I can remember a time when I loved the silence. Standing on the penthouse balcony, looking out into the city, it was once a favorite way to pass time. You can see the whole city from here… even out to the cliff road and the lake. I finally began to understand why Sonny bought this building. You could see everything, but it was always from a place high above everyone else. You were a part of their lives, but not so much that you were a part of them. If that made any sense at all.

I thought I felt you touch my cheek this morning
But I must'a been dreamin'
And in the middle of the night without a warning
I thought I heard you breathin'
Me and my so-called independence
I've got this loneliness that's so relentless

And now… the one life I want to be a part of, it doesn't seem possible anymore. It had been four days, seven hours, and twelve minutes since Elizabeth had walked out my door. Since she'd looked at me, unshed tears in her eyes, pleading with me to just talk to her. To tell her what she needed to know. I know she knew she shouldn't ask the questions she was asking. I knew she knew I couldn't answer those questions. But maybe my silence gave her even more reasons to leave. I tried to reason that I was better off with out her. My loyalty to Sonny remained in tact, even as the rest of me fell away.

But the thing was – when all of this was over, when Alcazar was taken care of, Sonny would be going home to Carly. He would return to the city that loved him… or the city that loved to hate him. Whatever. He would have been able to make peace with himself about Brenda's death. Sonny would have all that; and I'd have an empty penthouse for my troubles.

Zander had left too. As soon as he realized I'd let Elizabeth leave, he was gone. Now my once full-of-life penthouse was dead again. Just like me.

~*~


Sometimes I think she knows I'm there. Even though there's no real way to hide myself at Kelly's, and I know that she sees me, even if she doesn't acknowledge me… But part of me wonders if she thinks I'm there to see her, or Courtney. I'll never forget the look on her face when she asked me if I had watched Courtney strip. Or when she asked if there was lipstick on my neck. And that wasn't even from Courtney. No, that was a bigger, more damaging secret that would probably distance her even further.

I remember a time when Elizabeth would light up when I walked into Kelly's. Now… now she darts immediately for the kitchen and I don't see her again for the remainder of my visit. But today, I'm just dropping by for coffee. Sonny wants to see me – for the first time in days. I imagine he's going to ask where I've been. And I'm really tempted to lie.

I guess you get used to somebody
Kind of like havin' them around
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy
Bring you up when you're feeling down
I never dreamed when I was letting you go
That I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody
I guess you get used to bein' loved

I wanted to smile when Courtney looked up and smiled at me. It was good to see her. I'd seen her just a few days ago, after Elizabeth left, and she told me she'd talked to AJ and things seemed okay. But she also told me that AJ's boss had been harassing her about stripping, and AJ had just sat there and not said anything. She said she knew it was because he didn't want to lose his job. But it was the principle of thing…and I understood that.

"Coffee?" she asked.

I nodded mutely. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Elizabeth grab a pan of dishes and head towards the back. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to stop before I turned back to Courtney.

"Still not speaking?" she pried.

"She doesn't want to see me, or talk to me, or take my help at all."

"Well," she sighed, "That makes two of us. She won't speak to me at all. It's like she's turned into this frozen block of concrete."

I couldn't help but be taken back to another time when I'd heard that phrase used. It seemed that everything in my life was coming back to Elizabeth these days. "I don't know what to do," I admitted. I took a sip of the coffee and didn't even flinch when it burned the roof of my mouth. "Elizabeth knows that there are things I can't tell her. And the thing is… I think she gets that. But this… this was personal. She thought I was going behind her back and seeing you. It's the same thing Lucky did to her… and well, I might as well be guilty. There were so many times I could have told her, but I didn't."

"Why do I get the feeling we aren't talking about me and you anymore?"

Not wanting to answer her question, I stood. "I have somewhere to be." I tossed a ten on the counter top and turned to go. "Thanks for the coffee."

"No problem."

~*~


When I got to the safe house, I knew I was late but I checked on Brenda anyway. I'd never admit it to anyone, but I was glad she was alive. I hated that she was living with a terminal illness, but I was glad she was alive nonetheless. And I hated to think of how hurt she was going to be when she found out Sonny was really alive…and had been listening to her the entire time.

Brenda looked up from her notebook and smiled. It was the most beautiful smile I'd seen from her yet. Sonny had once told me that when she smiled at him, she melted the ice around his heart. I could finally understand why. "Hey stranger."

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, that guy Max has been checking up on me, bringing me food, you know the deal. And Benny even came back to see me. He's not even mad."

I could tell that today was definitely a good day for her. I hadn't seen her this happy since she'd been here. "So you've been okay?" I inquired.

"Yeah… what about you?"

"I've been dealing with some personal things… that's why I haven't been here."

"Jason, you don't have to explain yourself to me. You know that."

