Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Six
Make It So, Number One.
Disclaimers-
Runnin' outta ideas: They still aint mine. One day though. Oh yes. Bikinis. so menny bikinis. Uh. ah mean all featured wifin is the propuhty of Marvel, ah reckon. 'Cepp Cal, ah reckon.
"So all ah gotta does is sign on over mah soul?...hmm, dawgone it. sumpin seems peekoolyar about this...": Want t'archive this? Probably not, but this hyar part is jest to feed mah ego ennyway. Eff'n yo' does wanna archive, jest ax.
"ah doesn't care whut ennyone says, its not real po'n till a plumber named Sven arrives!": PG. As usual, ah reckon.
Regardin' causality: This hyar did fit in t'th' no'mal timeline, but ah came back fum th' future an' told mahse'f t'change it.
"Heed ye th' wo'ds of th' o'acle!" Or doesn't, on account o' enny spoilers will be ancient an'/o' mino' ones.
"Yo' bit off his nose! Yo' acshully bit off Magneto's nose! HIS NOSE! FRY MAH HIDE! HIS ACTUAL NOSE AND YOU BIT IT OFF! FRY MAH HIDE!"
Th' last wo'd was squeaked at a pitch so high all th' haids of th' houn'dogs in th' neighbourhood imploded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal OK, they didn't, but ah allus put thet part into th' sto'y. He hates it.
By th' by, thet outbust was fum th' teams leader, Ole Scooter Summers, AKA Cyclops.
Ah's gittin' a li'l ahaid of th' continuity of th' sto'y hyar. Ah allus skip t'this part. Th' colour he was turnin' combined wif th' way his voice was gittin' higher an' higher made it one of them special moments. Yo' knows th' ones. Th' ones whar yo' wish yo' had corntrol on over time an' space so yo' c'd lop it out an' keep it in a box unner yer bed an' relive it on over an' on over agin.
Probably don't seem thet funny t'yo' but ah loved it.
Ennyway.
Jubilee had axed me t'tell them a li'l about mahse'f. Whut in tarnation happened next was sumpin ah look back on wif amoosement.
Ah panicked, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Ah claimed ah c'dn't tell them ennythin' about mah past. Thet ah was an amnesiac.
Ev'ryone was silent fo' a moment. They looked at me. Ah looked back. Shet mah mouth!
Wif a triumphant grin Logan held out a han'. Wif various expresshuns of annoyance t'others placed various amounts of money into it. By this hyar point ah was as cornfused as yer.
Apparently they had a bet gwine as t'whut so't of backgroun' th' next varmint t'join th' team'd have. Th' choices were:
Amnesiac (6:1 odds) Someone's clone (5:1odds) Junetically ingineered killin' machine (40:1odds) A mutant wif terrible powers thet kin only be corntrolled in a fashion thet leads t'lifelong tragedy fo' their wielder, eff'n they kin be corntrolled at all (3:1 odds) Anuther member of th' Summers fambly (2:1 odds) Someone wif a terrible past, a fambly full of FOH members an'/o' supervillians (5:1 odds) Someone wifout enny cripplin' mutant powers, evil fambly members o' dark secrets (1,000,000:1 odds)
Thet was not supposed t'happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Nevah th' less, it had, cuss it all t' tarnation. An' now Jubilee was arguin' wif Logan thet she didn't hafta pay him on account o' account ah had amnesia thet c'd mean ah was repressin' th' fack thet mah past was so terrible an' thet ah had a fambly full of FOH members an' supervillians.
While ah was tryin' t'wawk out whut had jest happened th' convahsashun continued t'swirl aroun' me. It swirled t'th' point whar it was decided ah sh'd be intrydooced t' Professo' Xavier.
Wifout quite bein' aware of how it happened ah foun' mahse'f in a magnificently appointed study. (Magnificently appointed study. Yo' kin tell I've been watchin' Frasier. An' yessuh, ah's aware thet it ain't cornsidered polite o' even no'mal t'admit yo' watch thet show. Eff'n yo' menshun it to ennyone I'll jest use th' FBI defence. 'Deny ev'rythin.')
