Beloved
AN: Hey! Well, I have chapter seven of my gundam fic out, so I think it's okay to work on this one. The thanks are going to be at the end of the chapter, just as they are on all my fics. I am glad people enjoyed the first chapter.
Warnings: Cursing, and suicide…but I didn't need to tell you that did I? This is in Bulma's POV. Oh and Goku is alive, just to let you know. Although this takes place after Cell and he should be dead, in my fic he's alive.
Disclaimer: I don't own dragon ball z or Slipknot's "Diluted" I had a hard time choosing between this song and "Wait and Bleed" another song of Slipknot's. Both are really good, and fit this chapter perfectly. I just think that "Diluted" fits it a tad bit better than "Wait and Bleed"
Chapter Two: The Pain I Feel…
It was a frosty January morning, so cold that even the Saiyan Prince decided to stay inside for the morning, and allow the day to heat up before moving to the gravity room to train. Of course, the bastard would never say that aloud or even in our bond. I think to myself. I don't know how I could have become so mixed up in him and everything that comes with him. There is just so much extra shit that I have to deal with. More than I ever imagined.
And Trunks certainly doesn't help the situation any. Not that I asked for a son, or that I would have killed him any more than Vegeta would have let me. Who would have thought that he could care about anyone beside himself? Then again, he maintained that he needed an heir and that the child was his, and no 'human whore will destroy anything of mine.' I scowled a very good impersonation of the man on my mind.
When had things become so complicated? When he came, him and his kind. I think scowling even more. Everything was just fine and dandy before Raditz shows up flipping the universe upside down, on HIS orders. It all went back to him, as it always did. He was the cause of every single ounce of pain and suffering I have endured these past few years. In the beginning, he meant to do it of course, being the evil Saiyan that he was. Now, he claims that he would never hurt me, yet he has, more than he will ever know.
He has never hit me, I'll give him that. He has never laid a hand on me, or forced me to do anything I wasn't willing to do. So maybe to him, hurt is only physical. One would think that with this 'bond' we have that I would be happy. I finally have a man who can read my emotions and feelings, yet I have the one man who wouldn't know how to calm a crying child, unless he could just blast the damn thing. That was his answer for everything, blast it to hell. Or eat it. Oh, and then we have the good old, ignore it.
Yea, ignore it. I was familiar with that one. One would think that a gorgeous blue-hared genius would get a little attention in her own home. But no…not in this gorgeous, blue-hared, genius's house. Of course my son gave me attention, he was after all only a child. But, then again, that was only when he wanted something. The same went for my husband…no mate…no I don't know what to call the man that fathered my child, lives in my house, and has reduced me to just the shell of my former self. I don't even know if man is the right word to describe him.
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I'm cold, I'm ugly
I'm always confused by everything
I can stare into a thousand eyes
But every smile hides a bold-faced lie
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Why couldn't I just be happy? It doesn't sound too hard, or too much of a task for someone like me does it? To just smile and welcome the next day with open arms. But I can't. I haven't been able to in a long time. I don't know why either. I mean, I don't have a horrible life in normal minds. I'm not living on the streets, hell, I'm far from it, being the richest woman on the whole damn planet. I have one of the strongest men in the universe as a…like I said I'm not sure what he is but he would protect me from any evil aliens, that was for sure.
~But can he protect you from yourself?~ the tiny voice in the deepest recesses of my mind spoke, unwanted. ~What about your monsters and aliens that plague you? Does he worry himself over the threats that cannot be seen?~
"Shut up." I whisper to my little voice. Not that it's going to work and not that talking to it is going to make me feel any better either. I could imagine Vegeta's face if he found out I was having a conversation with a voice in my head. Speaking of the devil, I feel his presence behind me. "Too cold to train?" I say to him mockingly. I know it will only goad him into an argument. I could use the distraction.
"Watch your tongue wench." It worked. I knew he wouldn't be able to resist a blow to his precious ego. My back is still to him, so I don't feel worried that he'll catch the evil little smirk dancing on the corners of my mouth. So I wasn't totally unhappy, I loved to torment the poor lost prince. Of course, evil torment only took you so far on the happy scale before it was time for a new hobby.
"And just what do you plan to do until this bitter cold passes, allowing the dear prince access to his little machine that lays in the clutches of the evil cold wind?" I ask, my smirk moving from ear to ear. Oh, how I loved to irritate the hell out of him.
"Woman you would do wise to hold your tongue in my presence, if you know what's good for you." He is growling now, trying to hold in his anger and failing miserably. Oh how he hates to fail, I think gleefully. My glee soon turns to confusion, since when did I get such enjoyment out of other's torment? More specifically his? I finally turn around to face him and am shocked to see a hint of a smile making it's way across his lips. I raise my eyebrow in bewilderment. I mock him and he smiles?
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It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes
My heros are dead; they died in my head
Thin out the herd, squeeze out the pain
Something inside me has opened up again
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"Why are you smiling?"
"Am I?" He asked, his smile widening a bit at each wisp of fire that shoots through my eyes.
"Yes." I say through clenched teeth.
"Oh, I hadn't noticed." He said dismissively. He began to walk away, towards the front door.
"Where are you going?" I say, and immediately kick myself for sounding so interested. I see him stop and can feel the smudginess rolling off him in waves. He knows that he was won this round. But I'm not giving up just yet.
"Why do you care?"
"I don't." I say turning back to look out the window. Now we'll see who caves first. My resolve is a lot stronger than it used to be. ~It also helps that you really don't care, doesn't it?~ There's that annoying voice again. I growl to myself. Why can't I just be left in peace? Even my own mind will not grant that silent request. I wait no more than ten minutes before I hear him speak again. I turn, slightly startled. I thought he had left. Oh well, round two just ended and the victor is me.
"I'm going training, woman." He said with a sigh. I smile at him, making sure he knows that I know I won.
"Really?" I said, turning my look into one of expressionless beauty. "That's nice." I turn back to look out the window, congratulating myself on my victory. But I suddenly stop my thoughts. Why is everything with that man a war? Do I really want to be congratulating myself on small, insignificant, verbal victories? Or have him hold me in his arms and profess his love to me?
"What is so funny?" he asks at my sudden out burst of laughter. I can't help myself. I think…wait I know that I'll be long dead before Vegeta ever holds anything tenderly and professes his love to anyone but himself. No, there are no such things as knight's in shining armor. That's just a stupid fantasy of mine that has been crushed one too many times, for my faith in romantic men to stay intact.
"Nothing, Veggie. Just go train." I said, again turning to look out the window. I don't know why though, there is nothing but coldness, death, and stormy skies. Maybe the winter reminds me of my heart, in the torrent of emotions it's in right now.
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Thoughts of me exemplified
All the little flaws I have denied
Forget today, forget whatever happened
Everyday I see a little more of overall deficiencies
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophe
************************************************
I paused in my thoughts as something that Vegeta had said just seemed to register in my mind. Something that made even me stop in the midst of my thoughts, not something easily accomplished. "What did you say?" I feel him smile, so he meant for me to hear it after all. Oh well, I mentally shrugged, if it's what I thought he said, he's got more than a few words coming his way.
