The Politics of. . . High-Society Sex
by Tinselcat
Summary: Rincewind ponders his situation and Vetinari gets horny
Rated: R for sexual situations
Disclaimer: Rincewind, The Luggage, Ankh-Morpork, Samuel Vimes, Angua Von Uberwald, Drumknott Death and his horse Binky are all creations and property of Terry Pratchett. No profit is being obtained from use of these characters. Brian and Osten are my creations and property.
Notes: sorry it's been so long between updates, I was finishing up another story, and had to get it done. Now that it is, I can focus more on this fic, although I'm not quite sure where it's going. Ah well, I'll figure it out. Anyway, enjoy.
**********************
Rincewind wandered aimlessly in the palace garden. He seriously doubted that the Patrician ever took the time to enjoy it, but that aspect of Lord Vetinari was one that couldn't be further from his mind.
"he kissed me. . ." murmured Rincewind for the umpteenth time that day, causing his stoic guard to give him an uncharacteristic confused look. Rincewind suddenly turned to the guard, which for reasons undiscovered, unsettled the large man greatly, "what if it was some sort of political code for something? Like a handshake, or an assassination." Rincewind mused to the guard's pectoral muscles. The skinny wizard turned around and began walking again. He stopped suddenly, his guard almost running into him. "what if it means he's going to kill me? what if I'm going to die after all?!" Rincewind's voice cracked with panic, and he gave a startled scream at an equally startled granite statue of a nymph.
It was at this time that his reverie was interrupted that he noticed a very distincive sound, one that he would never, for the rest of his life, be able to mistake for anything else. It wasn't the luggage, however.
"I'M looking over, a four leaf CLOVER, that IIIIIII over-looked be- *gasp* FOOOOOOOORE!"
Rincewind, with mounting horror, crept toward the bush out of which the abhorrent sound seemed to be coming.
"ONE leaf for SUN-SHIIIINE, the other for *gasp* RAAAAAAIIIIN!! One for the FLOWERS that grow in the *gasp* LAAAAAAAANE!!!"
he rounded the bush and found, sitting contentedly on a stone bench on the other side, mercilessly mutilating a small harp, the familiar shortness of Brianna Lucretia Marita Gregarious Etcetera.
"b-Brian?" he asked, in the minuscule hope that he was hallucinating.
"RINCE-wind!!" she shrieked happily as she swiveled to look at him.
"w-what. . . what. . . you. . . bloody hell. . ."
she hopped up and grinned, "oh, didn't I mention to you that I had a friend I stayed with whenever I was in Ankh-Morpork?"
"and that friend is. . ."
"Lucky."
"is he?"
"No, that's his nickname. It's short for Havelock."
Rincewind felt faint, "Havelock. . ."
"Vetinari, of course, don't you keep up with politics? I thought he was supposed to have lunch with you or something."
"er, well, yes. . ."
"how was it?"
"oh, just fine." He suddenly gave himself a mental slap across the face. "Wait, what the hell are you doing calling the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork 'Lucky'?!"
"well, because it annoys him."
"but. . . but how would you possibly be put into a position where that would become an option in the first place?!" he was nearly hysterical at this point and felt the enormous burden of resisting the desire to wring Brian's neck.
"oh, well, I found this dreadful old clock for one of Lucky's advisors, and he hired me when his dog wandered out of the palace and got lost. Took me forever to find the smelly little bugger too. You'd think that finding a short-sighted, ugly, smelly dog would be easy. Well, let me tell you a few things about the Ankh-Morpork city watch, goodness, are they ever touchy about invasions on their turf, and what with that werewolf on the watch, you'd think they wanted to scare people off. Maybe that's the point after all, I mean, you do have to be intimidating for some job like that, right?" she stared up at Rincewind, whose eyes had gone blank. "right? right?"
Rincewind shook his head. "oh, er, right, of course." He realized he forgot what his original question was, and found that he really didn't want to pursue it, as far as it meant listening to the short maniac any longer. He abruptly turned around and started to walk away.
