Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Four
Th' Nature Of Th' Beast
Disclaimers-
"Let mah varmints hoof it free!": ah own No one but Cal, ah reckon. Wal not pow'ful, thet'd be slavery. ah leave th' enslavement of pore defenceless superheroes an' heroines t'our evil on overlo'ds at Marvel who own ev'ryone else menshuned, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Hey maw! Fry mah hide! ah's onna TV! Fry mah hide! WOOHOO! Fry mah hide!": Yo' doesn't even need mah permisshun t'archive this. Jest tell me were it is.
"Ooh, corntrovahsial! Fry mah hide!": This hyar gits a PG. all mah sto'ies does. W'dn't be hankerin' a small chile t'read a bad wo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. No one knows whar th' ho'ro''d end, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Weird, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' Golden Grahams tasted th' same on th' way down as they did on th' way back up.": Thar may seem t'be corntinuity but thar is not. Hey, thet was prackically Zen! Fry mah hide! How right fine is I?
Thet's yer ho'oscope fo' today: Thar may indeed be spoilers, but they will be mighty old, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Wow. Thet was mah fust thunk. An' mah second, cuss it all t' tarnation. Mah third was 'ah wonner eff'n she's seein' ennyone.' Ev'ryone knows ennythin''s legal in Mexico. It's th' Amerkan way. Mah fourth thunk warn't even legal thar. She was tall, mooscular an' had pink hair. Varmints talk about supermodels wif pow'ful fine bones struckure, but none of 'em evah had ennythin' like she did, cuss it all t' tarnation. Hers was external in some places, fo' a start. Thar was a cress on her fo'ehaid runnin' along her eyebrows an' down th' bridge of her nose wif a spike curvin' upwards fum th' centre, as fine as one curvin' down etch side of her haid framin' her face. She looked like she was warin' an elabo'ate facemax. Her collar bones had grown out an' fused so she looked like she was also warin' a mighty o'nate collar. One her right side three spines were growin' fum her back an' aroun' her sh'der. On her lef' two much mo' trimenjus spikes were protrudin'. Three mo'e spikes were protrudin' fum her fo'earm, dawgone it.
ah mentally shook mahse'f. 'Say sumpin right fine! Fry mah hide! Say sumpin right fine! Fry mah hide!' ah managed a tentative
"Uh. hi?"
'Real right fine. James Bond fears th' day yo' come fo' his job. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker.' 'Dammit brain, reckon of sumpin thet'll impress her o' I'll stab yo' t'death wif a Q-tip.'
She was lookin' at me in a mighty peekoolyar way. ah pow'ful hoped I'd jest thunk about stabbin' mah brain t'death wif a Q- tip an' hadn't acshully said ennythin' out loud, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah wonnered eff'n she'd believe ah was delirious.
"Marrow."
I'll allus remember thet. It was th' fust time she evah spoke t'me.
Wal okay, technically it warn't th' fust time she'd evah spoken t'me. On account o' I'd been fakin' unconsciousness th' fust time an' had mah eyes shet it didn't count. Eff'n yo' doesn't see sumpin it don't count. Ev'ryone knows thet. Mah reply was less than stunnin' though. Jest a li'l.
"Uh... wha?"
Fum her tone, her opinion of me was sinkin' fast.
"Kin yo' even speak? Try sumpin wif syllables. Git fo' Two. Three eff'n yo' feel up t'it."
At thet point she was abusin' sarcasm, dawgone it. ah told her so.
ah managed t'pull mahse'f t'mah feet. ah decided t'be friendly. ah smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. She eemeejutly dropped into a fightin' stance as fine as grabbin' one of her sh'der spikes an' wif a sickenin' tearin' noise ripped it out. ah knows ah's not th' bess lookin' guy aroun' o' ennythin' but havin' someone try t'pull her skeleton out 'cos ah smiled at her was kind of ego destroyin'. Unfo'tunately she was now holdin' th' spike like a weapon, as enny fool kin plainly see. It looked unpleasantly sharp. ah realised ah was stuck in a basement wif an angry woomin holdin' a mighty nasty lookin' boneswo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Situashun bad, gittin' wo'se. Lookin' back though, ah suppose her reackshun was unnerstan'able. ah mean look at me, ah's nine feet tall, ah have two mighty trimenjus win's, mah lef' arm terminates in a claw comprised of three huge talons. Mah lef' fo'earm also comprises a plasma kinnon thet fires outta mah palm, dawgone it.
Between th' talons an' th' gun ah can pow'ful give someone a bitchslap.
