Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Five
We an' ah be Meetin' Th' X-men, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Disclaimers-
"ah resent thet implicashun! Fry mah hide! Mah chareecker is origeenal! Fry mah hide! How menny Italian plumber superheroes kin yo' reckon of, huh?": Cal's mine. Ev'ryone else belongs t'Marvel, ah reckon. Yo' kin tell they doesn't belong t'me on account o' eff'n they did thar'd be a swimsueyt issue. Still a man kin dream, dawgone it.
"Do yer hankerin' it suh?" "Oh, does yo' suh? Do yer hankerin' it?": Eff'n yer hankerin' t'archive this, ah will build a shrine t'yo' an' wo'ship yo' as a god, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Whutevah floats yer boat": PG. As usual, ah reckon.
Zen an' th' art of tempo'al discontinuity: Peekoolyar thin's happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Reality in a cornvenshunal sense will be igno'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"ah's too tired t'reckon up ennythin' amoosin'.": Thar may be spoilers. Does ennyone care?
Roun' about th' same time ah was meetin' th' X-men fo' the fust time t'other cornvahsashun was takin' place.
No wait.Thet aint right. It was. They were. While this hyar was gwine on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Gimme a second hyar.
ah lived through this hyar stuff. Sevahal times in fack. It still cornfuses th' hell outta me.
Docko' Hank McCoy. AKA Beast. Wal known junius an' all roun' smart guy. I've tried explainin' this hyar stuff t'him figurin' eff'n ennyone c'd unnerstan' it he c'd. He c'dn't. Thet may haf been mah fault. Yo' kin imagine how difficult thet cornvahsashun c'd be, right?
Let me start agin. Th' second cornvahsashun was happenin' at about th' same point ah was meetin' th' X-men fo' th' fust time, but it was happenin' sevahal thousan' years in the future.
Convahjunt timelines o' sumpin. ah's makin' even less sense than usual, ah reckon.
Ennyway.
It went sumpin like this.
"It's ready? Finally? How does th' finished produck compare to th' specificashuns?" "Produck? Try wawk of art. Try th' sin'le greatest masterpiece enny hoomin has evah borne witness to, let alone evah dreamed of creatin'. Death hisse'f will weep fo' the souls of its vickims. Despite th' problems we had acquirin' th' necessary components it is complete, an' t'th' required specificashuns. Nothin' sho't of th' reackivashun of Armageddon armo'ies will be able t'stop it." "An' th' Prototype?" "Th' prototype will not be a problem, dawgone it. Contrary t'popular belief he did not emerge invulnerable. Thar was a period of sevahal years between his annihilashun of th' Cullin' Crew program an' th' point at which his DNA reflex was fust reco'ded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thet'd be th' puffick time t'attack. Shet mah mouth!" "Th' weaponry?" "Ev'rythin' is ready. Th' Oxyjun Destroyer. Th' To'que cannon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' Crisis Engine. Th' Matter Caster. Th' unit's amour is even composed of ND matter. Eff'n it is damaged then it simply graf's fresh material fum outside of exissence. An' it is ready."
ah's not sho'nuff whut th' room they were in at th' time acshully looked like but ah jest gotta take this hyar oppo'tunity t'wax poetic.
(In other wo'ds these next few lines is a completely true sto'y ah jest made up.)
Th' room stretched out into th' darkness below th' catwalk th' two figgers stood on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' darkness made it impostible to divine th' true size of th' room, but th' emppiness of it, th' hollerness sucked at th' eyes of th' viewer. This hyar warn't a place fo' varmints. This hyar was an abyss. Eff'n yo' c'd igno'e th' way yer eyes watered yo' might haf glimpsed sumpin. Darker patches movin' in th' blackness, an' wif them an ominous feelin' thet this hyar time th' abyss was ready t'do mo'e than jest stare back. Shet mah mouth! Much mo'e.
Hehe.
How right fine was thet?
Ennyway, back t'mah second favo'ite topic, Me.
Slowly ah made mah way t'th' top of th' stairs, reckonin' desperately t'mahse'f as ah did, cuss it all t' tarnation.
'Look pathetic! Fry mah hide! Don't make eye corntack. Stutter. Call ev'ryone suh. Flinch a lot.'
Marrow walked into th' room an' ah heard her announce
"This hyar is some mutant guy ah met. He's gonna be stayin' hyar ok?"
ah stepped into th' room in time t'ketch th' looks of amazement an' cornfushun on th' faces of ha'f a dozen mighty surprised varmints sittin' aroun' a bustfast table.
