Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Seven
In which our hero witnesses th' brutal
oppresshun of his varmints.
Disclaimers-
Outright denial: This hyar was acshully writ by Kin' Doom's evil twin, Spanky. He's th' one who lives in th' secret unnerwater base an' imvarmintates fine, ol' KD.
Archivin': As allus, be mah guest. But remember, it's fine luck t'buy a fanfic autho' a beer.
Ratin': 90 proof. Some obscenities.
Instruckshuns fo' readin': At ev'ry page, six pack a shot of tequila, ett a bit of salt an' some lemon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Repeat until yo' say, "Dawgone, ah have t'write t'Marvel an' git 'em t'hook up Marrow wif this hyar Kin' Doom guy! Fry mah hide!"
Spoilers: Yessuh, but as usual ah's too lazy as a houn'dog t'say whut they are.
Af'er mah amazin' vicko'y on over Magneto in th' danger room an' th' ensueyng leckure fum Ole Scooter about how th' X-men did not bite off varmints's noses evah, even when it c'd turn the tide of a battle ah had retired t'th' basement. I'd been offered one of th' rooms in th' guys win' of th' manshun but ah felt a hell of a lot. not safer, but. Hell ah doesn't know. I jest feel happier unnergroun'. An' in th' dark. An' alone. Crowds freak me out too. An', ah's angstin' now. Jest noticed thet.
Shet mah mouth!
Ennyway, thar ah was lyin' on a mattress thet ah had been provided wif, bein' seriously achin' an' bruised an' junerally in pain, wo'ryin' about th' fack thet due t'an evil magnetism corntrollin' super villain poun'in' a streetlight repeatedly into th' small of mah back ah had two seriously bruised kidneys an''d probably be peein' pink fo' th' fo'eseeable future.
Uhhh.
Ah fo'git whar ah was gwine wif thet particular anecdote.
Ennyway.
Cuttin' this hyar part of this hyar long sto'y slightly sho'ter ah fell asleep. Th' soun' of footsteps woke me up. It was Marrow. Fust thin' ah noticed was rather than her no'mal tensed-up- ready-to-kill-someone-at-a- moments-notice walk she was swayin' acrost th' room in a slinky 100% po'n starlet strut. Sumpin was wrong hyar, but she moved on over t'th' mattress an' wif a mighty friendly smile pressed herse'f aginst me an' ah suddenly foun' it mighty hard t'reckon at all, ah reckon. Af'er a few moments of inthusiastically rubbin' herse'f aginst me she looked into mah eyes an' purred
"Wal, isn't yo' a-gonna join in?"
Ah was seriously surprised by this hyar turn of events, an' af'er a few attempps managed t'regain th' powers of speech an' menshun this. She laughed an' axed whuffo' ah c'dn't jest lie back an' injoy. Ah developed a mite fine twitch. Wif a sigh she rolled back an' explained
"This hyar is a dream sequence. Ah's yer subconscious. Look. Shet mah mouth!"
A swarm of wingid monkeys flew past. Ev'rythin' was startin' to make sense. Wal, it made mo'e sense than an attrackive woomin throwin' herse'f at me.
Ennyway.
She corntinued
"Yo' like Marrow doesn't yo'? Yer gonna ack all surprised thet ah said thet an' say sumpin like but I've only known her a few days right? An' then yo'll angst."
Ah nodded mutely.
"Ah knows how these thin's is supposed t'go. Yo'll reckanize yo' hate her, an' she'll reckanize she hates yo', 'cept when yer savin' etch others lives, at which point thar'll be lotsa unresolved sexual tenshun an' then one day some ran'om super villain will shoot at one of yo' an' t'other will dive into th' way, valiantly savin' t'others life at th' cost of his o' her own, an' will survive only long inough to admit they've been in love of th' survivo' all along befo'e diein'. How tragically romannic. Yo' knows whut ah reckon about thet?"
Ah shook mah haid. Mah life was jest one trimenjus surreal drug free acid trip. She started talkin' agin.
