Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Eight
Angst off th' Hammond Bow! Fry mah hide! DIVE! Fry mah hide! DIVE! Fry mah hide!
Disclaimers-
Legal thin'y: Th' chareeckers an' situashuns represented wifin is owned by Cal, ah reckon. Argue wif him about this.
Archivin': Ennywhar, ennytime.
Ratin': How'd ah know? ah ain't writ enny mo'e than this.
Timeframe: Hey, th' future, when else?
Spoilers: Hyar's one now! Fry mah hide! "Thar is no spoon, as enny fool kin plainly see."
Th' ress of th' day af'er seein' of evil abacus man was spent purdy much barricaded in th' rec room, dawgone it. It was purdy dull, ah reckon. Th' high point was a discusshun on who sh'd be allered t'join th' team, dawgone it. We finally agreed on Jason X, th' freaky cybo'g killin' machine fum the. uh. eifer the Hallereen movies o' th' Friday th' thirteenth movies. ah fo'git which. Thar was also Ash fum Evil Daid an' Duke Nukem, dawgone it. Eff'n yo' doesn't knows who Duke Nukem is then ah pity yo', ah truly does. Th' man is mah hero. We got into a mighty pointless argoomnt af'er thet. Yea, it was thet kind of af'ernoon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Like ah said, purdy dull, ah reckon.
Th' interestin' stuff happened later, af'er we'd all retired t'our rooms. Or th' basement. Wharvah.
I'd had a nightmare. Wal.mo'e of a flashback. Shet mah mouth! ah hate flashbacks. ah c'd remember swirlin' images of a glass corntainer, an' a steel table, an' images of docko's all aroun' me, talkin' o' han'lin' medical instroomnts. Acshully, not so much a flashback as bein' trapped in a swirlin' abyss of nevah indin' soul twistin' to'ment. Eff'n ah even haf a soul, ah reckon.
Thet's not sumpin ah's hankerin' t'talk about right now.
An' ah knows whut yer reckonin'.
Oh look. Shet mah mouth! He was experimented on, as enny fool kin plainly see. How unique. Thet's nevah happened befo'e. Jest t'only th' ress of th' X-men at one time o' t'other.
I'll tell yo' this hyar now; it was a lot wo'se than jest bein' experimented on, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Ennyway.
I'd woken, gaspin' fo' breath, mah sheets tangled in mah claw, swin'in' a punch wif mah other han' at sumpin thet only existed in mah memo'ies ennymo'e.
It took me a moment t'remember were ah was. ah let out a sigh an' lowered mahse'f back down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah warn't gonna git ennymo'e sleep tonight.
Jest as ah was about t'leave an' eifer prowl th' manshun co'rido's fo' a while o' viset th' danger room an' beat th' hell outta sumpin holographic, Marrow spoke.
"ah knows thet feelin'."
ah was doubtful, t'say th' least. ah menshuned thet. She sno'ted, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Whut in tarnation makes yo' reckon yer th' only one who evah had ennythin' bad happen to yo'?"
ah laughed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Started talkin'. ah didn't stop fo' a long time. ah told her ev'rythin'. When ah was finished she returned th' favour. Turns out we both had a lot in common, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Th' next mo'nin' foun' us both sat on th' roof, wrapped in a blanket an' watchin' th' sun rise.
Thar's sumpin reassurin' about watchin' th' sun rise. Watchin' a noo day begin, as enny fool kin plainly see. It's a reminner than no matter how bad yessuhterday was, today kin be diffrunt. Better.
T'other thin' ah was glad about was thet thin's between us hadn't changed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal, mebbe they had a li'l. Thin's between us had gone fum an I-so't-of- tolerate-yer-presence friendship t'sumpin thet was mo'e like us bein' war buddies.
Jest in case yo' were reckonin' sumpin fine was happenin' t'me an' the two of us were up thar makin' some kind of cornneckshun ah's gonna hoof it right ahaid an' tell yo' whut happens next - ah kinda. fine, I'd been awake all night an'. an'. Wal, ah so'ta dozed off an' fell off of th' roof.
Yup. Yo' heard me.
A full on romannic watchin' th' sunrise moment an' ah passed out through sheer bein' awake all night an' fell off th' roof.
ah also totalled all of Sto'ms roses an' most of Jeans too when ah lan'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Sareeh did reckon it was hilarious though so it warn't a total lost though. who is ah kiddin'? ah c'dn't haf embarrassed mahse'f ennymo'e eff'n ah had danced a weird dance warin' a clown sueyt in th' middle of a large group of mutant hatin' monkeys who were all on crack an' armed wif large piles of monkeyturd, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Tanjunt ahoy! Fry mah hide!