Ennyway.
Ah was in a study, th' furniture of which cost inough money t'choke a whale. In front of me was an antique desk thet ah later foun' out is even older than Cher. On t'other side of this hyar desk was the dawgoned-est pow'ful tellypath on th' planet. A man who was famed acrost time an' space fo' his wisdom, compasshun an' insight. An' whut did ah do as ah sat acrost fum this man? This hyar lejund in his own time? Did ah ponner how ah c'd perhaps foller in his footsteps, attemppin' t'brin' peace t'others? Did ah set fo' a moment in quiet refleckshun?
No.
ah did not.
ah sat an' tried not t'make Star Trek references.
Honestly.
Th' man looks so much like Jean-Luc Picard it scares me.
We talked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal, he talked, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah was distracked by th' light refleckin' off his haid. He polishes it. He has too. One day I'll prove it.
Uhhh...
Ennyway.
Long an' th' sho't of it was thet he agreed t'let me stay an' join the team, dawgone it. Apparently he had decided ah was a fine varmint based solely on the fack thet ah had he'ped Marrow brin' down a group of mutants in a sewer. In return fo' mah bein' on th' team he promised t'use th' resources he had to try an' find out about mah past an' cure th' amnesia ah didn't acshully have.
Free room an' board in a manshun full of extremely attrackive wimmen, wif occashunal battles t'th' death wif supervillians thrown in.
Pareedise, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Ah was soon bein' shown aroun' th' manshun by Logan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Marrow had decided to tag along, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! It became obvious they didn't git along fine. Th' fack thet wifin five minutes he had her pinned t'a wall wif his claws out an' aimed at her stomach while she had a bone knife held point fust aginst his back was a clue.
He politely offered t'put her down like th' rabid animal she was.
She politely offered t'throat him, dawgone it.
ah impolitely shrieked/squealed "whut! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!" in a high pitched voice.
See whar ah come fum throatin' someone aint exackly a threat.
Th' fack ah completely hoomiliated mahse'f pointin' out an' explainin' this was mo'e than compensated fo' by their expresshuns an' th' looks of pure unimaginable ho'ro' they gave etch other.
Ennyway.
Once yo've repressed enny mental pitchers thet last part may haf cuzd I'll corntinue. We moved further into th' manshun an' th' déco' began change fum 'look how much better ah's on account o' ah's richer than yo' into 'whuffo''s th' li'l grey guy wif th' trimenjus haid wavin' thet metal hoobajoob at mah butt fo?.' Place was seriously sci-fi. Th' tour inded in whut was essentially a trimenjus silvah room, dawgone it. I'd haf made a smartassed comment about thet but ah was still bein' haunted by th' throatin' comment. Havin' naked thunks about Marrow Sho'nuff, but Logan? Thet's jest wrong on so menny levels.
"This hyar is th' danger room, dawgone it. It uses some so'ta advanced tech ta junerate holograms."
Logan looked me up an' down befo'e corntinuin'
"We'll be up thar."
He gestured t'an observashun area set high in one wall, ah reckon.
"Time ta see how fine yo' pow'ful are."
They lef'. ah waited, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah waited some mo'e. It had been less than a minute but ah was kinda gittin' all panicky. Whut in tarnation Eff'n ah messed up an' tripped on over mah own hooves o' sumpin? Whut in tarnation eff'n ah hoomiliated mahse'f completely an' Sareeh refused t'evah speak t'me agin? Whuffo' was her opinion suddenly so impo'tant t'me? When had she become Sareeh an' not Marrow? An' whut was thet annoyin' WHOK WHOK noise? An' whuffo' was ah stood thar talkin' t'mahse'f?
Th' answer was surprisin'ly easy t'discovah. Wal th' one about th' WHOK WHOK noise was.
ah's still not sho'nuff about t'others. Especially th' talkin' t'mahse'f one.
