Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper two
Welcome t'mah wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Disclaimers-
This hyar is a local shop fo' local varmints: ah own only mah copy of evil daid three wif th' alternate endin' an' a three foot mountain of junk grub wrappers whar mah bin used t'be. It moves. ah swar! Fry mah hide! In th' night it moves!...Uh an' all chareeckers 'cept fo' Cal belong t'them nice varmints at Marvel, ah reckon. 'Cepp fo' Megaman, as enny fool kin plainly see. He belongs t'the nice varmints at Naimo.
Oh god! Fry mah hide! They knows whar ah live!: Archive this hyar an' I'll name mah fust born an' raised af'er yo'. Jest tell me about it at some point.
It may become necessary t'say th' wo'd ass at some point: ah's givin' this hyar chapper a PG too, jest t'be safe.
Lost, Alone, Confoozed an' dressed as a pirate: Kinon, as in so far outta whack wif th' real Marvel unyverse yo' c'd only git hyar by bein' fired fum one.
Hey, ah knows how this hyar ends!: Thar may be some spoilers, but they'll be old, cuss it all t' tarnation.
ah woke up th' next mo'nin' feelin' like hell, ah reckon. I'd made mah way back t'th' few not-as-derelick-as-the-rest-of-the-buildin' rooms thet sarved as mah home. Wif a groan ah dragged mahse'f outta th' room I'd been sleepin' in, as enny fool kin plainly see. On a table were the wallets an' weaponry ah had relieved th' gang of. ah warn't feelin' bad on account o' of th' fight, thet had lasted only a few seconds. ah was feelin' terrible on account o' ah AM NOT a mo'nin' varmint. ah idly toyed wif th' idea of killin' ev'ryone in the wo'ld who was but gave it up on account o' it'd haf taken too much effo't. Heh. Right aroun' thet point in mah day, ennythin' thet don't involve a six pack takes too much effo't. ah squatted in front of th' table an' managed af'er about three attempps to mutter
"Need a six pack."
Af'er some serious effo't thet even involved reckonin' at one point ah made th' a six pack. Sumpin warn't right. ah managed to reckon some mo'e. ah reckanized whut th' problem was. ah swo'e loudly. ah doesn't need ennythin' t'he'p me does thet in the mo'nin'. ah had absolutely no beer. Wif a sigh ah settled down fo' a nice long stare at mah empty of beer can.
Hey, it might he'p.
It didn't. Af'er about 15 minutes ah reckanized this.
ah looked on over at mah clock. Shet mah mouth! It read 1:12 pm, dawgone it. ah started swarin' agin. ah had no idea it was so early. Li'l did I knows thet mah day was only gonna git wo'se. ah finally got aroun' t'checkin' th' wallets of th' gang members. Less than fo'ty five dollars between them, dawgone it. Still thet was fo'ty five dollars mo'e than ah had befo'e countin' an' reckonin' about th' fight did make me feel a li'l better. Hey! Fry mah hide! Don't look at me like thet! Fry mah hide! ah's a guy. We hit stuff, we make fire an' we chase wimmen. In about thet o'der. ah was in a corndemned buildin', so fire was out an' fo' obvious reasons ah warn't evah gonna git t'enjoy enny so't of female o' th' opposite sex companionship thet ah w'dn't hafta pay fo' o' dig up fust. Violence it was. Mah (admittedly bizarre) train of thunk was suddenly derailed by a not mighty common in this hyar area noise. Cars. Lots of 'em, dawgone it. An' a truck. Shet mah mouth! Sumpin else too. Sumpin trimenjus. Mechanical, ah reckon. Probably a sentinel, ah reckon. I sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. It was allus sentinels. ah had a sudden realizashun thet slaughterin' five gang members right outside the buildin' ah was livin' in probably warn't a fine idea. ah took a moment t'pack up whut sparse belongin's ah had an' then run ovah th' fiendishly clevah excape plan I'd come up wif. Run, jump through th' window, fall three sto'ies t'th' street an' run away. Percentage chance of failure? Zero. Absolutely brilliant.
Thar's a reason varmints yell at me when ah try t'plan ennythin'. Kin yo' spot it?