"BULLSHIT! Fry mah hide! Its not gonna happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yer gonna be nice t'her. Yer gonna lissen t'her. Eventually she may cornsent to acshully start a relashunship wif yo'. Thet'd be a fine thin'. Oh, an' this hyar is fo' thrett upin' t'stab me t'death wif a Q-tip."
ah woke up wif a start. Thet was a weird dream, dawgone it. Ah relaxed an' lay back down on th' bed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ah c'dn't he'p but wonner
"Whut in tarnation did she mean when she said an' 'this is fo' thrett upin' to stab me wif a Q-tip?'"
Someone next t'me rolled on over, an arm was draped acrost mah chess an' th' mighty naked Wolvahine ah was sharin' th' bed wif axed
"Who said whut about a Q-tip darlin'?"
An' then ah woke up screamin'.
A fambly sized tub of chewable mo'phine stolen fum the infirmary an' ett up wif an ice cream scoop later ah managed to fall asleep agin. Th' next mo'nin' was a weekday an' the manshun was deserted, cuss it all t' tarnation. Apparently ev'ryone had acshul real lives outside of th' team an' th' occashunal skirmish t'the death wif supervillians bent on destroyin'/conquerin' the wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wifin an hour ah was so bo'ed ah was seriously contemplatin' chewin' mah own arm off, jest t'see eff'n ah c'd. Ah wan'ered into th' rec room, dawgone it. Ah was cornfronted wif the mos' trimenjus most expensive TV system ah had evah see. Unfo'tunately, it bein' daytime, thar was nothin' but daytime TV.
Wifin fif'een minutes ah was so bo'ed ah was redooced to watchin' Oprah while sittin' on th' couch upside down, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Af'er about ha'f an episode of lesbian transsexual prosteetootes who is addicked t'crack hittin' etch other wif chairs Marrow walked in, as enny fool kin plainly see. She didn't comment, she jest sat on th' couch acrost fum me an' gave me a peekoolyar look. Shet mah mouth! She opened her mouth t'make a comment but ah interrupped, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Ah's bo'ed ok? Now quiet. Lesbian hookers on crack. Shet mah mouth!"
Ah gestured vaguely towards th' TV.
"Yer bo'ed so yer sittin' upside down on th' couch? Thet he'ps?"
"Wal, no. But all th' blood does flow t'yer haid an' yo' start hallucinatin'."
"Oh."
All was quiet fo' a spell. She let out a sigh an' moved on over to th' couch. We sat upside down fo' a spell, makin' sarcastic comments about th' problems of all th' guests. Then ah had a mino' psychotic episode whar Rosie O'Donnell's haid floated outta th' TV an' told me t'go out an' kill in her name. Yo' thunk ah was kiddin' about th' blood flow t'the haid/hallucinashuns thin' right?
Ennyway.
Th' minutes stretched into hours. It's a lot less dull than it soun's. To tell th' truth, ah was happy spendin' time wif someone who was ackin' like ah was a regular varmint instead of a giant lizard thin'. It wus. nice.
Stop lookin' at me like thet. ah bet yo've nevah been chased acrost three blocks by a nun wavin' a bible, a bell an' a can'le who's hell bent on exo'cisin' yo', right?
An' yessuh, ah's aware of th' irony of usin' th' wo'ds hell bent to dexcribe a nun, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Ennyway.
Eventually t'other one of th' X-men wan'ered in, as enny fool kin plainly see. This hyar was one ah hadn't been intrydooced too. Ah heard him mutter
"Ok. Monster on th' couch. Upside down monster on th' couch. Fine. Jest dan'y. Ah doesn't care. I've spent th' last seven hours filin' other varmints's taxes an' ah's past carin'."
He moved on over t'one of th' trimenjus comfy chairs an' collapsed wif a combinashun 'ah's glad thass on over' sigh an' a 'thank god ah's sat down' groan, as enny fool kin plainly see. He fidgited fo' a spell an' then axed
"Hey Marrow, is yo' watchin' this?"
She turned t'look at me an' axed
"Is we watchin' this?"
Ah shrugged (Thet's acshully a purdy impressive feat eff'n yer upside down an' nine feet tall wif win's) an' answered
"ah's not pow'ful watchin' this."
