YourSide, Their Side and the Truth
Part XV - Who I Am (15.45)
Disclaimer: Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, this is a fan fiction, by a fan for the fans.
Author's Notes: Thank you for all the reviews so far ;)
When Remus awoke that morning, entangled in a mess of sweaty limbs and covered in damp sheets, he was momentarily disconcerted. The dreams had been getting more and more frequent recently, and last night's uninterrupted sleep did nothing to dispel the vivid images and the heady sensations of the previous dreams.
Extricating himself out from the tangled mess, Remus slipped out of the bed; heading over to the window. His thin, bony feet made hardly a sound on the floor, but what sound was made must have alerted Sirius. Within seconds, Remus felt Sirius' body, pressed against his back. He leant into the reassuring warmth.
Never leave me.
Sirius seemed to hear the unspoken thought as he squeezed Remus' shoulder.
"You're worried."
Sirius nodded at Remus' quiet statement, finding himself unable to speak.
"You want to go see Harry, see if he's okay?"
Again, a nod. Remus felt rather than saw Sirius' gesture. He glanced through the window, seeing the shock of black in the reflection behind him.
"Then we'll go. I'm sure David and Fleur can deal with the investigations into the… attackers… for a few days without us."
Sirius rested his head against Remus' cheek.
"They'll never let us in to see him, Remus… You know the regulations as well as I do. No visitors unless they're blood related."
"They will," Remus said, his voice guarded.
"Uncle Remus!" Remus turned at the voice; winced as the boy rammed into him, hugging him, chubby arms encircling his neck. Remus knelt down, smiling at Harry, his nephew.
"It's not a problem."
Sirius was about to say something when he felt Remus tense up in his embrace.
"Remus, you know you can tell me anything, you have to know that. Not talking is what got us into that mess in the first place."
"I know."
Even Remus didn't know what part of Sirius' statement he was agreeing to. Sirius took a step back, dark eyes sweeping over his lover. Remus suddenly looked so alone, his eyes reflected in the window looked so empty, his poise so suddenly limp and weary.
Sirius once again felt that chill in his gut which he felt all those years ago, and that singular thought again… That he really didn't know Remus at all.
"What are you going to do about it, werewolf?"
The wizard, brutal, large, scruffy blond hair and a cold sneer, standing above him. Dominating. Controlling.
"You have to --"
"What? Let you live?"
A gun was lifted up, a glint of silver shining through the cold tunnel of fear.
"Tell them the truth."
"Remus?"
Lurching up, Remus blinked violently. The whole place was moving, and Sirius had his hand on his shoulder.
"You fell asleep, we're almost at the right station," Sirius said softly, his voice neutral.
Remus nodded slowly. "I'm sorry."
Sirius smiled thinly. "Don't be. You know, I --"
"You…" Remus trailed off, arching one eyebrow in confusion.
"Never mind," Sirius muttered.
"No, what were you going to say?"
Sirius smiled warmly. "I was just thinking about how little --"
"--you know me at all."
Sirius blinked, and stared incredulously at Remus who was just staring out the window of the train they were in.
"I think," Remus said softly, "if you can learn to forgive, I think you know enough about me. Besides, we're starting to finish off each other's sentences. That's always a good sign."
Sirius nodded and swallowed hard. "What kind of thing would I have to forgive?"
"Everything."
Sirius' expression was guarded for a second, then he laid a hand on Remus' cheek. His eyes were darker than usual, a maelstrom of deep confusion, love and need. "Then whatever it is, I forgive you. I can't lose you again." His last word was hitched, his tone low and desperate. "I need you too much."
Never hate me.
Remus nodded, not trusting his voice to say something, and he returned to look through the window; lost in thoughts and memories and broken feelings.
It was close on eight hours later when they pulled up at the final station. They'd switched three trains along the way. Remus had suggested that they should have apparated to their final destination so they could take the boat to Azkaban, but Sirius had refused. Remus was too weak to make the full journey.
They'd spent the last two stretches looking through some databases and books, searching for details on the mysterious creatures but they didn't find anything.
Holding Remus' arm, Sirius supported the weak brunet as they stumbled onto the platform with their books and one bag of jumbled belongings. Sirius remembered this place, all too well. You couldn't apparate to Azkaban, they brought you here. To the end of the world.
Sirius was glad Remus was there. If he didn't have his love to think of, he was sure, too damn sure, that he wouldn't have made it this far. He could see the dull grey building off in the distance, in the haze of the waters and felt sick. Too many dark, bad memories choked up inside him. Although he was returning as a free man, the memories of his incarceration were fresh. Raw.
They checked in at the office with an old man in shabby green robes, and were led to a boat by a younger man who recognised Sirius and let them through without any further questioning.