It took all of thirty seven seconds fo' this hyar plan t'fail, ah reckon. Thirty seven, as enny fool kin plainly see. Even fo' one of mah plans it was bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' jump through th' window was flawless. An' impressive. Th' three sto'y drop warn't sumpin thet'd bother me. Hell, I'd probably walk away fum a thirty sto'y drop. It was the lan'in' thet all went wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! ah hit th' road, cuss it all t' tarnation. Went through the road, cuss it all t' tarnation. Foun' mahse'f sittin' ass deep in sewer water. ah can reckon on mah feet though. Or mah booty in this hyar case. ah was quickly up an' runnin'. Af'er a couple of miles ah figgerd I c'd stop runnin'. Or at least slow down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah came t'a Y- interseckshun. One path was purdy much th' same as th' one I was in, as enny fool kin plainly see. thar was whut soun'ed like footsteps a-comin' fum the other. Eff'n thar were varmints down thar mebbe thar was some place ah c'd crash. ah sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah hadn't been a fugitive fo' an hour an' ah was already corntemplatin' livin' in a sewer. Great. ah suddenly had a cravin' fo' nicotine. C'dn't exackly smoke though. Mo'e swarin'. One advantage flatscans. so'ry, hoomins haf thet ah doesn't is lips.
Ennyway.
ah set off agin. Whoevah had been runnin' had stopped, cuss it all t' tarnation. Unfo'tunately thar was definitely th' soun' of fightin' a-comin' fum up ahaid. ah moved into a mo' trimenjus chamber. Thar were six varmints inside, all of them felt like mutants. It looked like five of them were squarin' off aginst th' sixth. Wal, technically thar were six varmints. Three were down, as enny fool kin plainly see. The amount of splatter was a fine indicashun none of them were evah a-gonna git up agin. ah decided t'intervene. To this day ah doesn't knows whuffo'. ah moved towards th' mos' trimenjus varmint. I was assumin' it was a he. Th' guy was huge. Huge wif a capital H an' a mighty trimenjus uge. Nine feet tall, about five acrost at th' sh'ders, a sickly green colo', mooscles like a sock full of footballs an' wo'st of all, covahed in faces. Not marks o' scars o' tattoos thet looked like faces. Acshul faces. Wif movin' eyes. An' mouths. They were all talkin'. Not th' nicess mutant I've evah see. ah was suddenly glad I was usin' mah camouflage abilities. Eff'n ah stan' still ah's almost impostible t'see. ah's jest a transparent swirl in the air when ah move. ah call it th' Chameleon Stin'. Af'er stin' Chameleon fum Megaman X eff'n yo' muss know. ah love thet game. 'Cepp fo' Sigma. I.
Sidetracked agin.
So'ry.
Ennyway. ah was attackin' th' trimenjus mutant face guy. ah threw a punch into th' small of his back. Shet mah mouth! Mah claw cornnecked wif a mighty satisfyin' noise thet eff'n ah had t'dexcribe, I'd say was like a butcher hittin' a side of meat wif a cleavah. Mah camouflage dissipated jest as ev'ry face on his hide let out a howl an' he pitched fo'ward into the. fine I'll call the stuff water. Remember, at th' time ah was in a sewer. ah turned to t'other mutant. This hyar one had o'ange hair an' purple hide. All her limbs were long skimpy tendrils. Odds on thar were poison tipped o' razo' sharp. An' she c'd see me. I didn't menshun thet? Th' Chameleon Stin' only wawks till I take offensive ackshun. Dawgoneed inconvenient at times, virtually daidly at others. Still, other varmints manage t'win fights wifout bein' invisible.
ah tend t'go off on tanjunts doesn't I?
So'ry. Agin.
Th' mutant woomin made an almost elegant gesture towards me an' her fingers extended an' shot out towards me. No "Who is yo'! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!" Or "Yo'll pay fo' interferin'." Straight t'tryin' t'kill me. Varmints, fine, bad guys ennyway, tend t'like t'shout at attackers befo'e retaliatin'. Peekoolyar but true. ah quickly executed a flip to mah lef', dodgin' her attack an' as she turned t'foller me I retaliated, back flippin' an' ketchin' her unner her chin wif a hoof. She went down in a spray of blood an' teeth. Play th' chareecker indin's an' roll th' credits 'cos this game is on over.
ah suddenly felt a twingi in mah back. Shet mah mouth! A twingi thet developed into a sudden agonizin' bust of pain, as enny fool kin plainly see. Thankfully ah passed out at thet point. I'd fo'gotten about th' sixth varmint. Eff'n I had remembered I'd haf assoomd thet th' varmint'd be thankful fo' mah he'p. Trimenjus mistake.
When varmints talk about how one tiny decishun kin alter the course of someone's life, how choosin' one path on over t'other can completely alter yer destiny ah smile. Fo' me, in thet sewer, it happened literally an' it did indeed change mah life.
An' got me violently stabbed in th' back too.
