Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper one
Helter-skelter wif th' wolves, but doesn't smell like possum.
Jean c'dn't believe whut was happenin', whut Oro'oe was doin'! Fry mah hide! This hyar sh'dn't be happenin'! Fry mah hide! She was married up wif t'Ole Jeb! Fry mah hide! All this hyar an' ev'ry other protess in her mind died as Sto'm slid her han' slowly down
Okay, now ah's sho'nuff ah have yer attenshun, it's time fo' the
Disclaimers-
Roun' up th' usual suspecks: ah own none of th' follerin'. 'Cepp fo' Cal, ah reckon. Th' chareeckers an' situashuns all belong t'someone else. As a matter of fack, ah's not real, eifer. ah's a psychic intity created an' sestained by three magic goldfish, junetically created remnants of th' cold war, currently hidin' in a secret unnergroun' bunker in Uzbekistan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Pansy me now! Fry mah hide!
This hyar c'd be th' beginnin' of a right purdy friendship: On account o' ah doesn't make enny money outta this, an' is gittin' only ego gratificashun, please feel free t'archive this. But do please tell me 'bout it. In a review mebbe? (Hint Hint)
Th' problems of two li'l varmints doesn't amount t'a hill of beans in this hyar crazy mixed up wo'ld: But ah's ratin' it PG jest t'be safe.
ah seem t'have gotten a li'l turned aroun' hyar. WHERE ARE WE! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!: They isn't sho'nuff when this hyar took place eifer, but ah massively altered th' time line usin' mah autho' powers ennyway.
ah's shocked, shocked, t'find gamblin' gwine on hyar: At least thar is no real spoilers. Wal okay probably some old ones.
Noo Yawk.
Like th' song says it's a helluva town, as enny fool kin plainly see. Right at thet point, it was rainin'. Reckons. Ennyway, ah was trudgin' through th' emppy streets, tryin' to igno'e th' giant Roaches thet scuttled fo' covah as ah kicked through th' drif's of sodden noospapers an' decayin' rubbish linin' th' street. ah idly tracked a roach as it scuttled into an alley. An indistinck shape detached fum th' shadows an' then disappeared, cuss it all t' tarnation. All was silent 'cepp fo' a quiet crunchin' noise. ah shook mah haid an' moved on, as enny fool kin plainly see. I'd heard sto'ies about th' homeless usin' th' roaches as a staple grub supply befo'e but I'd nevah believed them, till thet point ennyway. Right then it didn't matter t'me. It bothers th' hell outta me now though, an' so does th' fack ah jest walked on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Jest shows yo' how much varmints kin change.
A few blocks down an' ah came t'th' Hudson Rivah. A few minutes walk brought me t'a small park ah knows of. It's a li'l outta th' way so it's usually emppy. Safe too. It's kinda like neutral groun' fo' th' street gangs. ah guess even muggers need someplace t'take th' kids t'play ketch. I allus thunk it was one of th' nicess places in th' city. Th' way th' settin' sun sparkled off of th' windows in the tower blocks an' th' juntle gurglin' of th' rivah made it seem like all was right wif th' wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Out in th' rivah a body surfaced an' dispelled thet illushun. ah turned away, suddenly cold in a way thet had nothin' t'do wif th' temperature. Outside th' parks intrance ah paused a moment t'light up. Back then ah tended t'chain smoke cheap cigars. A quarter hour's wo'th of walkin' brought me t'th' wo'st part of th' city.
Whuffo'?
ah was livin' in an aban'oned buildin'. Th' remains of an ancient sign earmarked th' buildin' as unsueytable fo' hoomin habitashun. ah allus foun' thet amoosin'. It'd nevah apply to me. Evah. Yo' c'dn't beat th' rent an' eff'n yo' igno'ed the asbestos it warn't so bad, cuss it all t' tarnation.