They looked at me.
ah looked at them, dawgone it.
They blinked in amazement.
ah blinked on account o' th' mo'nin' sun was shinin' in mah eyes an' I'd jest reckanized how early it was.
Th' clock on th' wall read five fif'y seven, as enny fool kin plainly see. Five fif'y seven AM.
Yea. Thet's whut ah thunk, too. Apparently thar's been a five AM on Saturday mo'nin's fo' a while now. Makes yo' wonner whut else they're not tellyn' ya, huh?
I'd already fo'gotten ev'rythin' about tryin' t'appear meek an' was tryin' not t'scream sumpin along th' lines of 'whut th' hell is wrong wif yo' varmints! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide! Its five am! Fry mah hide! FIVE AM! Fry mah hide! AND YOU HAVE COFFEE! Fry mah hide! AND ah DON'T! Fry mah hide! AND ah WANT SOME OR CAL GO BUCK BIGGITY BUCKWILD! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide! EAHAHAHHAHHHHAHHAHAHAH! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!'
At thet point mah eyes may haf been rotatin' in diffrunt direckshuns. ah pow'ful is not a mo'nin' varmint.
Ennyway.
A sho't guy dressed as a lumberjack was th' fust t'comment.
"Him, dawgone it. Stayin' hyar. Uh-huh."
It was weird th' way he said it. No infleckshun o' ennythin'. No surprise in th' tone, o' panic o' ennythin'. ah mentally moved him fum catego'y A (Peekoolyarrs) t'catego'y L (Varmints not t'bo'row money fum o' put th' Mac down on their fambly members, o' indeed, annoy in enny way, shape o' fo'm, dawgone it. Evah.) Three metal claws slid fum th' back of etch of his han's.
Situashun bad, gittin' wo'se.
A stunnin' African Amerkan woomin wif pure white hair who had managed t'remain regal an' composed despite th' fack the angry lumberjack guy had done th' claw thin' was next to speak. Shet mah mouth!
"Logan, perhaps we sh'd aller Sareeh an' her. guest to explain themselves befo'e we does sumpin we may later have cuz t'regret."
"She brin's home a B-movie monster an' yer hankerin' t'let her explain? An' not, Y'know, like kill it?"
This hyar fum an Asian teenage gal sittin' at th' table in front of a bowl of cereal so loaded wif sugar it was givin' me cavities jest bein' in th' same room, dawgone it. ah decided right then she was a mutant, an' her power had sumpin t'do wif the ability t'consoom masses of stuff thet is only grub on a technicality.
Th' weirdess lookin' varmint at th' table joined the convahsashun at thet point. He looked like a giant Muppet. Kinda like Animals uncle o' sumpin. An' he was blue.
"On beha'f of them mutants wif mo'e shall we say, unconvenshunal, physiologies may ah take th' oppo'tunity to say Gee, thanks a lot."
He turned t'me an' corntinued
"Please, igno'e our somewhut tackless companion hyar. Please, sit. He'p yo'seff."
He waved an arm acrost th' table. He was offerin' me coffee. ah decided right then an' thar thet eff'n they did let me stay I'd attach mahse'f t'this guy. I'd nevah cornsidered mahse'f plucky yo'ng sidekick material but hell, he was th' provider of caffeine.
ah did menshun it takes me a spell t'git ennythin' resemblin' a no'mal thunk process gwine eff'n ah's up ennytime befo'e lunchtime right?
Ennyway.
ah sat at th' table. ah was finishin' mah third cup when I noticed thet they were starin' at me. Wal, ok. Shet mah mouth! They'd been starin' at me befo'e, an' hadn't acshully stopped, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ennyway. They were still starin' at me, but it had gone fum an 'Am ah pow'ful seein' this?' surprised stare t'a 'Yessuh ah's fairly sartin its eatin' th' crockery' stare.
Its not mah fault ah doesn't haf lips. Its also not mah fault its easier t'eat th' cups full of wonnerful caffeine laced coffee than ennythin' else. Its not like said cups were expensive o' ennythin'.
"Gambit tink yo friend mebbe need a few pointers on bustfast table deco'um huh petit?"
