Disclaimer: see part 1.
Survivors
Part 3
Tangled web
By Random1377
"Damn…" Shinji Ikari whispered quietly, shivering in the dark as the dream chased unconsciousness away. Though he was physically warm, he could not shake the deep cold that gripped him inside. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling with a frown. The woman beside him stirred, but did not wake – much to his relief.
-Why?- he thought, feeling her deep, even breathing, -Why am I so weak?- In spite of this thought, the woman's soft body and warm breath was very soothing, and he soon found himself relaxing again.
He looked at her face in the moonlight. Misato Katsuragi was truly a gorgeous woman – especially when sleep filled her face with peace. He tried to ease out of arms, wondering exactly when she had put them around him, but she moaned quietly and pulled him closer.
He sighed in defeat, letting her hold him in spite of his discomfort as being so close to her. "Nnnnn…" she whimpered, shaking her head from side to side. His eyes widened as she whispered, "Daddy…" shivering slightly. He looked at her face, now screwed up into a sad mix of fear and confusion.
It was only the second time he had been unable to sleep… and asked to stay in her bed, but he was surprised to find that she suffered from nightmares as well. He watched her growing more agitated for a moment or two… then carefully slid one arm under her, fighting the awkwardness he felt and embracing her gently. "Shhh…" he whispered, "it's ok… shhh…"
Slowly, she calmed, sighing softly in her sleep and pressing close to him, murmuring something too softly for him to hear.
-Everyone needs comfort I guess…- he thought, feeling her chest press against him every time she took a breath, -especially now…-
It had been a hard two weeks, with one Earth-shattering event after another. As his guardian slept, Shinji's mind went back to the first of the awful things to happen…
Shinji ran from Unit 01, not bothering to even wipe the LCL from his face. Only one thought was in his mind, -Asuka…-
He saw her sitting in the middle of a square of orange tape, rocking back and forth with her arms around her knees. "ASUKA!" he called to her.
"Go away, Shinji…" she whispered as he drew closer, " I don't want to-"
She was cut off as he dropped to his knees, sliding neatly under the tape, and threw his arms around her, pulling her close to him, "I won't…" he whispered fiercely into her ear, "do you hear me? I won't go… I won't leave you alone… I WON'T let you go!"
"S-Shinji?" she whispered, unsure of how to react. After a moment, she gave in and simply wept. Long, wracking sobs taking over her body as he held her firmly, "Shinji…" she cried, "it… raped me…"
"I know…" he said, gently rocking her back and forth, "I'm so sorry, Asuka… I wanted to help you… but father wouldn't let me…"
"You… you did?" she gasped through her tears, "Why did it have to be HER??" She sobbed, "I would rather have died!!"
"Shhh…" he whispered, gently stroking her hair with one hand, "I'm glad she saved you, Asuka…" she started pull away, moaning that he didn't understand, but he tightened his grip, "I don't know what I would have done if you had been killed…"
Her struggles ceased, "You… what?" she whispered.
"You mean a lot to me, Asuka…" he said gently, turning her to face him, "you live with me… you walk to school with me…" he smiled, "you eat my awful cooking." His face became serious, "You're my friend…" he said softly.
"I'm not…" she whispered sullenly, "I treat you badly and-"
"Asuka…" he said with a small frown, "what is this?" When she looked confused, he went on, "I thought you were tougher than this… are you going to just roll over and let the angels win?"
She blinked, averting her eyes. "What do you know…" she whispered, "I'm not rolling over… I-"
He frowned, cutting her off. "Funny…" he said softly, "that's what it looks like to me."
"WELL WHAT SHOULD I DO??" she exploded, "My mind was just raped, do you understand? SOMETHING JUST FUCKED ME!"
"Yeah," he said meeting her eyes, "and you're just gonna sit there and take it. I expected better from you."
She was shaking all over. "You fucking DICK!" She screamed, "You don't know what I went through! You don't know how much it… hurt. GOD! I'd rather it had raped me for real…"
Before she could react, he pulled away… and slapped her. As her eyes widened, he said softly, "Does that make it better? Hmm? Do you like being hurt? Are you just going to sit there and take it from me, too?" He raised his hand, "You think I won't hit you again?"
"You…" she could hardly speak as hot tears coursed down her face, "you… AHHH!!!" she screamed, lashing out and landing a solid punch on the right side of his face.
He crashed to the concrete, dazed. "Asuka…" he tried to push himself back up, but she leaned forward, pinning him down with her knees.
"How DARE YOU!?!" she screamed, her hands wrapping around his throat, "You think you're so much better? You think you can't be hurt??" her body was shaking like a high tension wire as adrenaline flowed through her. Her pupils dilated to narrow points as she began to squeeze.
Instead of struggling, Shinji merely lay still, staring up at her as she tried to end his life. He said nothing as black spots began to dance through his field of vision. –She needs this…- he thought, -she needs to lash out… or she's going to kill herself.-
Tears ran down her cheeks and splashed onto his face as small, desperate sounds emanated from deep in her throat. In a distant corner of her mind, a small voice was whispering to stop… that she was killing him – she ignored it, clenching tighter.
Weakly, Shinji's hand came up… and gently caressed her cheek.