I'd almost retched th' dores when ah reckanized ah was bein' follered, cuss it all t' tarnation. Shows whut depressed intryspeckshun'll does to yer survival reflex huh? ah concentrated, cuss it all t' tarnation. Didn't need enny so't of special abilities t'reckanize it was some ran'om gang, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Four lotsa footsteps. ah smiled an' ducked into yet t'other of the cities mahriad (great wo'd huh? mahriad, cuss it all t' tarnation.) alleys. On impulse I moved into th' shadows an' leaned aginst th' wall, ah reckon. Jest as they were drawin' level ah took a drag on mah cigar, lettin' its glow illuminate me. Cyberpunk. Shet mah mouth! They thunk it made them look daidly. ah thunk they looked like a gunfight at a bondage party. ah shook mah haid. Thet was an image thet was gonna haunt me fo' th' next coupla days. Their leather clothin', blatantly displayed weapons an' heavy piercin' combined t'make it look like someone was havin' a bad day. ah sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Eff'n they bothard me they'd find out who an' jest how bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thar were five. I'd missed one. ah was gittin' sloppy. Didn't matter though, I still outnumbered them one t'five. ah c'd only stay in the hoomin wo'ld fo' so long an' mah time was almost up. ah decided to lop straight t'th' point.
"Enny reason yer follerin' me?"
Fo' a streetwise gang of killers they sho'nuff were spooked easily. Th' leader prodooced a gun an' leveled it at mah fo'ehaid. A flick of his wrist an' a red dot laser sight ackivated, aimed square between mah eyes. ah didn't move. Mah lack of a reackshun was wo'ryin' him, dawgone it. Finally he announced
"This hyar is our turf o.k. Shet mah mouth!?"
T'other joined in wif
"On account o' it's our turf we gotta colleck taxes ya know? W'dn't do ta let tha place deterio'ate ya know?"
Thet prodooced a chuckle fum th' group an' ah fought th' urge to groan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Evil criminal masterminds they were not. In the darkness, mah smile turned into a definite grin, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' so't of grin a shark gives t'a divah befo'e sumpin digestive happens. ah made up mah mind an' relaxed, injoyin' th' sense of release as ah resoomd mah real fo'm, dawgone it.
Whut in tarnation'd come outta th' shadows'd pow'ful surprise them, dawgone it.
It'd be, quite accurately, th' surprise of their lives.
Helter-skelter wif th' wolves, but doesn't smell like possum.
Jean c'dn't believe whut was happenin', whut Oro'oe was doin'! Fry mah hide! This hyar sh'dn't be happenin'! Fry mah hide! She was married up wif t'Ole Jeb! Fry mah hide! All this hyar an' ev'ry other protess in her mind died as Sto'm slid her han' slowly down
Okay, now ah's sho'nuff ah have yer attenshun, it's time fo' the
Disclaimers-
Roun' up th' usual suspecks: ah own none of th' follerin'. 'Cepp fo' Cal, ah reckon. Th' chareeckers an' situashuns all belong t'someone else. As a matter of fack, ah's not real, eifer. ah's a psychic intity created an' sestained by three magic goldfish, junetically created remnants of th' cold war, currently hidin' in a secret unnergroun' bunker in Uzbekistan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Pansy me now! Fry mah hide!
This hyar c'd be th' beginnin' of a right purdy friendship: On account o' ah doesn't make enny money outta this, an' is gittin' only ego gratificashun, please feel free t'archive this. But do please tell me 'bout it. In a review mebbe? (Hint Hint)
Th' problems of two li'l varmints doesn't amount t'a hill of beans in this hyar crazy mixed up wo'ld: But ah's ratin' it PG jest t'be safe.
ah seem t'have gotten a li'l turned aroun' hyar. WHERE ARE WE! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!: They isn't sho'nuff when this hyar took place eifer, but ah massively altered th' time line usin' mah autho' powers ennyway.
ah's shocked, shocked, t'find gamblin' gwine on hyar: At least thar is no real spoilers. Wal okay probably some old ones.
Noo Yawk.
