This is something I literally just wrote. I know the punctuation is prob all m essed up and I apoligize, I really do know good grammar rules, but I'm in a hurry cause I have to be up at 8 tomm and it's almost 2 am now(so I need to get to bed) anyhow this is nothing amazing--but read and enjoy anyways!!

oh yeah I dont own the show or any of the characters or actors, although I'll take Josh and or Pacey if no one else wants um :)

~Beth~


I remember when I was a little girl, I'd dress up in my moms clothes and pretend to be grown up. I"d dream of going on dates, of wearing makeup and life seemed so simple. I thought I'd magically fall in love and everything would come perfectly together.
Then I got older, boys stopped being annoying cootie carriers and became confusing beings that filled my mind with complex thoughts.
I didn't understand them, I didn think I ever would. I'd watch older teenage girls with their boyfriends and wonder if I'd ever have that. I resigned myself to the fact that no boy would ever love me that way.
Why should they? I was too tall, I was the convicts daughter the poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks. So I threw myself into school it was all I had. See when you're told over and over that your too worthless, too trashy and not good enough you start to belive it. I knew in my heart I wanted to be more, to be somebody and do something with my life and the only way I knew how, was by going to college—and getting out of Capeside.
I guess that's what attracted me to him. We were never close to begin with—no, that's not completely true. As youngkids it was the three of us. Me, Pacey and Dawson. But by the time we were in Jr high it was either me and Dawson or Pacey and Dawson. Dawson was well, he was one of my best friends—my confidante. Pacey was just the boy I was forced to sometimes hang out with. He teased me all the time and made it seem like it was hell on earth to be stuck hanging out with me, course I felt the same about h im. He annoyed me so much.
Then it all changed. I fell for Dawson, or I thought I did, now looking back I don't know what it was. Yes I cared for him and it seemed natural we'd date, he was one of my closest friends after all but I know now I didn really love him. Pacey though-him I loved.
Yeah the boy I used to hate, the very bane of my existence ended up being the one I loved. I 'm not even sure how it happened it's like one day we were fighting as usual and the next we were kissing. When he was near me this jolt of electricity would surge through my body, I know that sounds cliché but it's the truth.
He made me feel so special, so beautiful, there's no way to put it except to say he made me feel complete.
I should have known it was too good to be true. We shared so much that year, our first true love, long talks, boat rides, friendship and I gave him something that no one else had ever had or would ever get—and then I had to go mess it up. When Dawson asked us about our night together I denied it. I don't know why, why couldn't I just admit that yes I'd slept with Pacey, I Loved him after all but I couldn't say that to Dawson.
I did it because I didn't want to hurt him, no I had no feelings for him and we were no longer together but the thought of hurting him was too much for me. People have always said I hav a good heart but I know now, that's not always a good thing, not if it makes you hide the truth and hurt the one you really love.
Pacey hurt me so much when he broke up with me that night at Senior prom, more than I could ever put into words, but I still loved him. I still wanted to be his everything like he was to me. So that's where I am now. Wanting him, needing him, hoping for him but knowing it may never be. I know I need to find myself I need to grow up and find my way in the world, but I don't want to do it without him.
So if he ever sails my way again, you can bet I'll climb on board.