Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Three
Last Trackshun Hero.
Disclaimers-
"ah jest invented bleedin' t'death through th' nipples! Arrrggghhh.": Jest like th' fine varmints at Celebrity Death match own thet quote th' fine varmints at Marvel own ev'ryone 'cept fo' Cal, ah reckon.
ah can see mah house fum hyar! Fry mah hide!: Yo' wanna archive, feel free. Tell me about it though.
It's not illegal eff'n ah doesn't see it happen! Fry mah hide!: As usual this hyar gits a PG. Rather safe than sued by th' PTA.
"Hey! Fry mah hide! Yo' evah notice thet on page three thirty five his name is Cylops?": So alternate unyverse it gits its own postcode.
"Luke, ah's yer Pappy! Fry mah hide!": Spoilers mebbe, but ancient ones.
ah was lyin' on a right purdy, deserted tropical betch. Th' sun was shinin', th' sky was cloudless an' blue, th' sea was calm an' ev'rythin' was wonnerful in th' wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thet warn't right. ah allus avoid th' sun, as enny fool kin plainly see. Mo'e shadows at dawn, dusk an' night time. Easier t'hide.
Meh.
Yessuh, ah said meh.
It's th' vahbal equivalent of th' 'ah doesn't care' shrug, as prackiced by teenagers th' wo'ld on over.
This hyar time it's yer fault ah went off on a tanjunt.
Ennyway, ah decided t'fo'git about it. It was too relaxin' to wo'ry about ennythin'. ah yawned an' stretched out mah arms an' extended mah win's. Or tried to. Mah win's were gone. This warn't wo'ryin' me as much as it sh'd. ah scratched mah haid in cornfushun. Thar was sumpin wrong wif mah arm too. I stared at it fo' a spell an' gave up.
ah closed mah eyes. I'd wawk it out later.
Or not. ah suddenly reckanized whut was wrong. Ah had a han'. Mah claw was gone. ah opened mah eyes agin an' looked down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah was hoomin. Fully hoomin. Thet warn't right. ah sh'dn't be able to shif' t'mah hoomin fo'm fo' at least two weeks.
Meh.
Mo'e vahbal shruggin'.
Mo'e tanjunts. So'ry. ah pow'ful sh'd try t'stop doin' thet. It muss be pow'ful annoyin'.
ah's doin' it now isn't I?
Ennyway, ah was lyin' on a betch, fully hoomin an' feelin' too relaxed t'care how. ah rolled onto mah back. Shet mah mouth! Thar was a sudden sharp pain, as enny fool kin plainly see. I remember reckonin' sumpin along th' lines of 'Owowowow. It bit me! Th' betch bit me!' Not exackly a logical train of thunk is it? Sumpin was happenin' t'th' sky. It was fallin'. No, thet warn't right. It was slowly lowerin'. An' changin'. Crackin' an' bea- comin' pitted, cuss it all t' tarnation. It resolved itse'f into a ceilin'. Th' sun had changed itse'f into a low watt eleckric light bulb. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. ah closed all mah eyes an' groaned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Most of mah back was in agony. Terrible, nightmarish, bein' made t'lissen t'Britney Spears while warin' a blindfold so ah w'dn't be able t'distrack mahse'f fum th' moosic by lookin' at her ass painful, ah reckon. I managed a low level echo pulse. ah was in a basement. A basement occupied by two varmints. One was me, obviously. The other was.
Whut in tarnation? Echo pulse? It's like when yo' hold yer nose an' blow till yer ears pop.
Is it jest me o' does thet sentence soun' wrong somehow?
Ennyway.
It's kinda like a do'phin's sonar. 'Cept not in water, obviously. An' much mo'e sensitive. An' by th' way, it's yer fault I've gotten off topic.
Agin.
Thar was a sudden noise. Whoevah was in th' room was pacin'. An' mutterin'.
"Whut in tarnation was ah reckonin'! Fry mah hide!...Brin'in' it."
Thar was a pause. Th' voice corntinued, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Brin'in' him hyar."
Thet was noo. No had evah not called me an it. Did thet sentence make sense?
"Stoopid upwo'lders hate me.whuffo' sh'd they treat him diffruntly.whuffo' is ah even axin' thet? He's not me.of course they'll treat him wif respeck.they'll be hankerin' t'he'p him, dawgone it.whuffo' did ah he'p him?..."
Th' voice was gittin' angry. Th' pacin' stopped fo' a moment then resoomd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Retched t'other side of th' room an' turned aroun'. ah felt peekoolyarly proud of realizin' thet fack. Guess ah still warn't one hundred percent.
"...No one evah he'ped me."