With a sob, she let go, collapsing on top of him. Immediately, his body began drawing in air, making him cough as his lungs drew in huge gasps of oxygen. It was all he could do to rest his right hand on her back as she wept against him.
Eventually her crying slowed, and stopped… leveling out into deep, ragged breathing. –Is she asleep?- he thought, rubbing his throat and wincing.
She answered this by pulling back and looking into his eyes. Her face was less than four inches from his, and he could feel her breath on his lips. Slowly she leaned forward… and kissed his neck, making him shiver.
"I'm sorry…" she whispered against his throat, embracing him clumsily.
"And I'm sorry I hit you…" he replied, closing his eyes and sighing. –Well…- he thought, -it's a start…-.
After a moment of quiet, she said, "I'll find a way to get past this…"
"I expect nothing less from the Second Child…" he replied, "she's always claimed to be the best… and I expect her to live up to it."
"Thank you…" she said, pushing up to look into his face again.
His eyes met hers steadily, "But…" he whispered, "if you do need someone to talk to…" he ran his ran over her cheek, continuing softly, "or if you need a shoulder to cry on… I'll be there… and I'll never tell anyone… ever."
"Thank you…" she said again with a small smile. Her smile fell away a moment later as she looked into his eyes. "Shinji?" she said quietly, "Why haven't you asked Hikari out yet?"
Shinji blinked, completely unprepared for the question, "What? I… what are you talking about?"
Asuka smiled, happy that she had found a focus to take her mind off of what had happened, "You know what I'm talking about…" she said, "you going over to her house for dinner… staring at her in class…" she winked, "calling her house and hanging up…"
She laughed as he blushed, then sobered and said softly, "Hikari is my friend, Shinji…why are you leading her on?"
"I… I'm not…" he stammered, "she… we're just friends and-"
"Shhh…" she whispered, resting her head on his shoulder, "let's talk about it later, ok?"
He nodded, picking up on the note of weariness in her voice. He held her close for another ten minutes, until he felt that her breathing had evened out and her body had relaxed.
Sighing, he whispered, "She IS just a friend… but I wish she could be more…"
Unseen by him, her lips curled up in a tiny smile. She snuggled closer to him, finally letting herself slip over the edge into sleep.
Misato stirred beside him again and opened her eyes in the dark. She blinked as he looked at her, flushing slightly.
"S-sorry…" she whispered, starting to pull away.
"It's ok…" he said softly, tightening his grip, "really…"
"Thank you…" she whispered, laying her head down on his shoulder, "after everything that's happened…" her voice trailed off.
"I know…" he said quietly. He thought of the first time he had needed the comfort of feeling someone beside him, after the incident with the fifteenth angel. He had barely been able to sleep.
This time was easier… but only because he had forced himself to sleep. Taking refuge from the events of that day in troubled dreams – though any nightmare was better than what had happened.
"Do you… want to talk about it?" Misato asked softly, unconsciously tensing beside him. Talking about the destruction of Unit 00 was the farthest thing down on her list of favored discussion topics… but she was determined to help him any way she could.
"No…" he replied, much to her relief, "I don't. Not tonight… not now…" A slightly awkward silence fell as he pondered all that had happened.
He still couldn't believe she was gone. Rei Ayanami had made the ultimate sacrifice less than seven hours prior, taking her Unit, the sixteenth angel, and a large portion of Tokyo-3 with her when she escaped this world.
Add to this the fact that Martin, the mysterious man who had lead the assault on Unit 01's carrier craft, had escaped two days before and had still not been found, and it soon became clear why Shinji felt the need to be warmed by the presence of another.
He just wished there was some way it could have been Hikari.
He had given up on lying to himself… he wanted her – wanted her badly. He knew that she could not be his, but this did nothing to dull the longing he felt for her.
The ringing of Misato's cell phone interrupted his train of thought. "Get that, would you?" she asked, allowing herself one last moment in his arms, "It's on your side."
As he reached for the phone, Misato sighed. –Selfish… aren't you, Katsuragi?- She knew that she was… didn't even try to deny it. She also knew that had Shinji been older, she might have asked him to share more than just the bed. She flushed, cursing her own weakness, -Is it so wrong?- she thought angrily, -I just… need that… sometimes…- She flushed deeper as she recalled her repeated, frantic calls to Kaji's cell phone… hoping that he could provide the comfort her body craved.
With a small smile, Shinji answered the phone, "Katsuragi…" he said.
She smiled, imaging the look on the face of whoever had called. Her smile fell away as Shinji's eyes widened.
"Of course!!" he said emphatically, "Thank you, Doctor Akagi…"
"What is it?" Misato inquired as Shinji hung up the phone, his face still registering shock, "Did they find Martin? Is it another angel? WHAT??"
He looked at her, barely daring to breath, "Rei's alive…"
**
Hikari Horaki was doing her best to fight back tears. "Please don't say that…" she whispered desperately, "please?"
Touji Suzuhara was staring at her steadily, his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides, "I'm serious, Hikari…" he said firmly, "I don't want you to visit me anymore…"
"But why?" she asked, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, "I love-"
"DON'T!" he said furiously, "Don't say it again, I'm tired of hearing it!"