Aint see enny of them fo' a spell, huh?
Ennyway.
Back t'th' plot.
Th' ress of th' week went purdy uneventfully, barrin' menny menny references to whut was bea-comin' known as 'th' war of th' roses' an' menny menny nasty looks fum Jean an' Sto'm, dawgone it. ah tried t'explain ah hadn't done it on purpose but no, ah was livin' wif th' manshuns resident basement monster so ah muss be evil an' ah muss haf done it on purpose. Yea, right. ah assassinate deco'ative bushes all th' time.
By th' by, th' basement monster line was not mine an' yo' nevah EVER heard me say it eifer, right?
Ennyway.
It was Saturday mo'nin' an' ah was happily sittin' on th' couch, eatin' lots of sugar coated cereal in a happy cartoon indooced mental coma when wif a mighty impressive BAMF an' a cloud of su'phur a peekoolyar furry guy wif a tail appeared, cuss it all t' tarnation. It was early an' mah brain was still runnin' about a quarter hour behind current events so ah didn't even reack as he boun'ed on over an' axed
"Yo' muss be Cal, ja? ah's Kurt Wagner an' ah's pleased t'meet yo'."
He grabbed mah claw an' shook it git-up-and-gitously. He noticed mah talons an' smiled befo'e corntinuin'
"Three claws? Perhaps later we kin git togither an' angst about how freakish an' misunnerstood we are, mein Freund?"
He held up a three fingered han' an' ah c'dn't he'p but smile.
"ah was axed t'relay this hyar message- we is all t'gather in th' main hallway. Danke und weg! Fry mah hide!"
(Thet sh'd say 'thanks an' away! Fry mah hide!' It might, acshully. ah's not sho'nuff. Mah accent is terrible. Or it'd be eff'n ah c'd speak German, but ah cain't so ah doesn't. ah can barely speak English sometimes.)
Ennyway, wif thet he perfo'med an exaggerated bow an' wif t'other BAMF tellypo'ted away.
Ah liked th' guy. He was kinda like a furry Errol Flynn, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Af'er quickly finishin' mah cereal ah made mah way t'th' hall, ah reckon. T'others were already thar. ah gave ev'ryone a cheery wave. Gato'bait gave me a nasty look, Logan gave me a slight nod an' Jubilee popped th' bubble she had been blowin'. It felt so nice t'be so popular an' appreesheeated, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Thet was sarcasm, by th' by.
Ennyway.
ah looked aroun' but ah c'dn't see Marrow. ah axed whar she was an' a mighty disgruntled soun'in' brunette ah hadn't see befo'e said
"Right hyar. Image indoocer."
Apparently thet was all th' explanashun ah was a-gonna git on account o' she eemeejutly returned t'givin' Sto'm mighty nasty looks. T'other regular lookin' guy, eff'n slightly mo' trimenjus an' bulkier than avahage walked on over fum whar he had been talkin' quietly wif Scooter. He muss haf ovahheard on account o' he explained
"Greetin' an' salutashuns, mah armo'ed amigo, tis I, th' bouncin' blue furred Beast. At least ah w'd be, were ah not camouflaged by this illushunary apparel, ably junerated by this hyar li'l wonner of modern technology."
He drew a metal tube fum a pocket an' han'ed it t'me. As ah examined it he continued, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Pressin' th' small button on th' side thar an' it will covah yo' in a hologram, dawgone it. Suffice t'say, on account o' ah designed it, it is a mighty cornvincin' hologram, dawgone it."
ah looked up an' suddenly ah c'dn't hear a wo'd he was sayin'. Thar was t'other member of th' X-Men walkin' towards us an' all ah c'd hear was Bon Jovi playin' th' song 'Bad Medicine'. She had a mass of flame red hair an' a stunnin' hourglass figger thet'd probably give her serious back problems in later life. She smiled at me as she passed an' ah's fairly sartin one of mah hearts started spasmin'.
".An' thet is whuffo' when yo' ackivate th' device it will, rather than covahin' yo' in a corncealin' hologram, renner yo' pareelyzed wharupon I will lock yo' in an o'bital satellyte ah have created whar yer only companions will be four robots. Once on this hyar satellyte ah will fo'ce yo' to watch bad movies till ah discovah th' one film thet drives yo' insane. Once ah have foun' this hyar movie ah will inflick it on th' wo'ld, thus destroyin' civilizashun. Enny quesshuns?"