To his extreme chagrin, she followed him. "I'm going out later today to pay homage to the goddess Knut at her temple. I don't think she's very well known. She's the goddess of things-that-you-need-in-a-hurry-but-can't-find- no-matter-how-hard-you-look-so-you-have-to-go-to-your-engagement-without-it- and-are-subsequently-late-but-it-turns-up-a-week-later-in-your-underwear- drawer."
"oh." Grunted Rincewind, entertaining the notion of seppuku.
"her husband's temple is on the opposite side of the courtyard to hers. His name is Kase. He's the god of sock-that-has-no-pair-that-you-don't-throw- away-because-you-think-you-still-might-find-the-other-one-so-it-just-sort- of-sits-there. You know what happens when they make passionate love?"
"nugh." Rincewind wondered how hard it would be to impale himself on a bush.
"well, when they make passionate love, they combine into one great, sexless deity called," she took a deep breath and clasped her hands to her heart, "Knut-Kase."
"so's yer mum."
"what was that?"
"nothing."
"oh. So, anyway, they become this great god Knut-Kase, but eventually it gets in a row with itself, and they separate again until the next time they make passionate love."
Rincewind was tentatively curious about what Knut-Kase was the deity of, but decided that he was probably better off not knowing.
"soooo, how was breakfast with the Patrician, hmmm?" she skipped along beside him, giving him a slight nudge in the ribs.
"um. . . fine. . ."
"nothing. . . unexpected happened, did it?"
"n-no."
"you sure?"
"yes."
"real sure?"
"yes."
"positively sure?"
"yes."
"absolutely su-"
"YES!!"
"well, there's no reason to yell about it, I was just asking." She sniffed. "anyway, I should get going. As the day goes on, the priests of Knut tend to get confused, so it's best to get there either early, or late, unless you want to end up holding their sacred staffs for them while they rummage around in search of the Fated Incense of Time." she winked at him "have a nice. . . evening. . ." sniggering to herself, she turned and walked into a bush. She swore several times, untangled herself, picked a couple sticks from her hair, and wandered off, eventually ending up in another bush, as it turned out.
Rincewind, casting periodic furtive glances toward his guard, wandered about the palace in search of his quarters. After several hours, he managed to find it and, giving the guard a suspicious look to make sure that he wouldn't follow him in, entered his room and flopped in a chair. He idly wondered what was to become of him. Whatever it was, he probably wouldn't like it. He never liked it. Something bad was always happening to him. Things never changed in that respect.
Though, throughout the rest of his calm afternoon, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was wrong.
*******************
"Lord Vetinari wishes that you dine with him again tonight. He expects you have more questions, and regrets that your conversation this morning had to be cut short by pressing matters of state." drumnknott had managed to say the entire thing without looking at Rincewind.
Rincewind grumbled something unintelligable, but stood up and followed the man. He could tell that they were once more heading toward Vetinari's chambers. His mind immediately jumped back to that startling kiss. What the hell had that been about, anyway? Was he about to find out?
*hallo, there.* came a voice from inside his head.
*what? Who are you?* he answered back.
*guess.*
*err. . . my conscience?*
*hardly. Your conscience is busy trying to make a list of Ms. Brian's redeeming features, and is currently at a standstill.*
*then who the bloody hell are you?*
*I'm your libido. Your mojo. The little voice inside your pants that you always ignore. Well, I'll have you know that I won't stand for it anymore! That little peck from this morning has whet my appetite!*
*stuff it! I have no appetite! I'm a wizard, the idea is repellent.*
*is it, now? we'll see about that, soon enough.* the voice fell silent.
Rincewind felt that he had yet to hear more from his stifled subconscious.
Vetinari stood as Rincewind entered the room, "welcome. Please, sit down." He nodded to Drumknott who exited and closed the door behind him.
Rincewind noticed that while the plate at his seat was piled high, lord Vetinari's was empty, but for several bread-crumbs. Rincewind idly wondered if he had some sort of phobia about other people seeing him eat.
"I feel I have some explaining to do about the incident this morning." he leaned back in his chair and swirled a cup of wine in his hand.
"w-what incident?" squeaked Rincewind with a hysterical chuckle.
Vetinari raised a thin, black eyebrow, "shall I remind you?"