Welcome t'mah wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Disclaimers-
This hyar is a local shop fo' local varmints: ah own only mah copy of evil daid three wif th' alternate endin' an' a three foot mountain of junk grub wrappers whar mah bin used t'be. It moves. ah swar! Fry mah hide! In th' night it moves!...Uh an' all chareeckers 'cept fo' Cal belong t'them nice varmints at Marvel, ah reckon. 'Cepp fo' Megaman, as enny fool kin plainly see. He belongs t'the nice varmints at Naimo.
Oh god! Fry mah hide! They knows whar ah live!: Archive this hyar an' I'll name mah fust born an' raised af'er yo'. Jest tell me about it at some point.
It may become necessary t'say th' wo'd ass at some point: ah's givin' this hyar chapper a PG too, jest t'be safe.
Lost, Alone, Confoozed an' dressed as a pirate: Kinon, as in so far outta whack wif th' real Marvel unyverse yo' c'd only git hyar by bein' fired fum one.
Hey, ah knows how this hyar ends!: Thar may be some spoilers, but they'll be old, cuss it all t' tarnation.
ah woke up th' next mo'nin' feelin' like hell, ah reckon. I'd made mah way back t'th' few not-as-derelick-as-the-rest-of-the-buildin' rooms thet sarved as mah home. Wif a groan ah dragged mahse'f outta th' room I'd been sleepin' in, as enny fool kin plainly see. On a table were the wallets an' weaponry ah had relieved th' gang of. ah warn't feelin' bad on account o' of th' fight, thet had lasted only a few seconds. ah was feelin' terrible on account o' ah AM NOT a mo'nin' varmint. ah idly toyed wif th' idea of killin' ev'ryone in the wo'ld who was but gave it up on account o' it'd haf taken too much effo't. Heh. Right aroun' thet point in mah day, ennythin' thet don't involve a six pack takes too much effo't. ah squatted in front of th' table an' managed af'er about three attempps to mutter
"Need a six pack."
Af'er some serious effo't thet even involved reckonin' at one point ah made th' a six pack. Sumpin warn't right. ah managed to reckon some mo'e. ah reckanized whut th' problem was. ah swo'e loudly. ah doesn't need ennythin' t'he'p me does thet in the mo'nin'. ah had absolutely no beer. Wif a sigh ah settled down fo' a nice long stare at mah empty of beer can.
Hey, it might he'p.
It didn't. Af'er about 15 minutes ah reckanized this.
ah looked on over at mah clock. Shet mah mouth! It read 1:12 pm, dawgone it. ah started swarin' agin. ah had no idea it was so early. Li'l did I knows thet mah day was only gonna git wo'se. ah finally got aroun' t'checkin' th' wallets of th' gang members. Less than fo'ty five dollars between them, dawgone it. Still thet was fo'ty five dollars mo'e than ah had befo'e countin' an' reckonin' about th' fight did make me feel a li'l better. Hey! Fry mah hide! Don't look at me like thet! Fry mah hide! ah's a guy. We hit stuff, we make fire an' we chase wimmen. In about thet o'der. ah was in a corndemned buildin', so fire was out an' fo' obvious reasons ah warn't evah gonna git t'enjoy enny so't of female o' th' opposite sex companionship thet ah w'dn't hafta pay fo' o' dig up fust. Violence it was. Mah (admittedly bizarre) train of thunk was suddenly derailed by a not mighty common in this hyar area noise. Cars. Lots of 'em, dawgone it. An' a truck. Shet mah mouth! Sumpin else too. Sumpin trimenjus. Mechanical, ah reckon. Probably a sentinel, ah reckon. I sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. It was allus sentinels. ah had a sudden realizashun thet slaughterin' five gang members right outside the buildin' ah was livin' in probably warn't a fine idea. ah took a moment t'pack up whut sparse belongin's ah had an' then run ovah th' fiendishly clevah excape plan I'd come up wif. Run, jump through th' window, fall three sto'ies t'th' street an' run away. Percentage chance of failure? Zero. Absolutely brilliant.
Thar's a reason varmints yell at me when ah try t'plan ennythin'. Kin yo' spot it?