Th' voice suddenly soun'ed sadder too.
"...no one."
Much sadder.
ah groaned agin. Louder this hyar time. ah wanted t'find out how they (whoevah they were)'d reack eff'n they thunk ah was wakin' up befo'e ah acshully let 'em find out ah was awake. Thet way eff'n thin's were pow'ful bad an' I'd been cappured by th' Friends of Humanity o' th' Society Of Preventin' The Mutants Eatin' Mah Baby o' whutevah I'd haf an extry few seconds of shriekin' an' runnin' away time.
Stop lookin' at me like thet.
ah's not a coward, cuss it all t' tarnation. Seriously, ah's not. ah jest haf a small issue wif bein' bett up t'death by an angry mob on account o' ah's carryin' unfashionable DNA.
Ennyway, it's like th' old sayin' goes- 'He who shrieks an' runs away lives t'flee t'other day.'
Th' footsteps an' th' mutterin' stopped fo' a second an' then th' varmint hurried outta th' room, dawgone it. ah relaxed a li'l. ah was allus uncomfy aroun' other varmints. ah guess ah still is, sometimes ennyway. ah decided t'wait, see whut happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. They might be careless an' let sumpin useful slip. Thet an' it pow'ful hurt t'move.
Af'er about five minutes th' footsteps returned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Two varmints this time.
"He groaned, cuss it all t' tarnation."
"Is yo' sartin?"
"..."
"Yo' knows this'd be so much simpler eff'n we moved him to th' infirmary?"
"..."
ah remember reckonin' 'Ok, eifer th' fust varmint jest turned into a tellypath o' them were the dawgoned-est expressive silences I've evah heard, cuss it all t' tarnation.' I'd allus thunk ah was th' master of th' disgruntled scowl technique but even wifout openin' mah eyes ah knowed ah was outclassed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
ah felt someone examine mah back. Shet mah mouth! Serious pain happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. I tensed up. Th' varmint moved back. Shet mah mouth! ah c'd hear th' two of them talkin' but infuriatin'ly ah c'dn't hear whut they were talkin' about. One of th' varmints lef'. Finally t'other spoke.
"ah knows yer awake."
Dammit.
"Eff'n yo' still were unconscious yo''dn't haf flinched, cuss it all t' tarnation."
Time t'face th' moosic.
ah opened mah eyes.
Last Trackshun Hero.
Disclaimers-
"ah jest invented bleedin' t'death through th' nipples! Arrrggghhh.": Jest like th' fine varmints at Celebrity Death match own thet quote th' fine varmints at Marvel own ev'ryone 'cept fo' Cal, ah reckon.
ah can see mah house fum hyar! Fry mah hide!: Yo' wanna archive, feel free. Tell me about it though.
It's not illegal eff'n ah doesn't see it happen! Fry mah hide!: As usual this hyar gits a PG. Rather safe than sued by th' PTA.
"Hey! Fry mah hide! Yo' evah notice thet on page three thirty five his name is Cylops?": So alternate unyverse it gits its own postcode.
"Luke, ah's yer Pappy! Fry mah hide!": Spoilers mebbe, but ancient ones.
ah was lyin' on a right purdy, deserted tropical betch. Th' sun was shinin', th' sky was cloudless an' blue, th' sea was calm an' ev'rythin' was wonnerful in th' wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thet warn't right. ah allus avoid th' sun, as enny fool kin plainly see. Mo'e shadows at dawn, dusk an' night time. Easier t'hide.
Meh.
Yessuh, ah said meh.
It's th' vahbal equivalent of th' 'ah doesn't care' shrug, as prackiced by teenagers th' wo'ld on over.
This hyar time it's yer fault ah went off on a tanjunt.
Ennyway, ah decided t'fo'git about it. It was too relaxin' to wo'ry about ennythin'. ah yawned an' stretched out mah arms an' extended mah win's. Or tried to. Mah win's were gone. This warn't wo'ryin' me as much as it sh'd. ah scratched mah haid in cornfushun. Thar was sumpin wrong wif mah arm too. I stared at it fo' a spell an' gave up.
ah closed mah eyes. I'd wawk it out later.
Or not. ah suddenly reckanized whut was wrong. Ah had a han'. Mah claw was gone. ah opened mah eyes agin an' looked down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah was hoomin. Fully hoomin. Thet warn't right. ah sh'dn't be able to shif' t'mah hoomin fo'm fo' at least two weeks.
Meh.
Mo'e vahbal shruggin'.
Mo'e tanjunts. So'ry. ah pow'ful sh'd try t'stop doin' thet. It muss be pow'ful annoyin'.
ah's doin' it now isn't I?