"GAH! Uh, oh, *that* incident, yes, of course, I was wondering about that." He instinctively reached for the closest alcoholic drink, which was his cup of expensive wine.
"do you recall the incident involving Cohen the Barbarian's siege on the Cori Celesti?"
"yes?" answered Rincewind, hoping that he was giving the right one.
"we spoke briefly on that occasion, I'm not sure if you recall. . ."
Rincewind nodded, his mouth full of wine.
"I must admit, you made quite an impression on me, although the conversation was short-lived."
"er, what sort of impression?" asked Rincewind's libido before he could stop it.
*will you stay out of this?*
*not a chance in hell. Look at his eyes.*
*they're half-closed. What about them?*
*he's giving you bedroom-eyes, moron! Now, wink or lick your lips or something! We can't let him lose interest!*
*what's this 'we' you speak of? 'we' are not doing anything, got it?*
*hmph. We'll just see about that.*
"you know, I'm not exactly sure of the cause of this impression." Said Vetinari, placing his cup back on the table, his mouth twisting into another half-smile, "some might call it alchemy or magic. I think the term that fits best is. . . chemistry."
"oh. Er, does it?"
Vetinari nodded, not taking his eyes of the nervous wizard, who was feeling something stirring inside him that he was quite sure wasn't supposed to be stirring. Not for a wizard. The idea was positively improper!
*yeah, but it feels good, don't it?*
*shaddap!*
*you're just dying to know what he looks like without that black robe, aren't you?*
*no! I'm not!*
*don't you just want to rip it off? Find out if he wears cologne?*
*I doubt if he-*
*wonder what color his drawers are?*
*No! I refuse to think about that!!*
*they're probably black. . . hmm, maybe satin. . .*
"don't get me wrong," continued Vetinari, oblivious to Rincewind's internal argument with himself, "this wasn't the principle reason I had you brought here once hearing of the price on your head. However, now that I have you here, I see no reason to let a certain. . . opportunity pass me by. Do you understand?"
*YES!! YES!! GODS, YES!!*
*STICK A SOCK IN IT!!* "w-well I. . ." Rincewind, unable to take his eyes from Vetinari, fiddled nervously with the tie on his robe. He had a sudden, wild urge to ask Vetinari to undo it for him.
Vetinari suddenly stood up, causing Rincewind to jump in his seat. The patrician strode purposefully around the table. As if of their own accord, Rincewind's legs also straightened, bringing him to eye-level with Vetinari. They stood there, noses inches away from each other, for several moments. Then, as if by some unspoken agreement, Vetinari grabbed Rincewind's shoulders and pressed his lips against the wizards, at the same time Rincewind's hands came up to grasp the front of the patrician's robes.
Vetinari's tongue pushed past Rincewind's lips, which parted eagerly. Rincewind found his fingers fumbling at the buttons on Vetinari's collar. The pair, by way of an awkward, four-legged shuffle, managed to get through the door in the back of the room which led into the patrician's sleeping quarters, pausing only for Vetinari to pin Rincewind against the door as he fumbled with the nob. Rincewind had only a moment to admire the richly furnished room before, with one swift movement, he was tossed on his back onto the bed.
"really," he said breathlessly in between kisses, "I wouldn't have figured you for a . . . a wall-hangings type of person. . ."
Vetinari paused thoughtfully, "you know, I did have one of those bare- walled suites for quite some time. the mattress was liken to a rock and it was freezing in the winter. No insulation. I. . . had it redecorated." He raised an eyebrow, "I trust you approve."
Before Rincewind could say that he would approve of a blanket on the floor, Vetinari's mouth engulfed his own once more. As a last, desperate defense against completely losing control, his mind sought for some drawback which would make him regret this move later on. and found it. "wait!" he suddenly cried, bracing his hands against Vetinari's chest, "wizard!"
"what?"
"I mean, I can't! because I'm a wizard! It's just not allowed!" his stomach sank in dissappointment. He really had been looking forward to seeing what Vetinari looked like under that robe. . .
