausing at the door to say simply, "Goodbye."
It came as very little surprise to him that she moved into one of the apartments in Misato's building the next day…
Shinji sighed deeply, thinking, -Well… at least she doesn't tail me, or something like that…-
Since Rei had moved in, he had actually seen very little of her… making him wonder why exactly she had felt the urge to move if she wasn't going to ever see him.
He may have been impressed to learn that she WAS in fact following him… and had been since he had returned from the hospital. Rei always knew where he was, and as a result… she knew exactly where he was going right then.
Had he seen her watching him make his way to NERV… he would definitely have been surprised to see the deep scowl of disapproval on her face.
**
"Hey, Katsuragi!" Kaji's jovial voice greeted Misato as she came onto the bridge.
"Kaji," she said quickly, "I need to ask you something."
Kaji moved away from Maya Ibuki's terminal, "Of course… but first, let me ask YOU something."
She blinked, "Ok…"
He looked around and dropped his voice to a whisper, "What exactly was your mission when Unit 01 was shot down? There's no information on it anywhere."
She stared at him blankly, "What do you mean, no information?" She whispered back, "It was a standard inspection mission to look at one of the new EVAs in Germany… it's all in the computers."
He was shaking his head, "Not anymore… the records have been marked classified… Omega level."
Her jaw dropped open, "Omega??" She gasped, "Only the Commander and the members of SEELE have access to that… why would they classify the mission so highly? Is it because of what happened?"
He was staring at the floor with an intent look on his face, "Now it makes sense…" he said softly. Looking at her, he said, "What does your gut tell you was the objective of the assault on Shinji's plane?"
She frowned, "To get Unit 01, of course. That man," she snapped her fingers, trying to come up with his name, "Martin admitted it to Shinji." She smiled broadly, "Guess they failed, huh?"
"I don't know about that," he said dryly, "in case you missed it, YOURS is the mission that failed… you still don't have the information on the mass production EVAs."
Misato looked at him, stunned. It hadn't occurred to her that there might have been more than one reason for the attack… and the proposal for another mission had been shot down faster than Unit 01 had – making her wonder just what was going on.
"Another thing," he went on, leaning closer to her, "don't you find it odd that the freeze on Unit 01 was lifted suddenly for a routine inspection mission?"
Misato tried to regain her balance, "That… was Commander Ikari's order…" she said doubtfully.
"Ahh!" Kaji said, raising a finger, "But why? Was HE acting on someone else's directive? There ARE forces even the mighty Commander must answer too…"
She pondered this for a moment, then whispered, "I take it you're already looking into it…"
He smiled slightly and nodded, "Of course… but anything you come across would be most helpful."
She nodded, "Anything I find, I'll share, if you do the same." As he nodded again, she said. "Now, have you seen Shinji? I'm worried about him, and I can't find him anywhere…"
Kaji stepped away, "Don't worry, Katsuragi," he said softly, "Shinji can take care of himself…"
She met his eyes, "What do you mean by that? He's fourteen…he CAN'T."
He looked away from her, his voice so low she could barely hear it, "He can now…"
She wondered suddenly if Shinji was going through what Hikari was, and she remembered one late-night call from just a few days ago…
Misato walked into the apartment feeling dead on her feet, -God… it's good to be home…- she thought tiredly. She had not found much information that night, and Kaji had not been around to help her hunt. Now all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for four hours, -Just long enough to get really asleep before my alarm goes off…- she thought dourly.
As she took off her flight jacket, however, the phone rang, surprising her. "Who could that be at THIS hour?" She whispered with a frown, "Maybe it's Kaji…" She walked into the kitchen and picked up the phone, "Hello?"
For a moment, there was nothing but the sound of harsh breathing, making Misato think that she might actually be the victim of a good old fashioned prank call. She was about to whisper something seductive, like, 'Too bad all you do is pant, because I'm in the mood for so much more,' then hang up, when a tentative female voice said, "May I please speak to Shinji?"