Her face crumpled. "I don't understand!" she wailed, trying to take his hand, "Why? Why can't you be with me?"
"I just…" he pulled his hand away angrily and folding his arms over his chest, "I just CAN'T, don't you understand!?"
"No, I don't!" she sobbed, hugging herself, "I don't know why you won't let me close to you… I don't know why you won't smile at me anymore, like you used to… I thought you liked me… I thought you WANTED to be close to me…"
As she put her face into her hands and cried, a look of infinite sadness passed over his face. He sighed quietly and hardened himself, "I don't," he whispered coldly, "I don't love you Hikari… and I won't – ever. Now please leave… it's late, and you've been here all night. Go home."
Wiping away her tears, she said quietly, "I'm going to come back…"
He sighed and waved a hand dismissively, "Do whatever you want… it's not like I can run away or anything…"
The disgust in his tone was more than the girl could bear, and she ran from the room.
As the door swung slowly closed, Touji sagged back into his bed. "I'm sorry…" he whispered to the empty room, "but this is the way it has to be…"
He wished with all of his heart that he could tell her how he felt… to let her know that he loved her to. But every time he looked down and saw the blanket curving down where it should have fallen over the outline of his leg… he knew that he could never love her and take care of her the way she deserved.
He closed his eyes, hoping that some how she would find a way to let go… and possibly even forgive him for the way he treated her.
**
Blindly, Hikari tore through the hospital, ignoring everyone and everything she passed.
-Why,- she thought desperately, -why can't he even let me be close to him? I don't even care if he loves me, I just need to be close to him… I need to protect him…-
In the recesses of her mind, a thought occurred and was quickly suppressed: perhaps she was the one that wanted to be protected. She shook her head, trying to erase that thought, -No!- she thought angrily, -I love him… it's not just because I--
Her thought was interrupted as she ran into something hard. She yelped in surprise, flailing her hands as a strong pair of arms came up, catching her before she could fall. Her breath was coming in long, ragged gasps, and she let herself be held, not trusting herself to stand on her own.
After a moment, a familiar voice asked quietly, "Are you ok… Hikari?"
Her eyes widened and she finally looked up to find Shinji studying her concernedly. "Shinji!" she gasped, "I was just… I…" words failed her as he smiled.
"Are you ok?" he repeated.
She nodded, "Yes, thank you…" she felt awkward and confused, feeling that she should step away… but not truly wanting to. –He's still holding me…- she thought, -feels nice…-
He smiled sadly, "I heard that you were leaving…" he said quietly, "I… I'm sorry that you have to go…"
He breath caught for a moment as she recalled the discussion of that afternoon.
"You what?" Kazuki said, staring in disbelief at his eldest daughter.
"I… I'm going to stay, papa…" Hikari replied, unable to meet his eyes.
"There's no city to stay in!" her father exclaimed, not truly angry… just confused. "My entire division is being transferred – we're lucky to even still have our apartment!"
"I know…" she said, finally looking at him, "but I can't leave Touji…" –Or Shinji…- she added mentally, flushing slightly. She was still conflicted, not knowing exactly what she felt for the blue-eyed pilot… but needing to find out.
"Will you still see Mister Ikari?" Kodama asked timidly, accepting without question her sister's decision.
Hikari's flush deepened, "I… don't know, honey…"
Her father nodded, "He is a good boy," he said firmly, "if you must stay, I will call him and-"
"No!" she exclaimed, "I… no… don't tell him, papa… please?"
Kazuki sighed, "Hikari… you have always been a strong girl… ever since your mother left us…" he looked away, "I believe you are strong enough to handle this… but please remember, being strong alone means nothing to anyone but you… being strong WITH someone means the world to both of you…"
"Papa, I-" he held up a hand, silencing her.
"Don't bother telling me you feel nothing for him," he said sternly, "I won't have that." She closed her mouth as he went on, "And don't tell me you don't see that he cares for you." He sighed and resumed packing his suitcase, "As your father, I'm asking you… please tell me you will not spend all of your time alone…"
"Yes, Papa…" she said softly, "I will do as you ask…"
He turned from his packing and pulled her into his arms, "Be careful, my little apple blossom… remember that I love you."
She smiled and hugged him tightly, aware that Kodama and Nozomi were also clinging to her, crying openly and begging her to come with them. "I will, papa… I will miss you…"
"I'm… not going…" she said quietly, "I've decided to stay… for Touji."
Her heart clenched as he blinked, seeming to remember suddenly what he was doing. He released her, taking a step back. "Of course…" he said softly.
"We should go," Misato said, making Hikari jump. She hadn't even noticed the woman was there, "Rei's waiting for us."
Shinji nodded, looking away from Hikari, "Yeah…" he said softly, "sorry…"
Misato looked from one child to the other, wondering if she should say something.
"Take care then," Shinji said, stepping around Hikari and starting off down the hall. As he walked, he looked back over his shoulder and added, "and if you need anything… call me…"
"Shinji!" she called, "I… I do need something…" she blushed as he stopped and waited expectantly, "I… need to talk to you… about Touji. Can you come by tomorrow afternoon?"