Vetinari snorted at this and sat back, straddling Rincewind's waist. "I see it this way:" he started, calmly, "there are two foremost reasons why a wizard is not allowed to partake in sexual conduct:"
Rincewind idly wondered if Vetinari carried a book of helpful intelligent- sounding phrases around with him. he then realized that a man like Vetinari probably wouldn't need it.
"reason number one: such conduct would be frightfully distracting to a wizard, which might then result in some rather. . . alarming magical developements. Since you're not, at the moment, practicing magic and don't seem to have any long-term plans to, I think you needn't worry about that point."
"and the other one?"
"oh yes, the problem of sourcery. Well, unless one of us is keeping a very big secret, I doubt we have to worry about that."
"oh. So that's it, then?"
"indeed."
"jolly good. Shall we carry on?"
Vetinari answered him by untying Rincewind's robe and pulling it off his shoulders, only to expose another layer of clothing. He gave a feral growl and went about pulling off the various items of clothing which wore Rincewind.
*****************
Rincewind lay prone on the cushions, trembling slightly. Vetinari grabbed his discarded under-shirt and wiped up the milky liquid which coated the insides of Rincewind's legs and his own face and chest.
"well, how did you find it?" he inquired, moving up to lay beside Rincewind.
"guh. . . uh. . . huh. . ."
"that's what I thought. I think perhaps the more. . . intense. . . experimentations should wait until later, hm?"
"uh. . . uuh. . ."
Vetinari covered them both with the thick blankets and kissed Rincewind once more on the mouth before curling up beside him and closing his eyes. No, being the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork surely wasn't all that bad. Not bad at all.
*****************
well, in case you couldn't tell, quite a sizeable chunk of that story was edited out. Which is a shame because I had a lot of fun writing it! as far as erotic scenes go, this one is rather silly, involving four spectators of varying interests in the proceedings. No, the unabridged version isn't on my site yet, it will go up once the story is finished, then I'll be sending out the email.
As usual, I'm going to whine and carry on until I get reviews. This means YOU!! go! Review! Now! quick! Now! review! Go! Review! Quick! Now! now! review! Before the '!' key on my keyboard breaks!
by Tinselcat
Summary: Rincewind ponders his situation and Vetinari gets horny
Rated: R for sexual situations
Disclaimer: Rincewind, The Luggage, Ankh-Morpork, Samuel Vimes, Angua Von Uberwald, Drumknott Death and his horse Binky are all creations and property of Terry Pratchett. No profit is being obtained from use of these characters. Brian and Osten are my creations and property.
Notes: sorry it's been so long between updates, I was finishing up another story, and had to get it done. Now that it is, I can focus more on this fic, although I'm not quite sure where it's going. Ah well, I'll figure it out. Anyway, enjoy.
**********************
Rincewind wandered aimlessly in the palace garden. He seriously doubted that the Patrician ever took the time to enjoy it, but that aspect of Lord Vetinari was one that couldn't be further from his mind.
"he kissed me. . ." murmured Rincewind for the umpteenth time that day, causing his stoic guard to give him an uncharacteristic confused look. Rincewind suddenly turned to the guard, which for reasons undiscovered, unsettled the large man greatly, "what if it was some sort of political code for something? Like a handshake, or an assassination." Rincewind mused to the guard's pectoral muscles. The skinny wizard turned around and began walking again. He stopped suddenly, his guard almost running into him. "what if it means he's going to kill me? what if I'm going to die after all?!" Rincewind's voice cracked with panic, and he gave a startled scream at an equally startled granite statue of a nymph.
It was at this time that his reverie was interrupted that he noticed a very distincive sound, one that he would never, for the rest of his life, be able to mistake for anything else. It wasn't the luggage, however.
"I'M looking over, a four leaf CLOVER, that IIIIIII over-looked be- *gasp* FOOOOOOOORE!"
Rincewind, with mounting horror, crept toward the bush out of which the abhorrent sound seemed to be coming.
"ONE leaf for SUN-SHIIIINE, the other for *gasp* RAAAAAAIIIIN!! One for the FLOWERS that grow in the *gasp* LAAAAAAAANE!!!"
he rounded the bush and found, sitting contentedly on a stone bench on the other side, mercilessly mutilating a small harp, the familiar shortness of Brianna Lucretia Marita Gregarious Etcetera.