Ah turned t'face th' guy an' axed whut he wanted t'watch. He was lookin' mighty surprised ah c'd speak. Shet mah mouth! Mah opinion of him plummeted, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ah decided t'give him th' benefit of th' doubt an' lissened as he told us about a mareethon of Anime he had been lookin' fo'ward t'fo' a spell. Japanese animashun. It soun'ed interestin'.
Two hours later, ah was cornsiderin' invadin' Japan an' mah opinion of abacus fella was so low it had moved into a subterranean cavahn next t'th' mole varmints.
Whut in tarnation? Abacus fella? He had muttered sumpin about doin' other varmintss taxes. Ah assoomd he was an accountant. Or he wawked fo' th' mob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Postibly both.
Whuffo' was ah so annoyed?
Etch an' ev'ry one of th' movies featured at least one giant monster eifer doin' sumpin disturbin'ly unhygienic to skoogals befo'e bein' blasted t'pieces by some idiot wif bad hair who screamed out th' names of ev'ry one of his attacks an' glowed, o' jest straight out bein' hacked to pieces by a ninja. One of them even looked like me!
Th' monster, not th' skoogal. Thet'd jus be plain weird, cuss it all t' tarnation.
An' t'other thin'. Eff'n ah evah start glowin' ah's gonna check th' water supply fo' heavy metals. These guys jest seem to reckon it makes them pow'ful.
Ennyway.
Ah axed him eff'n he pow'ful injoyed watchin' this hyar stuff. He opened his mouth t'say sumpin when th' chareecker (read: Hentai Tentacle Monster) thet looked like me was sliced in two.
Yo' haf no idea how disturbin' it is t'see an animated vahshun of yo'seff lop in two by a chibified skoogal wif giant eyes, a magic cat an' pow'ful trimenjus hair.
Ah gave abacus fella a mighty nasty look. Shet mah mouth! Thet's sumpin ah's fine at. He lef' mighty quickly. Marrow laughed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Jest great. I'd been th' manshun less than a week an' I'd scared one X-man away an' called t'other Gato'bait.
In which our hero witnesses th' brutal
oppresshun of his varmints.
Disclaimers-
Outright denial: This hyar was acshully writ by Kin' Doom's evil twin, Spanky. He's th' one who lives in th' secret unnerwater base an' imvarmintates fine, ol' KD.
Archivin': As allus, be mah guest. But remember, it's fine luck t'buy a fanfic autho' a beer.
Ratin': 90 proof. Some obscenities.
Instruckshuns fo' readin': At ev'ry page, six pack a shot of tequila, ett a bit of salt an' some lemon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Repeat until yo' say, "Dawgone, ah have t'write t'Marvel an' git 'em t'hook up Marrow wif this hyar Kin' Doom guy! Fry mah hide!"
Spoilers: Yessuh, but as usual ah's too lazy as a houn'dog t'say whut they are.
Af'er mah amazin' vicko'y on over Magneto in th' danger room an' th' ensueyng leckure fum Ole Scooter about how th' X-men did not bite off varmints's noses evah, even when it c'd turn the tide of a battle ah had retired t'th' basement. I'd been offered one of th' rooms in th' guys win' of th' manshun but ah felt a hell of a lot. not safer, but. Hell ah doesn't know. I jest feel happier unnergroun'. An' in th' dark. An' alone. Crowds freak me out too. An', ah's angstin' now. Jest noticed thet.
Shet mah mouth!
Ennyway, thar ah was lyin' on a mattress thet ah had been provided wif, bein' seriously achin' an' bruised an' junerally in pain, wo'ryin' about th' fack thet due t'an evil magnetism corntrollin' super villain poun'in' a streetlight repeatedly into th' small of mah back ah had two seriously bruised kidneys an''d probably be peein' pink fo' th' fo'eseeable future.
Uhhh.
Ah fo'git whar ah was gwine wif thet particular anecdote.
Ennyway.