He blinked, "Umm… yeah, I can do that…" he said, sounding unsure.
"Thank you…" she said. –This has to stop…- she thought, -I can't keep going on like this… it's driving me crazy…-
He smiled, making her heart jump, "Any time, Hikari…"
She watched as he and Misato moved down the hallway. She was about to turn away when he looked at her one last time… and smiled once more.
As he disappeared around the corner, Hikari sighed shakily. "Now what…?" she whispered. The smile he had given her was the kind you generally only saw in movies… it was the smile of someone letting someone else go…
**
The following day, Shinji made his way to Hikari's apartment, frowning slightly.
The meeting with Rei had been… odd. She had looked almost surprised when he thanked her for saving him – as if she couldn't remember fighting the angel at all.
Misato had dismissed this as post-traumatic stress, but Shinji wasn't sure. The look in her eyes had been markedly… empty. He believed that, somehow, the memories of that battle, and of her sacrifice, were simply gone.
He sighed as he got into the elevator. "And she thinks she's the third?" he whispered, pushing the button, "Third what?"
When the elevator reached the top, Hikari was waiting for him. "Thanks for coming…" she said awkwardly, "I… didn't know if you would…"
He blinked, "Why wouldn't I?" he wondered, noting idly that she had taken her hair down from its braid, "You said it was about Touji… he's my friend, why wouldn't I come?"
Oddly, Hikari blushed. "Never mind…" she said hurriedly. She led him back to her apartment.
He frowned, thinking how empty it looked with only her belongings there.
She motioned for him to sit down on the couch and took a seat next to him, sitting sideways so she could look into his eyes when she spoke. After a brief hesitation, she said carefully, "Shinji, you know how I feel about Touji…"
He nodded, "Of course… you love him, don't you?"
She blushed, looking down at the floor, "Yes, I do… but…" –How do I tell him?- She thought anxiously, -WHAT can I tell him? I don't even know what I feel…-
He looked away, "You've known him a long time…" he said, a trace of sadness in his voice, -I need to tell her…- he thought, -I need to tell her that I can't stop thinking about her… even if she never wants to see me again, I have to say something…-
"I've known him since I was five," she said softly, fidgeting with the hem of her skirt, "and since I was seven I've wanted him to be my boyfriend…" Her body tensed, -Oh God, why am I telling him this?!?-
He began to turn towards her, "Well, I can understand that you-"
She leaned forward suddenly, cutting him off by pressing her lips to his.
His eyes widened… then slowly slid closed as she didn't break away. Carefully he reached out and put his hands on her shoulders, kissing her back gently.
After a moment, she broke away… but kept her face close to his, breathing heavily. "Sorry…" she said, "I… Shinji I…" she gave up on trying to explain herself and wrapped her arms around his neck, pushing him down onto the couch and kissing him with growing need and passion.
Shinji was taken off guard by her sudden movement, and barely had time to gasp as she lay full-length on top of him and kissed him heatedly. It was all he had hoped for and all he needed. He trembled as he put her arms around her back and pulled her tightly up against him, positioning them so he was flat on his back and she was on top of him, her legs on either side of his stomach.
She pulled back, eyes closed, and whispered softly, "I've thought about you, Shinji…" her eyes opened and met his, "so much. I want you to be mine…"
His eyes widened, "I… Hikari," he couldn't meet her eyes anymore, "I want that more than anything in the world… but what about Touji?"
A tear slipped down from each eye, "He… he doesn't want me, Shinji…" she said softly, kissing him lightly, "you do."
He felt hurt by her words, "So…" he said softly, taking his arms off of her and trying to slide out from under her, "I'm just a convenient-"
She cut him off, grasping his hands and pulling them up over his head, "No!" she whispered fiercely as she pinned him down, her face inches from his, "I want you… you're not a spare, or backup, Shinji… I want you to be mine because that's what I want." She kissed him very slowly, "Please say yes…" she whispered, "please?"
He swallowed, "Hikari…" he said, struggling to find the right words… and finally giving up, "I… yes." Surprising her, he twisted out of her grasp and put his arms around her again, pulling her down and kissing her hard.
All of the frustration and fear of the past few weeks fueled their desire… and soon they were lost in each other's touch. Hikari moaned quietly between kisses as Shinji's hand slid under her blouse, carefully running along the bottom edge of her bra… then coming up.
"Shinji…" she gasped, "I don't think… mmmm…" her thought trailed off as his gentle caress began to affect her.
"Should I stop?" he asked, his voice low with need.
Her eyes met his, finding them hypnotic. "Not yet…" she whispered, kissing him softly and laying a hand over his, "but I… I don't want to… I mean, I think it's too soon to…"
She flushed deeply, "I understand," he whispered, "tell me when I should stop, and I will…"
She nodded and closed her eyes as his hand left her… and moved to the buttons on the front of her blouse. She bit her bottom lip as he unfastened them and drew the garment carefully off of her shoulders.
As his hands moved tentatively to her bra clasp, she stopped him, "Not yet… ok?" she said softly, opening her eyes, "I don't want to go too fast…"
He smiled reassuringly, "I understand…" he said, then gently pulled his hand away and laid it on her breast, "is this ok?"