"I said, I'll do just that. Not that a weak human such as yourself could withstand the cold without me there to protect you." He repeated smirking the whole time. I can feel my blood boiling. Weak human, he says! Hah, I'll show him weak.
"Fine…" I growl. "I accept." He looks at me confused.
"Accept what?"
"Your challenge." I remark. I stalk past him and throw open the large storm door. I am immediately blasted with the chilly, no down right freezing winds. I can see…and feel a storm brewing, and it wasn't the one raging behind me either.
"I never issued such a challenge." He thundered, trying to close the door, but I would not allow him, I simply floated outside with a grace I never knew I possessed. I was clad only in my flannel, longsleeve nightgown, and slippers. Vegeta stormed outside after me. He grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "Do you have a death wish?" when I did not respond he looked at me harder "Do you want to die?"
"Would that be so bad?" I asked before I even thought of the words that came out of my mouth, and what they meant. He looked visibly shocked.
"What?" I shrugged, the cold getting to me, but I wasn't about to tell him that.
"Nothing, just leave me alone." He smiled down at me.
"No my little women, I can't do that. You are pigheaded and would not turn around and march your weak little ass back in the house, so I must do it for you." He threw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and proceeded to walk the short trek back to the safety of Capsule Corp. heating, with me pounding on his back the entire time. Once I was safely deposited in my room, he turned to leave.
"Wait!" I called out to him. He turned to me in confusion. "Why…why didn't you just leave me out there?" I ask quietly.
"Why would I leave my property out in the snow? I own you woman, and if I have to remind you of that every day than so be it." He walked over to me and stuck his face right in mine. "I. Own. You." He enunciated each word, progressively becoming more venomous. I know I must have looked shocked; I sure as hell felt shocked. He left the room before I could recover and hurl another insult at him.
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What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?
I save all the bullets from ignorant minds
Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind
Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens
I decrease, while my symptoms increase
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A possession. That's all he thinks I am? That thought hurt me more than it ought to. Why did life have to suck so much? ~That's it, take your vengeance.~ that little voice was back. "How do you mean?" I asked myself. I couldn't believe I was sitting in my room, soaked to the bone from the snow, shivering to death and yet here I was talking to myself. ~You know what I mean…~ Did I? Did I know what means of vengeance would be enough to end my torment and enhance his?
"A fucking possession!" I screamed to myself. Wait…that's it. I knew what I would do. It was Vegeta's own idea…I would kill myself. I know, I know, some revenge if you're not alive to see it…but, that didn't matter to me anymore. I was too hurt to care. Yes, let him insult me, let him do whatever the hell he pleased. It wouldn't matter. I would plan it all out. He had to be the one to find me, it wouldn't work any other way, and I only had one chance to do it right.
"How though?" I said aloud. I needed it to be quick enough should he come earlier that it wouldn't matter, but slow enough that he could feel the panic through the bond. I also had to let him know that it was me who did it, that I was the one who ended my pain. I could always leave a note, but it would be much better if told him myself, which brought me back to the first problem, how would I do it?
Drowning was out of the question. That could just be written off as an accident. No…the idea of hanging myself wasn't too appealing either. I needed to be able to speak. Hmm, I could always shoot myself. Although, it could be over too soon. Then again, I could always feign panic then shoot myself once I felt him coming…yes, it was a possibility.
I could try an overdose on some medication or another, but that was too unpredictable and had a greater survival rate, or a quicker death sentence. No…I think I will go with the shooting idea. That way he could have my blood on his hands, so he would know that he was in some part responsible. Yes, it was perfect. I began to laugh like a maniac. I suppose I was one, planning my death with such…happiness.
I began to hum to myself as I changed out of my wet clothes. There was no point in getting sick now and ruining the fun later. I skipped over to the bathroom and quickly showered. I dressed in blue jeans and a blue sweater. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, after brushing out the knots. I continued humming whatever song that was in my mind, and continued my daily routine. Nothing could look out of the ordinary.
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God what the fuck is wrong
You act like you knew it all along
Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing
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I needn't worry about Vegeta figuring out what I was up to. Even with the bond, it would be impossible. I had erected a mental wall around my mind and heart after I learned that Vegeta would never use the ticket he had properly. That was also about the time I gave up on everything around me. I guess I have been drawing towards this for a long time. I'm not depressed, at least I don't think I am. I'm happy, it's just the things that I take pleasure in were not meant to be good or fun.
Torment, pain, anguish, and death. Everything people avoid feeling, except me. I love to take it and dish it out. Well, not so much the taking as the dishing out, but there is this rush of adrenaline that courses through my veins at every harsh word, or cold look given to me. I don't even think that Vegeta in all his tolerance to pain could endure as much as I. He doesn't realize how strong I am.
No one does, I think rather caustically. They always underestimate me. They always have. I don't think I've ever been given one straight, no shit answer when it came to anything. I always received the sugar-coated version. Damn them! Didn't they think I was strong enough to handle it? I guess I did act like a brat, and that I would cry at the slightest hint of bad news, but that was all in effort to hide myself, to hide who I was. I guess it worked too well, because in all that hiding I lost myself as well.
I no longer know the Bulma that I was as a child. I was forced to be strong, and I am. Stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I'm a brick wall when it comes to feelings and emotions. Nothing moves me anymore, nothing. The last time I smiled a truly happy smile…was probably Trunk's birth. When I first saw his face, I was amazed that I could bring something so pure, so innocent into this world. I was amazed that he wasn't like the monster I had become.
I couldn't allow my son to grow up with a monster for a mother. He would be better off with none. So I lied. I do care about one thing. That is my son. This is all for him. Of course, the look on his father's face will be well worth it, but it's just an added bonus. Maybe, if by some miracle I'm allowed into heaven I can watch my boy grow into the man he should be. I am not the mother that Mirai Trunks had. Nor will I ever be. I just hope that my Trunks turns out as well with his father raising him.
That would be just like Vegeta to mess up Trunk's life just to hurt me. I wouldn't put it passed him. But, however he will be raised, even with Vegeta is ten times better than if I raised him. I would destroy him. I can't bear that, despite any other emotional pain I have been forced to endure in my life, I could not bear his disappointment in me. I had to do this; it was my only option.
***********************************************
All I ever wanted out of you was
something you could never be
Now take a real good look at
What you've fucking done to me
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?
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It wasn't always this way. I had hope once. I think we're all born with hope, and love, I just lost mine a long time ago. That's the only reason I was looking for a boyfriend on my dragon ball hunt as a child, because I had given up hope in finding someone outside of magic. Well I did, I found Vegeta, or more he found me. I don't even remember how we got together, I try not to dwell in the past…but I do remember that he gave me my hope back. He was my shining star, my ladder to hang on to for safety.
That image was quickly shattered. I guess I expected too much of him. He didn't change. Sure his words weren't as cruel, and some of the venom had left his viper like tongue…but the hate and malice were still there. I kept telling myself that he only needed time, time to heal everything he had gone through and learn to be happy with Trunk's and I. I learned the hard way that I cannot wait for him any longer. Five years is a long damn time to wait for the love I've been missing for twenty-six years.