Ennyway, ah was lyin' on a betch, fully hoomin an' feelin' too relaxed t'care how. ah rolled onto mah back. Shet mah mouth! Thar was a sudden sharp pain, as enny fool kin plainly see. I remember reckonin' sumpin along th' lines of 'Owowowow. It bit me! Th' betch bit me!' Not exackly a logical train of thunk is it? Sumpin was happenin' t'th' sky. It was fallin'. No, thet warn't right. It was slowly lowerin'. An' changin'. Crackin' an' bea- comin' pitted, cuss it all t' tarnation. It resolved itse'f into a ceilin'. Th' sun had changed itse'f into a low watt eleckric light bulb. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. ah closed all mah eyes an' groaned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Most of mah back was in agony. Terrible, nightmarish, bein' made t'lissen t'Britney Spears while warin' a blindfold so ah w'dn't be able t'distrack mahse'f fum th' moosic by lookin' at her ass painful, ah reckon. I managed a low level echo pulse. ah was in a basement. A basement occupied by two varmints. One was me, obviously. The other was.
Whut in tarnation? Echo pulse? It's like when yo' hold yer nose an' blow till yer ears pop.
Is it jest me o' does thet sentence soun' wrong somehow?
Ennyway.
It's kinda like a do'phin's sonar. 'Cept not in water, obviously. An' much mo'e sensitive. An' by th' way, it's yer fault I've gotten off topic.
Agin.
Thar was a sudden noise. Whoevah was in th' room was pacin'. An' mutterin'.
"Whut in tarnation was ah reckonin'! Fry mah hide!...Brin'in' it."
Thar was a pause. Th' voice corntinued, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Brin'in' him hyar."
Thet was noo. No had evah not called me an it. Did thet sentence make sense?
"Stoopid upwo'lders hate me.whuffo' sh'd they treat him diffruntly.whuffo' is ah even axin' thet? He's not me.of course they'll treat him wif respeck.they'll be hankerin' t'he'p him, dawgone it.whuffo' did ah he'p him?..."
Th' voice was gittin' angry. Th' pacin' stopped fo' a moment then resoomd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Retched t'other side of th' room an' turned aroun'. ah felt peekoolyarly proud of realizin' thet fack. Guess ah still warn't one hundred percent.
"...No one evah he'ped me."
Th' voice suddenly soun'ed sadder too.
"...no one."
Much sadder.
ah groaned agin. Louder this hyar time. ah wanted t'find out how they (whoevah they were)'d reack eff'n they thunk ah was wakin' up befo'e ah acshully let 'em find out ah was awake. Thet way eff'n thin's were pow'ful bad an' I'd been cappured by th' Friends of Humanity o' th' Society Of Preventin' The Mutants Eatin' Mah Baby o' whutevah I'd haf an extry few seconds of shriekin' an' runnin' away time.
Stop lookin' at me like thet.
ah's not a coward, cuss it all t' tarnation. Seriously, ah's not. ah jest haf a small issue wif bein' bett up t'death by an angry mob on account o' ah's carryin' unfashionable DNA.
Ennyway, it's like th' old sayin' goes- 'He who shrieks an' runs away lives t'flee t'other day.'
Th' footsteps an' th' mutterin' stopped fo' a second an' then th' varmint hurried outta th' room, dawgone it. ah relaxed a li'l. ah was allus uncomfy aroun' other varmints. ah guess ah still is, sometimes ennyway. ah decided t'wait, see whut happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. They might be careless an' let sumpin useful slip. Thet an' it pow'ful hurt t'move.
Af'er about five minutes th' footsteps returned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Two varmints this time.
"He groaned, cuss it all t' tarnation."
"Is yo' sartin?"
"..."
"Yo' knows this'd be so much simpler eff'n we moved him to th' infirmary?"
"..."
ah remember reckonin' 'Ok, eifer th' fust varmint jest turned into a tellypath o' them were the dawgoned-est expressive silences I've evah heard, cuss it all t' tarnation.' I'd allus thunk ah was th' master of th' disgruntled scowl technique but even wifout openin' mah eyes ah knowed ah was outclassed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
ah felt someone examine mah back. Shet mah mouth! Serious pain happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. I tensed up. Th' varmint moved back. Shet mah mouth! ah c'd hear th' two of them talkin' but infuriatin'ly ah c'dn't hear whut they were talkin' about. One of th' varmints lef'. Finally t'other spoke.
"ah knows yer awake."
Dammit.
"Eff'n yo' still were unconscious yo''dn't haf flinched, cuss it all t' tarnation."
Time t'face th' moosic.
ah opened mah eyes.