Hank had still been talkin' an' apparently noticed thet he no longer had mah attenshun. He follered mah gaze, muttered sumpin unner his breath thet soun'ed surprisin'ly like 'Oh, not this hyar agin. Honestly, this hyar happens all the time.'
"Yo' need a timeout?"
Marrow had intered th' convahsashun.
She follered mah gaze.
"Who're we lookin' at? Th' redhaid. She was one of th' origeenal team ya know? She gits aroun'. Hell, were probably th' only varmints hyar she hain't slepp wif yet. An' her marriage t'leader man is havin' problems. Yo' sh'd try yer luck. Shet mah mouth! Yo' two'd make a hansum couple."
Hank was not lookin' happy about her comment. Thankfully a scene was avahted on account o' Scooter announced
"Okay varmints, outside an' into th' cars. Less git this hyar show on th' road, cuss it all t' tarnation."
We moved outside an' into th' cars. Wal, ah moved towards a Hummer. It looked like it was th' only thin' thet ah c'd ride in an' not crack both axles.
Befo'e ah got in ah ackivated th' image indoocer. ah discovahed a small problem, dawgone it. ah was about a foot an' a ha'f too tall, ah reckon. While mah legs an' chest were covahed by th' image indoocers field mah haid, win's, tail an' arms were floatin' in midair.
It was weird t'say th' least. Especially mah tail, ah reckon. Tails sh'dn't jest float aroun' like thet.
ah called Scooter on over. His fust reackshun was t'tell me not t'call him Scooter. Then he gave me a weird look. Shet mah mouth! Considerin' he was warin' ruby quartz shades, it was a mighty weird look. Shet mah mouth!
Ah axed eff'n th' image indoocer was pow'ful necessary. He said no. Wif a shrug ah pocketed it an' got into th' vehicle. Af'er much twitchin' an' shif'in' aroun' t'find a posishun thet didn't lop off th' blood flow t'mah tail I finally settled down, as enny fool kin plainly see.
On a side note, mah majo' pet hate is chairs not designed fo' varmints wif tails. ah hate it when mah tail goes numb. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. It allus takes an annoyin'ly long time befo'e th' feelin's come back. Shet mah mouth! Wal, ok. Shet mah mouth! Like I've said befo'e, ah rarely feel ennythin' physical 'cos of mah bio-armo' but ah knows when sumpin's numb an' when it ain't. An' when it ain't, it feels weird, cuss it all t' tarnation. Or don't. Or sumpin. Look, yer jest gonna hafta take mah wo'd fo' it ok?
Uhhh...
Whut in tarnation was ah talkin' about?
Kids, say no t'tanjunts.
Hehe. So'ry.
Ennyway.
ah was sittin' in th' back of th' hoomvee an' ah had jest gotten so'ta comfy. Up front was Abacus, th' annoyin' mutant accountant. ah knowed his name was Billy Bob Drake but ah was still annoyed about th' anime thin'. Hank was drivin'. ah axed whar we were gwine. Given th' amount of plannin' an' th' way Scooter had been ackin', ah was speckin' it t'be a raid on a super villain's base o' sumpin. Instead, ah was told we were a-gonna th' mall, ah reckon. ah w'd haf preferred th' super villains.
Angst off th' Hammond Bow! Fry mah hide! DIVE! Fry mah hide! DIVE! Fry mah hide!
Disclaimers-
Legal thin'y: Th' chareeckers an' situashuns represented wifin is owned by Cal, ah reckon. Argue wif him about this.
Archivin': Ennywhar, ennytime.
Ratin': How'd ah know? ah ain't writ enny mo'e than this.
Timeframe: Hey, th' future, when else?
Spoilers: Hyar's one now! Fry mah hide! "Thar is no spoon, as enny fool kin plainly see."
Th' ress of th' day af'er seein' of evil abacus man was spent purdy much barricaded in th' rec room, dawgone it. It was purdy dull, ah reckon. Th' high point was a discusshun on who sh'd be allered t'join th' team, dawgone it. We finally agreed on Jason X, th' freaky cybo'g killin' machine fum the. uh. eifer the Hallereen movies o' th' Friday th' thirteenth movies. ah fo'git which. Thar was also Ash fum Evil Daid an' Duke Nukem, dawgone it. Eff'n yo' doesn't knows who Duke Nukem is then ah pity yo', ah truly does. Th' man is mah hero. We got into a mighty pointless argoomnt af'er thet. Yea, it was thet kind of af'ernoon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Like ah said, purdy dull, ah reckon.