I nodded, knowing that she was right. And when had I ever explained myself to anyone? "Okay… well, I have to go." I stopped at the door, and turned back to her. "If you need something, let Max know. He'll find me, and tell me, okay? I'll get it for you."

"Thanks Jason. You don't have to do this."

"I'm just doing what Sonny would have wanted."

Even from my place by the door, I could see her eyes cloud up at the memory. She really did mean it when she said she still loved him. "I know."

I kinda miss those ramblin' conversations
Where we talk about nothin'
The way you always made me laugh at my frustrations
Baby that was somethin'
I should've been careful what I wished for
Cause I've got my freedom and so much more

I left Brenda without another word. Part of me knew why Sonny didn't want her to know… but it seemed like all we were doing was hurting innocent women lately. Brenda. Courtney. I sighed…Elizabeth. Especially Elizabeth. I walked around the safe house and nodded at Max who was making rounds. I took the side door and was relieved to find Sonny sitting on the couch, reading the paper, instead of sitting by the vent listening to Brenda mutter to herself.

"Hey," he greeted me. "Why haven't you been by?"

Hey Jason, how's it going… haven't seen you in a few days, everything okay? I started to answer, but then realized that was a conversation I was having in my head. "I had some things to take care of."

"By that I'm hoping you mean Carly confronting the family members with a baseball bat."

"I talked to her about it." I moved further into the room and sat in the chair opposite the couch, facing him. "Then I talked to Tagliati… she might have actually done some good. But I won't let her do anything stupid."

"I know this is hard on her. I hope she knows it's hard on me too."

"She misses you," I told him. I looked up at my oldest friend and tried to think of all the reasons we were doing this. Of all the reasons I was lying to the people I loved – but none of them seemed to fit anymore. "I can't stay long."

"Have somewhere to be?"

"Not really. I just don't want us to be found out too soon. Skye and Jax are getting married today, so it should be over soon."

"I noticed Brenda didn't even ask you if she could go. And she didn't knock you over the head, so that's a good thing, right?"

"She knows I put men on Jax, even though he doesn't know. They've all been given the orders to disable Alcazar and bring him here, if they see him." I stood then, and readied myself to leave. "I should get back."

I guess you get used to somebody
Kind of like havin' them around
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy
Bring you up when you're feeling down
I never dreamed when I was letting you go
That I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody
I guess you get used to bein' loved

"Jason…" Sonny began. I could feel him studying me, trying to read what was going on with me. He was trying to understand the things I wasn't talking about. "How's Elizabeth?"

"I don't know," I answered him.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean what I said… I don't know how she is. I haven't talked to her lately."

"She lives with you, Jason. How can you not have talked to her?"

"She left," I explained. This really wasn't something I wanted to get into… not here, not with Sonny. I'd rather be anywhere else, having any other conversation at the moment, honestly. "I really have to go." I started moving towards the door, hoping to get out before he asked another question.

"She decided she couldn't handle it?" he asked.

"No." I dropped my chin and took a deep breath. God…it hurt. "She got tired of me lying to her, so she just left. On Monday."

"What happened?"

"She…uh…she saw me and Courtney on the docks. Courtney was almost mugged–"

"Is my sister okay?" he asked immediately.

"I stopped the guy. But apparently, Elizabeth was walking by, and when AJ showed up, he accused me of coming on to Courtney, and then Elizabeth heard him talk about me watching her stripping." I pinched the bridge of my nose as the memories of her hurt expression came to mind. "She was so hurt…and then add to that there was lipstick on my neck–"

"Wait," he interrupted again. "How did you get lipstick on your neck?"

"You remember…Brenda had that nightmare? She hugged me…and I'm guessing that's where it came from. Who knows? It could have been Courtney's. Point is… Elizabeth saw it, went back to the penthouse, and left."

"Have you seen her since?"

"I've been by Kelly's a few times. She doesn't even acknowledge my presence. From what Courtney told me today, it's the same with her. The only person I've seen her with is AJ…"

"AJ?"

"Before she left, she got AJ's phone number. I guess she called him, and they've been talking. I don't know, really." I rubbed the back of my neck in frustration. It wasn't that I didn't want to know – I did – I just wasn't sure if I had the right to know. "I have to go."

I never dreamed when I was letting you go
That I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody
I guess you get used to bein' loved

"Jason!" Sonny called after me.

I stopped at the door, my hand on the doorknob, and looked back at him. "Yeah?"

"You'll be okay. You were okay before Elizabeth Webber, and you'll be okay after her…"

I knew the small smile I gave him was full of bitterness and resentment. And I also knew I wouldn't be back to see him again. "That's easy for you to say. You have a wife and a son waiting for you at home."

I guess you get used to somebody
I guess you get used to bein' loved

Song Credit: You Get Used to Somebody, Tim McGraw