I gave him everything until I had nothing left to give, and still I gave. I never took; I asked but never took what he wasn't willing to give. That changed once Trunk's turned one. I figured if he hadn't changed by then, he never would. I was right. At least he won't in my lifetime. I slowly hardened myself, inside and out against everything he threw at me. I guess he figured I was used to him because I stopped crying when he would insult Trunks, or me. It was quite the opposite; I just stopped caring period.
I could never force myself to care again. It hurts too much to care, and if Vegeta cares anything about me, he will find out exactly how much it hurts to care. I awaken from my thoughts to find that I have yet to leave my room. I shake my head before walking out of my room and heading towards my lab. I might as well get a few things in order first. I punched in the code that would allow me access to my life for the past thirty years or so.
A simple code really. Eight, fifteen, sixteen, five. If you took which letter in the alphabet they stand for it spells, H…O…P…E… Something I lost but dreamed to find in my inventions. I never did, so the code served as nothing but a constant reminder of my failure. But, I deserve to remember what a failure I had become; it only made my job easier. The first step, would be my will. I had to draw it up myself, I couldn't have anyone become suspicious and try to stop me.
I only required a lawyer and two witnesses. I could easily grab two unsuspecting people off the streets and have them sign as witnesses, they weren't the problem. The problem was where was I going to find a lawyer that wouldn't love to turn my story over to the tabloids? 'Bulma Briefs Draws Up Will, In Secret Meeting.' Yes I could see it now; it was something I did not look forward too. I would just go to the lowest, most honest fool on the ladder I could find. Someone that still believed in hard work and the system. A fresh graduate perhaps.
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Gimme any reason why I'd need you, boy
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, bitch
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
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By the time that I had finished hunting down a lawyer, drawing up the will and purchasing the gun, three weeks had passed since I first decided to kill myself. To say that I was having doubts would have been an understatement. I was thoroughly convinced that if Vegeta did just one nice thing to either Trunks or I in the next few days I would call the whole thing off. And a part of me pleaded with him every time I set eyes on him, to just compliment my food, or my hair, or say how proud he is of Trunks. Even just looking like he cared would have worked for me. Anything.
I waited and I waited and I waited. Nothing, for two days, not one kind word, or even one look of appreciation. This only steeled my resolved to go ahead with my plan. My doubts were quickly fading. My wall had rebuilt itself and ten times stronger. Nothing was going to stop me now. I would do it on Friday. I thought looking at my calendar, while sitting back in my chair in my lab. Today was Tuesday; yes Friday would be perfect. I wasn't even going to say goodbye to anyone. I didn't want to tip anyone off that something was wrong.
"Woman." Vegeta's voice interrupted my whirling mind. I looked over at him, not trying to hide the fact that I was pissed at the interruption.
"What?" I growled.
"The gravity room is broken."
"Mmmhmm." I said returning my gaze to the papers on my desk. "And what did you want me to do about that?"
"Fix it." He said it like it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because…I am…"
"The Saiyan Prince who deserves respect…yadda yadda yadda. Tell me something I don't know." I said still not turning to face him. He sputtered like the fool he was.
"Because woman, you made it, so you fix it."
"Uh, uh. You broke it, so you fix it." I said with a smile. He marched over to my desk and spun me around in my chair. He lifted me by my neck effortlessly. I remained calm, for once. It's truly amazing how unafraid you become when you plan to kill yourself anyway. Vegeta's resolve slipped a bit when he saw that I wasn't scared.
"Fix it, now." He growled instead. I shook my head, or tried to anyway.
"No way in hell." I whispered, seeing in how it was all I could do with his death grip on my neck.
"Well someone has grown a pair." He snarled. I snarled right back.
"Nothing I haven't had all along." I sneered. He snorted and dropped me.
"Right woman, whatever you say. Just have it fixed by morning." I did. I fixed it later after dinner, just like he knew I would. I should have just refused him, but…I didn't want him mad at me, and have him taking off for months at a time. I was doing it Friday; nothing was going to stop me. Besides, I had to stick to my routine, and my routine included bending to that jerks every whim.
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I see you in me
I keep my scars from prying eyes
Incapable of ever knowing why
Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer
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Unfortunately I forgot that tomorrow was the get together we had planned with the whole Z gang. I sighed from my spot in my bed. It was approaching midnight, but I could not sleep. Vegeta lay next to me, sound asleep and dreaming of whatever he dreams about every night. Three more days…well two more. I amended after looking at my clock. It read 12:05 AM. It was Wednesday, technically.
I couldn't wait until Friday. If I could make it through today, I was home free. Not that I feared that I wouldn't; I had this act down tight. I should, I've only been doing it for close to a year and half now. I was a pro at hiding my feelings, and appearing happy. I wouldn't have to pretend too hard this time, I truly was happy because I was so close to my goal.
The next thing I remember is Vegeta shaking me awake about seven hours later. Damn Saiyan, I was in the middle of a very nice dream. Everything had gone to plan and I was watching Vegeta cry his eyes out over me. Yes, a very nice dream indeed. "What do you want?" I growled, still not a morning person.
"It's time to wake up. The idiots are coming over, soon." Even after everything they've been through together, Vegeta still insisted on insulting my friends. Well, old friends, I don't know who they were to me either. It just annoyed the hell out of me that Vegeta felt he could insult whomever he wanted. I growled again. "Hey, don't look at me like that. You're the one who invited them over, woman."
"No I didn't." I scowled. I wouldn't be that stupid. Gathering everyone for a picnic two days before I did it? No way. It was Chi Chi's idea, she felt that we were all drifting apart after Cell. "It was Chi Chi's idea." I maintained. He snorted.
"Same difference. Get up, I want my breakfast."
"Have my mother make it. I have a lot of things to do, and making you breakfast is not on my list of things to do today."
"They left a few hours ago woman." He growled. I was confused until I remembered that this was the day they left for their science convention halfway across the country. It was why I had chosen this Friday. Dad would be in the middle of one of his seminars by then, and mom would be busy shopping or at the spa, both too busy to worry with calling and checking up on me.
The party was in full swing nearly six hours after Vegeta literally pulled me out of bed so that I would make his breakfast. "Damn jerk." I mumbled to myself.
"What was that?" Chi Chi asked me. I shook my head.
"Nothing, nevermind." Chi Chi nodded, still not believing me. Oh, well, I could just chalk it up to annoying men. Chi Chi wouldn't argue with me on that one, seeing in how her husband and Vegeta were out sparring with each other during what was supposed to be a time off to relax. Chi Chi continued to prattle on and on about whatever it was she was talking about. I just nodded and said "uh huh" every so often. I checked my watch, it was only about 1:00 PM, they wouldn't start to leave for another five hours, and even then, most would stay longer.
Why did I have to agree to this right now? I was in no mood to be socializing and making with the happy face. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep forever. Great…I thought with a growl, the depression and utter despair had sunk in early. I turned to Chi Chi who had long since stopped talking and was starring at me in concern. "Are you okay?" she asked me; I could easily see the pity on her face. I didn't want pity damn it!