Whut in tarnation else? Oh yea. ah also haf a tail, ah reckon. It's prehensile.
An' hooves. They're kinda like a hosses.
ah doesn't exackly haf hide eifer. It's. ah call it bio- armour. It's like part of me, but it ain't. It's tough, light affo'ds amazin' proteckshun aginst kinetic an' inergy attacks but its like gwine through life wrapped in thick cotton wool, ah reckon. Mighty thick cotton wool, ah reckon. ah can barely feel ennythin' at the bess of times. Physical sensashuns is rare fo' me. It's a curse an' a blessin'.
Wal. mo'e of a curse.
A lot mo'e.
ah bar a strikin' resemblance t'a Death Adder. Mah face ennyway. Death Adders is like Rattlesnakes only a hell of a lot meaner. Instead of a few fangs ah have lotsa mighty trimenjus, mighty sharp teeth. Smilin' makes me look like ah's about to chew yer face off. Not exackly reassurin' but th' bess ah can does. Mah only redeemin' feature is thet mah tongue has close t'a five foot retch.
All in all ah look like th' bastard offsprin' of Jaws an' the thin' fum Aliens.
Now kin yo' unnerstan' whuffo' ah avoid crowds? Whuffo' ah avoid ev'ryone? ah live in a wo'ld were varmints is persecuted fo' mutashuns as mino' as diffruntly coloured hide o' hair. Yo' kin imagine how society at large'd reack t'me.
Thet has t'be th' mos' trimenjus this-has-absolutely-nothin'-to-do- wif-the- sto'y tanjunt I've evah gone off on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Most depressin' one too, 'specially towards th' end, cuss it all t' tarnation.
So'ry.
Ennyway.
ah slowly raised mah han's in a gesture of peace.
She relaxed a li'l. Stood up. Af'er a moments indecishun she turned an' haided towards th' dore. ah c'd sense her internal cornflick about turnin' her back on me. It felt peekoolyar thet some who had jest met me'd trest me outright. It felt peekoolyar thet ennyone'd trest me. ah resolved thet eff'n ah c'd he'p it I w'dn't does ennythin' t'make her regret thet. Finally she spoke.
"Come on, as enny fool kin plainly see. I'll intrydooce yo' t't'others
Th' Nature Of Th' Beast
Disclaimers-
"Let mah varmints hoof it free!": ah own No one but Cal, ah reckon. Wal not pow'ful, thet'd be slavery. ah leave th' enslavement of pore defenceless superheroes an' heroines t'our evil on overlo'ds at Marvel who own ev'ryone else menshuned, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Hey maw! Fry mah hide! ah's onna TV! Fry mah hide! WOOHOO! Fry mah hide!": Yo' doesn't even need mah permisshun t'archive this. Jest tell me were it is.
"Ooh, corntrovahsial! Fry mah hide!": This hyar gits a PG. all mah sto'ies does. W'dn't be hankerin' a small chile t'read a bad wo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. No one knows whar th' ho'ro''d end, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Weird, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' Golden Grahams tasted th' same on th' way down as they did on th' way back up.": Thar may seem t'be corntinuity but thar is not. Hey, thet was prackically Zen! Fry mah hide! How right fine is I?
Thet's yer ho'oscope fo' today: Thar may indeed be spoilers, but they will be mighty old, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Wow. Thet was mah fust thunk. An' mah second, cuss it all t' tarnation. Mah third was 'ah wonner eff'n she's seein' ennyone.' Ev'ryone knows ennythin''s legal in Mexico. It's th' Amerkan way. Mah fourth thunk warn't even legal thar. She was tall, mooscular an' had pink hair. Varmints talk about supermodels wif pow'ful fine bones struckure, but none of 'em evah had ennythin' like she did, cuss it all t' tarnation. Hers was external in some places, fo' a start. Thar was a cress on her fo'ehaid runnin' along her eyebrows an' down th' bridge of her nose wif a spike curvin' upwards fum th' centre, as fine as one curvin' down etch side of her haid framin' her face. She looked like she was warin' an elabo'ate facemax. Her collar bones had grown out an' fused so she looked like she was also warin' a mighty o'nate collar. One her right side three spines were growin' fum her back an' aroun' her sh'der. On her lef' two much mo' trimenjus spikes were protrudin'. Three mo'e spikes were protrudin' fum her fo'earm, dawgone it.
ah mentally shook mahse'f. 'Say sumpin right fine! Fry mah hide! Say sumpin right fine! Fry mah hide!' ah managed a tentative
"Uh. hi?"