Ennyway.
Turns out ah was bein' attacked by three guys in FOH (thass friends of hoominity) badges. They were hittin' me wif steel bars.
ah did menshun thet on account o' of th' Bio-armour ah have instead of hide ah cain't acshully fell ennythin' right? A lef' hook into th' face of th' guy on th' right redeco'ated th' wall behind him wif bits of his haid thet were nevah designed t'see daylight, an a right hook t'th' guy on th' lef' an' he was gonna be eatin' his holographic thanksgivin' possum through an equally holographic straw. ah retched out mah claw, grabbed th' last guy's neck an' jerked mah han' t'th' side. He nevah even had time t'realise he was daid befo'e ah dropped his hide.
ah remember reckonin' 'Dawgone but this hyar is realistic' right befo'e th' ninja jumped me. Turns out thet whenevah yo' take out one opponent t'other mo'e pow'ful one appears. Th' ninja lasted an embarrassin'ly long time befo'e he started t'git tired an' ah managed t'conneck wif a swin' thet busted his hip an' shattered his thighbone.
Yo' reckon thet'd take down a ninja right? Wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! One-legged assassins are surprisin'ly agile. Luckily a bone fragment had sevahed an artery so he collapsed befo'e he c'd hoomiliate me too much.
Th' next opponent was a Sentinel, ah reckon. Thet was fun, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' trick t'killin' Sentinels is t'wait till they begin their intire 'mutant located. Beginnin' primary objeckive' speech. They usually doesn't attack while they're reelin' it off so yo' kin whack 'em easily.
Th' next opponent was a mino' evil minion called Blizzard, cuss it all t' tarnation. He hissed "Now yo' shaaalll feel th' icy chill of blizzzzzzzzzzard! ah was not impressed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Due t'mah admittedly unusual biology mah ah can junerate fairly large amounts of eleckricity on comman'. ah junerated as much as ah c'd an' transmitted it into mah lungs. Suddenly instead of breathin' out a nice cloud of pine fresh scented carbon dioxide ah's breathin' out a ball of superheated plasma. Even through his pow'ful stoopid max ah c'd see his expresshun of surprise.
Wal, ah c'd see it right up t'th' point when his haid vapo'ised, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Suddenly a seckshun of a city swirled into exissence aroun' me an' Ole Scooter's voice echoed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"We've been watchin' fo' a spell an' were all curious as t'exackly how much yo' kin han'le. Wif yer permisshun we're hankerin' t'ackivate one last hologram, dawgone it."
ah was feelin' pow'ful cornfident so ah agreed, cuss it all t' tarnation. An ah waited, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah looked up at the control room, dawgone it. Marrow gestured behind me. Th' pow'ful nasty grin she was warin' didn't inspire me. Ah turned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thar, floatin' quite calmly sevahal meters in th' air, surroun'ed by a magnetic bubble was Magneto.
Ah had a sudden psychic episode; this hyar was not a-gonna ind fine.
He raised a han' t'chess level an' swepp it t'his lef'. Follerin' the movement was two cars an' a dumpster. All three managed t'hit me. He repeated th' movement sevahal times an' once he was sartin ah was tho'oughly pacified he moved in t'taunt me, as was his villainous wont. (Git outta mah haid Frasier dadburn yo'! Fry mah hide!)
ah muttered sumpin, jest loud inough fo' him t'hear ah had said sumpin. His curiosity piqued he moved in a few feet. ah repeated it. I warn't acshully sayin' ennythin', ah was jest soun'in' like ah was. He moved even closer, an' leaned in towards me. ah grinned an' launched fo'wards.
Th' ress yo' know.
Th' mo'al of this hyar li'l experience? Bitin' off th' nose of someone tougher 'n yo' is a great way of bustin' their corncentrashun an' rennerin' them vulnerable.
ah nevah said ah was a nice varmint.