"b-Brian?" he asked, in the minuscule hope that he was hallucinating.
"RINCE-wind!!" she shrieked happily as she swiveled to look at him.
"w-what. . . what. . . you. . . bloody hell. . ."
she hopped up and grinned, "oh, didn't I mention to you that I had a friend I stayed with whenever I was in Ankh-Morpork?"
"and that friend is. . ."
"Lucky."
"is he?"
"No, that's his nickname. It's short for Havelock."
Rincewind felt faint, "Havelock. . ."
"Vetinari, of course, don't you keep up with politics? I thought he was supposed to have lunch with you or something."
"er, well, yes. . ."
"how was it?"
"oh, just fine." He suddenly gave himself a mental slap across the face. "Wait, what the hell are you doing calling the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork 'Lucky'?!"
"well, because it annoys him."
"but. . . but how would you possibly be put into a position where that would become an option in the first place?!" he was nearly hysterical at this point and felt the enormous burden of resisting the desire to wring Brian's neck.
"oh, well, I found this dreadful old clock for one of Lucky's advisors, and he hired me when his dog wandered out of the palace and got lost. Took me forever to find the smelly little bugger too. You'd think that finding a short-sighted, ugly, smelly dog would be easy. Well, let me tell you a few things about the Ankh-Morpork city watch, goodness, are they ever touchy about invasions on their turf, and what with that werewolf on the watch, you'd think they wanted to scare people off. Maybe that's the point after all, I mean, you do have to be intimidating for some job like that, right?" she stared up at Rincewind, whose eyes had gone blank. "right? right?"
Rincewind shook his head. "oh, er, right, of course." He realized he forgot what his original question was, and found that he really didn't want to pursue it, as far as it meant listening to the short maniac any longer. He abruptly turned around and started to walk away.
To his extreme chagrin, she followed him. "I'm going out later today to pay homage to the goddess Knut at her temple. I don't think she's very well known. She's the goddess of things-that-you-need-in-a-hurry-but-can't-find- no-matter-how-hard-you-look-so-you-have-to-go-to-your-engagement-without-it- and-are-subsequently-late-but-it-turns-up-a-week-later-in-your-underwear- drawer."
"oh." Grunted Rincewind, entertaining the notion of seppuku.
"her husband's temple is on the opposite side of the courtyard to hers. His name is Kase. He's the god of sock-that-has-no-pair-that-you-don't-throw- away-because-you-think-you-still-might-find-the-other-one-so-it-just-sort- of-sits-there. You know what happens when they make passionate love?"
"nugh." Rincewind wondered how hard it would be to impale himself on a bush.
"well, when they make passionate love, they combine into one great, sexless deity called," she took a deep breath and clasped her hands to her heart, "Knut-Kase."
"so's yer mum."
"what was that?"
"nothing."
"oh. So, anyway, they become this great god Knut-Kase, but eventually it gets in a row with itself, and they separate again until the next time they make passionate love."
Rincewind was tentatively curious about what Knut-Kase was the deity of, but decided that he was probably better off not knowing.
"soooo, how was breakfast with the Patrician, hmmm?" she skipped along beside him, giving him a slight nudge in the ribs.
"um. . . fine. . ."
"nothing. . . unexpected happened, did it?"
"n-no."
"you sure?"
"yes."
"real sure?"
"yes."
"positively sure?"
"yes."
"absolutely su-"
"YES!!"
"well, there's no reason to yell about it, I was just asking." She sniffed. "anyway, I should get going. As the day goes on, the priests of Knut tend to get confused, so it's best to get there either early, or late, unless you want to end up holding their sacred staffs for them while they rummage around in search of the Fated Incense of Time." she winked at him "have a nice. . . evening. . ." sniggering to herself, she turned and walked into a bush. She swore several times, untangled herself, picked a couple sticks from her hair, and wandered off, eventually ending up in another bush, as it turned out.