"I'm fine, Chi, I just have this major headache, and his highness didn't help it very much this morning. Really, that's all it is." Chi Chi still looked at me warily but she seemed to buy it.
"Okay, I know how annoying those Saiyan men can be sometimes." She said with a laugh. I only joined in, realizing I had better start acting happier. I couldn't chance any more slip ups, like I just had with Chi Chi. The next few hours seemed to blur together into one big headache. I had lied earlier to Chi Chi, when I told her my head hurt, but now it was no lie. All the smiling, laughing, and…just plan happiness was driving me insane. Kurrian and his family had left about an hour ago. Yamcha, Puar, Tien, Chotsu, Oolong, and Master Roshi had just left a few minutes ago. It was just the Sons, Piccolo and my family left.
Another hour later, Piccolo finally decided he had enough and took Gohan with him. Trunks and Goten were still packing everything that Trunk's would need for his little excursion he had planed. Well, in reality I had put the idea in his head. I wanted him far away when I did it, so I had convinced Chi Chi into letting the two boys spend some time with Goku, camping or something of the sort. It didn't matter to me what it was as long as it kept them out of the house.
"I'm ready mommy, can we leave now? We want to go get our spot set up!" Trunks said eagerly. I smiled down at him. I never had to fake my happiness when he was around. I picked him up and hugged him tightly, knowing that it would be my last time doing it…ever.
"Of course dear. Come, let us go say goodbye to everyone, then you can leave." I carried him over to where Goku and Vegeta were. They had just gotten in from training, and both were smirking. I shook my head. Saiyans…I would never understand them. "Hey Goku, Trunks and Goten are eager to leave, I can't hold out on these two ever." It was the truth, there was nothing I wouldn't give them.
"Sure." Goku said with a smile. I put Trunks down and hugged Goku quickly.
"Thanks for doing this on such short notice. Trunk's has been wanting to do this for awhile now."
"No problem Bulma. I'm happy to do it. Come on boys, let's go." They didn't need to be told twice, they bolted out the door, loaded up and ready to camp. They immediately took off for their favorite spot, Goku quickly trailing him. I turned to see Chi Chi scowling.
"Stupid husband, leaving me here alone." I laughed, it was a very Goku like thing to do, go off and leave his wife stranded with no way of getting home.
"Don't worry. Vegeta will take you home, won't you Vegeta?" I glare at him, daring him to say no. He growls, but sighs anyway.
"Fine, but you owe me woman." Chi Chi doesn't look too happy with the arrangement either. I smile at her.
"Go, don't worry, everything will be fine." She nods and hugs me quickly before Vegeta scoops her up and flies her back to her house in the mountains.
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Why am I so fascinated by
bigger pictures, better things
But I don't care what you think
You'll never understand me
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?
FUCK!!!
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I'm alone. I realize with a smile. Forget Friday, I would never get a better chance than this. I race to my lab and quickly punch in the code. Once the door slides open, I run in and immediately go to my secret hiding place. Childish, yes, but its served its purpose many times. I push my desk back the few feet I needed, and raise the floorboards under the desk. I pull out the small brown box that is sitting in the hole between the ground and the floorboards.
Opening the box, I remove my will, and the gun. I check the chamber and sure enough, it's still loaded. Not that I thought it wasn't going to be. I look at the gun and am surprised to find that my hands are shaking. "Now is not the time to loose your nerve girl!" I scolded myself. I put the floorboards back and pushed the desk back to its rightful place. I left the lab, turning around looking into the place that was my home for so long.
Sitting on a table were several inventions I never finished. One was an enhanced dragon radar, another a new capsule model, that held the newest air car. And finally, my pride and joy, my baby. My newest advancement in home security sat on the table, unfinished and calling out to me. It was a new type of gun that shot a force field bubble that would disable the person hit with it, from moving. There was also another setting that would allow it to block anything from entering.
Of course, the evil ways that it could be used was enormous, so before I even thought of releasing it on the market, I was working on a self distruct code. All the cops would have to do, is call in the skew number and I could type it in, and control what the gun did. But then again, getting the number would be hard, near impossible in a lot of situations, so I was currently working on the solution to the problem.
It looked like I would never finish it. Oh well, my father was smart, he could figure it out. I had wasted too much time here already. Vegeta was probably on his way back here now. I had decided to do it in our room. I don't know why, it just seemed fitting. I quickly closed the door to my lab, and with one last longing gaze at the door, I hurried to our bedroom.
Setting the will on the desk that I had in our room, I turn and sat on the bed. I closed my eyes and opened our bond again. Not prepared for the rush of emotions that I felt after closing the link for so long, I would have stumbled had I not already been sitting down. I felt Vegeta clearer than I had ever felt him. He was on his way back from Chi Chi's. I knew he would be here soon. I felt his confusion at being able to feel me again, and his panic that something would happen. I felt his dread and his apprehension at what he might find upon arriving back home.
I smiled, and closed my eyes, allowing the tears to fall. ::Good bye Vegeta:: I whispered through our bond, placing the gun to my chest and pulling the trigger before I lost the nerve. The pain I felt then, was more intense than anything I had felt in the past few years combined. The panic and raw pain that flew through our bond was not fake. I truly felt everything I sent him.
::Woman! Bulma!:: I heard him scream frantically in our minds. I knew that he knew what I was doing. He felt it the moment the bullet entered my body. ::Oh Kami, what have I done?:: I sent back to him. My doubts that had been there since day one, were amplified a thousand times. Before I could collapse back onto the bed, Vegeta was in our room, busting through the French doors on the balcony. He caught me, and cradled me in his arms, sitting on the bed. I coughed, I could feel the blood that was collecting in the back of my throat.
"Bulma," he sobbed. "No, what did you do silly woman?" he said quietly. I looked up at him in shock. I could feel everything that he had felt for me. The love, everything. Why had he hidden it? He must have heard my unspoken question because he held me closer. "Bulma, I'm sorry, I should have told you. Don't leave me, I will tell you every day what I have felt for three years." I gasped and the tears that I had been trying to hold back flowed freely. I began to gasp for air, as I felt the blood filling my lungs.
"I'm…sorry." I managed to gasp out. "Take…care…Trunks." Was all I managed to say before I was filled with an overwhelming sense of calm and peace. Everything started to fade and Vegeta's horrified face was the last image ingrained into my mind before I slipped out of this life and fell limp in his arms.
AN: TBC! In the next and final part of this song fic trilogy: it's fifteen years after Bulma's suicide. How does Trunks feel about all of it looking back? What kind of man did he grow into? Did Vegeta keep his promise to take care of the boy? All that and more answered in the next chapter of "Beloved!"
THANKS:
Sailor Nova: As always your review made me laugh! Thanks and I hoped that you enjoyed this chapter!
Cloud: Well, I kept up the work and here is the next chapter! You like?
Luna Dragon: Well, here it is, the next chapter. Thanks for reviewing.
