I could tell by my brother's surprised expression that I was the last person he was expecting to see. Actually, this was the last place I expected to end up. But sometimes things don't turn out like we expect.

"Jason." Instead of turning me away, like he had every right to, he opened the door. "Come in."

I followed him into the room, gently closing the door behind me. I looked around the apartment and noticed the boxes littering the living room and kitchen. "Are you moving?"

"Courtney and I are thinking about leaving Port Charles."

"Why?" I reached up to rub the back of my neck, trying to work out the tension I felt.

"Neither of us have anything here. I've been disowned and Sonny's dead."

I winced at the reference to Sonny. It'd been three days since I'd walked out on him. Sonny had called a few times, but I told him I was busy cleaning up Carly's mess. "So you're leaving."

"Yeah… we're leaving. Courtney wants to go to school. And I want to start over, somewhere else. We both want to start over."

"Is she here?" I inquired. I already knew the answer, but I thought I'd ask anyway.

"You here to see her?" AJ asked.

I watched as AJ moved away from the door, and sat down on the couch. "No, I'm not. I…" I hesitated. I looked away, narrowing my eyes at the window. "I'm here to ask for your help."

AJ snorted. It was a discouraging sound. "Don't you know, little brother, that I can't help anyone? I can only help myself. You're standing in the same room with the most selfish person alive."

No… I thought. That would be Sonny. I'd never say it out loud, but those words crossed my mind at that moment. I sat down in an old chair, one that Courtney had draped an afghan over the back of. Silently I fingered the afghan, and remembered a similar blanket that Elizabeth had forgotten at the penthouse. It was still lying over the back of my couch, looking at home.

"What do you need?" AJ asked.

"You know there's nothing going on with Courtney, don't you?" For some reason, I needed AJ to believe me about that.

"You stole one wife from me, Jase. Why was I so surprised that you tried to steal another?"

"I don't want Courtney," I promised him. "And I never stole Carly. She left, and you know the reasons why."

"Don't worry," he told me. "I know Carly Benson and I were a match made in hell. But I loved her… and she wanted you. Just like everyone else in my life."

"So you throw a pity party?" I asked. "You sit around and feel sorry for yourself while you're wife is out working her butt off trying to stop you from drowning? You know why she started stripping, AJ. The only person to blame for that mess was you."

"Jase–"

"No," I cut in. "For some ungodly reason, that woman loves you. And you… you need to make something out of it, Big Brother, because you may never get another chance."

"What do you want?"

"I don't want Courtney," I told him. "I never have. And if you'd think for just one second, you would know that."

"You know that," AJ said, "Courtney doesn't want you. For once, the black sheep wins. The golden boy finally lost."

"You're an idiot, AJ." I stood and moved towards the door. "I'm sorry I came here."

I was halfway down the hall when I heard him call after me. "Jase!" I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I really wasn't in the mood for another of AJ's moods.

"What?" I worked hard to keep my voice controlled, not betraying the anger or disappointment I was feeling. I'd never figure out what he and Elizabeth had talked about at this point.

"She loves you," he told me.

I turned to face him, put a hand on my hip. He was standing there, leaning against the door jamb, not a care in the world. "Who?"

"Elizabeth," AJ said. "She loves you."

"She left me, AJ. Or did she not tell you that?"

"Because you've been on some secret mission since the moment Sonny died! Because you stopped talking to her, you stopped caring about her."

I stalked back to where he was and glared down at him. "I have never, not even for one second, stopped caring about her. And Elizabeth knows that."

"How'd you get the lipstick on your neck, Jase?"

My eyes widened in shock. How much had she told him?

"Didn't think I knew, huh? That lipstick came from somewhere, little brother. Do I think you went behind her back? No, I don't. Even a blind man could see how much you care for Elizabeth Webber. But you're definitely hiding something from her. And since you claim that you don't lie, I imagine that's the reason that you're avoiding her. Except it's killing her, Jason. She died inside every time you came into the penthouse and went upstairs, didn't even stop to say hello. She took as much as she could take before she left."

"Did she tell you that?" I asked.

"She didn't have to." AJ moved back into the apartment, but left the door open so I could follow. "I could see it, every time I looked into her eyes at Kelly's. I just have to wonder which Elizabeth Webber you were looking at."

But that was the problem… and I knew it. I had stopped looking at her.

"I hope you and Courtney can be happy together." I looked down at my older brother and tried to smile. Even though he irritated the hell out of me, I still cared. It was some left over part of me from before… before Carly and Michael… before my life exploded, and AJ was caught in the crossfire. "You deserve it. I have to go."

I was gone before he could say another word.

~*~*~*~


I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

It was almost midnight when I slipped into the safe house. Brenda had left a desk lamp on, but she lay sleeping on the bed. I smiled to myself. From everything Max and Francis had told me, she'd been doing okay these last few days. I wondered if she still talked through the vent to Sonny. I could only imagine how hurt she was going to be when she realized who was on the other side.