'Real right fine. James Bond fears th' day yo' come fo' his job. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker.' 'Dammit brain, reckon of sumpin thet'll impress her o' I'll stab yo' t'death wif a Q-tip.'
She was lookin' at me in a mighty peekoolyar way. ah pow'ful hoped I'd jest thunk about stabbin' mah brain t'death wif a Q- tip an' hadn't acshully said ennythin' out loud, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah wonnered eff'n she'd believe ah was delirious.
"Marrow."
I'll allus remember thet. It was th' fust time she evah spoke t'me.
Wal okay, technically it warn't th' fust time she'd evah spoken t'me. On account o' I'd been fakin' unconsciousness th' fust time an' had mah eyes shet it didn't count. Eff'n yo' doesn't see sumpin it don't count. Ev'ryone knows thet. Mah reply was less than stunnin' though. Jest a li'l.
"Uh... wha?"
Fum her tone, her opinion of me was sinkin' fast.
"Kin yo' even speak? Try sumpin wif syllables. Git fo' Two. Three eff'n yo' feel up t'it."
At thet point she was abusin' sarcasm, dawgone it. ah told her so.
ah managed t'pull mahse'f t'mah feet. ah decided t'be friendly. ah smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. She eemeejutly dropped into a fightin' stance as fine as grabbin' one of her sh'der spikes an' wif a sickenin' tearin' noise ripped it out. ah knows ah's not th' bess lookin' guy aroun' o' ennythin' but havin' someone try t'pull her skeleton out 'cos ah smiled at her was kind of ego destroyin'. Unfo'tunately she was now holdin' th' spike like a weapon, as enny fool kin plainly see. It looked unpleasantly sharp. ah realised ah was stuck in a basement wif an angry woomin holdin' a mighty nasty lookin' boneswo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Situashun bad, gittin' wo'se. Lookin' back though, ah suppose her reackshun was unnerstan'able. ah mean look at me, ah's nine feet tall, ah have two mighty trimenjus win's, mah lef' arm terminates in a claw comprised of three huge talons. Mah lef' fo'earm also comprises a plasma kinnon thet fires outta mah palm, dawgone it.
Between th' talons an' th' gun ah can pow'ful give someone a bitchslap.
Whut in tarnation else? Oh yea. ah also haf a tail, ah reckon. It's prehensile.
An' hooves. They're kinda like a hosses.
ah doesn't exackly haf hide eifer. It's. ah call it bio- armour. It's like part of me, but it ain't. It's tough, light affo'ds amazin' proteckshun aginst kinetic an' inergy attacks but its like gwine through life wrapped in thick cotton wool, ah reckon. Mighty thick cotton wool, ah reckon. ah can barely feel ennythin' at the bess of times. Physical sensashuns is rare fo' me. It's a curse an' a blessin'.
Wal. mo'e of a curse.
A lot mo'e.
ah bar a strikin' resemblance t'a Death Adder. Mah face ennyway. Death Adders is like Rattlesnakes only a hell of a lot meaner. Instead of a few fangs ah have lotsa mighty trimenjus, mighty sharp teeth. Smilin' makes me look like ah's about to chew yer face off. Not exackly reassurin' but th' bess ah can does. Mah only redeemin' feature is thet mah tongue has close t'a five foot retch.
All in all ah look like th' bastard offsprin' of Jaws an' the thin' fum Aliens.
Now kin yo' unnerstan' whuffo' ah avoid crowds? Whuffo' ah avoid ev'ryone? ah live in a wo'ld were varmints is persecuted fo' mutashuns as mino' as diffruntly coloured hide o' hair. Yo' kin imagine how society at large'd reack t'me.
Thet has t'be th' mos' trimenjus this-has-absolutely-nothin'-to-do- wif-the- sto'y tanjunt I've evah gone off on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Most depressin' one too, 'specially towards th' end, cuss it all t' tarnation.
So'ry.
Ennyway.
ah slowly raised mah han's in a gesture of peace.
She relaxed a li'l. Stood up. Af'er a moments indecishun she turned an' haided towards th' dore. ah c'd sense her internal cornflick about turnin' her back on me. It felt peekoolyar thet some who had jest met me'd trest me outright. It felt peekoolyar thet ennyone'd trest me. ah resolved thet eff'n ah c'd he'p it I w'dn't does ennythin' t'make her regret thet. Finally she spoke.
"Come on, as enny fool kin plainly see. I'll intrydooce yo' t't'others