AN: Hey! Well, I have chapter seven of my gundam fic out, so I think it's okay to work on this one. The thanks are going to be at the end of the chapter, just as they are on all my fics. I am glad people enjoyed the first chapter.
Warnings: Cursing, and suicide…but I didn't need to tell you that did I? This is in Bulma's POV. Oh and Goku is alive, just to let you know. Although this takes place after Cell and he should be dead, in my fic he's alive.
Disclaimer: I don't own dragon ball z or Slipknot's "Diluted" I had a hard time choosing between this song and "Wait and Bleed" another song of Slipknot's. Both are really good, and fit this chapter perfectly. I just think that "Diluted" fits it a tad bit better than "Wait and Bleed"
Chapter Two: The Pain I Feel…
It was a frosty January morning, so cold that even the Saiyan Prince decided to stay inside for the morning, and allow the day to heat up before moving to the gravity room to train. Of course, the bastard would never say that aloud or even in our bond. I think to myself. I don't know how I could have become so mixed up in him and everything that comes with him. There is just so much extra shit that I have to deal with. More than I ever imagined.
And Trunks certainly doesn't help the situation any. Not that I asked for a son, or that I would have killed him any more than Vegeta would have let me. Who would have thought that he could care about anyone beside himself? Then again, he maintained that he needed an heir and that the child was his, and no 'human whore will destroy anything of mine.' I scowled a very good impersonation of the man on my mind.
When had things become so complicated? When he came, him and his kind. I think scowling even more. Everything was just fine and dandy before Raditz shows up flipping the universe upside down, on HIS orders. It all went back to him, as it always did. He was the cause of every single ounce of pain and suffering I have endured these past few years. In the beginning, he meant to do it of course, being the evil Saiyan that he was. Now, he claims that he would never hurt me, yet he has, more than he will ever know.
He has never hit me, I'll give him that. He has never laid a hand on me, or forced me to do anything I wasn't willing to do. So maybe to him, hurt is only physical. One would think that with this 'bond' we have that I would be happy. I finally have a man who can read my emotions and feelings, yet I have the one man who wouldn't know how to calm a crying child, unless he could just blast the damn thing. That was his answer for everything, blast it to hell. Or eat it. Oh, and then we have the good old, ignore it.
Yea, ignore it. I was familiar with that one. One would think that a gorgeous blue-hared genius would get a little attention in her own home. But no…not in this gorgeous, blue-hared, genius's house. Of course my son gave me attention, he was after all only a child. But, then again, that was only when he wanted something. The same went for my husband…no mate…no I don't know what to call the man that fathered my child, lives in my house, and has reduced me to just the shell of my former self. I don't even know if man is the right word to describe him.
*********************************
I'm cold, I'm ugly
I'm always confused by everything
I can stare into a thousand eyes
But every smile hides a bold-faced lie
*********************************
Why couldn't I just be happy? It doesn't sound too hard, or too much of a task for someone like me does it? To just smile and welcome the next day with open arms. But I can't. I haven't been able to in a long time. I don't know why either. I mean, I don't have a horrible life in normal minds. I'm not living on the streets, hell, I'm far from it, being the richest woman on the whole damn planet. I have one of the strongest men in the universe as a…like I said I'm not sure what he is but he would protect me from any evil aliens, that was for sure.
~But can he protect you from yourself?~ the tiny voice in the deepest recesses of my mind spoke, unwanted. ~What about your monsters and aliens that plague you? Does he worry himself over the threats that cannot be seen?~
"Shut up." I whisper to my little voice. Not that it's going to work and not that talking to it is going to make me feel any better either. I could imagine Vegeta's face if he found out I was having a conversation with a voice in my head. Speaking of the devil, I feel his presence behind me. "Too cold to train?" I say to him mockingly. I know it will only goad him into an argument. I could use the distraction.
"Watch your tongue wench." It worked. I knew he wouldn't be able to resist a blow to his precious ego. My back is still to him, so I don't feel worried that he'll catch the evil little smirk dancing on the corners of my mouth. So I wasn't totally unhappy, I loved to torment the poor lost prince. Of course, evil torment only took you so far on the happy scale before it was time for a new hobby.
"And just what do you plan to do until this bitter cold passes, allowing the dear prince access to his little machine that lays in the clutches of the evil cold wind?" I ask, my smirk moving from ear to ear. Oh, how I loved to irritate the hell out of him.
"Woman you would do wise to hold your tongue in my presence, if you know what's good for you." He is growling now, trying to hold in his anger and failing miserably. Oh how he hates to fail, I think gleefully. My glee soon turns to confusion, since when did I get such enjoyment out of other's torment? More specifically his? I finally turn around to face him and am shocked to see a hint of a smile making it's way across his lips. I raise my eyebrow in bewilderment. I mock him and he smiles?
**************************************
It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes
My heros are dead; they died in my head
Thin out the herd, squeeze out the pain
Something inside me has opened up again
**************************************
"Why are you smiling?"
"Am I?" He asked, his smile widening a bit at each wisp of fire that shoots through my eyes.
"Yes." I say through clenched teeth.
"Oh, I hadn't noticed." He said dismissively. He began to walk away, towards the front door.
"Where are you going?" I say, and immediately kick myself for sounding so interested. I see him stop and can feel the smudginess rolling off him in waves. He knows that he was won this round. But I'm not giving up just yet.
"Why do you care?"
"I don't." I say turning back to look out the window. Now we'll see who caves first. My resolve is a lot stronger than it used to be. ~It also helps that you really don't care, doesn't it?~ There's that annoying voice again. I growl to myself. Why can't I just be left in peace? Even my own mind will not grant that silent request. I wait no more than ten minutes before I hear him speak again. I turn, slightly startled. I thought he had left. Oh well, round two just ended and the victor is me.
"I'm going training, woman." He said with a sigh. I smile at him, making sure he knows that I know I won.
"Really?" I said, turning my look into one of expressionless beauty. "That's nice." I turn back to look out the window, congratulating myself on my victory. But I suddenly stop my thoughts. Why is everything with that man a war? Do I really want to be congratulating myself on small, insignificant, verbal victories? Or have him hold me in his arms and profess his love to me?
"What is so funny?" he asks at my sudden out burst of laughter. I can't help myself. I think…wait I know that I'll be long dead before Vegeta ever holds anything tenderly and professes his love to anyone but himself. No, there are no such things as knight's in shining armor. That's just a stupid fantasy of mine that has been crushed one too many times, for my faith in romantic men to stay intact.
"Nothing, Veggie. Just go train." I said, again turning to look out the window. I don't know why though, there is nothing but coldness, death, and stormy skies. Maybe the winter reminds me of my heart, in the torrent of emotions it's in right now.
************************************************
Thoughts of me exemplified
All the little flaws I have denied
Forget today, forget whatever happened
Everyday I see a little more of overall deficiencies
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophe
************************************************
I paused in my thoughts as something that Vegeta had said just seemed to register in my mind. Something that made even me stop in the midst of my thoughts, not something easily accomplished. "What did you say?" I feel him smile, so he meant for me to hear it after all. Oh well, I mentally shrugged, if it's what I thought he said, he's got more than a few words coming his way.