Sitting down in the chair, I settled in for the night. It was easier to be here than at my apartment. The emptiness… it was too much for me. I kept running over the conversation with AJ from earlier that day. He'd said that Elizabeth loved me. And before she left, she said that she loved me. Part of me couldn't understand how. I was a monster… a truly bad person, but she loved me. This person who was beautiful inside and out loved… me. And I had no clue how it happened.

I lay back in the chair and closed my eyes, but sleep wouldn't come. Thoughts of Elizabeth kept coming to me… all the times we'd spent together. All the nights I stayed at her studio, her sleeping right below me on the floor. All of the times we'd been on the bike, just going nowhere. I still couldn't grasp how she got into my heart. When had I opened up and let her inside?

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

"Put the world down, Atlas, it'll be okay for a while."

I opened my eyes and saw Brenda sitting Indian-style on the bed. She hugged a pillow to her chest. "Hey. You're supposed to be sleeping."

"I heard you come in," she told me. "I haven't had much company today. It'll be nice to talk for awhile."

I couldn't stop the small smile tugging at my lips. "I'm not much of a talker."

"I've noticed." Brenda hugged the pillow again before she released it. "I was dreaming… about all the good times we used to have together."

"We never had good times, Brenda. You hated me."

"I never hated you." Brenda bit down on her lip, and I couldn't help but think of Elizabeth. "I was so disappointed that you settled for a life as Sonny's lackey. We were good friends before the accident, Jase. You could have been so much more."

"It was my choice. It was my life. And I was happy."

"I know. And I respected you for that… I always wanted that for you."

"And you?" I asked. "These last four years, have you been happy?"

"Can you really be happy when you're running from your past, Jason?" Brenda locked eyes with me, and half-smiled. "I've been running since the night Jax watched me go over the cliff. I've been running so hard, and so fast, that it brought me right back to what I was trying to escape. And it only brought a world of trouble to my friends."

"You mean Sonny."

"Yeah, I mean Sonny. And Jax. I know Alcazar is going to go after him."

"Don't worry. Mr. and Mrs. Jacks are honeymooning in the south of France. I have two of Sonny's men on him, though. They'll be there until we find Alcazar and he's taken care of."

"You mean until you kill him."

I shook my head. I had forgotten how blunt she could be. "The less you know, the better. Don't tell me you've forgotten how this works."

"Nope. I haven't," she assured me. Brenda chewed on her lip for a few moments before she looked up again. "How's Robin?"

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

"She's…" I sighed. Another thing I didn't really want to discuss. "She's in Paris, in school, I guess."

"When did she leave?"

"Not after long after you died. She and I… it was a bad break. We both said and did some things we shouldn't have."

"So who is the woman in Jason Morgan's life?" she asked me.

Again, she was being overly dramatic. "She left me."

"Robin?" Brenda asked.

"No… the woman in my life. She left me. A few days ago. Remember when you had the nightmare?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"She left that night." I looked down at my hands and sighed. It still hurt to talk about this. Even after talking with Elizabeth, and having a small ray of hope, I still couldn't believe how much it hurt.

"I'm sorry." Brenda looked away at the door and I heard her sigh. "Do you want to talk about it?" she offered.

"Nothing really to say," I told her. "Elizabeth… that's her name… she just got tired of all of the lies."

"You don't lie."

"I'm telling the biggest lie in the world right now, and you don't even know it."

"Oh."

"But the thing is… I don't really blame her. But I still miss her."

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

"Do you love her?" Brenda asked suddenly.

"More than I thought possible," I answered without hesitation.

"Then why are you here?" she asked. "Why aren't you out there, fighting for her, Jason?"

"Sonny wanted–"

"Sonny's dead." I could tell that it hurt her to say those words by the tears that came to her eyes. "I'd like to think he'd want you to be happy. Or at least my Sonny would have."

It was then that I realized that her Sonny was dead. She wouldn't even recognize the man who was sitting on the other side of the vent, or watching us through the window. Brenda had no idea who that man was. And neither did I.

"I'll fight for her tomorrow…" I conceded. "Tonight, I just want to be here, and sleep."

Brenda nodded and seemed to accept my decision. She lay back on the bed and pulled a throw blanket over her body. I was surprised she didn't fight me on staying here tonight. I listened as her breathing shallowed and sleep took her again. For a few minutes, she murmured and talked in her sleep, but I knew she'd been doing that all along.

I stood and went to look over her. Her face had relaxed some, the lines in her forehead had smoothed out. I reached up and pulled the blanket up around her shoulders. I let my hand linger in her hair as I pushed it out of her face. "Goodnight, Brenda," I whispered.

I knew I should have left then… and went to talk to Sonny. I knew he knew I was there. But I just didn't want to see him. I had decisions to make, very important decisions, some of them involving Sonny.

But tonight… I just wanted to sit in the chair, and watch over Brenda as she slept. I wanted to think of how much I missed my friend. Except I didn't know which friend I should miss.

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
I miss my friend

Elizabeth or Sonny.

Song Credit: I Miss My Friend, Darryl Worley