Last time I talked to you,
you were lonely and out of place.

You were looking down on me,
lost out in space.

I had wanted to say it for so long that I was surprised when the words came out of my mouth. I hadn't expected it to be different… sadder. I hadn't expected to feel so liberated.

"What did you say?"

"You heard me." The anger from a minute ago was gone. Now all I felt was… relief.

Sonny pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. He looked up at his friend… the one person who had never let him down. The person who had been there no matter what. And Sonny didn't recognize him. "Do you really feel like that?"

I rolled my neck and felt the bones pop and looked away. My fists clenched at my sides, hoping to relieve some tension. "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."

"Oh." I looked away again and swallowed. It was hitting me now. My friend was gone. "She's going to leave me, you know. After I tell her."

"Then don't."

God, he made it sound so simple. "And then what Sonny?" I shouted. Closing my eyes, I took in a deep breath. "What happens when surprise, you're not dead? You're not the one she's going to look at with those eyes… you're not the one she's going to hate."

"Do you hate me?"

Laid underneath the stars,
strung out and feeling brave.

Watch the red orange glow,
watch them float away.

I blinked. "What kind of question is that?"

"A simple question." He still had that commanding tone in his voice. "Do you hate me?"

"I hate what you've become," I answered honestly. "I look at you… and I mean I really look and I try to find the person you used to be. I just want to know what happened to him."

Sonny sat down on the couch and rubbed his eyes with his fingers. "Brenda died… Hannah betrayed me… I slept with Carly, and destroyed you. My baby died… so much happened. How did you miss it, Jason?"

"I didn't." My voice was low, but I knew he could hear me. "You… you stopped needing me. You stopped wanting my help. Suddenly there was Carly and she became enough. I was happy for you, because you understood that I could never love her like she deserved. And you can. You do. I'm happy for the both of you. But in the process of finding your happiness, you lost sight of our friendship and me. You… I became just another employee to you, Sonny."

"That's not true."

"Sonny, I will never forget the day I came to you because Lucky had just attacked me on the docks and I was… I was upset because of Elizabeth, and you told me that you needed me focused on your family. What I felt didn't matter to you. It hasn't in a long time."

"Jason…"

"I have to go," I said abruptly. "I have to go and explain what's going on to her… don't worry, I'll make sure your precious secret is safe. I just hope she doesn't hate me."

"We're not finished, Jason."

I stopped at the door, my hand on the knob. I looked back at the man who pulled me from the streets and gave me a life and shook my head sadly. "Yes, we are." And then I left.

Down here in the atmosphere,
garbage and city lights,
you gotta save your tired soul,
you gotta save our lives.

Turn on the radio,
to find you on satellite,
I'm waiting for the sky to fall,
I'm waiting for a sign.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~


I had hoped she was asleep, but of course she wasn't. Brenda was never anything I wanted her to be. She was loud when I wanted her to quiet down. She was funny when I was trying to be serious. And now… she was sick when I wanted her to be well.

"Hey."

I leaned against the door jam and nodded. "Hey."

"What's up?"

"I came…" I looked away, almost embarrassed. "I came to ask your advice."

Brenda crossed her arms over her chest and cocked an eyebrow. "Okay, now I know you must be desperate."

I gave her a half-smile, but then felt my serious face slip back on. "I've been keeping a secret. A pretty big secret. And I'm about to tell Elizabeth the truth… the whole truth. I need to know how to do it."

"How to do what?"

"Destroy her faith in me."

Her mouth formed into a silent 'O' and then she smiled. "You really love this girl, don't you?"

All we are is all so far.

"Yeah I do." I rubbed the back of my neck and told her, "Alcazar's been caught. You can leave when you're ready."

Brenda's face seemed to gain new light. "Seriously?"

"Yes."

She jumped off the bed and towards me. Her arms wrapped around my neck effortlessly and I hugged her gently and patted her back. "Where do you think you'll go?"

"Back to Europe. I want to die there. I was happy… at least until Luis changed."

"Not here?" I asked. I had to admit, I was a bit surprised.

She shook her and looked away, but then quickly back to my face. "I don't want the people I love to know that I'm sick. I stayed away because I never wanted Sonny or Jax to see me like this… and I don't want anyone to watch me die."

"Brenda," I sighed. "Everyone…" I looked away from her unrelenting gaze. The guilt was beginning to eat at me. I needed to get out of there. "Everyone deserves to have the people they love around them when they die, you know that."

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

"Sonny's dead, Jason. And Jax is married. Who's left? Robin? She's in Europe, I might go to Paris. But other than her, there's no one else."