Make It So, Number One.
Disclaimers-
Runnin' outta ideas: They still aint mine. One day though. Oh yes. Bikinis. so menny bikinis. Uh. ah mean all featured wifin is the propuhty of Marvel, ah reckon. 'Cepp Cal, ah reckon.
"So all ah gotta does is sign on over mah soul?...hmm, dawgone it. sumpin seems peekoolyar about this...": Want t'archive this? Probably not, but this hyar part is jest to feed mah ego ennyway. Eff'n yo' does wanna archive, jest ax.
"ah doesn't care whut ennyone says, its not real po'n till a plumber named Sven arrives!": PG. As usual, ah reckon.
Regardin' causality: This hyar did fit in t'th' no'mal timeline, but ah came back fum th' future an' told mahse'f t'change it.
"Heed ye th' wo'ds of th' o'acle!" Or doesn't, on account o' enny spoilers will be ancient an'/o' mino' ones.
"Yo' bit off his nose! Yo' acshully bit off Magneto's nose! HIS NOSE! FRY MAH HIDE! HIS ACTUAL NOSE AND YOU BIT IT OFF! FRY MAH HIDE!"
Th' last wo'd was squeaked at a pitch so high all th' haids of th' houn'dogs in th' neighbourhood imploded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal OK, they didn't, but ah allus put thet part into th' sto'y. He hates it.
By th' by, thet outbust was fum th' teams leader, Ole Scooter Summers, AKA Cyclops.
Ah's gittin' a li'l ahaid of th' continuity of th' sto'y hyar. Ah allus skip t'this part. Th' colour he was turnin' combined wif th' way his voice was gittin' higher an' higher made it one of them special moments. Yo' knows th' ones. Th' ones whar yo' wish yo' had corntrol on over time an' space so yo' c'd lop it out an' keep it in a box unner yer bed an' relive it on over an' on over agin.
Probably don't seem thet funny t'yo' but ah loved it.
Ennyway.
Jubilee had axed me t'tell them a li'l about mahse'f. Whut in tarnation happened next was sumpin ah look back on wif amoosement.
Ah panicked, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Ah claimed ah c'dn't tell them ennythin' about mah past. Thet ah was an amnesiac.
Ev'ryone was silent fo' a moment. They looked at me. Ah looked back. Shet mah mouth!
Wif a triumphant grin Logan held out a han'. Wif various expresshuns of annoyance t'others placed various amounts of money into it. By this hyar point ah was as cornfused as yer.
Apparently they had a bet gwine as t'whut so't of backgroun' th' next varmint t'join th' team'd have. Th' choices were:
Amnesiac (6:1 odds) Someone's clone (5:1odds) Junetically ingineered killin' machine (40:1odds) A mutant wif terrible powers thet kin only be corntrolled in a fashion thet leads t'lifelong tragedy fo' their wielder, eff'n they kin be corntrolled at all (3:1 odds) Anuther member of th' Summers fambly (2:1 odds) Someone wif a terrible past, a fambly full of FOH members an'/o' supervillians (5:1 odds) Someone wifout enny cripplin' mutant powers, evil fambly members o' dark secrets (1,000,000:1 odds)
Thet was not supposed t'happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Nevah th' less, it had, cuss it all t' tarnation. An' now Jubilee was arguin' wif Logan thet she didn't hafta pay him on account o' account ah had amnesia thet c'd mean ah was repressin' th' fack thet mah past was so terrible an' thet ah had a fambly full of FOH members an' supervillians.
While ah was tryin' t'wawk out whut had jest happened th' convahsashun continued t'swirl aroun' me. It swirled t'th' point whar it was decided ah sh'd be intrydooced t' Professo' Xavier.
Wifout quite bein' aware of how it happened ah foun' mahse'f in a magnificently appointed study. (Magnificently appointed study. Yo' kin tell I've been watchin' Frasier. An' yessuh, ah's aware thet it ain't cornsidered polite o' even no'mal t'admit yo' watch thet show. Eff'n yo' menshun it to ennyone I'll jest use th' FBI defence. 'Deny ev'rythin.')