Misato blinked in surprise, placing the voice immediately, "I... I'm sorry Hikari, he's asleep right now…" -Why is she calling so LATE??- she thought.
"Could you… check on him?" The younger woman asked hesitantly, "Please?"
Misato paused, "I'm sure he's ok, Hikari…" she said slowly, "but if it will make you feel bett-"
"Yes…" the young girl cut her off, speaking much too quickly. She apologized just as fast, "I mean… yes, please… it would… umm…" She fell silent.
"I understand…" Misato said soothingly.
If she could have read Hikari's thoughts, she would have been surprised to hear loud and clear, 'No… you don't.' But seeing as how couldn't, she set the phone down and went to Shinji's room.
She opened the door a crack and peeked in. It wasn't hard to find Shinji's form in the darkness… he was sprawled on top of his covers, and though she only watched him for a total of about thirty seconds, he moved five times as she stood there… seeming to try and find a more comfortable position… or ward off a particularly bad dream.
She went back to the phone… hesitated… then said softly, "Hikari? May I ask you something?"
The girl on the other end said nothing at first, then whispered tensely, "Is he ok?"
Misato frowned, "Yes," she said, sensing that the girl might be on the verge of breaking down, "he's fine… he's asleep, Hikari."
"Thank you, Major Katsuragi," the girl said after a deep, relieved sigh, "I just…" she trailed off.
Misato stepped into the silence that was left, "Why?" She said softly, knowing that the girl would understand the question.
Hikari's breath quickened, and she didn't reply for almost a full minute. When she did, her voice was so low that Misato had to strain to hear it, "I don't know… I… NEED to know he's alright… I don't know why." Her voice became pleading, "Please don't tell him… and please don't be mad at me, Major Katsuragi… please?"
"Alright, Hikari…" Misato said softly, "I won't tell him… and I'm not mad." She licked her lips, "Hikari? Have you… thought about seeing someone about this?"
There was another silence, "I do…" the girl confessed miserably, "every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday… for two hours… I do. But…" her voice took a slightly desperate edge, "it doesn't help… I have to hear his voice… or know that he's ok…" She took another deep breath, "Asuka… has checked for me too. GOD! I'm so pathetic!!" She moaned.
"It's ok," Misato said, "don't worry about it, ok? If you need me too… I'll check on him anytime… alright?"
"Thank you…" Hikari nearly sobbed, "thank you…"
"But that's not the point," Kaji said, bringing her back to the present, "the point is that I don't know where he is right now… sorry."
-You're lying…- she thought. She could tell when he was… and to his credit, he seldom did (to her, anyway), but when he did his face flushed ever so slightly and he scratched his right cheek. It was just a little thing – not something that someone would notice… unless they watched every move he made… or thought about him non-stop (though she would NEVER admit that… least of all to him).
She decided to let it go, "Ok… I'm going to look for him, because I know he's in the complex somewhere, and I need to talk to him." Kaji looked away.
She didn't wait for him to say anything, just turned and started for the door. As she reached the threshold she could vaguely hear him saying in his 'I'm just playing around, but not really' voice, "So! Ibuki… busy this evening?" She rolled her eyes in disgust.
She walked slowly through the hallways of NERV, wondering what Kaji had meant by his cryptic comment about Shinji. Sighing, she let her instinctive protectiveness of her young charge guild her… finally ending up at the entrance to the weapons training ground.
The training ground was a huge, sprawling obstacle course, filled with robots programmed to stun… or kill, depending on the level that the course was set to (NERV took its training VERY seriously… and several people had died on the range due to lack of proper train or over-zealousness).
She looked through the one-way shatterproof glass and on to the course, catching her breath at the sight she beheld.
Shinji was on the course, crouching with his back up against one of the obstacles and holding a gun in each hand. It looked as if he was staring at her, an intense frown on his face, -That's impossible,- she thought, -he can't see out… it would be too much of a distraction…- But she could not shake the feeling that he was aware of her.