"I said, I'll do just that. Not that a weak human such as yourself could withstand the cold without me there to protect you." He repeated smirking the whole time. I can feel my blood boiling. Weak human, he says! Hah, I'll show him weak.
"Fine…" I growl. "I accept." He looks at me confused.
"Accept what?"
"Your challenge." I remark. I stalk past him and throw open the large storm door. I am immediately blasted with the chilly, no down right freezing winds. I can see…and feel a storm brewing, and it wasn't the one raging behind me either.
"I never issued such a challenge." He thundered, trying to close the door, but I would not allow him, I simply floated outside with a grace I never knew I possessed. I was clad only in my flannel, longsleeve nightgown, and slippers. Vegeta stormed outside after me. He grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "Do you have a death wish?" when I did not respond he looked at me harder "Do you want to die?"
"Would that be so bad?" I asked before I even thought of the words that came out of my mouth, and what they meant. He looked visibly shocked.
"What?" I shrugged, the cold getting to me, but I wasn't about to tell him that.
"Nothing, just leave me alone." He smiled down at me.
"No my little women, I can't do that. You are pigheaded and would not turn around and march your weak little ass back in the house, so I must do it for you." He threw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and proceeded to walk the short trek back to the safety of Capsule Corp. heating, with me pounding on his back the entire time. Once I was safely deposited in my room, he turned to leave.
"Wait!" I called out to him. He turned to me in confusion. "Why…why didn't you just leave me out there?" I ask quietly.
"Why would I leave my property out in the snow? I own you woman, and if I have to remind you of that every day than so be it." He walked over to me and stuck his face right in mine. "I. Own. You." He enunciated each word, progressively becoming more venomous. I know I must have looked shocked; I sure as hell felt shocked. He left the room before I could recover and hurl another insult at him.
*******************************************
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?
I save all the bullets from ignorant minds
Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind
Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens
I decrease, while my symptoms increase
********************************************
A possession. That's all he thinks I am? That thought hurt me more than it ought to. Why did life have to suck so much? ~That's it, take your vengeance.~ that little voice was back. "How do you mean?" I asked myself. I couldn't believe I was sitting in my room, soaked to the bone from the snow, shivering to death and yet here I was talking to myself. ~You know what I mean…~ Did I? Did I know what means of vengeance would be enough to end my torment and enhance his?
"A fucking possession!" I screamed to myself. Wait…that's it. I knew what I would do. It was Vegeta's own idea…I would kill myself. I know, I know, some revenge if you're not alive to see it…but, that didn't matter to me anymore. I was too hurt to care. Yes, let him insult me, let him do whatever the hell he pleased. It wouldn't matter. I would plan it all out. He had to be the one to find me, it wouldn't work any other way, and I only had one chance to do it right.
"How though?" I said aloud. I needed it to be quick enough should he come earlier that it wouldn't matter, but slow enough that he could feel the panic through the bond. I also had to let him know that it was me who did it, that I was the one who ended my pain. I could always leave a note, but it would be much better if told him myself, which brought me back to the first problem, how would I do it?
Drowning was out of the question. That could just be written off as an accident. No…the idea of hanging myself wasn't too appealing either. I needed to be able to speak. Hmm, I could always shoot myself. Although, it could be over too soon. Then again, I could always feign panic then shoot myself once I felt him coming…yes, it was a possibility.
I could try an overdose on some medication or another, but that was too unpredictable and had a greater survival rate, or a quicker death sentence. No…I think I will go with the shooting idea. That way he could have my blood on his hands, so he would know that he was in some part responsible. Yes, it was perfect. I began to laugh like a maniac. I suppose I was one, planning my death with such…happiness.
I began to hum to myself as I changed out of my wet clothes. There was no point in getting sick now and ruining the fun later. I skipped over to the bathroom and quickly showered. I dressed in blue jeans and a blue sweater. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, after brushing out the knots. I continued humming whatever song that was in my mind, and continued my daily routine. Nothing could look out of the ordinary.
****************************************
God what the fuck is wrong
You act like you knew it all along
Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing
****************************************
I needn't worry about Vegeta figuring out what I was up to. Even with the bond, it would be impossible. I had erected a mental wall around my mind and heart after I learned that Vegeta would never use the ticket he had properly. That was also about the time I gave up on everything around me. I guess I have been drawing towards this for a long time. I'm not depressed, at least I don't think I am. I'm happy, it's just the things that I take pleasure in were not meant to be good or fun.
Torment, pain, anguish, and death. Everything people avoid feeling, except me. I love to take it and dish it out. Well, not so much the taking as the dishing out, but there is this rush of adrenaline that courses through my veins at every harsh word, or cold look given to me. I don't even think that Vegeta in all his tolerance to pain could endure as much as I. He doesn't realize how strong I am.
No one does, I think rather caustically. They always underestimate me. They always have. I don't think I've ever been given one straight, no shit answer when it came to anything. I always received the sugar-coated version. Damn them! Didn't they think I was strong enough to handle it? I guess I did act like a brat, and that I would cry at the slightest hint of bad news, but that was all in effort to hide myself, to hide who I was. I guess it worked too well, because in all that hiding I lost myself as well.
I no longer know the Bulma that I was as a child. I was forced to be strong, and I am. Stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I'm a brick wall when it comes to feelings and emotions. Nothing moves me anymore, nothing. The last time I smiled a truly happy smile…was probably Trunk's birth. When I first saw his face, I was amazed that I could bring something so pure, so innocent into this world. I was amazed that he wasn't like the monster I had become.
I couldn't allow my son to grow up with a monster for a mother. He would be better off with none. So I lied. I do care about one thing. That is my son. This is all for him. Of course, the look on his father's face will be well worth it, but it's just an added bonus. Maybe, if by some miracle I'm allowed into heaven I can watch my boy grow into the man he should be. I am not the mother that Mirai Trunks had. Nor will I ever be. I just hope that my Trunks turns out as well with his father raising him.
That would be just like Vegeta to mess up Trunk's life just to hurt me. I wouldn't put it passed him. But, however he will be raised, even with Vegeta is ten times better than if I raised him. I would destroy him. I can't bear that, despite any other emotional pain I have been forced to endure in my life, I could not bear his disappointment in me. I had to do this; it was my only option.
***********************************************
All I ever wanted out of you was
something you could never be
Now take a real good look at
What you've fucking done to me
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?
**********************************************
It wasn't always this way. I had hope once. I think we're all born with hope, and love, I just lost mine a long time ago. That's the only reason I was looking for a boyfriend on my dragon ball hunt as a child, because I had given up hope in finding someone outside of magic. Well I did, I found Vegeta, or more he found me. I don't even remember how we got together, I try not to dwell in the past…but I do remember that he gave me my hope back. He was my shining star, my ladder to hang on to for safety.
