Shuuichi bit his lip and looked down. His own front door. On the other side, there would be his mother, his father, and his sister.
He'd never been so scared in his life.
He wished he'd said something to Hiro before he came. His sister knew already, she was over the shock. But she didn't tell anyone. Shuuichi guessed he should be grateful. At least this way, he wasn't going to come home to pre-set cold stares and anger. What he knew was going to be his mother wailing in tears and his father glaring in betrayal.
Shuuichi had made up his mind. He straightened his spine and set his mouth. He grasped the doorknob. He was moving in with the one he was in love with.
With another man.
He sagged backed down again.
"Mother, Father, I've met someone. I'm in love. With a man. Another man. A guy. Someone I met. I'm moving in with him. Them. I'm moving out. Shuuichi, you are an idiot." Shuuichi smacked his forehead, groaned, and walked back to the park again. He's spent the last hour and a half there. Too scared to leave really. He didn't want to go home. He didn't want to have to tell his parents. All he wanted to do was sit down and hide.
All he really wanted to do was run away to Yuki Eiri.
The big jerk.
Shuuichi sighed. He plunked himself down on a bench, arched backwards so the top of it was digging into his spine, stretched for a moment, and sagged.
"Mom, Dad…um…I guess I'm gay."
He sighed again. "God, every time I say it, it just sounds stupider."
His father was going to kill him. He groaned again, deflated.
Maybe he wouldn't have to tell them. Maybe they wouldn't notice.
Dinnertime. Shuuichi stared at his plate and had no appetite.
"How's your girlfriend?"
He sat bolt upright and stared at his father. "Um, we broke up." But I forgot to tell her. He grinned a bit sheepishly.
He threw a look at his sister. She was poking at her rice with her fork.
He closed his eyes, and it came out in a rush. "Actually I met someone new and I want to move in with them." He was just seconds away from saying "him" when he changed his mind.
He heard a clink.
He didn't open his eyes.
After a long silence, he gave up and opened one eye just a little bit before deciding he looked like an idiot with one eye opened and looked up with both eyes at his father.
"That's where you were last week." Was all his father said.
"Uh, yeah." He picked up his fork and tried to eat. But as soon as he speared a piece of snow pea he knew he wouldn't eat it. He felt sick.
His father was sitting there, fork in hand, just considering his son. He looked down again, nonchalantly stabbing a bit of vegetable with his fork and lifting it to his lips before asking, "Who is it?"
"Sss-someone I met."
His father arched an eyebrow and ate the vegetable with what Shuuichi felt was an incredibly loud crunch.
"You getting married? You get some girl pregnant?"
Oh, from bad to worse.
Shuuichi shut his eyes tightly and blurted it out. "Dad, I'm gay."
Silence.
He flashed his bus pass and sat down heavily, most of the car was empty. He was glad. He didn't want to be around people. He shifted his bag so it was between his feet and sighed. He'd have to go and get his stuff tomorrow, when his father was at work.
He pulled the wad of cash that he was given.
Nineteen years with them, nineteen years being their son. Now he wasn't their son, and he had 40 dollars.
He made a fist around it, bit his lip. Forty dollars wasn't enough to live off of, and being the lead in a band that hasn't even cut a single yet doesn't really make for a good income. He carefully unfolded it, smoothed out the wrinkles, and refolded it, and stuck it back into his pocket. For about ten seconds he considered not spending the money, keeping it. To remind himself of today.
But then he thought that was stupid. He wasn't going to forget today, and forty dollars wasn't going to keep the memory any clearer. He needed the money.
He started to kick his bag.
He walked up to the building, hit the buzzer, and a voice came over the intercom.
"What?"
"Yuki?"
An annoyed sigh, but there was a buzz sound, and the door popped open.
He walked through the foyer, hit the up button on the elevator, and waited patiently. He was really tired. He'd cried and he'd screamed, and he'd talked for the last two hours.
Okay, so normally he does that, but really, this time he was tired.
The elevator door slid open, and the florescent lights made him flinch. His eyes were sore. He walked in, and leaned against the wall, hit the floor button, and sighed. Normally, he hit the "close" button over and over again, impatient for the elevator to crawl upwards.
Now, he just wanted to sleep. And it was so nice and warm in the elevator, and if things moved slow, he didn't mind. Soon, he'll be at the flat.
He hoped it would be their flat. He didn't have very many other places to go. And if he could be with the man he loved… but he supposed Hiroshi would have him over too.
Shuuichi sighed dreamily, crossed his arms, and looked up at the mirrored ceiling. One tube of florescent made the center bright, reflected and filled the elevator with light.
Everything will be okay. He just needed to go, and rest. He wanted to smell cigarettes, and stale beer, he even missed the open containers of take out that always seemed to be lying around. He really felt like it was home. Even if Eiri can be a bit of a jerk sometimes.
Most of the time. But that's just how he was, and he didn't mind so much.
He yawned, and rested his head against the wall. A few minutes later, there was a placid dinging sound, and the doors slid open. He trudged up the hallway, to the apartment door. He knocked. The door opened immediately. Shuuichi jumped.