Ennyway.
Ah was in a study, th' furniture of which cost inough money t'choke a whale. In front of me was an antique desk thet ah later foun' out is even older than Cher. On t'other side of this hyar desk was the dawgoned-est pow'ful tellypath on th' planet. A man who was famed acrost time an' space fo' his wisdom, compasshun an' insight. An' whut did ah do as ah sat acrost fum this man? This hyar lejund in his own time? Did ah ponner how ah c'd perhaps foller in his footsteps, attemppin' t'brin' peace t'others? Did ah set fo' a moment in quiet refleckshun?
No.
ah did not.
ah sat an' tried not t'make Star Trek references.
Honestly.
Th' man looks so much like Jean-Luc Picard it scares me.
We talked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal, he talked, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah was distracked by th' light refleckin' off his haid. He polishes it. He has too. One day I'll prove it.
Uhhh...
Ennyway.
Long an' th' sho't of it was thet he agreed t'let me stay an' join the team, dawgone it. Apparently he had decided ah was a fine varmint based solely on the fack thet ah had he'ped Marrow brin' down a group of mutants in a sewer. In return fo' mah bein' on th' team he promised t'use th' resources he had to try an' find out about mah past an' cure th' amnesia ah didn't acshully have.
Free room an' board in a manshun full of extremely attrackive wimmen, wif occashunal battles t'th' death wif supervillians thrown in.
Pareedise, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Ah was soon bein' shown aroun' th' manshun by Logan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Marrow had decided to tag along, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! It became obvious they didn't git along fine. Th' fack thet wifin five minutes he had her pinned t'a wall wif his claws out an' aimed at her stomach while she had a bone knife held point fust aginst his back was a clue.
He politely offered t'put her down like th' rabid animal she was.
She politely offered t'throat him, dawgone it.
ah impolitely shrieked/squealed "whut! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!" in a high pitched voice.
See whar ah come fum throatin' someone aint exackly a threat.
Th' fack ah completely hoomiliated mahse'f pointin' out an' explainin' this was mo'e than compensated fo' by their expresshuns an' th' looks of pure unimaginable ho'ro' they gave etch other.
Ennyway.
Once yo've repressed enny mental pitchers thet last part may haf cuzd I'll corntinue. We moved further into th' manshun an' th' déco' began change fum 'look how much better ah's on account o' ah's richer than yo' into 'whuffo''s th' li'l grey guy wif th' trimenjus haid wavin' thet metal hoobajoob at mah butt fo?.' Place was seriously sci-fi. Th' tour inded in whut was essentially a trimenjus silvah room, dawgone it. I'd haf made a smartassed comment about thet but ah was still bein' haunted by th' throatin' comment. Havin' naked thunks about Marrow Sho'nuff, but Logan? Thet's jest wrong on so menny levels.
"This hyar is th' danger room, dawgone it. It uses some so'ta advanced tech ta junerate holograms."
Logan looked me up an' down befo'e corntinuin'
"We'll be up thar."
He gestured t'an observashun area set high in one wall, ah reckon.
"Time ta see how fine yo' pow'ful are."
They lef'. ah waited, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah waited some mo'e. It had been less than a minute but ah was kinda gittin' all panicky. Whut in tarnation Eff'n ah messed up an' tripped on over mah own hooves o' sumpin? Whut in tarnation eff'n ah hoomiliated mahse'f completely an' Sareeh refused t'evah speak t'me agin? Whuffo' was her opinion suddenly so impo'tant t'me? When had she become Sareeh an' not Marrow? An' whut was thet annoyin' WHOK WHOK noise? An' whuffo' was ah stood thar talkin' t'mahse'f?
Th' answer was surprisin'ly easy t'discovah. Wal th' one about th' WHOK WHOK noise was.
ah's still not sho'nuff about t'others. Especially th' talkin' t'mahse'f one.