That image was quickly shattered. I guess I expected too much of him. He didn't change. Sure his words weren't as cruel, and some of the venom had left his viper like tongue…but the hate and malice were still there. I kept telling myself that he only needed time, time to heal everything he had gone through and learn to be happy with Trunk's and I. I learned the hard way that I cannot wait for him any longer. Five years is a long damn time to wait for the love I've been missing for twenty-six years.
I gave him everything until I had nothing left to give, and still I gave. I never took; I asked but never took what he wasn't willing to give. That changed once Trunk's turned one. I figured if he hadn't changed by then, he never would. I was right. At least he won't in my lifetime. I slowly hardened myself, inside and out against everything he threw at me. I guess he figured I was used to him because I stopped crying when he would insult Trunks, or me. It was quite the opposite; I just stopped caring period.
I could never force myself to care again. It hurts too much to care, and if Vegeta cares anything about me, he will find out exactly how much it hurts to care. I awaken from my thoughts to find that I have yet to leave my room. I shake my head before walking out of my room and heading towards my lab. I might as well get a few things in order first. I punched in the code that would allow me access to my life for the past thirty years or so.
A simple code really. Eight, fifteen, sixteen, five. If you took which letter in the alphabet they stand for it spells, H…O…P…E… Something I lost but dreamed to find in my inventions. I never did, so the code served as nothing but a constant reminder of my failure. But, I deserve to remember what a failure I had become; it only made my job easier. The first step, would be my will. I had to draw it up myself, I couldn't have anyone become suspicious and try to stop me.
I only required a lawyer and two witnesses. I could easily grab two unsuspecting people off the streets and have them sign as witnesses, they weren't the problem. The problem was where was I going to find a lawyer that wouldn't love to turn my story over to the tabloids? 'Bulma Briefs Draws Up Will, In Secret Meeting.' Yes I could see it now; it was something I did not look forward too. I would just go to the lowest, most honest fool on the ladder I could find. Someone that still believed in hard work and the system. A fresh graduate perhaps.
**************************************
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, boy
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, bitch
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
**************************************
By the time that I had finished hunting down a lawyer, drawing up the will and purchasing the gun, three weeks had passed since I first decided to kill myself. To say that I was having doubts would have been an understatement. I was thoroughly convinced that if Vegeta did just one nice thing to either Trunks or I in the next few days I would call the whole thing off. And a part of me pleaded with him every time I set eyes on him, to just compliment my food, or my hair, or say how proud he is of Trunks. Even just looking like he cared would have worked for me. Anything.
I waited and I waited and I waited. Nothing, for two days, not one kind word, or even one look of appreciation. This only steeled my resolved to go ahead with my plan. My doubts were quickly fading. My wall had rebuilt itself and ten times stronger. Nothing was going to stop me now. I would do it on Friday. I thought looking at my calendar, while sitting back in my chair in my lab. Today was Tuesday; yes Friday would be perfect. I wasn't even going to say goodbye to anyone. I didn't want to tip anyone off that something was wrong.
"Woman." Vegeta's voice interrupted my whirling mind. I looked over at him, not trying to hide the fact that I was pissed at the interruption.
"What?" I growled.
"The gravity room is broken."
"Mmmhmm." I said returning my gaze to the papers on my desk. "And what did you want me to do about that?"
"Fix it." He said it like it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because…I am…"
"The Saiyan Prince who deserves respect…yadda yadda yadda. Tell me something I don't know." I said still not turning to face him. He sputtered like the fool he was.
"Because woman, you made it, so you fix it."
"Uh, uh. You broke it, so you fix it." I said with a smile. He marched over to my desk and spun me around in my chair. He lifted me by my neck effortlessly. I remained calm, for once. It's truly amazing how unafraid you become when you plan to kill yourself anyway. Vegeta's resolve slipped a bit when he saw that I wasn't scared.
"Fix it, now." He growled instead. I shook my head, or tried to anyway.
"No way in hell." I whispered, seeing in how it was all I could do with his death grip on my neck.
"Well someone has grown a pair." He snarled. I snarled right back.
"Nothing I haven't had all along." I sneered. He snorted and dropped me.
"Right woman, whatever you say. Just have it fixed by morning." I did. I fixed it later after dinner, just like he knew I would. I should have just refused him, but…I didn't want him mad at me, and have him taking off for months at a time. I was doing it Friday; nothing was going to stop me. Besides, I had to stick to my routine, and my routine included bending to that jerks every whim.
**************************************
I see you in me
I keep my scars from prying eyes
Incapable of ever knowing why
Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer
******************************************
Unfortunately I forgot that tomorrow was the get together we had planned with the whole Z gang. I sighed from my spot in my bed. It was approaching midnight, but I could not sleep. Vegeta lay next to me, sound asleep and dreaming of whatever he dreams about every night. Three more days…well two more. I amended after looking at my clock. It read 12:05 AM. It was Wednesday, technically.
I couldn't wait until Friday. If I could make it through today, I was home free. Not that I feared that I wouldn't; I had this act down tight. I should, I've only been doing it for close to a year and half now. I was a pro at hiding my feelings, and appearing happy. I wouldn't have to pretend too hard this time, I truly was happy because I was so close to my goal.
The next thing I remember is Vegeta shaking me awake about seven hours later. Damn Saiyan, I was in the middle of a very nice dream. Everything had gone to plan and I was watching Vegeta cry his eyes out over me. Yes, a very nice dream indeed. "What do you want?" I growled, still not a morning person.
"It's time to wake up. The idiots are coming over, soon." Even after everything they've been through together, Vegeta still insisted on insulting my friends. Well, old friends, I don't know who they were to me either. It just annoyed the hell out of me that Vegeta felt he could insult whomever he wanted. I growled again. "Hey, don't look at me like that. You're the one who invited them over, woman."
"No I didn't." I scowled. I wouldn't be that stupid. Gathering everyone for a picnic two days before I did it? No way. It was Chi Chi's idea, she felt that we were all drifting apart after Cell. "It was Chi Chi's idea." I maintained. He snorted.
"Same difference. Get up, I want my breakfast."
"Have my mother make it. I have a lot of things to do, and making you breakfast is not on my list of things to do today."
"They left a few hours ago woman." He growled. I was confused until I remembered that this was the day they left for their science convention halfway across the country. It was why I had chosen this Friday. Dad would be in the middle of one of his seminars by then, and mom would be busy shopping or at the spa, both too busy to worry with calling and checking up on me.
The party was in full swing nearly six hours after Vegeta literally pulled me out of bed so that I would make his breakfast. "Damn jerk." I mumbled to myself.
"What was that?" Chi Chi asked me. I shook my head.
"Nothing, nevermind." Chi Chi nodded, still not believing me. Oh, well, I could just chalk it up to annoying men. Chi Chi wouldn't argue with me on that one, seeing in how her husband and Vegeta were out sparring with each other during what was supposed to be a time off to relax. Chi Chi continued to prattle on and on about whatever it was she was talking about. I just nodded and said "uh huh" every so often. I checked my watch, it was only about 1:00 PM, they wouldn't start to leave for another five hours, and even then, most would stay longer.
