(Soda)
"Want me to stay with you tonight?" I asked softly as Pony sat on the edge of our bed. His eyes were bright red, redder than I'd seen them in a long time, but he'd really let himself go in the doctor's office. I'd held him and Darry'd rubbed his back, but there was nothing we could say. This was worse than the night we'd found out he was sick, because at least then there was some kind of hope.
Pony nodded weakly. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep though," he murmured.
"So we'll talk."
My brother's hands began shaking. I just put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. Darry came in with a glass of water and a clean pair of sweatpants for him to sleep in.
"You wanna eat something?" he asked awkwardly. Everything felt awkward: walking to the parking lot, the long ride home, coming into the house. What do you say to a kid who just found out how sick he really is? We're supposed to go on like everything's normal, but nothing's the same. There's no hope of anything ever being the same.
"I still feel sick," Pony whispered, kicking his shoes off. Darry nodded, thrusting his fists in his pockets.
"I'll stay home tomorrow," he said slowly, but my younger brother shook his head. "I'll be okay, Dar. We can't afford a day off."
"Don't worry about that stuff, kid..."
"Well, I do, 'cause you're gonna be in trouble because of me." He sighed heavily, his eyes filling again.
"Don't talk like that," I snapped, squeezing his shoulder. Pony just lay down without changing or taking his hat off.
"I just wanna sleep," he said suddenly, completely contradicting what he'd said a few minutes ago. Darry and I exchanged a glance. My older brother looked miserable. I felt my heart dropping farther. Poor Darry. He'd tried so hard. Just when him and Pony were finally getting along this thing had hit, and now there was no chance for the three of us to become a normal family again.
"All right," Darry said softly, frowning as he watched Ponyboy curl up on the bed. He glanced at me and I nodded ever so slightly; I knew he wanted me to open him up. But I didn't know exactly how to do that: I didn't know if Pony really knew what he was feeling.
I stayed perched beside my younger brother, even after Darry had left and shut the door. I reached and began giving him a back-rub, starting hard at first to work the tension out of his shoulders, then gradually growing lighter.
"You tryin' to put me to sleep?" Pony murmured.
"Yup."
He smiled; faintly, so faint I barely caught it. But that was some kind of sign, probably a good one, which is what I really wanted to see.
I pulled off my shoes and socks and changed into sweats. Pony didn't move.
"Should I turn the light off?" I asked.
"It doesn't matter," he mumbled, his voice strained. I flicked the light off but opened the slits on the blinds so the room was lighter than usual. Pony didn't say a word as I slid beside him under the covers, or when I tossed an arm around him, or when I asked him if he was all right. I was almost asleep before he spoke at all.
"Soda?"
"Yeah?"
Silence. Then: "I'm scared."
"I know, kid. We are too. But we're gonna be here through all this, okay? Huh?"
He nodded slowly. We lay in silence again, until Pony took a deep breath and burst into a fit of coughing. I grabbed a handful of tissues and held them over his mouth. The blood was darker than before, thicker. I tried not to think about it as I hurled the clump into the trashcan.
"Soda, I can't do this," Pony suddenly burst into tears. "I'm so scared."
"Listen," I murmured, my arm back around him. "Just concentrate on now, okay? It's the future that's scary. So take it on day at a time. You're safe now. You're okay. Just relax and don't think about it anymore tonight."
"But I don't wanna leave!" he wailed, nearly screaming, "I'm going to have to go alone and I don't know what's gonna happen to me..."
"Stop," I ordered, hugging him tight. "Please stop, kiddo. No more tonight, okay? You're safe. You're with me."
Pony sniffed and gradually stopped crying, his head resting against my chest. I talked; I don't even know what I said. I just droned on in a low voice, calming him down, putting him out, once again amazed at how easily I could.
I'll get you through this, I thought as he closed his eyes.
I'm with you to the end.
"Want me to stay with you tonight?" I asked softly as Pony sat on the edge of our bed. His eyes were bright red, redder than I'd seen them in a long time, but he'd really let himself go in the doctor's office. I'd held him and Darry'd rubbed his back, but there was nothing we could say. This was worse than the night we'd found out he was sick, because at least then there was some kind of hope.
Pony nodded weakly. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep though," he murmured.
"So we'll talk."
My brother's hands began shaking. I just put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. Darry came in with a glass of water and a clean pair of sweatpants for him to sleep in.
"You wanna eat something?" he asked awkwardly. Everything felt awkward: walking to the parking lot, the long ride home, coming into the house. What do you say to a kid who just found out how sick he really is? We're supposed to go on like everything's normal, but nothing's the same. There's no hope of anything ever being the same.
"I still feel sick," Pony whispered, kicking his shoes off. Darry nodded, thrusting his fists in his pockets.
"I'll stay home tomorrow," he said slowly, but my younger brother shook his head. "I'll be okay, Dar. We can't afford a day off."
"Don't worry about that stuff, kid..."
"Well, I do, 'cause you're gonna be in trouble because of me." He sighed heavily, his eyes filling again.
"Don't talk like that," I snapped, squeezing his shoulder. Pony just lay down without changing or taking his hat off.
"I just wanna sleep," he said suddenly, completely contradicting what he'd said a few minutes ago. Darry and I exchanged a glance. My older brother looked miserable. I felt my heart dropping farther. Poor Darry. He'd tried so hard. Just when him and Pony were finally getting along this thing had hit, and now there was no chance for the three of us to become a normal family again.
"All right," Darry said softly, frowning as he watched Ponyboy curl up on the bed. He glanced at me and I nodded ever so slightly; I knew he wanted me to open him up. But I didn't know exactly how to do that: I didn't know if Pony really knew what he was feeling.
I stayed perched beside my younger brother, even after Darry had left and shut the door. I reached and began giving him a back-rub, starting hard at first to work the tension out of his shoulders, then gradually growing lighter.
"You tryin' to put me to sleep?" Pony murmured.
"Yup."
He smiled; faintly, so faint I barely caught it. But that was some kind of sign, probably a good one, which is what I really wanted to see.
I pulled off my shoes and socks and changed into sweats. Pony didn't move.
"Should I turn the light off?" I asked.
"It doesn't matter," he mumbled, his voice strained. I flicked the light off but opened the slits on the blinds so the room was lighter than usual. Pony didn't say a word as I slid beside him under the covers, or when I tossed an arm around him, or when I asked him if he was all right. I was almost asleep before he spoke at all.
"Soda?"
"Yeah?"
Silence. Then: "I'm scared."
"I know, kid. We are too. But we're gonna be here through all this, okay? Huh?"
He nodded slowly. We lay in silence again, until Pony took a deep breath and burst into a fit of coughing. I grabbed a handful of tissues and held them over his mouth. The blood was darker than before, thicker. I tried not to think about it as I hurled the clump into the trashcan.
"Soda, I can't do this," Pony suddenly burst into tears. "I'm so scared."
"Listen," I murmured, my arm back around him. "Just concentrate on now, okay? It's the future that's scary. So take it on day at a time. You're safe now. You're okay. Just relax and don't think about it anymore tonight."
"But I don't wanna leave!" he wailed, nearly screaming, "I'm going to have to go alone and I don't know what's gonna happen to me..."
"Stop," I ordered, hugging him tight. "Please stop, kiddo. No more tonight, okay? You're safe. You're with me."
Pony sniffed and gradually stopped crying, his head resting against my chest. I talked; I don't even know what I said. I just droned on in a low voice, calming him down, putting him out, once again amazed at how easily I could.
I'll get you through this, I thought as he closed his eyes.
I'm with you to the end.