Shuuichi smiled in relief. "Yuki." Shuuichi wasn't going to scream, 'I'm here!' and fly at him. It just felt good to see him. He was wearing a navy blue sweater, a pair of slacks. His hair was mussed and a cigarette was between his teeth. He didn't look aggressive, or angry, or anything. He just looked like he was opening the front door. He let go of the doorknob, and walked away. But he didn't slam it on Shuuichi's face, or demand answers, or tell Shuuichi to go away. Which he sometimes did.
Shuuichi walked in, and sat heavily on the couch. He looked around the living room, taking in it's wonderful cleanness. No takeout on the coffee table this time, but there was an ashtray full of cigarette butts, a coffee cup three quarters full. An art book that looked like it was never opened. Shuuichi picked it up and began to thumb through it. The book cracked when he opened it, groaned. It sounded like it was brand new.
"Make yourself at home." Shuuichi heard sarcasm. He put the book down and folded his hands on his lap neatly. Shuuichi looked up at him again, Eiri drew the cigarette up to his mouth, "What?" and then inhaled.
Shuuichi jumped up, ran to him, and pressed against his chest. "I'm glad to see you." He meant it, he rushed his words all together. He was so glad to see Eiri, he felt weak from it. "I missed you. I did." He wrapped his arms around Eiri's waist, grabbing his right wrist with his left hand and squeezing hard. "I really did."
He held on until he felt a little safer, and then he let go, missing him already. He sniffed. "Sorry."
He looked up at Eiri's face. He didn't know if Eiri knew it or not, but he had kind eyes. They were yellowish green, and he had a way of looking at you… you can be so afraid of him, you can be so afraid for him. Eiri stroked Shuuichi's cheek with the back of his fingers lightly. Shuuichi tried to vault himself at Eiri just then, steal a kiss. Eiri caught Shuuichi's chin to stop him, Schuuci's feelings get hurt as he thinks Eiri doesn't want to kiss him. Eiri exhaled some smoke off to one side, the smoke moved from his mouth, escaping in swirls – he doesn't hiss it in exasperation, he's not angry, he's just exhaling… sighing it out, and it sounds exhausted. Eiri lets him go. They kiss. Shuuichi holds him then, clinging to one of the few little expressions of love he was allowed. And then Eiri pushes him away, one last caress for Shuuichi's cheek, moved to his cooler to get a beer. Eiri wasn't good with expressing affection.
Shuuichi shivered, suddenly cold. "Yuki?"
"Mm?"
"I told my parents. About you and me." Shuuichi was looking at Eiri's ugly painting. He never did see why Eiri liked it. Eiri had told him once it was 'geometric chaos'. He bought it because he liked that phrase, 'geometric chaos'. Shuuichi could hear the beer pop open, Eiri taking in a long long draught, sighing.
"Ah, I see." But his voice sounds tired.
"They've disowned me." His voice started to shake. "Yuki, they've disowned me."
"I heard you the first time." Eiri is calm. He kept his eyes to the ground, holding the beer in one hand, tracing the wall with the other as he walks to the couch.
"Yuki." Shuuichi heard himself become distressed. "My parents don't want to ever see me again."
Silence.
"Yuki…say something."
"They've got to be very foolish people." Eiri shifts on the couch so that he could rest his neck on the corner.
"Yuki! Yuki, my mom and my dad hate me. They hate me because I'm with you. I don't know if I'm gay or if I'm bi or if I even care anymore, but they hate me because I'm in love with you!" He whirled around started to yell. "Say something better."
Eiri looked at him with cool eyes. He snorts softly, in gentle scorn. "So now you love me."
"Yes! Yes I love you! I love you! I've been yelling this all day! And I'm going to keep yelling it until someone believes me!" Yuki, I'm never going to talk to my daddy ever again. Never going to talk to my mom. Loving you made them cry more than when I dropped out of school.
"I love you! Damn you! I love you! You bastard! You bastard! My parents never want to talk to me ever again! Because I love you! My parents will never talk to me again, while yours beg you to come back. Beg you! You won't even use their name Yuki! They beg you, and they beg you… and you… you don't love them…" and now he's just crying. He can't stop himself today. "How could you not love them?"
He can see his father's eyes, filled with rage. He can see his mother, covering her mouth in disbelief, tears moving down her cheeks. They would have reacted better to cancer.
He can hear Eiri stand up, and walk past him. Shuuichi cried harder, and harder. His family was gone. All of it, all at once. All the love and support was just gone. He wouldn't sleep on his own bed anymore. He wouldn't wake up in that perfect spot he'd dented into his futon. His home. He lost his home. He'd never drink out of the brown ceramic mug with the chip in the rim ever again. He would never have his room back. He'd never make his parents proud. He'd never feel them loving him on his birthday. It was all gone. All of it.
And he couldn't even get his lover to hold him. It wasn't going to be okay. It couldn't be okay. Not when his whole heart belonged to someone who couldn't even love his own parents.
He fell down to the ground, the clean, hardwood floors hurt his knees and then they went numb, and he just cried.