Rincewind, casting periodic furtive glances toward his guard, wandered about the palace in search of his quarters. After several hours, he managed to find it and, giving the guard a suspicious look to make sure that he wouldn't follow him in, entered his room and flopped in a chair. He idly wondered what was to become of him. Whatever it was, he probably wouldn't like it. He never liked it. Something bad was always happening to him. Things never changed in that respect.
Though, throughout the rest of his calm afternoon, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was wrong.
*******************
"Lord Vetinari wishes that you dine with him again tonight. He expects you have more questions, and regrets that your conversation this morning had to be cut short by pressing matters of state." drumnknott had managed to say the entire thing without looking at Rincewind.
Rincewind grumbled something unintelligable, but stood up and followed the man. He could tell that they were once more heading toward Vetinari's chambers. His mind immediately jumped back to that startling kiss. What the hell had that been about, anyway? Was he about to find out?
*hallo, there.* came a voice from inside his head.
*what? Who are you?* he answered back.
*guess.*
*err. . . my conscience?*
*hardly. Your conscience is busy trying to make a list of Ms. Brian's redeeming features, and is currently at a standstill.*
*then who the bloody hell are you?*
*I'm your libido. Your mojo. The little voice inside your pants that you always ignore. Well, I'll have you know that I won't stand for it anymore! That little peck from this morning has whet my appetite!*
*stuff it! I have no appetite! I'm a wizard, the idea is repellent.*
*is it, now? we'll see about that, soon enough.* the voice fell silent.
Rincewind felt that he had yet to hear more from his stifled subconscious.
Vetinari stood as Rincewind entered the room, "welcome. Please, sit down." He nodded to Drumknott who exited and closed the door behind him.
Rincewind noticed that while the plate at his seat was piled high, lord Vetinari's was empty, but for several bread-crumbs. Rincewind idly wondered if he had some sort of phobia about other people seeing him eat.
"I feel I have some explaining to do about the incident this morning." he leaned back in his chair and swirled a cup of wine in his hand.
"w-what incident?" squeaked Rincewind with a hysterical chuckle.
Vetinari raised a thin, black eyebrow, "shall I remind you?"
"GAH! Uh, oh, *that* incident, yes, of course, I was wondering about that." He instinctively reached for the closest alcoholic drink, which was his cup of expensive wine.
"do you recall the incident involving Cohen the Barbarian's siege on the Cori Celesti?"
"yes?" answered Rincewind, hoping that he was giving the right one.
"we spoke briefly on that occasion, I'm not sure if you recall. . ."
Rincewind nodded, his mouth full of wine.
"I must admit, you made quite an impression on me, although the conversation was short-lived."
"er, what sort of impression?" asked Rincewind's libido before he could stop it.
*will you stay out of this?*
*not a chance in hell. Look at his eyes.*
*they're half-closed. What about them?*
*he's giving you bedroom-eyes, moron! Now, wink or lick your lips or something! We can't let him lose interest!*
*what's this 'we' you speak of? 'we' are not doing anything, got it?*
*hmph. We'll just see about that.*
"you know, I'm not exactly sure of the cause of this impression." Said Vetinari, placing his cup back on the table, his mouth twisting into another half-smile, "some might call it alchemy or magic. I think the term that fits best is. . . chemistry."
"oh. Er, does it?"
Vetinari nodded, not taking his eyes of the nervous wizard, who was feeling something stirring inside him that he was quite sure wasn't supposed to be stirring. Not for a wizard. The idea was positively improper!
*yeah, but it feels good, don't it?*
*shaddap!*
*you're just dying to know what he looks like without that black robe, aren't you?*
*no! I'm not!*
*don't you just want to rip it off? Find out if he wears cologne?*
*I doubt if he-*
*wonder what color his drawers are?*
*No! I refuse to think about that!!*
*they're probably black. . . hmm, maybe satin. . .*
"don't get me wrong," continued Vetinari, oblivious to Rincewind's internal argument with himself, "this wasn't the principle reason I had you brought here once hearing of the price on your head. However, now that I have you here, I see no reason to let a certain. . . opportunity pass me by. Do you understand?"