She nodded again and unbuttoned his shirt slowly, looking into his eyes, "Is this?" she said softly.
He smiled, "Yes… is this?" he asked as slowly pulled her body against his.
"Yes…" she murmured. A soft sigh escaped her as her stomach pressed against his and her bra touched his chest. Her lips sought out his mouth and pushed firmly against it. Questioningly she ran her tongue over his lips.
He inhaled sharply, his eyes widening again at her boldness… then his mouth opened to let her in and it was all he could do to remember to breathe.
They kissed deeply for nearly an hour, their hands exploring one another haltingly… not wanting to spoil it by rushing. Finally, Hikari said softly, "Stay the night with me, Shinji…"
His face must have betrayed the shock he felt, because she flushed a brilliant shade of red, and hurried on, "No… not, not like THAT!" she said quickly, "I…" she stammered, trying to find the right words… but nothing would come.
He smiled softly at her, "Do you want me to sleep in your bed, or on the couch?" he asked quietly.
Her blush intensified, "I… with me… please…" she said, her voice hardly audible.
He nodded and sat up, still holding her, "I would like that…" he said, kissing her again.
She pulled his shirt the rest of the way off of him and began running her hands over his back. "Oh!" she exclaimed as her hand ran across something hard sitting against the small of his back. She slowly explored it, feeling body-warmed steel.
He frowned, "I'm sorry…" he whispered, "I shouldn't have brmplh-"
He was cut off as she began kissing him frantically, one hand still resting on the gun and one slipping up to unclasp her bra. "Touch me…" she gasped, running her tongue over his lips, "touch me now!"
Stunned at the sudden change, Shinji complied, his eyes widening as she moaned against him. She began whispering to him between kisses, tears beginning to run down her face, "Protect me, Shinji… please… defend me… make me yours and watch over me… please… please…" Finally she broke away and got unsteadily off the couch.
She stood in front of him, shivering. Her hair was in disarray, and a deep flush ran from her abdomen to high on her cheeks. "Shinji…" she said brokenly, ignoring the tears on her face, "will you… teach me how to protect myself?"
He stood up slowly, entirely confused by the strange turn the evening had taken but wanting to help. He reached back and drew the gun, watching her eyes widen and focus on it as if hypnotized. He drew the clip out and pulled the slide back, catching the bullet that had been in the chamber as it flew upwards. He turned the gun over and offered it to her, handle first.
She took it almost reverently, holding it in both hands. She let out a low sigh as its full weight settled into her grasp. "Shinji?" she whispered, "Will you show me the right way to hold it?"
He slowly walked over and stood behind her, terribly aware of her bare skin (though she was so caught up in the firearm that she barely noticed), he put his arms around her, resting his hands over hers.
She closed her eyes and turned her head, finding his lips with hers. She moaned quietly as she kissed him, shaking slightly. "Shinji…" she sighed, "I need you…"
He shivered at the raw, uncensored desire in her voice… shocked that she was coming on so strong. His shivers intensified as she turned fully towards him, pulling his hands away and wrapping her arms around him.
She kissed him deeply, generating small, desperate sounds deep in the back of her throat.
"Hikari…" he gasped and her hands slid down to unfasten his pants, "I don't think that we shou-"
"Don't…" she begged, "don't tell me no… please…" her voice shook, "let me be in control… just once, that's all I ask… just one time…" She let his pants fall to the floor and took his hand, pulling him to her room. Once inside, she pushed him back onto the bed and took off her skirt, then carefully lay down on top of him.
He closed his eyes as she settled down on him, feeling every part of her except the area still covered by her panties touching him. She carefully laid the gun on the bedside table, keeping it in sight, and resumed kissing him.
Tentatively, Shinji slid a hand between them and touched her breast, his mind whirling at the swiftness of the change in her, -She's so unlike her usual self…- he thought, not sure if this was good or bad, -so desperate… so scared…-
She moaned at his touch and kissed him harder, "Shinji…" she gasped, "touch me… here…" She took his hand from her breast and guided it down to where she wanted it to be, moaning loudly as he made contact with the thin fabric covering her skin.
Shinji's mouth was dry, -Too fast…- his mind screamed, -this is way too fast…-
Hikari felt herself soaring higher as his touch combined with her confused feelings of what comprised safety… and what it meant to love. Her breath fled as she quickly reached the pinnacle. Unable to cry out, she merely shivered and let out a small whimper.
Shinji watched her climax with a slightly sad look on his face, -This is wrong…- he thought, -it's right to be with her… but not like this…- his eyes slid over to where the gun was sitting, -not because of that…-
As she came back down, ecstasy and euphoria were replaced by guilt and shame. She gently pulled his fingers away from where she had them pressed up against her and lay down at his side, resting her head on his chest. "I'm sorry…" she whispered, clenching her eyes closed.
Quietly she began to cry. Nothing in her experience could have prepared her for what she felt at that moment. She had lost control… she had allowed her fears and insecurities to control her. Her one hope was that he wasn't so disgusted by her base behavior that he left.