As they sat in the boat, huddled together, Sirius felt Remus' hand on his waist; firm, encircling, warm.
"Are you all right?"
Trust Remus to be concerned with him when he himself was still weary and worn out.
Sirius glanced at Remus, the trusting silver eyes locked on his own.
Never lie to me.
"I'm fine."
Remus frowned at him, disbelieving. Sirius pulled a small face, brought his knees up to his body and rested his head against them.
"I'm not fine at all."
"No small wonder," Remus whispered. "I… I'm sorry I couldn't trust you when they… I was just so angry…"
"Hey, I don't blame you at all," Sirius protested. "I didn't trust you either, and I should have done. It was a pretty distrusting time for everyone."
His words were reassuring, but his poise and expression told a different story. He was pale, shivering, becoming more and more the withdrawn person he was after Azkaban.
"Come on," Remus whispered soothingly. "It's nothing like it used to be. There are no Dementors. Harry won't have to suffer like you did for the few days he's mistakenly in there for."
"Look, you're not his godfather, you're not so worried about him, but I am. I promised James I'd look after him as my own and look how useless I am," Sirius snapped. The boat lurched a little, and he grabbed onto the side. His expression softened quickly at Remus' hurt expression. "Look, I'm sorry, it's just…"
"I know." Remus shuffled, folded his arms and looked at Sirius. "I know exactly how you feel."
The moment was broken by the young man coughing delicately and informing them that they'd arrived. Silently climbing out of the boat, Remus squeezed Sirius' arm reassuringly as they were led into the formidable dark building.
There was a smaller door next to a larger door , and they entered through the smaller one. The larger one had been put there with instruction by Remus. When the two had gone off to recruit the giants, Sirius hadn't been able to find the strength to return to Azkaban, so Remus knew more what to expect.
The inside room was high, and a dull grey. All the life seemed to have been sapped out of the room, more than likely an after-effect of the Dementors' presence. The presence of the embodiment of fear is not forgotten easily by anyone.
The young man leading them indicated that they should go up to the main desk, where a short, wiry old man was sat, before informing them that he'd wait from them outside. Sirius and Remus watched the youngster literally run out of the room. Sirius didn't blame him. If he had the option he would be the one running.
"Hello, we're here to visit Harry Potter."
The short, wiry man coughed and blinked at Remus over the rims of his large glasses.
"Only a blood relation to the criminal can visit," the man drawled, the words obviously practiced and routine. He shuffled under the desk, and brought out a folder, the name "Potter, Harry" stencilled onto the top. Flicking open the folder, he pulled out a piece of parchment. "If you would prick your finger and put some blood on the parchment for me, it will turn blue if you and your guest are allowed to visit the criminal."
Sirius frowned. The word criminal used on Harry like that made it all feel so terrible. His thoughts weren't allowed to wander for very long, as Remus pricked his finger and a few drops of blood fell on the parchment. The parchment turned blue. What?
The wiry old man seemed satisfied and got out a clipboard. "Name on birth certificate?"
Remus shuffled, staunchly looking away from Sirius. "Ryan Evans."
"Relation to criminal?"
"Uncle."
"I see," the old man said. "Any Ministry registration?"
"I'm on the werewolf registry, network registry and teacher registry."
The old man nodded. "And your companion's name?"
Sirius blinked, and wandered forwards blindly. "Black. Sirius Black. I'm on the network registry." The old man stared at the dark-haired man. "And I am innocent, Englin, don't look at me like that."
Englin actually chuckled. "What was I supposed to think? They all say that." Taking a look down at his clipboard, he scratched his nose absent-mindedly and smiled up at them both. "Right, Mr. Evans, Mr. Black, he's in the Juvenile section, cell 5A. Just follow the signs. If you're lost, there are guards at every corner. Visiting hours are over by six, and I'll have to ask you to leave your wands here."
Blushing slightly, Remus dropped his wand into the box and Sirius followed suit and they walked through the doors leading to the juveniles' section.
"Evans? As in Lily Evans?"
As soon as they were out of earshot of Englin, Sirius confronted Remus; ignoring the giants posted as guards nearby.
"As in," Remus replied shortly, keeping his gaze fixed forwards.
"Then why… How…?"
"Why couldn't I take care of Harry? Be reasonable, Sirius, I'm a werewolf. It was untrusting times back then. They were hardly going to let a werewolf take care of the Boy Who Lived, were they?"
Sirius got the impression that Remus had been wanting to tell him, to say these words, for a very long time. Remus'… no, Ryan's voice was bitter. Sharp. Self-loathing.
"It's not your fault."
Remus turned to Sirius, silvery eyes large and questioning. "Isn't it? If I hadn't been bitten…"
"It wasn't like you could have prevented it."