He looked ragged… sweat running freely down his face, his breath coming short and fast, and the cast that was still on his wrist only added to his look of haunted fear. Her eyes briefly landed on a small, hand-woven bracelet that now adorned his other wrist. She smiled, -Made a friend, Shinji? I'm glad…- She thought.
Her smile faded as her desire to defend him took over and she reached for the door… but it would not open. "What the…?" She looked up, and her heart stopped beating. She began frantically throwing her weight against the door, trying to break it down as the red words 'Live-fire test under way, no further personnel allowed' burned into her mind.
Unable to open the door, she went back to the window, screaming his name futilely as he rose from his crouch and cocked the two guns in his hands.
If he could hear her, he made no indication. He whirled around and began moving cautiously across the field, swinging both guns from side to side and making his way towards a door that had a sign marked simply: Exit.
How many times she screamed in horror as she watched him face obstacle… after obstacle… after obstacle… she did not know. All she knew was that as he approached the exit, her throat was raw and her eyes were stinging. "Shinji…" she moaned, "please… please stop this…"
Nearing the exit, he was taken off-guard by a large robot… it popped up out of the ground and fired before he could react, throwing him back against a wall. "NO!!" She screamed, banging on the glass in frustration, "It can't end here…" she whispered, "please, God…"
The machine strode slowly towards his inert form, bringing its gun up for another shot. Before it could fire, Shinji's eyes flew open and a savage snarl contorted his face. Misato could not hear it, but she was sure he must have been growling.
He thrust both guns forward and pulled the triggers, pumping round after round into the robot and dropping it to the ground. He rose, wincing and holding his side, and moved to the exit.
Misato ran around to the where the door would let him out, stopping around the corner and taking several deep breaths. She stepped around the corner, surprising him as he pulled off the bulletproof vest that had saved his life, "Shinji! Hi…" she said nonchalantly, "doing some training?"
He flushed like a small child caught taking candy from a cupboard… but to her surprise, he nodded and said firmly, "Yes… I won't get caught unprepared again, Misato… no one can protect me but me…"
A silent war raged through her as he finished taking off the vest and inspected the bruise on his ribs. The woman in her wanted to pull him close and mother him, holding him in her arms and whispering that everything was going to be alright. The soldier in her wanted to both congratulate him for showing the initiative to seek out training on his own… and berate him for even attempting a live-fire run with a wrist that was still on the mend and no one to help him should anything untoward happen.
As he drew his shirt back on and finished buttoning it, all of the feelings collided and mixed inside of her, moving her to action.
Shinji blinked in surprise as Misato stepped closer to him and looked into his eyes, "Wha-what is it?" He asked, sure that she was about to verbally thrash him for being reckless in his training.
Instead she slowly reached out and pulled him up against her. His head rested sideways between her breasts, and with anyone else (or maybe even at any other time) the sensation might have been arousing. As it was… he felt comforted and safe as her arms closed around him.
Neither of them spoke for a moment. It was the first honest, uninhibited display of affection that either of them had shown… and the moment was fragile as fine crystal. It became more so as Shinji tentatively put his arms around his guardian and deepened the embrace.
"Shinji?" She asked finally.
His voice was small and almost childlike as he replied, "Yes, Misato?" He waited for her inevitable question, 'Why would you do something like this?' or, 'Do you know how important you are?' Or possibly, 'You could re-break your wrist, you know?' As the seconds stretched, he felt her slow, steady breath… and inhaled her clean, lavender-tinted fragrance. –This is safety…- he thought, closing his eyes and finally letting himself fully into her embrace, -this is what it is to be loved… isn't it?-
Misato wet her lips as he became more relaxed in her arms, "Shinji…" she said slowly, "what kind of gun do I carry?"
He had only seen it a few times, but his answer was immediate, "You carry a US-made Browning forty-five. It holds fifteen bullets in the clip, and one more in the pipe, if you plan ahead that's sixteen rounds…" his eyes were still closed… but in his mind he could see the weapon plain as day.