Thet was fum a guy wif red eyes. ah remember ah eemeejutly thunk 'Jersey fella. No doubt about it. Thet accent is fake. Seriously pathetic attempp t'git chicks. Wonner eff'n it wawks?'
All ah gotta does is refer t'mahse'f in th' third varmint an' add th' occashunal fo'eign wo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Heh. Yea. It'd be like "Hey, yo' Cal?" An' I'd be like "We an' ah be Cal, ah reckon. Yo' lookin' fo' him Oui non?" Somehow, No. A thousan' times no.
Ennyway.
Marrow growled at him, dawgone it. So did I. He corntinued
"Gambit like datcha two git on so fine. Like a house on fire Oui?"
ah looked at him an' smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. Or at least mah mouth curved up in th' co'ners an' all mah teeth were showin'.
"Evah been in a burnin' buildin' Gato'bait?"
"Don call me Gato'bait. Gambit don tink yo' sh'd be so disrespeckful, ah reckon. C'd be bad fo' a varmint, Unerstan'?"
He'd lef' hisse'f wide open wif thet one. ah c'dn't resist.
"Only th' English bits."
Th' white haired woomin who was tryin' not t'smile interrupped our li'l vahbal sparrin' corntest.
Sareeh, perhaps yo''d like t'intrydooce ev'ryone."
Marrow had he'ped herse'f t'a large piece of mighty unnercooked steak. Shet mah mouth! So unnercooked th' cow probably had no idea it was missin'. She looked up fum her meal an' wif a sigh intrydooced ev'ryone.
Th' Woomin who hadn't said ennythin' an' had jest sat an' watched th' proceedin' wif a mildly amoosed expresshun an' who turned out t'have a Mississippi accent thick inough to float bricks on was Rogue.
Th' mighty regal woomin wif white hair was Sto'm, dawgone it.
Th' hairy munchkin lumberjack claw guy was Wolvahine.
Th' blue guy was Beast.
Th' one who'd called me a B-movie monster was Jubilee.
Th' guy wif th' red eyes who talked about hisse'f in the third varmint was Gambit. I'd kinda guessed thet was his name already.
Jubilee turned t'me an' said
"So like, tell us a li'l about yo'seff o' sumpin."
ah fought down th' urge t'sigh. Up until then thin's had been gwine so fine.
We an' ah be Meetin' Th' X-men, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Disclaimers-
"ah resent thet implicashun! Fry mah hide! Mah chareecker is origeenal! Fry mah hide! How menny Italian plumber superheroes kin yo' reckon of, huh?": Cal's mine. Ev'ryone else belongs t'Marvel, ah reckon. Yo' kin tell they doesn't belong t'me on account o' eff'n they did thar'd be a swimsueyt issue. Still a man kin dream, dawgone it.
"Do yer hankerin' it suh?" "Oh, does yo' suh? Do yer hankerin' it?": Eff'n yer hankerin' t'archive this, ah will build a shrine t'yo' an' wo'ship yo' as a god, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Whutevah floats yer boat": PG. As usual, ah reckon.
Zen an' th' art of tempo'al discontinuity: Peekoolyar thin's happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Reality in a cornvenshunal sense will be igno'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"ah's too tired t'reckon up ennythin' amoosin'.": Thar may be spoilers. Does ennyone care?
Roun' about th' same time ah was meetin' th' X-men fo' the fust time t'other cornvahsashun was takin' place.
No wait.Thet aint right. It was. They were. While this hyar was gwine on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Gimme a second hyar.
ah lived through this hyar stuff. Sevahal times in fack. It still cornfuses th' hell outta me.
Docko' Hank McCoy. AKA Beast. Wal known junius an' all roun' smart guy. I've tried explainin' this hyar stuff t'him figurin' eff'n ennyone c'd unnerstan' it he c'd. He c'dn't. Thet may haf been mah fault. Yo' kin imagine how difficult thet cornvahsashun c'd be, right?
Let me start agin. Th' second cornvahsashun was happenin' at about th' same point ah was meetin' th' X-men fo' th' fust time, but it was happenin' sevahal thousan' years in the future.
Convahjunt timelines o' sumpin. ah's makin' even less sense than usual, ah reckon.
Ennyway.
It went sumpin like this.