He carefully put his arms around her and pulled her to him, "I understand…" he said softly, his eyes still on the firearm on the nightstand. He stroked her hair softly as he considered what to do next. He knew that if he left it would all end right there… too much was still left unsaid and undone for him to just leave without talking to her, but he didn't know where to begin. The way she had responded to the gun whispered of a deep-seated problem that he didn't know if he was able to help her fix.
Gently, he reached over and picked up the gun… then let it fall to the floor with a clatter. She flinched slightly, but did not raise her head. "Hikari…" he said softly, "look at me." Reluctantly, she tilted her head up, her eyes flitting everywhere but his. He put a hand on each side of her face and leaned down, kissing her lips tenderly.
She let out a soft moan, somewhere between misery and relief, and closed her eyes. "Don't… leave…" she said desperately, unable to look at him, "please don't…"
Shinji said nothing. Slowly, he reached down and took hold of her arms, pulling her up until she was once again resting on top of him. "I don't want to leave, Hikari…" he said softly as her eyes opened in shock, "I want to stay with you here tonight…" He frowned a bit, "but I want you to be here with ME… not THAT…" his eyes shot to the gun, still visible on the floor, "ok?"
She nodded slowly, "It was never about IT…" she said quietly, "I…" she struggled for words, "I just want to feel safe…"
He nodded and kissed her, slowly running a hand down her back, "Ok…" he whispered, "but let me be the one to protect you…" He pulled her tightly up against him and kissed her again.
She nodded… then reached down and began to draw her panties down. His hand on hers stopped her. "I…" she flushed, "I thought you… you would want to… I mean…"
He smiled, "I do, Hikari, I do… more than anything…" he reached up and ran his hand over her cheek, "I just don't think it's the right time…" he paused, "do you?"
She stared at him in silence for a moment, and he knew what her answer would be. Of course it was too soon – anyone could see that. He was content to wait for her though.
"Yes," she said slowly, "I do… I think now is as right as it will ever be, and I don't want to wait." She shook her head as he began to stammer a shocked protest, "Don't try and tell me that we haven't known each other long enough… or that we're too young…" her voice dropped down low, "I've killed a man, Shinji… I think I have the right to decide when to give my virginity… and who I want to give it to."
His mind railed against her faulty logic… and struggled to reconcile his own desire to claim her in that way. "What if I'm not ready to take it?" he asked softly, "You said earlier that it was too soo-"
"I know…" she said quietly, interrupting him, "but now I think-"
"No," he said flatly, "I won't do it."
She looked as if he slapped her, "You… I thought you wanted me…" she whispered, tears beginning to form in her eyes, "I thought you cared for me."
He sighed, "Hikari," he said softly, "I do care for you… and you know that I do," he shook his head, "but you know just as well as I do that it's not the right time for this yet. I want to be with you – so bad that it hurts… but I don't want us to regret it later. Can you understand that?"
For a long moment she said nothing… then she nodded reluctantly, "Yes…" she admitted, "I just wanted… to give you something special…"
Slowly, he slid a hand up and rested it over her chest, smiling softly, "You have…" he whispered.
She returned the smile, "You sound so corny…" she said with a giggle, feeling the tension inside of her burst and leave in a rush, "now you're going to tell me that I'm the only one for you and that you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, right?"
He wasn't smiling, "Something like that…" he said seriously.
Her smile faded into a gentler, more genuine one, "Thank you…" she said, putting a hand on his cheek, "for understanding…" She moved to slide off of him.
He reached down and grabbed her hips, stopping her and pulling her back up. He smiled broadly at her look of confusion, "Hey," he said lightly, "just because I said we shouldn't do THAT doesn't mean I don't want to do the other stuff!"
She blinked in surprise and then issued a small, happy laugh, "Well," she said, snuggling down against his chest and kissing him softly, "who am I to say no to that?"
They spent several more hours exchanging kisses and becoming familiar with each other's bodies… preparing for the day when they would both be ready to take that next step. They fell asleep shortly after midnight, wrapped snugly in her thick blankets and holding one another tightly.
In the wee hours of the morning, Shinji awoke with a start, shaking off the bad dream he had had and breathing raggedly. He stared straight ahead as Hikari's head pressed against his back and her arms came around him from behind. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath… then turned and embraced her, pulling her against him with a gentle but undeniable need.
That night… at twenty-six minutes past four in the morning… Shinji Ikari and Hikari Horaki quietly left the relationship called boyfriend and girlfriend behind almost as soon as it had been formed… and gladly stepped into the one that defined them as lovers…
**
Misato frowned as she looked around the control room, -Where is he?- she thought angrily, -I swear that man is never around when I need to see him!- Not that she was exactly keen on seeing Commander Ikari, but there were papers and orders that only he could sign and give… and he had been oddly absent for three days.
"Has anyone seen the Commander?" she asked the room at large, "Anyone at all?"
Makoto and Aoba turned from their desks and looked up at the dais, "You know?" Aoba said thoughtfully, "He's so quiet I didn't even know he was gone…"
Makoto laughed, "I knew he was… I couldn't feel his eyes boring into the back of my head." He blushed at Misato's disapproving frown, remembering that he WAS talking about NERV's commander in chief. "I mean," he said, staring at the floor, "I haven't seen him either… Ma'am…"
Misato growled in frustration, "Damn! Not even Fuyutsuki knows where he is!"