*YES!! YES!! GODS, YES!!*
*STICK A SOCK IN IT!!* "w-well I. . ." Rincewind, unable to take his eyes from Vetinari, fiddled nervously with the tie on his robe. He had a sudden, wild urge to ask Vetinari to undo it for him.
Vetinari suddenly stood up, causing Rincewind to jump in his seat. The patrician strode purposefully around the table. As if of their own accord, Rincewind's legs also straightened, bringing him to eye-level with Vetinari. They stood there, noses inches away from each other, for several moments. Then, as if by some unspoken agreement, Vetinari grabbed Rincewind's shoulders and pressed his lips against the wizards, at the same time Rincewind's hands came up to grasp the front of the patrician's robes.
Vetinari's tongue pushed past Rincewind's lips, which parted eagerly. Rincewind found his fingers fumbling at the buttons on Vetinari's collar. The pair, by way of an awkward, four-legged shuffle, managed to get through the door in the back of the room which led into the patrician's sleeping quarters, pausing only for Vetinari to pin Rincewind against the door as he fumbled with the nob. Rincewind had only a moment to admire the richly furnished room before, with one swift movement, he was tossed on his back onto the bed.
"really," he said breathlessly in between kisses, "I wouldn't have figured you for a . . . a wall-hangings type of person. . ."
Vetinari paused thoughtfully, "you know, I did have one of those bare- walled suites for quite some time. the mattress was liken to a rock and it was freezing in the winter. No insulation. I. . . had it redecorated." He raised an eyebrow, "I trust you approve."
Before Rincewind could say that he would approve of a blanket on the floor, Vetinari's mouth engulfed his own once more. As a last, desperate defense against completely losing control, his mind sought for some drawback which would make him regret this move later on. and found it. "wait!" he suddenly cried, bracing his hands against Vetinari's chest, "wizard!"
"what?"
"I mean, I can't! because I'm a wizard! It's just not allowed!" his stomach sank in dissappointment. He really had been looking forward to seeing what Vetinari looked like under that robe. . .
Vetinari snorted at this and sat back, straddling Rincewind's waist. "I see it this way:" he started, calmly, "there are two foremost reasons why a wizard is not allowed to partake in sexual conduct:"
Rincewind idly wondered if Vetinari carried a book of helpful intelligent- sounding phrases around with him. he then realized that a man like Vetinari probably wouldn't need it.
"reason number one: such conduct would be frightfully distracting to a wizard, which might then result in some rather. . . alarming magical developements. Since you're not, at the moment, practicing magic and don't seem to have any long-term plans to, I think you needn't worry about that point."
"and the other one?"
"oh yes, the problem of sourcery. Well, unless one of us is keeping a very big secret, I doubt we have to worry about that."
"oh. So that's it, then?"
"indeed."
"jolly good. Shall we carry on?"
Vetinari answered him by untying Rincewind's robe and pulling it off his shoulders, only to expose another layer of clothing. He gave a feral growl and went about pulling off the various items of clothing which wore Rincewind.
*****************
Rincewind lay prone on the cushions, trembling slightly. Vetinari grabbed his discarded under-shirt and wiped up the milky liquid which coated the insides of Rincewind's legs and his own face and chest.
"well, how did you find it?" he inquired, moving up to lay beside Rincewind.
"guh. . . uh. . . huh. . ."
"that's what I thought. I think perhaps the more. . . intense. . . experimentations should wait until later, hm?"
"uh. . . uuh. . ."
Vetinari covered them both with the thick blankets and kissed Rincewind once more on the mouth before curling up beside him and closing his eyes. No, being the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork surely wasn't all that bad. Not bad at all.
*****************
well, in case you couldn't tell, quite a sizeable chunk of that story was edited out. Which is a shame because I had a lot of fun writing it! as far as erotic scenes go, this one is rather silly, involving four spectators of varying interests in the proceedings. No, the unabridged version isn't on my site yet, it will go up once the story is finished, then I'll be sending out the email.
As usual, I'm going to whine and carry on until I get reviews. This means YOU!! go! Review! Now! quick! Now! review! Go! Review! Quick! Now! now! review! Before the '!' key on my keyboard breaks!