Th' interestin' stuff happened later, af'er we'd all retired t'our rooms. Or th' basement. Wharvah.
I'd had a nightmare. Wal.mo'e of a flashback. Shet mah mouth! ah hate flashbacks. ah c'd remember swirlin' images of a glass corntainer, an' a steel table, an' images of docko's all aroun' me, talkin' o' han'lin' medical instroomnts. Acshully, not so much a flashback as bein' trapped in a swirlin' abyss of nevah indin' soul twistin' to'ment. Eff'n ah even haf a soul, ah reckon.
Thet's not sumpin ah's hankerin' t'talk about right now.
An' ah knows whut yer reckonin'.
Oh look. Shet mah mouth! He was experimented on, as enny fool kin plainly see. How unique. Thet's nevah happened befo'e. Jest t'only th' ress of th' X-men at one time o' t'other.
I'll tell yo' this hyar now; it was a lot wo'se than jest bein' experimented on, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Ennyway.
I'd woken, gaspin' fo' breath, mah sheets tangled in mah claw, swin'in' a punch wif mah other han' at sumpin thet only existed in mah memo'ies ennymo'e.
It took me a moment t'remember were ah was. ah let out a sigh an' lowered mahse'f back down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah warn't gonna git ennymo'e sleep tonight.
Jest as ah was about t'leave an' eifer prowl th' manshun co'rido's fo' a while o' viset th' danger room an' beat th' hell outta sumpin holographic, Marrow spoke.
"ah knows thet feelin'."
ah was doubtful, t'say th' least. ah menshuned thet. She sno'ted, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Whut in tarnation makes yo' reckon yer th' only one who evah had ennythin' bad happen to yo'?"
ah laughed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Started talkin'. ah didn't stop fo' a long time. ah told her ev'rythin'. When ah was finished she returned th' favour. Turns out we both had a lot in common, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Th' next mo'nin' foun' us both sat on th' roof, wrapped in a blanket an' watchin' th' sun rise.
Thar's sumpin reassurin' about watchin' th' sun rise. Watchin' a noo day begin, as enny fool kin plainly see. It's a reminner than no matter how bad yessuhterday was, today kin be diffrunt. Better.
T'other thin' ah was glad about was thet thin's between us hadn't changed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal, mebbe they had a li'l. Thin's between us had gone fum an I-so't-of- tolerate-yer-presence friendship t'sumpin thet was mo'e like us bein' war buddies.
Jest in case yo' were reckonin' sumpin fine was happenin' t'me an' the two of us were up thar makin' some kind of cornneckshun ah's gonna hoof it right ahaid an' tell yo' whut happens next - ah kinda. fine, I'd been awake all night an'. an'. Wal, ah so'ta dozed off an' fell off of th' roof.
Yup. Yo' heard me.
A full on romannic watchin' th' sunrise moment an' ah passed out through sheer bein' awake all night an' fell off th' roof.
ah also totalled all of Sto'ms roses an' most of Jeans too when ah lan'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Sareeh did reckon it was hilarious though so it warn't a total lost though. who is ah kiddin'? ah c'dn't haf embarrassed mahse'f ennymo'e eff'n ah had danced a weird dance warin' a clown sueyt in th' middle of a large group of mutant hatin' monkeys who were all on crack an' armed wif large piles of monkeyturd, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Tanjunt ahoy! Fry mah hide!
Aint see enny of them fo' a spell, huh?
Ennyway.
Back t'th' plot.
Th' ress of th' week went purdy uneventfully, barrin' menny menny references to whut was bea-comin' known as 'th' war of th' roses' an' menny menny nasty looks fum Jean an' Sto'm, dawgone it. ah tried t'explain ah hadn't done it on purpose but no, ah was livin' wif th' manshuns resident basement monster so ah muss be evil an' ah muss haf done it on purpose. Yea, right. ah assassinate deco'ative bushes all th' time.
By th' by, th' basement monster line was not mine an' yo' nevah EVER heard me say it eifer, right?
Ennyway.