"Commander Ikari is out for a few days," Maya chimed in, coming onto the bridge, "he left day before yesterday."
"What?!" Misato burst out, rounding on the brown-haired tech, "Why didn't he tell anyone?!"
Maya took a step back, averting her eyes, "I… don't know, Major...." she said awkwardly, "he didn't say."
Misato felt foolish for being hard on the poor woman – it wasn't her fault, she was just the messenger. –Something's… wrong,- she thought as the lower-level tech fidgeted, "Why were you given the message?" she said suspiciously, -Fuyutsuki should have known at least…-
"I…" Maya licked her lips, "I was the only one on the command deck. He got a call, said he would be gone a few days, and left… I'm… I'm sorry I didn't get more information, Major…" she bowed her head.
Misato flushed, -Why am I grilling her?- she thought, -She doesn't know anything…- "I'm… sorry, Maya… I've just been edgy lately." She noticed that the girl had a bandage around her hand, -Great,- she thought disgustedly, -she gets hurt AND berated by me all in the same day… some piece of work I am…-
"No…" the young tech said miserably, "you're right, that was stupid… I should have asked at least when he would be back… I'm sorry."
"Forget about it…" Misato said, walking for the door, "if he calls in, I want to know about it right away."
"Yes ma'am…" Maya said quietly with her head still down as the director of operations walked out.
**
Kaji Ryouji took a deep breath and stole another glance at his watch. He sighed, "Only an hour so far…" he mumbled, "better than Misato's average, anyway…" he smiled as he thought of the purple-haired woman. "Soon," he whispered to himself, "I'll ask her soon…"
He knew that things were coming to a head, he didn't need Martin's miraculous escape or the fifteenth and sixteen angels' attacks to tell him that – all of his senses warned him that something was coming… a storm unlike anything mankind had ever faced before. He just hoped that the ones he loved would survive it.
"Lord knows I probably won't…" he whispered. He closed his eyes, thinking of his last meeting with Martin before the man had disappeared…
"Wake up…" A voice commanded loudly, "I need to talk to you…"
Martin smiled, "I'm up, old friend…"
Kaji frowned, "We're not friends," he said coolly, "and I need some information…"
Martin sighed, and opened his eyes, sitting up on his cot. "How may I be of service, secret agent man?"
Kaji sighed, "I want to know what you know about the SEELE you said was in NERV."
Martin stood up and stretched, "I've already told you all I know…" he said, "the information on Unit 01 was given by someone with access to secure information."
"How do you know it's a SEELE member then?" Kaji countered, "Just because the information was delivered by one of them doesn't mean they got it themselves."
Martin smiled, "Do you remember Nakamoto's training?"
In spite of himself, Kaji smiled, "Yeah…" he replied, "he spent six hours mumbling incoherently before finally just saying, 'Man is a prideful creature… this will always lead him to fall. No matter how secret an action is SUPPOSED to be, the keeper of the secret WANTS to tell… he wants to let the world know how clever he is. This, my students, you must remember and watch for. If someone is hiding something… just talk to him. Eventually, he will tell you of his own accord…'"
Martin nodded and commented dryly, "You took notes."
"I was always a good student," Kaji grinned, "now what does this have to do with anything?"
Martin sighed, "And you think you're a good student…" he shook his head, "fine, I'll spell it out for you. It wasn't the data itself, it was the way the data was delivered… the things that were said."
"Like?" Kaji prodded.
"Well," Martin said, dropping his voice, "for one thing, I'm sure it's a man… no woman I know is this prideful. The way he said, 'I'VE acquired information that will help in your task…' spoke of pride in his task… as if he himself gathered the data."
"Pretty flimsy," Kaji said doubtfully, "maybe he's just pleased with his mole."
Martin shook his head, smiling, "No, my friend… there's more." He leaned against the bars, "He also said, 'This information is very dearly gotten… *I* risked much to acquire it, so do not squander it.'" He met Kaji's eyes, "He is here… and he is high up."
Kaji nodded thoughtfully, "Perhaps…" He studied his former friend closely, looking for any trace of falsehood or deception on his face.
He found none.
"Watch out for those Children…" Martin said suddenly, "there are only two angels left… and after that…" he let the thought trail off.
"Yes," Kaji said softly, "I know… a tool with no further use is quickly discarded…"
They lapsed into silence for a moment, then Kaji shook himself and said quietly, "If you're mistaken…"
"I know…" Martin replied with a grin, "and you know that I've never lied to you."
"Yeah, well… we'll see…" Kaji replied, feeling suddenly ashamed. –Has he ever lied?- he thought, -Really… aside of that one mission that went wrong – and I don't even know if he lied about that…-
Martin cut into his train of thought, "Is that all you needed, old friend? I'm tired… got more torture to endure tomorrow, you know…"
Kaji smiled, "You know it's 'questioning' these days…" he said, "and I doubt you've been hurt… too badly."
Martin returned the smile, "No, not yet…" he conceded, "though it's not from lack of trying… what my 'questioners' lack in skill, they make up for in enthusiasm."