Now Misato closed her eyes, fear and sorrow flooding through her, "Shinji…" she asked in a low voice, "what… what kind of gun are you carrying?" She knew he had one… all of her instincts, maternal and military, screamed it.
He let out a deep breath, "I have a Heckler and Koch P-Seven in a holster on the small of my back," he confessed slowly, "and before you ask, I will not stop carrying it… under any circumstances."
She nodded, "I understand." Without releasing him she sat carefully on the floor of the preparation area for the training course, situating him in her lap. She held her silence for a moment, then spoke in a tone more caring than any he had ever heard from her before, "I want you to be careful, Shinji…" she said, gently stroking the back of his neck with her fingertips, "I know you went though a rough experience, and that you're scared…" she began rocking slowly back and forth with him, shoving all of her training and harshness down deep inside and letting her feelings lead her, "but please don't let this be what defines you, ok?"
"I… don't understand…" he said hesitantly… even though he did – and she knew that he did… but she went on anyway.
"Don't let it own you…" she said, leaning away from him slightly and putting a hand under his chin to raise his face up. She waited until he opened his eyes before finishing, "don't let that one day become your whole life, Shinji. Even though it's hard, TRY and remember that there are people that care for you and will watch out for you… and that sometimes, in the company of those people if nowhere else, you CAN let your guard down and enjoy your life…"
A tear slipped unheeded down his cheek, "Misato, I can't…" he whispered hoarsely, "every time I close my eyes, I see that man dying in front of me…"
Her heart broke at the lost expression on his face, "Oh, Shinji…" she whispered, caressing his cheek, "it's ok… you only did what you had to do to survive… and so did Hikari. It's just like fighting the angels."
"It's... different," he said, his eyes losing focus, "angels aren't human..." he looked at the floor, his voice dropping to a whisper, "angels don't bleed on you when they die... or look into your eyes..."
She brought his head up again to meet her eyes, "Shinji…" she said softly, "you don't have to feel guilty because you lived and he didn't…"
He nodded slowly, "I know that… somewhere deep inside…" he said, "but when it's late at night… and all I can see is his face…" his voice broke slightly, "and hers…"
"Shh…" Misato whispered, stopping him from finishing the thought, "don't…" She held him close again, "Shinji…" she said quietly, "if you want to… you can sleep with me in my bed… if it would make you feel safe…" She smiled softly and tried to lighten the mood, "it would make Kaji all kinds of jealous…"
Shinji finally smiled too, "That would be worth seeing…" he admitted. He sighed deeply, "I… I want to get through this on my own, Misato… I feel like it's something I have to beat by myself… but I might have to take you up on that sometime…"
She nodded, "Anytime you need to…" she began to pull away, but he stopped her, holding her tightly.
"Misato?" He asked in a very quiet… very small voice, "Can we… stay like this for a few minutes? Please?"
She smiled, "Of course…" she whispered tenderly, "there's nowhere I'd rather be."
She held him and swayed back and forth for fifteen minutes… unconsciously humming after the first five. When she looked down at him again, he was asleep… a tranquil look on his (as of late) normally tense features.
She smiled… then scooted back against the closest wall and held her boy as he slept.
Author's Notes: I know nothing about Hikari's sisters, as they are never mentioned in the series beyond their names and I couldn't find anything online regarding them… so if it's all wrong (and there IS information somewhere out there that I missed) then I apologize… but the idea of cute little twins bewitching Shinji was too tempting to pass on. Also, I don't know for sure what kind of gun Misato actually carries… but in the few scenes where she draws it (and with my admittedly limited knowledge of firearms) it looked very much like a .45 to me. As to the gun Shinji carries, I changed it. Why? Because Ryan T. Nelson pointed out that a 45 longslide is a BIG gun… and would A: Not fit under his shirt, and B: Probably break his wrist also… ;)
Thanks to Lord DeathScythe and JobFaust for pre-reading and making some damn fine suggestions.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com