"It's ready? Finally? How does th' finished produck compare to th' specificashuns?" "Produck? Try wawk of art. Try th' sin'le greatest masterpiece enny hoomin has evah borne witness to, let alone evah dreamed of creatin'. Death hisse'f will weep fo' the souls of its vickims. Despite th' problems we had acquirin' th' necessary components it is complete, an' t'th' required specificashuns. Nothin' sho't of th' reackivashun of Armageddon armo'ies will be able t'stop it." "An' th' Prototype?" "Th' prototype will not be a problem, dawgone it. Contrary t'popular belief he did not emerge invulnerable. Thar was a period of sevahal years between his annihilashun of th' Cullin' Crew program an' th' point at which his DNA reflex was fust reco'ded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thet'd be th' puffick time t'attack. Shet mah mouth!" "Th' weaponry?" "Ev'rythin' is ready. Th' Oxyjun Destroyer. Th' To'que cannon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' Crisis Engine. Th' Matter Caster. Th' unit's amour is even composed of ND matter. Eff'n it is damaged then it simply graf's fresh material fum outside of exissence. An' it is ready."
ah's not sho'nuff whut th' room they were in at th' time acshully looked like but ah jest gotta take this hyar oppo'tunity t'wax poetic.
(In other wo'ds these next few lines is a completely true sto'y ah jest made up.)
Th' room stretched out into th' darkness below th' catwalk th' two figgers stood on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' darkness made it impostible to divine th' true size of th' room, but th' emppiness of it, th' hollerness sucked at th' eyes of th' viewer. This hyar warn't a place fo' varmints. This hyar was an abyss. Eff'n yo' c'd igno'e th' way yer eyes watered yo' might haf glimpsed sumpin. Darker patches movin' in th' blackness, an' wif them an ominous feelin' thet this hyar time th' abyss was ready t'do mo'e than jest stare back. Shet mah mouth! Much mo'e.
Hehe.
How right fine was thet?
Ennyway, back t'mah second favo'ite topic, Me.
Slowly ah made mah way t'th' top of th' stairs, reckonin' desperately t'mahse'f as ah did, cuss it all t' tarnation.
'Look pathetic! Fry mah hide! Don't make eye corntack. Stutter. Call ev'ryone suh. Flinch a lot.'
Marrow walked into th' room an' ah heard her announce
"This hyar is some mutant guy ah met. He's gonna be stayin' hyar ok?"
ah stepped into th' room in time t'ketch th' looks of amazement an' cornfushun on th' faces of ha'f a dozen mighty surprised varmints sittin' aroun' a bustfast table.
They looked at me.
ah looked at them, dawgone it.
They blinked in amazement.
ah blinked on account o' th' mo'nin' sun was shinin' in mah eyes an' I'd jest reckanized how early it was.
Th' clock on th' wall read five fif'y seven, as enny fool kin plainly see. Five fif'y seven AM.
Yea. Thet's whut ah thunk, too. Apparently thar's been a five AM on Saturday mo'nin's fo' a while now. Makes yo' wonner whut else they're not tellyn' ya, huh?
I'd already fo'gotten ev'rythin' about tryin' t'appear meek an' was tryin' not t'scream sumpin along th' lines of 'whut th' hell is wrong wif yo' varmints! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide! Its five am! Fry mah hide! FIVE AM! Fry mah hide! AND YOU HAVE COFFEE! Fry mah hide! AND ah DON'T! Fry mah hide! AND ah WANT SOME OR CAL GO BUCK BIGGITY BUCKWILD! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide! EAHAHAHHAHHHHAHHAHAHAH! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!'
At thet point mah eyes may haf been rotatin' in diffrunt direckshuns. ah pow'ful is not a mo'nin' varmint.
Ennyway.
A sho't guy dressed as a lumberjack was th' fust t'comment.
"Him, dawgone it. Stayin' hyar. Uh-huh."
It was weird th' way he said it. No infleckshun o' ennythin'. No surprise in th' tone, o' panic o' ennythin'. ah mentally moved him fum catego'y A (Peekoolyarrs) t'catego'y L (Varmints not t'bo'row money fum o' put th' Mac down on their fambly members, o' indeed, annoy in enny way, shape o' fo'm, dawgone it. Evah.) Three metal claws slid fum th' back of etch of his han's.
Situashun bad, gittin' wo'se.
A stunnin' African Amerkan woomin wif pure white hair who had managed t'remain regal an' composed despite th' fack the angry lumberjack guy had done th' claw thin' was next to speak. Shet mah mouth!
"Logan, perhaps we sh'd aller Sareeh an' her. guest to explain themselves befo'e we does sumpin we may later have cuz t'regret."