Kaji sighed, "Yes, well… I apologize for that…" He blinked, confused as to why he should be saying he was sorry to a man who had nearly killed Shinji and Misato – two people he was very close to.
Martin turned away and returned to his bed, "Not your fault," he said with a grin, "I know you'd rather just shoot me."
Kaji wasn't so sure anymore. –Wouldn't I have done the same in his place?- he thought. Sighing he said, "I hope the questions aren't too bad tomorrow… old friend…" Before the other man could reply, he stepped out of the room.
"Well…" Martin said, looking at the place where Kaji had stood, "it's not a day in the park, but I still have my orders."
He frowned, remembering the final set of instructions from the SEELE monolith designated Six: 'If you are captured… do not attempt to escape. Provisions will be made for your… extraction.'
He wondered suddenly why he had ever trusted and obeyed that detached voice. The pause before the word extraction whispered loudly that it was a promise of death.
He sat up, looking around his small cell intently. "No…" he whispered, "oh fuck…"
The minute spy camera on the far wall picked up and dutifully recorded Martin's scowl as he stared directly into it.
It then recorded him extracting a false tooth and pressing it into the lock on his cell… then stepping back, picking up the chair in the cell, and swinging it as hard as he could, triggering the small explosive device hidden inside the tooth.
The very last thing the camera recorded was a heavy boot pressing against it… then static.
The sound of the door opening brought Kaji back to the present. He looked up, breaking into a smile, "Hey…" he said teasingly, "you're late…"
A single gunshot was his only reply.
**
Red eyes glowed in the light of the setting sun, looking out over the newly formed lake.
"Such drastic measures…" the boy whispered, shaking his head, "was it worth it, Lillim?"
Kaworu Nagisa, the Fifth Child sighed. –This is not what was written…- he thought, -in spite of Arael's assault, the Second has not fallen from grace… the Third is nowhere close to being broken… and the First… the First has found purpose…-
He frowned. No, this was not at all how it was supposed to be… hence the reason for his early arrival.
The call had come in three days before, and he had been packed off to Tokyo-3, arriving in the dead of night and being secreted away in the home of none other than SEELE member six.
His frown deepened further into a downright scowl. –It is a sign of how close things have gotten to the promised day that one of THEM allows their face to be seen…- He grimaced in distaste… he disliked that one. There was an air of craftiness and stealth that pervaded the house, making him uneasy.
"I suppose it is as it must be…" he sighed, thinking that the other SEELE members must be very envious of this one's position.
He had much work ahead of him, that he knew. He would not be able to get close to the Ikari boy as was initially planned… his heart was now taken, largely thanks to the failed attempt to capture the purple beast and his subsequent hardening. It would have been fine had the boy died… that would have left a clear path for Kaworu's arrival. Now he would have to be delivered as a backup, rather than an indispensable component.
This did not please him.
"Didn't your mother tell you that your face will freeze like that?" a soft voice whispered at his side.
"You know full well I have no mother, SEELE…" he replied curtly without turning, "I was raised around your minions."
"And as a result," the voice replied, "you were given all the tools necessary to survive and flourish in a world that hates everything you stand for…"
"Tools…" Kaworu echoed, "skills of deception… lessons in coercion… methods of inflicting pain on your kind…" he closed his eyes, disgusted, "an education in death…"
"Don't be ungrateful…" the voice retorted, "without us, NERV would have captured and experimented on you… trying to enforce their own twisted view of what the Unification should be."
The gray-haired boy sighed, opening his eyes. He kept his silence, refusing to rise to the bait. He had often wondered if he would have been better off with NERV – after all, as damaged as the other Children were, they still knew what it meant to be touched by another person. His 'caretakers' had refused to touch him unless they were wearing gloves. He had never known another's touch.
Idly he wondered what it would be like. –Perhaps…- he turned to ask his guardian if it might be possible to be granted that small favor… but found only empty space.
"Of course…" he said quietly. He frowned and thrust his hands into his pockets, starting off for the place that was his residence (he refused to call it 'home'). As he walked, he became more determined that – before his destiny was fulfilled – he would know what it meant to have human contact… and what it was to have a friend.
To be concluded…
Author's notes: Couple things… First – sorry this chapter took so long, it's taking me a while to get a solid grasp on the characters for some reason (especially the sub-characters). Second – several people have pointed out that one of Hikari's sisters (Kodama, I believe) is, in fact, older… so I had to decide if I wanted to correct that, ignore it, or just acknowledge it and keep it as it stands. I chose to acknowledge it – and here I am ;). Third – I know that in the show Kaji is… removed much sooner, but I figured that the attack on Unit 01 and his link to Martin would keep him around a bit longer. Fourth – I also had to fight with whether or not to have Shinji and Hikari sleep together… it was a very tough call to make. Why did I decide to have it happen? Well, ultimately I felt it fit the overall tone of the story… and it just made sense to me that they would seek that kind of comfort in one another… ((shrug))
Big pre-read thanks goes out to Ryoma on this one for pointing out some nasty grammar errors and an inconsistent scene. Thanks man. Also thanks to Lord Deathscythe and 20Eva for pre-reading and catching some other mistakes. You all rule.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com