Cuttin' this hyar part of this hyar long sto'y slightly sho'ter ah fell asleep. Th' soun' of footsteps woke me up. It was Marrow. Fust thin' ah noticed was rather than her no'mal tensed-up- ready-to-kill-someone-at-a- moments-notice walk she was swayin' acrost th' room in a slinky 100% po'n starlet strut. Sumpin was wrong hyar, but she moved on over t'th' mattress an' wif a mighty friendly smile pressed herse'f aginst me an' ah suddenly foun' it mighty hard t'reckon at all, ah reckon. Af'er a few moments of inthusiastically rubbin' herse'f aginst me she looked into mah eyes an' purred
"Wal, isn't yo' a-gonna join in?"
Ah was seriously surprised by this hyar turn of events, an' af'er a few attempps managed t'regain th' powers of speech an' menshun this. She laughed an' axed whuffo' ah c'dn't jest lie back an' injoy. Ah developed a mite fine twitch. Wif a sigh she rolled back an' explained
"This hyar is a dream sequence. Ah's yer subconscious. Look. Shet mah mouth!"
A swarm of wingid monkeys flew past. Ev'rythin' was startin' to make sense. Wal, it made mo'e sense than an attrackive woomin throwin' herse'f at me.
Ennyway.
She corntinued
"Yo' like Marrow doesn't yo'? Yer gonna ack all surprised thet ah said thet an' say sumpin like but I've only known her a few days right? An' then yo'll angst."
Ah nodded mutely.
"Ah knows how these thin's is supposed t'go. Yo'll reckanize yo' hate her, an' she'll reckanize she hates yo', 'cept when yer savin' etch others lives, at which point thar'll be lotsa unresolved sexual tenshun an' then one day some ran'om super villain will shoot at one of yo' an' t'other will dive into th' way, valiantly savin' t'others life at th' cost of his o' her own, an' will survive only long inough to admit they've been in love of th' survivo' all along befo'e diein'. How tragically romannic. Yo' knows whut ah reckon about thet?"
Ah shook mah haid. Mah life was jest one trimenjus surreal drug free acid trip. She started talkin' agin.
"BULLSHIT! Fry mah hide! Its not gonna happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yer gonna be nice t'her. Yer gonna lissen t'her. Eventually she may cornsent to acshully start a relashunship wif yo'. Thet'd be a fine thin'. Oh, an' this hyar is fo' thrett upin' t'stab me t'death wif a Q-tip."
ah woke up wif a start. Thet was a weird dream, dawgone it. Ah relaxed an' lay back down on th' bed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ah c'dn't he'p but wonner
"Whut in tarnation did she mean when she said an' 'this is fo' thrett upin' to stab me wif a Q-tip?'"
Someone next t'me rolled on over, an arm was draped acrost mah chess an' th' mighty naked Wolvahine ah was sharin' th' bed wif axed
"Who said whut about a Q-tip darlin'?"
An' then ah woke up screamin'.
A fambly sized tub of chewable mo'phine stolen fum the infirmary an' ett up wif an ice cream scoop later ah managed to fall asleep agin. Th' next mo'nin' was a weekday an' the manshun was deserted, cuss it all t' tarnation. Apparently ev'ryone had acshul real lives outside of th' team an' th' occashunal skirmish t'the death wif supervillians bent on destroyin'/conquerin' the wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wifin an hour ah was so bo'ed ah was seriously contemplatin' chewin' mah own arm off, jest t'see eff'n ah c'd. Ah wan'ered into th' rec room, dawgone it. Ah was cornfronted wif the mos' trimenjus most expensive TV system ah had evah see. Unfo'tunately, it bein' daytime, thar was nothin' but daytime TV.
Wifin fif'een minutes ah was so bo'ed ah was redooced to watchin' Oprah while sittin' on th' couch upside down, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Af'er about ha'f an episode of lesbian transsexual prosteetootes who is addicked t'crack hittin' etch other wif chairs Marrow walked in, as enny fool kin plainly see. She didn't comment, she jest sat on th' couch acrost fum me an' gave me a peekoolyar look. Shet mah mouth! She opened her mouth t'make a comment but ah interrupped, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Ah's bo'ed ok? Now quiet. Lesbian hookers on crack. Shet mah mouth!"
Ah gestured vaguely towards th' TV.