Remus was silent for a second. "I suppose not, but…"
Sirius stopped in the hallway and it took Remus a few seconds to realise that he had. The brunet turned, fixing Sirius with a tired and weary glance.
"Look, Sirius, I told you that you wouldn't like this." Remus turned and began to walk again, nodding a quick greeting to the eleven-foot giantess guarding the entrance to the Juvenile section.
"And I told you I'd forgive you anything."
"Even this?"
Remus met his gaze and Sirius swallowed again.
"Thought so," Remus muttered despondently, turning on his heel and stalking through the entrance.
Harry lurched up at the sound of feet and a rattling sound. Through the bars in the door, he could see one of the giants fiddling with keys. The sound of a key turning in the lock made him and his cellmate look up reflexively.
What in the world?
The door was pushed open by a large, gnarled hand long enough for two human figures to slip through before it clanked shut with an ominous crash. Rubbing at his eyes briefly, Harry blinked and scrambled to his feet.
"Sirius! Professor Lupin! How did you -- I mean…"
Sirius smirked once, briefly. "You can thank your uncle for getting us in here."
Harry's eyes widened slightly, as he took in Remus' withdrawn expression and his godfather's manner. The dark, messy-haired animagus was looking like he was going to throw up. Harry didn't blame him. He couldn't imagine the torture of what Sirius had been through. Harry's mind ran through what Sirius had said. Seriously, he had to have misheard him…
"Uncle Vernon?"
Sirius shook his head. "So, how are you holding up?"
Harry gave a small shrug, running one hand through his shock of midnight-hair that looked as if it hadn't been washed for a week. "So-so. It's not too bad. We get food, exercise, pretty good health care when…" Harry looked across at his cellmate, curled up in the corner. Scars criss-crossed across the face of the shivering brunet on the narrow bed. "When necessary. It's no Hogwarts, but I've been to worst places."
The image of a cupboard under stairs floated unbidden in Sirius' mind and he blinked. "I suppose you have. I wouldn't wish the Dursleys on anyone."
"Not even on Snape?" Harry's face twisted into a half-smile, and Sirius inclined his head slightly.
"Well, maybe on Severus. Although, I think he may even be able to drive them insane within half an hour."
Harry actually laughed. "Yeah." He looked around, and indicated the bed. "Do you two want to sit down, you look exhausted!"
Sirius nodded at Harry, then looked across at Remus. "Come on, you, you're about to faint."
Remus looked away before gingerly crossing the floor and sitting on the end of the bed. Sirius sighed and immediately sat next to Remus, sliding one hand around Remus' elbow.
Harry frowned at the actions of the two adults. It looked like the two had had some kind of argument… From Remus' deep blush at Sirius' actions, it looked like the dark-haired ex-convict was attempting some kind of apology.
Harry rolled his eyes, and sat on the end of his cellmate's bed. He put out one hand gingerly, and the brunet swung his legs around, and sat upright.
"Tom, these two are my friends. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin."
"Pleased to meet you." The brunet nodded across at them, and Sirius blanched involuntarily at the sight of Tom's face.
"Oh my… Bloody hell… Tom Riddle?" Remus gaped.
"Talk about ironic," Tom murmured in response, scratching the back of his head. Harry laughed a little, squeezing Tom's shoulder.
"Tom's just a victim like me," Harry said, his voice deep and serious as he levelled a burning green glance at Sirius. "He's ok, really. It's Pettigrew that's the menace, that did this to Tom" Harry couldn't keep the venom out of his tone as he talked about the traitorous rat. "It's really incredibly ironic."
"And proves that whatever it is that got me is in him," Tom added. Sirius arched one eyebrow as he looked at Tom, taking in the young man as a whole. His voice was nice, clean, not with that scratchy quality of before.
"At least he's under supervision," Sirius growled. "And as soon as he's not goddess protect me I will kill him."
"If I don't get there first."
Harry blinked at the origin of that low growl, and was surprised to see it was Remus, eyes narrowed to slits and hands clenched so tightly they were white.
"Well, he did betray your sister," Sirius said lightly, his expression guarded. Remus' mouth dropped open slightly and he seemed to be having trouble speaking. "Don't gape like that, it is rude."
Harry looked from one to the other. "There's something you're not telling me," he said simply.
"There's something that you're not telling us," Remus said, just as matter-of-factly.
Harry shrugged. "Like what?"
"Like why you broke up with Draco? Ring a bell? Short, blond, ex-Slytherin-now-a-Gryffindor, the boy you're head over heels for?" Sirius stared flatly at Harry.
"Oh. That." Harry shifted, looking uncomfortable. "Well, it just wouldn't have worked out. You know, it happened too abruptly…"
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Hmm."