Like th' song says it's a helluva town, as enny fool kin plainly see. Right at thet point, it was rainin'. Reckons. Ennyway, ah was trudgin' through th' emppy streets, tryin' to igno'e th' giant Roaches thet scuttled fo' covah as ah kicked through th' drif's of sodden noospapers an' decayin' rubbish linin' th' street. ah idly tracked a roach as it scuttled into an alley. An indistinck shape detached fum th' shadows an' then disappeared, cuss it all t' tarnation. All was silent 'cepp fo' a quiet crunchin' noise. ah shook mah haid an' moved on, as enny fool kin plainly see. I'd heard sto'ies about th' homeless usin' th' roaches as a staple grub supply befo'e but I'd nevah believed them, till thet point ennyway. Right then it didn't matter t'me. It bothers th' hell outta me now though, an' so does th' fack ah jest walked on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Jest shows yo' how much varmints kin change.
A few blocks down an' ah came t'th' Hudson Rivah. A few minutes walk brought me t'a small park ah knows of. It's a li'l outta th' way so it's usually emppy. Safe too. It's kinda like neutral groun' fo' th' street gangs. ah guess even muggers need someplace t'take th' kids t'play ketch. I allus thunk it was one of th' nicess places in th' city. Th' way th' settin' sun sparkled off of th' windows in the tower blocks an' th' juntle gurglin' of th' rivah made it seem like all was right wif th' wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Out in th' rivah a body surfaced an' dispelled thet illushun. ah turned away, suddenly cold in a way thet had nothin' t'do wif th' temperature. Outside th' parks intrance ah paused a moment t'light up. Back then ah tended t'chain smoke cheap cigars. A quarter hour's wo'th of walkin' brought me t'th' wo'st part of th' city.
Whuffo'?
ah was livin' in an aban'oned buildin'. Th' remains of an ancient sign earmarked th' buildin' as unsueytable fo' hoomin habitashun. ah allus foun' thet amoosin'. It'd nevah apply to me. Evah. Yo' c'dn't beat th' rent an' eff'n yo' igno'ed the asbestos it warn't so bad, cuss it all t' tarnation.
I'd almost retched th' dores when ah reckanized ah was bein' follered, cuss it all t' tarnation. Shows whut depressed intryspeckshun'll does to yer survival reflex huh? ah concentrated, cuss it all t' tarnation. Didn't need enny so't of special abilities t'reckanize it was some ran'om gang, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Four lotsa footsteps. ah smiled an' ducked into yet t'other of the cities mahriad (great wo'd huh? mahriad, cuss it all t' tarnation.) alleys. On impulse I moved into th' shadows an' leaned aginst th' wall, ah reckon. Jest as they were drawin' level ah took a drag on mah cigar, lettin' its glow illuminate me. Cyberpunk. Shet mah mouth! They thunk it made them look daidly. ah thunk they looked like a gunfight at a bondage party. ah shook mah haid. Thet was an image thet was gonna haunt me fo' th' next coupla days. Their leather clothin', blatantly displayed weapons an' heavy piercin' combined t'make it look like someone was havin' a bad day. ah sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Eff'n they bothard me they'd find out who an' jest how bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thar were five. I'd missed one. ah was gittin' sloppy. Didn't matter though, I still outnumbered them one t'five. ah c'd only stay in the hoomin wo'ld fo' so long an' mah time was almost up. ah decided to lop straight t'th' point.
"Enny reason yer follerin' me?"
Fo' a streetwise gang of killers they sho'nuff were spooked easily. Th' leader prodooced a gun an' leveled it at mah fo'ehaid. A flick of his wrist an' a red dot laser sight ackivated, aimed square between mah eyes. ah didn't move. Mah lack of a reackshun was wo'ryin' him, dawgone it. Finally he announced
"This hyar is our turf o.k. Shet mah mouth!?"
T'other joined in wif
"On account o' it's our turf we gotta colleck taxes ya know? W'dn't do ta let tha place deterio'ate ya know?"
Thet prodooced a chuckle fum th' group an' ah fought th' urge to groan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Evil criminal masterminds they were not. In the darkness, mah smile turned into a definite grin, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' so't of grin a shark gives t'a divah befo'e sumpin digestive happens. ah made up mah mind an' relaxed, injoyin' th' sense of release as ah resoomd mah real fo'm, dawgone it.
Whut in tarnation'd come outta th' shadows'd pow'ful surprise them, dawgone it.
It'd be, quite accurately, th' surprise of their lives.