"That's not true."

"Who else?" she asked. "Who? You?"

"Yeah," I answered her. "Me."

"You don't mean that. You don't even like me."

I nodded in agreement. "But I'll always care. I owe that much to Sonny. You knew the Sonny who was so important to me… you knew why I was so loyal to him, even if you never understood it. And I owe that to him and to you to always be there for you."

"What about Elizabeth?"

"She gets it. And actually, I think it might be something that she loves about me."

Brenda smiled again. "I could see that."

"I should go."

"Just tell her, Jason. If she loves you like I think she does, she'll understand. She might be upset… but she'll understand."

"I hope."

I could tell it was on impulse, but Brenda reached up to kiss my cheek. She wiped the lipstick smudge off with her finger and smiled. "Don't want your girl thinking you're cheating on her."

I could only grimace on how accurate she was. "I'll get you out of here soon," I promised. "Then you can decide how you want to live your life."

"Thanks Jason."

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Hope you remember me,
when you're homesick and need a change.
I miss your purple hair,
I miss the way you taste.

I know you'll come back someday,
on a bed of nails I wait.
I'm praying that you don't burn out,
or fade away.

It was the longest walk in my whole life. It was like I was finally about to face the firing squad, getting ready to pay for all of my sins. When her building came into sight, I could only stop and wonder if this would be the last time I was ever invited in. If this would be the last time Elizabeth ever looked at me with that look in her eyes. That look of love that I needed so much.

"Sooner or later," I muttered before I took the last few steps to her building. I took the steps to her floor two at a time, eager to see her. I knocked before I let myself think about it anymore.

When she opened the door, I knew she could see everything I was feeling. The hurt… the anger. The sense of loss. When Elizabeth reached out for me, I took a step back.

All we are is all so far

"Jason."

I closed my eyes and squeezed them tight. "I need to talk to you."

"Jason–" Except that voice wasn't Elizabeth's, it was Carly's.

"Carly," I said, coming into the studio. I took one look at her and I knew why she was there. She was going to tell Elizabeth before I got a chance. Since we were both still standing, I knew she hadn't yet. "I need to speak with Elizabeth. I need you to go home, and wait for me there."

"Jase," she protested.

"Carly." My voice was stern, leaving no room for argument.

Carly huffed, but grabbed her purse. I walked her out the door, my arm on her elbow. "I'm telling her," I said in a low voice. "Let me be the bad guy."

"You don't have to do this," she pleaded. "Jason… it's not fair. You're the one person who didn't do anything wrong, but you have the most to lose."

"I'll be okay," I promised her. "I'll see you when I get home."

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

"Okay." Carly turned back to Elizabeth and smiled. "I'll see you later, I hope."

Elizabeth nodded. "Yeah. I'll try to drop by the penthouse… maybe we can finish our talk."

Carly smiled. "I'd like that." With one more look at me, she was gone.

I turned back to Elizabeth and sighed inwardly. This was not going to be pretty. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah." Elizabeth busied herself at the artist's table, straightening and restraightening. "What's up?"

I reached out to touch her, but my hand dropped back to my side. Somehow I knew that touching her would make it all the much harder. "Elizabeth…"

She turned to face me and her smile faded. "What's wrong?"

"I… I haven't been completely honest with you."

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there, oh.
You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity....

I watched as she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. "What do you mean?"

"I've been keeping something from you." I rubbed a hand over my face and shook my head. God, this was hard. "It's about what I've been doing…"

"For Sonny?" she asked.

For a moment I thought Carly had told her, but then she said, "That last project you were working on when he died?"

"Yeah. That."

She looked at me expectantly, waiting for the words to come… but I couldn't think of any. "Jason…"

I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

"Sonny's alive," I blurted out.

Her eyes widened. "Come again?"

"It was fake… a hoax. Sonny's alive."

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

"This is a joke," she said. "A really sick joke, but a joke, right?" Her eyes pleaded with me to tell her the punch line. "Jason!" she exclaimed. "It's a joke."

"No," I told her. "It's not. It's real. Sonny is alive… he's in a safe house across town."

Then her face hardened and she looked at me in a way I never knew she could. I felt my heart stop beating… I felt the pain explode inside of me. I sighed deeply. "Let me explain."

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me.

"No," she said crisply. "I want you to leave." Marching to the door, Elizabeth yanked it open. "Get out."

Well I know,
I know.

You're falling out of reach.

Song Credit: Somewhere Out There, Our Lady Peace