"Anyway, great way to change the subject," Harry said abruptly. "What is going on? The rules are clear, only a blood relative of mine can give permission to let me have visitors, and Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon, Dudley for that matter, none of them would do it. Uncle Vernon isn't even blood-related, come to think of it…" Harry trailed off. Folding his arms in his lap, he looked across at Sirius and Remus. "So what's going on?"
"Your mother had two siblings, Harry," Remus said eventually, looking at the floor. "A brother and a sister."
"A.. a brother?" Harry's mouth dropped open. "What? Who is he? Is he still alive? Why, I mean… What? What was his name?"
Remus smiled self-deprecatingly. "His name was Ryan, Ryan Evans. He was bitten by something when he was six, became very ill and was segregated from everything because of it. The Evans were told he was very ill, and then they were told he'd died because.. Because it was too dangerous for him to go back. Because it was too dangerous for him to be around other people. The Evans never knew that their son was actually alive, being brought up in a colony of others like him until he could be rehabilitated into some kind of normal society."
Sirius squeezed Remus' shoulder in support.
"So, he's here? In Azkaban? Is he outside? Why didn't he come in? " Harry's head was in a complete whirl, and he couldn't think. Bitten… Harry's mouth dropped open and his gaze landed abruptly on Remus.
"You?"
Remus' kept his gaze fixed firmly on the ground.
Never hate me.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Harry sounded lost, betrayed. Spinning into eternity. Oh gods…
Remus' gaze lurched up, silver eyes filled with angry tears, his face twisted from self-loathing and anger at the world, at himself, at creation. "What was I supposed to say? Huh? Hi, Harry, I'm your mother's brother, the one who was so stupidly careless to get himself bitten by a werewolf and now had to abandon you to the clutches of his bitter sister because of his own stupidity?" Remus got to his feet, eyes blazing. "What could I have done?"
"You could have been there!"
Similarly on his feet, eyes dancing, Harry faced Remus, Ryan, his uncle, whatever he was…
"You could have told me," Harry finished, voice dropping to a whisper.
"Harry -- I wanted to be there, I did, I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't…" Wretched, Remus looked away; wringing his hands nervously. "Werewolves are forbidden… by the ministry.. To be in the position to do any damage to a child, whether voluntarily or not…"
Speechless, Harry looked away. "I guess you've been blaming yourself for those laws old wizards put together while in a drunken stupor."
Remus looked up just in time to see Harry step closer.
"I don't blame you," Harry whispered gently. Remus' eyes widened and he let out a startled grunt as he was pulled into a hug. "You're here now. That's what matters." Overwhelmed they clung onto each other, Sirius joining them in a group hug moments later with a grin. Harry laughed and squeezed his godfather's arm good-naturedly. When they finally pulled apart, smiling goofily, Harry cocked his head at Sirius. "Sirius, if you have any revelations, if you're really by great-grandmother, tell me now."
Sirius laughed. "No, no, I'm just your godfather. Oh, and Batman at random intervals."
"Sure you are," Harry laughed, before stopping and composing himself. He grasped Remus' hand with his own, and Sirius' arm with his other hand. "Thank you for coming… and…" He smiled at Remus. "Thank you for telling me."
Remus' met his nephew's -goddess, his nephew- gaze and smiled softly. "I think it was the least I owed you."
Harry nodded slowly. A bell sounded sharply and his face fell. "I… That means you've got five more minutes… Have you made any progress with the thing that attacked Hermione? Is she ok?"
Sirius sighed. "I'm sorry, we haven't made much progress at all. We will find them, though. And kill them."
"And prove your innocence," Remus added firmly.
Harry turned away at those words, shrugging. "What innocence? I did what they said. I broke one of the most sacred wizardry laws…"
There was silence for a few moments.
"Look, I'll be fine," Harry said eventually, dropping back down onto his bed. "Just… go. I'll be fine. Find out what you can about what attacked Hermione, and get that info back to me somehow."
"We can come back again tomorrow if you want," Sirius offered, eyes dark and expression determined.
"I'd rather you found out what was attacking people. We have to stop innocents from getting hurt. We can get mail on Thursdays and write back then. Keep in touch, ok?"
Remus and Sirius nodded gently, and turned to leave.
"Thank you," Harry repeated firmly.
"No," Remus responded, brown eyes warm again and filled with emotion. "Thank you, Harry. For giving me a second chance."
"Anytime."
"Take care, Harry," Sirius added gruffly. "We'll keep you updated as often as we can."
"Thanks."
An awkward pause followed.
Never hate me.
The door clanged open again, and Sirius and Remus reluctantly left.
Never lie to me.
The door swung shut.
Never leave me alone…