Ennyway.
Turns out ah was bein' attacked by three guys in FOH (thass friends of hoominity) badges. They were hittin' me wif steel bars.
ah did menshun thet on account o' of th' Bio-armour ah have instead of hide ah cain't acshully fell ennythin' right? A lef' hook into th' face of th' guy on th' right redeco'ated th' wall behind him wif bits of his haid thet were nevah designed t'see daylight, an a right hook t'th' guy on th' lef' an' he was gonna be eatin' his holographic thanksgivin' possum through an equally holographic straw. ah retched out mah claw, grabbed th' last guy's neck an' jerked mah han' t'th' side. He nevah even had time t'realise he was daid befo'e ah dropped his hide.
ah remember reckonin' 'Dawgone but this hyar is realistic' right befo'e th' ninja jumped me. Turns out thet whenevah yo' take out one opponent t'other mo'e pow'ful one appears. Th' ninja lasted an embarrassin'ly long time befo'e he started t'git tired an' ah managed t'conneck wif a swin' thet busted his hip an' shattered his thighbone.
Yo' reckon thet'd take down a ninja right? Wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! One-legged assassins are surprisin'ly agile. Luckily a bone fragment had sevahed an artery so he collapsed befo'e he c'd hoomiliate me too much.
Th' next opponent was a Sentinel, ah reckon. Thet was fun, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' trick t'killin' Sentinels is t'wait till they begin their intire 'mutant located. Beginnin' primary objeckive' speech. They usually doesn't attack while they're reelin' it off so yo' kin whack 'em easily.
Th' next opponent was a mino' evil minion called Blizzard, cuss it all t' tarnation. He hissed "Now yo' shaaalll feel th' icy chill of blizzzzzzzzzzard! ah was not impressed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Due t'mah admittedly unusual biology mah ah can junerate fairly large amounts of eleckricity on comman'. ah junerated as much as ah c'd an' transmitted it into mah lungs. Suddenly instead of breathin' out a nice cloud of pine fresh scented carbon dioxide ah's breathin' out a ball of superheated plasma. Even through his pow'ful stoopid max ah c'd see his expresshun of surprise.
Wal, ah c'd see it right up t'th' point when his haid vapo'ised, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Suddenly a seckshun of a city swirled into exissence aroun' me an' Ole Scooter's voice echoed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"We've been watchin' fo' a spell an' were all curious as t'exackly how much yo' kin han'le. Wif yer permisshun we're hankerin' t'ackivate one last hologram, dawgone it."
ah was feelin' pow'ful cornfident so ah agreed, cuss it all t' tarnation. An ah waited, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah looked up at the control room, dawgone it. Marrow gestured behind me. Th' pow'ful nasty grin she was warin' didn't inspire me. Ah turned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thar, floatin' quite calmly sevahal meters in th' air, surroun'ed by a magnetic bubble was Magneto.
Ah had a sudden psychic episode; this hyar was not a-gonna ind fine.
He raised a han' t'chess level an' swepp it t'his lef'. Follerin' the movement was two cars an' a dumpster. All three managed t'hit me. He repeated th' movement sevahal times an' once he was sartin ah was tho'oughly pacified he moved in t'taunt me, as was his villainous wont. (Git outta mah haid Frasier dadburn yo'! Fry mah hide!)
ah muttered sumpin, jest loud inough fo' him t'hear ah had said sumpin. His curiosity piqued he moved in a few feet. ah repeated it. I warn't acshully sayin' ennythin', ah was jest soun'in' like ah was. He moved even closer, an' leaned in towards me. ah grinned an' launched fo'wards.
Th' ress yo' know.
Th' mo'al of this hyar li'l experience? Bitin' off th' nose of someone tougher 'n yo' is a great way of bustin' their corncentrashun an' rennerin' them vulnerable.
ah nevah said ah was a nice varmint.