"She brin's home a B-movie monster an' yer hankerin' t'let her explain? An' not, Y'know, like kill it?"
This hyar fum an Asian teenage gal sittin' at th' table in front of a bowl of cereal so loaded wif sugar it was givin' me cavities jest bein' in th' same room, dawgone it. ah decided right then she was a mutant, an' her power had sumpin t'do wif the ability t'consoom masses of stuff thet is only grub on a technicality.
Th' weirdess lookin' varmint at th' table joined the convahsashun at thet point. He looked like a giant Muppet. Kinda like Animals uncle o' sumpin. An' he was blue.
"On beha'f of them mutants wif mo'e shall we say, unconvenshunal, physiologies may ah take th' oppo'tunity to say Gee, thanks a lot."
He turned t'me an' corntinued
"Please, igno'e our somewhut tackless companion hyar. Please, sit. He'p yo'seff."
He waved an arm acrost th' table. He was offerin' me coffee. ah decided right then an' thar thet eff'n they did let me stay I'd attach mahse'f t'this guy. I'd nevah cornsidered mahse'f plucky yo'ng sidekick material but hell, he was th' provider of caffeine.
ah did menshun it takes me a spell t'git ennythin' resemblin' a no'mal thunk process gwine eff'n ah's up ennytime befo'e lunchtime right?
Ennyway.
ah sat at th' table. ah was finishin' mah third cup when I noticed thet they were starin' at me. Wal, ok. Shet mah mouth! They'd been starin' at me befo'e, an' hadn't acshully stopped, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ennyway. They were still starin' at me, but it had gone fum an 'Am ah pow'ful seein' this?' surprised stare t'a 'Yessuh ah's fairly sartin its eatin' th' crockery' stare.
Its not mah fault ah doesn't haf lips. Its also not mah fault its easier t'eat th' cups full of wonnerful caffeine laced coffee than ennythin' else. Its not like said cups were expensive o' ennythin'.
"Gambit tink yo friend mebbe need a few pointers on bustfast table deco'um huh petit?"
Thet was fum a guy wif red eyes. ah remember ah eemeejutly thunk 'Jersey fella. No doubt about it. Thet accent is fake. Seriously pathetic attempp t'git chicks. Wonner eff'n it wawks?'
All ah gotta does is refer t'mahse'f in th' third varmint an' add th' occashunal fo'eign wo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Heh. Yea. It'd be like "Hey, yo' Cal?" An' I'd be like "We an' ah be Cal, ah reckon. Yo' lookin' fo' him Oui non?" Somehow, No. A thousan' times no.
Ennyway.
Marrow growled at him, dawgone it. So did I. He corntinued
"Gambit like datcha two git on so fine. Like a house on fire Oui?"
ah looked at him an' smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. Or at least mah mouth curved up in th' co'ners an' all mah teeth were showin'.
"Evah been in a burnin' buildin' Gato'bait?"
"Don call me Gato'bait. Gambit don tink yo' sh'd be so disrespeckful, ah reckon. C'd be bad fo' a varmint, Unerstan'?"
He'd lef' hisse'f wide open wif thet one. ah c'dn't resist.
"Only th' English bits."
Th' white haired woomin who was tryin' not t'smile interrupped our li'l vahbal sparrin' corntest.
Sareeh, perhaps yo''d like t'intrydooce ev'ryone."
Marrow had he'ped herse'f t'a large piece of mighty unnercooked steak. Shet mah mouth! So unnercooked th' cow probably had no idea it was missin'. She looked up fum her meal an' wif a sigh intrydooced ev'ryone.
Th' Woomin who hadn't said ennythin' an' had jest sat an' watched th' proceedin' wif a mildly amoosed expresshun an' who turned out t'have a Mississippi accent thick inough to float bricks on was Rogue.
Th' mighty regal woomin wif white hair was Sto'm, dawgone it.
Th' hairy munchkin lumberjack claw guy was Wolvahine.
Th' blue guy was Beast.
Th' one who'd called me a B-movie monster was Jubilee.
Th' guy wif th' red eyes who talked about hisse'f in the third varmint was Gambit. I'd kinda guessed thet was his name already.
Jubilee turned t'me an' said
"So like, tell us a li'l about yo'seff o' sumpin."
ah fought down th' urge t'sigh. Up until then thin's had been gwine so fine.