Eiri walked to his countertop. He put out his cigarette. He walked to Shuuichi, kneeling on the floor, crying as if he never ever believed his whole world could be ripped in half. Eiri sighed, and knelt. He touched Shuuichi's shoulder.
Shuuichi smacked his hand away. "Leave me alone!"
Eiri sighed again, and laid his hand on his shoulder again.
"No. Leave me alone. You're only being nice because I'm being loud."
"Stop that." Eiri kept his voice calm. "Come here, now."
"No."
But Eiri pulled him close, and held him.
"No." Shuuichi cried. "No. Let go of me." He tried to pull away. "Let go. Let go. Let go." But he wasn't struggling very hard. "You didn't want to hold me until I got loud."
"I had to put out my cigarette."
Shuuichi sniffed and looked at him dubiously. "What?"
"Put out my cigarette. So I don't get ash on you."
Shuuichi jerked away. "You shouldn't be so practical."
"You shouldn't be so emotional."
"I lost my family!"
"They're alive."
"They hate me."
"Feh, I doubt that." And Shuuichi was caught and drawn close again.
Shuuichi sniffed again, let the loops of knit navy yarn make impressions against his cheek. "I…. I miss them. Yuki… I…", and he broke down into tears again. He cried until the navy knit sweater was wet where his face was pressed. He cried until he couldn't remember why he was crying, until all he had left to hold onto was Eiri, and an overwhelming sense of loss that didn't have memory to back it. He cried and cried and cried.
And then, he was done.
He hiccupped back some tears, sniffling, almost not wanting to stop. He remembered his family again, and squeezed his eyes shut hard and held Eiri harder. He was still shaking a little, he gripped the sweater until he was sure it was stretched out of shape, until his knuckles were white. And then, he felt it melt.
He let out a shaky sigh every now and then, and melt a little more. And now he was just holding Eiri. Feeling safe.
And now, he felt sort of numb again, and distant, and utterly exhausted.
He pushed Eiri away. He sat back upright and his muscles ached from holding such an awkward position for so long, his back hurt, he had a stitch in his side. His stomach growled, and he felt like he wanted to sleep.
"I'm hungry…." His voice sounded distant, even to himself. Eiri let go of him, stood up with some difficulty.
An hour. He'd been crying for at least an hour. Shuuichi staggered up himself, and followed Eiri to the kitchen. He sat on a bar stool, he folded his arms on the countertop, and laid his forehead down there. He must have dozed off, he only woke up because he felt something cool brush up against his hand. He looked up. A heavy, ceramic plate with food was on it. It appeared to be stir-fried vegetables (it smelled of ginger), and then right after that, a beer was set down.
"That's all I have to drink."
"Domo." He whispered, and didn't look up. He must look like hell, so he tried to spare Eiri the sight of his eyes. The first thing he did was pick up the beer can and rest it against his eyelids. He sighed. After a few seconds being grateful of how cool it felt, he set it down to eat with shaking hands. The more he ate, the less he shook. When it was all gone – which was really too fast – he let out one long, shivery sigh.
"More?"
"No."
Shuuichi was staring at the empty plate. Eiri was a really good cook. Much better than his mother.
Shuuichi sighed, opened up the beer, and drank it. It tasted horrible. He almost asked why it was Eiri drank such horrible stuff, but then decided that he was just grateful for something with alcohol in it. Then he debated getting drunk that night. But he didn't like getting drunk alone.
They managed to squeeze onto the couch together and fall asleep.
Four hours later he woke up, and glanced over at Eiri asleep. He was beautiful while he slept, but he'd probably get a crick in his neck from that position. Shuuichi shifted his weight, and rolled off the couch.
He hesitated at the phone, but dialed.
The phone rang twice before it answered.
"Hello?"
Shuuichi's heart jumped. "Mom?"
A few beats of silence. "Now's not a good time to call, dear. You're father is still mad."
He looked down, and felt a little tired. "…okay…"
There was an awkward pause.
"Mom?"
Silence.
"Mom, I love you."
"I'll leave the front door unlocked for you. I think you should get your things tomorrow."
"…okay…"
He heard the sound of muffled crying, "I love you."
And they hung up on him.
Shuuichi sighed, turned to wriggle his way back onto the couch. He stopped, Eiri had the back of his hand to his forehead, but he could see from the light he was awake. Shuuichi swallowed, looked down, edged foreword, and climbed back onto the couch with him.
It was hard to end his night satisfactorily, he doubted anything could really repair it. He held onto Eiri, pressed his forehead against the navy blue sweater again. He couldn't quite sleep now, now even when he was safe and warm and held. He felt abandoned.
Shuuichi wanted to hope. He nuzzled into Eiri again. Shuuichi needed to hope. Where did his hope lie now? He still makes music, he still sings. So he should be happy. And he had Eiri. So he should be happy. He had Hiro. So he should be happy. He guessed… that really it would be alright.
He had love, didn't he?
So.
Love is hope.
Shuuichi sighed, but this time, it was a long sigh of relaxation.
He loved music.
He loved Eiri.
And he loved his family.
Shuuichi relaxed, a soft smile forming his lips.
It was stupid. Yeah, sure.
But he didn't really care about looking smart anyways.
He fell asleep.
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