*I do not mean, in any way, to offend the seriousness of the book. This was just sort of fun! Enjoy!*
A Fool's Council of Elrond
Elrond: Welcome everyone. We are here because of the ring. Therefore let's start with a brief history of it.
(Three hours later)
Elrond: The end!
(Gimli snores)
Elrond: Now, before we begin the dark, evil stuff, Arwen? Please pass out the snacks.
(Arwen gives everyone a cup of coffee and five animal crackers. She comes to Aragorn and gives him ten animal crackers and a lump of sugar for his coffee.)
Boromir: Hey! Strider has more Master Elrond! No fair!
(He begins to whine.)
Arwen: Shut up, you creep!
(Boromir shuts up. Arwen comes to Gimli.)
Gimli: Hey, I got a hippo. I wanna kitty cat!
(He begins to bawl)
Boromir: Yeah, and he got more!
(Points at Aragorn, who looks up with his mouth full of crackers. Arwen casts a murderous glance at Boromir. Boromir shuts up. Arwen comes to Frodo.)
Frodo: No thanks, I don't think it's good for my stature. Is there anything else?
Arwen: There are concessions around the corner.
Frodo: Ok, thanks. If you will excuse me.
(He kisses her hand and walks off. Aragorn growls. Arwen comes to Elrond.)
Elrond: Well, what do you know! This one doesn't have a leg!
(He stuffs it in his mouth. He looks over at two of the men sitting by Boromir.)
Elrond: You! Put those cards away. I will tolerate no poker playing during my council, though you will find that your seats are equipped with fine Parcheesi boards!
Gandalf: Can we get on with it? I don't know how long this Beano will last!
Elrond: All right, first order of business. The ring is evil. Therefore do not put it on because it might get stuck to your finger. Number two. There are a few side effects that come from bearing the ring. You might be hunted down by merciless riders; you might become a slimy creature like Gollum and thirdly, you might begin spewing green liquid at any instant.
(Frodo walks in with a Capri Sun and a mountain of sweets.)
Frodo: Sorry it took so long. I couldn't decide between the twinkie and the tic tacs.
(He sits down. All sitting near scoot their chairs away, except for Bilbo, who is too busy using his lap as a dance floor for his animal crackers.)
Elrond: Ahem. Well, perhaps we should hear a brief history of Morder.
Gandalf: (Groan)I believe we can skip that part.
Elrond: Oh, very well. But it is indeed enjoyable to build that sense of forboding! Now what we must do is des-
(Gimli sneezes and Gloin's coffee spills.)
Gloin: Ahhh! Gimli! That coffee is hot! It better not leave a stain on my lucky tunic!
Gimli: You should've been holding your cup! And the coffee was pretty gross anyway!
Boromir:Yeah! And some people have more snackies than the rest of us!
Arwen: For the last time, shut up!
Boromir: No! I don't feel like it!
(Arwen spins around and hurls an animal cracker at his head. Boromir shuts up and rubs the giraffe-shaped dent on his temple.)
Elrond: Enough! As I was saying, this evil, no good, but rather pretty ring must be destroyed, or else Sauron, the enemy of all free lands, will cover us in a second darkness. It must be taken deep into the heart of Morder and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this.
(A long silence except for Bilbo's snoring.)
Gimli: Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom?
Gandalf: Really! Are Frodo and I the only two of this group that understands the importance of the decision that will be made today? This is a threat! A real threat to us all!
Gimli: I take that as a no.
Gandalf: It most certainly is! We shall all remain here until this business is sorted out!
Boromir: Yeah! 'Cause that wasn't fair that he got more, was it old friend Gandy!
Gandalf: Not that business you fool of a…oh that's right. You don't have a last name. Now, Elrond, if you would.
Elrond: Certainly! All right, any volunteers,or will I have to draw names out of a hat?
Gimli: (quietly)I really gotta go.
Boromir: Do we have to destroy it? It would be such a pity to see unlimited power go to waste.
Aragorn: You cannot weild it. None of us can. The ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master.
Boromir: And what would a mere cracker-stealer know of such matters?
Legolas: That was no mere cracker. That was Simba, son of saltine, the yummiest of them all! By the way, that's Aragorn. He's a king.
Frodo: Anyone want a dum-dum?
Elrond, Boromir, Gimli: Me!!!
(Frodo gives it to Arwen)
Frodo: One so sweet needs something sweeter than coffee.
(Aragorn growls louder.)
Gimli: (singing)Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go…
Elrond: Now back to business.
Gimli: (grumbling) Right now I'd like to do my own business.
Elrond:Who shall be the lucky peoples? The will be opulently honered, if they ever returned.
(A wet spot appears on Gimli's pant leg.)
Gimli: Well, that's the end of that problem. I warned ya!
Elrond: Noone say a word! We will not speak until one of us resolves to take on this terrible burden.
Boromir: Ohh! The silent game! Does the winner get crackers?
All present: SHUT UP!
(Boromir shuts up. All are silent for ten minutes, then-)
Frodo: I will take the ring to Morder. Though, I do not know the way.
(Stunned silence.)
Gandalf: I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear.
Aragorn: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: Well, as soon as I have changed my pants, I shall accompany you as well.
Boromir: I shall come too. (To Elrond)You will pack us crackers, won't you?
Samwise: Ahhh! (Comes out of hiding)Well Mr. Frodo isn't going anywhere without me!
Elrond: All right. Cool with me. Now all of those who are in the fellowship please come into the dining hall and you shall have a farewell feast.
(Merry and Pippin come out of hiding.)
Pippin: A feast! Count me in!
Merry: You won't leave us begging at the door dear Master Elrond!
Elrond: Ok, like I care. Come on and let's get it over with.
(They sit down at a big table.)
Boromir: Ooo! Crackers! (He stuffs himself)Now I'm watching you, cracker-snatcher! You lay one finger on this plate and I'll-
All present: SHUT UP!
(Boromir shuts up.)