It took all of thirty seven seconds fo' this hyar plan t'fail, ah reckon. Thirty seven, as enny fool kin plainly see. Even fo' one of mah plans it was bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' jump through th' window was flawless. An' impressive. Th' three sto'y drop warn't sumpin thet'd bother me. Hell, I'd probably walk away fum a thirty sto'y drop. It was the lan'in' thet all went wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! ah hit th' road, cuss it all t' tarnation. Went through the road, cuss it all t' tarnation. Foun' mahse'f sittin' ass deep in sewer water. ah can reckon on mah feet though. Or mah booty in this hyar case. ah was quickly up an' runnin'. Af'er a couple of miles ah figgerd I c'd stop runnin'. Or at least slow down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah came t'a Y- interseckshun. One path was purdy much th' same as th' one I was in, as enny fool kin plainly see. thar was whut soun'ed like footsteps a-comin' fum the other. Eff'n thar were varmints down thar mebbe thar was some place ah c'd crash. ah sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah hadn't been a fugitive fo' an hour an' ah was already corntemplatin' livin' in a sewer. Great. ah suddenly had a cravin' fo' nicotine. C'dn't exackly smoke though. Mo'e swarin'. One advantage flatscans. so'ry, hoomins haf thet ah doesn't is lips.
Ennyway.
ah set off agin. Whoevah had been runnin' had stopped, cuss it all t' tarnation. Unfo'tunately thar was definitely th' soun' of fightin' a-comin' fum up ahaid. ah moved into a mo' trimenjus chamber. Thar were six varmints inside, all of them felt like mutants. It looked like five of them were squarin' off aginst th' sixth. Wal, technically thar were six varmints. Three were down, as enny fool kin plainly see. The amount of splatter was a fine indicashun none of them were evah a-gonna git up agin. ah decided t'intervene. To this day ah doesn't knows whuffo'. ah moved towards th' mos' trimenjus varmint. I was assumin' it was a he. Th' guy was huge. Huge wif a capital H an' a mighty trimenjus uge. Nine feet tall, about five acrost at th' sh'ders, a sickly green colo', mooscles like a sock full of footballs an' wo'st of all, covahed in faces. Not marks o' scars o' tattoos thet looked like faces. Acshul faces. Wif movin' eyes. An' mouths. They were all talkin'. Not th' nicess mutant I've evah see. ah was suddenly glad I was usin' mah camouflage abilities. Eff'n ah stan' still ah's almost impostible t'see. ah's jest a transparent swirl in the air when ah move. ah call it th' Chameleon Stin'. Af'er stin' Chameleon fum Megaman X eff'n yo' muss know. ah love thet game. 'Cepp fo' Sigma. I.
Sidetracked agin.
So'ry.
Ennyway. ah was attackin' th' trimenjus mutant face guy. ah threw a punch into th' small of his back. Shet mah mouth! Mah claw cornnecked wif a mighty satisfyin' noise thet eff'n ah had t'dexcribe, I'd say was like a butcher hittin' a side of meat wif a cleavah. Mah camouflage dissipated jest as ev'ry face on his hide let out a howl an' he pitched fo'ward into the. fine I'll call the stuff water. Remember, at th' time ah was in a sewer. ah turned to t'other mutant. This hyar one had o'ange hair an' purple hide. All her limbs were long skimpy tendrils. Odds on thar were poison tipped o' razo' sharp. An' she c'd see me. I didn't menshun thet? Th' Chameleon Stin' only wawks till I take offensive ackshun. Dawgoneed inconvenient at times, virtually daidly at others. Still, other varmints manage t'win fights wifout bein' invisible.
ah tend t'go off on tanjunts doesn't I?
So'ry. Agin.
Th' mutant woomin made an almost elegant gesture towards me an' her fingers extended an' shot out towards me. No "Who is yo'! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!" Or "Yo'll pay fo' interferin'." Straight t'tryin' t'kill me. Varmints, fine, bad guys ennyway, tend t'like t'shout at attackers befo'e retaliatin'. Peekoolyar but true. ah quickly executed a flip to mah lef', dodgin' her attack an' as she turned t'foller me I retaliated, back flippin' an' ketchin' her unner her chin wif a hoof. She went down in a spray of blood an' teeth. Play th' chareecker indin's an' roll th' credits 'cos this game is on over.
ah suddenly felt a twingi in mah back. Shet mah mouth! A twingi thet developed into a sudden agonizin' bust of pain, as enny fool kin plainly see. Thankfully ah passed out at thet point. I'd fo'gotten about th' sixth varmint. Eff'n I had remembered I'd haf assoomd thet th' varmint'd be thankful fo' mah he'p. Trimenjus mistake.
When varmints talk about how one tiny decishun kin alter the course of someone's life, how choosin' one path on over t'other can completely alter yer destiny ah smile. Fo' me, in thet sewer, it happened literally an' it did indeed change mah life.
An' got me violently stabbed in th' back too.