"Yer bo'ed so yer sittin' upside down on th' couch? Thet he'ps?"
"Wal, no. But all th' blood does flow t'yer haid an' yo' start hallucinatin'."
"Oh."
All was quiet fo' a spell. She let out a sigh an' moved on over to th' couch. We sat upside down fo' a spell, makin' sarcastic comments about th' problems of all th' guests. Then ah had a mino' psychotic episode whar Rosie O'Donnell's haid floated outta th' TV an' told me t'go out an' kill in her name. Yo' thunk ah was kiddin' about th' blood flow t'the haid/hallucinashuns thin' right?
Ennyway.
Th' minutes stretched into hours. It's a lot less dull than it soun's. To tell th' truth, ah was happy spendin' time wif someone who was ackin' like ah was a regular varmint instead of a giant lizard thin'. It wus. nice.
Stop lookin' at me like thet. ah bet yo've nevah been chased acrost three blocks by a nun wavin' a bible, a bell an' a can'le who's hell bent on exo'cisin' yo', right?
An' yessuh, ah's aware of th' irony of usin' th' wo'ds hell bent to dexcribe a nun, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Ennyway.
Eventually t'other one of th' X-men wan'ered in, as enny fool kin plainly see. This hyar was one ah hadn't been intrydooced too. Ah heard him mutter
"Ok. Monster on th' couch. Upside down monster on th' couch. Fine. Jest dan'y. Ah doesn't care. I've spent th' last seven hours filin' other varmints's taxes an' ah's past carin'."
He moved on over t'one of th' trimenjus comfy chairs an' collapsed wif a combinashun 'ah's glad thass on over' sigh an' a 'thank god ah's sat down' groan, as enny fool kin plainly see. He fidgited fo' a spell an' then axed
"Hey Marrow, is yo' watchin' this?"
She turned t'look at me an' axed
"Is we watchin' this?"
Ah shrugged (Thet's acshully a purdy impressive feat eff'n yer upside down an' nine feet tall wif win's) an' answered
"ah's not pow'ful watchin' this."
Ah turned t'face th' guy an' axed whut he wanted t'watch. He was lookin' mighty surprised ah c'd speak. Shet mah mouth! Mah opinion of him plummeted, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ah decided t'give him th' benefit of th' doubt an' lissened as he told us about a mareethon of Anime he had been lookin' fo'ward t'fo' a spell. Japanese animashun. It soun'ed interestin'.
Two hours later, ah was cornsiderin' invadin' Japan an' mah opinion of abacus fella was so low it had moved into a subterranean cavahn next t'th' mole varmints.
Whut in tarnation? Abacus fella? He had muttered sumpin about doin' other varmintss taxes. Ah assoomd he was an accountant. Or he wawked fo' th' mob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Postibly both.
Whuffo' was ah so annoyed?
Etch an' ev'ry one of th' movies featured at least one giant monster eifer doin' sumpin disturbin'ly unhygienic to skoogals befo'e bein' blasted t'pieces by some idiot wif bad hair who screamed out th' names of ev'ry one of his attacks an' glowed, o' jest straight out bein' hacked to pieces by a ninja. One of them even looked like me!
Th' monster, not th' skoogal. Thet'd jus be plain weird, cuss it all t' tarnation.
An' t'other thin'. Eff'n ah evah start glowin' ah's gonna check th' water supply fo' heavy metals. These guys jest seem to reckon it makes them pow'ful.
Ennyway.
Ah axed him eff'n he pow'ful injoyed watchin' this hyar stuff. He opened his mouth t'say sumpin when th' chareecker (read: Hentai Tentacle Monster) thet looked like me was sliced in two.
Yo' haf no idea how disturbin' it is t'see an animated vahshun of yo'seff lop in two by a chibified skoogal wif giant eyes, a magic cat an' pow'ful trimenjus hair.
Ah gave abacus fella a mighty nasty look. Shet mah mouth! Thet's sumpin ah's fine at. He lef' mighty quickly. Marrow laughed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Jest great. I'd been th' manshun less than a week an' I'd scared one X-man away an' called t'other Gato'bait.