Why did I have to agree to this right now? I was in no mood to be socializing and making with the happy face. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep forever. Great…I thought with a growl, the depression and utter despair had sunk in early. I turned to Chi Chi who had long since stopped talking and was starring at me in concern. "Are you okay?" she asked me; I could easily see the pity on her face. I didn't want pity damn it!
"I'm fine, Chi, I just have this major headache, and his highness didn't help it very much this morning. Really, that's all it is." Chi Chi still looked at me warily but she seemed to buy it.
"Okay, I know how annoying those Saiyan men can be sometimes." She said with a laugh. I only joined in, realizing I had better start acting happier. I couldn't chance any more slip ups, like I just had with Chi Chi. The next few hours seemed to blur together into one big headache. I had lied earlier to Chi Chi, when I told her my head hurt, but now it was no lie. All the smiling, laughing, and…just plan happiness was driving me insane. Kurrian and his family had left about an hour ago. Yamcha, Puar, Tien, Chotsu, Oolong, and Master Roshi had just left a few minutes ago. It was just the Sons, Piccolo and my family left.
Another hour later, Piccolo finally decided he had enough and took Gohan with him. Trunks and Goten were still packing everything that Trunk's would need for his little excursion he had planed. Well, in reality I had put the idea in his head. I wanted him far away when I did it, so I had convinced Chi Chi into letting the two boys spend some time with Goku, camping or something of the sort. It didn't matter to me what it was as long as it kept them out of the house.
"I'm ready mommy, can we leave now? We want to go get our spot set up!" Trunks said eagerly. I smiled down at him. I never had to fake my happiness when he was around. I picked him up and hugged him tightly, knowing that it would be my last time doing it…ever.
"Of course dear. Come, let us go say goodbye to everyone, then you can leave." I carried him over to where Goku and Vegeta were. They had just gotten in from training, and both were smirking. I shook my head. Saiyans…I would never understand them. "Hey Goku, Trunks and Goten are eager to leave, I can't hold out on these two ever." It was the truth, there was nothing I wouldn't give them.
"Sure." Goku said with a smile. I put Trunks down and hugged Goku quickly.
"Thanks for doing this on such short notice. Trunk's has been wanting to do this for awhile now."
"No problem Bulma. I'm happy to do it. Come on boys, let's go." They didn't need to be told twice, they bolted out the door, loaded up and ready to camp. They immediately took off for their favorite spot, Goku quickly trailing him. I turned to see Chi Chi scowling.
"Stupid husband, leaving me here alone." I laughed, it was a very Goku like thing to do, go off and leave his wife stranded with no way of getting home.
"Don't worry. Vegeta will take you home, won't you Vegeta?" I glare at him, daring him to say no. He growls, but sighs anyway.
"Fine, but you owe me woman." Chi Chi doesn't look too happy with the arrangement either. I smile at her.
"Go, don't worry, everything will be fine." She nods and hugs me quickly before Vegeta scoops her up and flies her back to her house in the mountains.
*********************************************
Why am I so fascinated by
bigger pictures, better things
But I don't care what you think
You'll never understand me
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?
FUCK!!!
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I'm alone. I realize with a smile. Forget Friday, I would never get a better chance than this. I race to my lab and quickly punch in the code. Once the door slides open, I run in and immediately go to my secret hiding place. Childish, yes, but its served its purpose many times. I push my desk back the few feet I needed, and raise the floorboards under the desk. I pull out the small brown box that is sitting in the hole between the ground and the floorboards.
Opening the box, I remove my will, and the gun. I check the chamber and sure enough, it's still loaded. Not that I thought it wasn't going to be. I look at the gun and am surprised to find that my hands are shaking. "Now is not the time to loose your nerve girl!" I scolded myself. I put the floorboards back and pushed the desk back to its rightful place. I left the lab, turning around looking into the place that was my home for so long.
Sitting on a table were several inventions I never finished. One was an enhanced dragon radar, another a new capsule model, that held the newest air car. And finally, my pride and joy, my baby. My newest advancement in home security sat on the table, unfinished and calling out to me. It was a new type of gun that shot a force field bubble that would disable the person hit with it, from moving. There was also another setting that would allow it to block anything from entering.
Of course, the evil ways that it could be used was enormous, so before I even thought of releasing it on the market, I was working on a self distruct code. All the cops would have to do, is call in the skew number and I could type it in, and control what the gun did. But then again, getting the number would be hard, near impossible in a lot of situations, so I was currently working on the solution to the problem.
It looked like I would never finish it. Oh well, my father was smart, he could figure it out. I had wasted too much time here already. Vegeta was probably on his way back here now. I had decided to do it in our room. I don't know why, it just seemed fitting. I quickly closed the door to my lab, and with one last longing gaze at the door, I hurried to our bedroom.
Setting the will on the desk that I had in our room, I turn and sat on the bed. I closed my eyes and opened our bond again. Not prepared for the rush of emotions that I felt after closing the link for so long, I would have stumbled had I not already been sitting down. I felt Vegeta clearer than I had ever felt him. He was on his way back from Chi Chi's. I knew he would be here soon. I felt his confusion at being able to feel me again, and his panic that something would happen. I felt his dread and his apprehension at what he might find upon arriving back home.
I smiled, and closed my eyes, allowing the tears to fall. ::Good bye Vegeta:: I whispered through our bond, placing the gun to my chest and pulling the trigger before I lost the nerve. The pain I felt then, was more intense than anything I had felt in the past few years combined. The panic and raw pain that flew through our bond was not fake. I truly felt everything I sent him.
::Woman! Bulma!:: I heard him scream frantically in our minds. I knew that he knew what I was doing. He felt it the moment the bullet entered my body. ::Oh Kami, what have I done?:: I sent back to him. My doubts that had been there since day one, were amplified a thousand times. Before I could collapse back onto the bed, Vegeta was in our room, busting through the French doors on the balcony. He caught me, and cradled me in his arms, sitting on the bed. I coughed, I could feel the blood that was collecting in the back of my throat.
"Bulma," he sobbed. "No, what did you do silly woman?" he said quietly. I looked up at him in shock. I could feel everything that he had felt for me. The love, everything. Why had he hidden it? He must have heard my unspoken question because he held me closer. "Bulma, I'm sorry, I should have told you. Don't leave me, I will tell you every day what I have felt for three years." I gasped and the tears that I had been trying to hold back flowed freely. I began to gasp for air, as I felt the blood filling my lungs.
"I'm…sorry." I managed to gasp out. "Take…care…Trunks." Was all I managed to say before I was filled with an overwhelming sense of calm and peace. Everything started to fade and Vegeta's horrified face was the last image ingrained into my mind before I slipped out of this life and fell limp in his arms.
AN: TBC! In the next and final part of this song fic trilogy: it's fifteen years after Bulma's suicide. How does Trunks feel about all of it looking back? What kind of man did he grow into? Did Vegeta keep his promise to take care of the boy? All that and more answered in the next chapter of "Beloved!"
THANKS:
Sailor Nova: As always your review made me laugh! Thanks and I hoped that you enjoyed this chapter!
Cloud: Well, I kept up the work and here is the next chapter! You like?
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