It was Saturday mo'nin' an' ah was happily sittin' on th' couch, eatin' lots of sugar coated cereal in a happy cartoon indooced mental coma when wif a mighty impressive BAMF an' a cloud of su'phur a peekoolyar furry guy wif a tail appeared, cuss it all t' tarnation. It was early an' mah brain was still runnin' about a quarter hour behind current events so ah didn't even reack as he boun'ed on over an' axed
"Yo' muss be Cal, ja? ah's Kurt Wagner an' ah's pleased t'meet yo'."
He grabbed mah claw an' shook it git-up-and-gitously. He noticed mah talons an' smiled befo'e corntinuin'
"Three claws? Perhaps later we kin git togither an' angst about how freakish an' misunnerstood we are, mein Freund?"
He held up a three fingered han' an' ah c'dn't he'p but smile.
"ah was axed t'relay this hyar message- we is all t'gather in th' main hallway. Danke und weg! Fry mah hide!"
(Thet sh'd say 'thanks an' away! Fry mah hide!' It might, acshully. ah's not sho'nuff. Mah accent is terrible. Or it'd be eff'n ah c'd speak German, but ah cain't so ah doesn't. ah can barely speak English sometimes.)
Ennyway, wif thet he perfo'med an exaggerated bow an' wif t'other BAMF tellypo'ted away.
Ah liked th' guy. He was kinda like a furry Errol Flynn, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Af'er quickly finishin' mah cereal ah made mah way t'th' hall, ah reckon. T'others were already thar. ah gave ev'ryone a cheery wave. Gato'bait gave me a nasty look, Logan gave me a slight nod an' Jubilee popped th' bubble she had been blowin'. It felt so nice t'be so popular an' appreesheeated, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Thet was sarcasm, by th' by.
Ennyway.
ah looked aroun' but ah c'dn't see Marrow. ah axed whar she was an' a mighty disgruntled soun'in' brunette ah hadn't see befo'e said
"Right hyar. Image indoocer."
Apparently thet was all th' explanashun ah was a-gonna git on account o' she eemeejutly returned t'givin' Sto'm mighty nasty looks. T'other regular lookin' guy, eff'n slightly mo' trimenjus an' bulkier than avahage walked on over fum whar he had been talkin' quietly wif Scooter. He muss haf ovahheard on account o' he explained
"Greetin' an' salutashuns, mah armo'ed amigo, tis I, th' bouncin' blue furred Beast. At least ah w'd be, were ah not camouflaged by this illushunary apparel, ably junerated by this hyar li'l wonner of modern technology."
He drew a metal tube fum a pocket an' han'ed it t'me. As ah examined it he continued, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Pressin' th' small button on th' side thar an' it will covah yo' in a hologram, dawgone it. Suffice t'say, on account o' ah designed it, it is a mighty cornvincin' hologram, dawgone it."
ah looked up an' suddenly ah c'dn't hear a wo'd he was sayin'. Thar was t'other member of th' X-Men walkin' towards us an' all ah c'd hear was Bon Jovi playin' th' song 'Bad Medicine'. She had a mass of flame red hair an' a stunnin' hourglass figger thet'd probably give her serious back problems in later life. She smiled at me as she passed an' ah's fairly sartin one of mah hearts started spasmin'.
".An' thet is whuffo' when yo' ackivate th' device it will, rather than covahin' yo' in a corncealin' hologram, renner yo' pareelyzed wharupon I will lock yo' in an o'bital satellyte ah have created whar yer only companions will be four robots. Once on this hyar satellyte ah will fo'ce yo' to watch bad movies till ah discovah th' one film thet drives yo' insane. Once ah have foun' this hyar movie ah will inflick it on th' wo'ld, thus destroyin' civilizashun. Enny quesshuns?"
Hank had still been talkin' an' apparently noticed thet he no longer had mah attenshun. He follered mah gaze, muttered sumpin unner his breath thet soun'ed surprisin'ly like 'Oh, not this hyar agin. Honestly, this hyar happens all the time.'
"Yo' need a timeout?"
Marrow had intered th' convahsashun.
She follered mah gaze.
"Who're we lookin' at? Th' redhaid. She was one of th' origeenal team ya know? She gits aroun'. Hell, were probably th' only varmints hyar she hain't slepp wif yet. An' her marriage t'leader man is havin' problems. Yo' sh'd try yer luck. Shet mah mouth! Yo' two'd make a hansum couple."
Hank was not lookin' happy about her comment. Thankfully a scene was avahted on account o' Scooter announced
"Okay varmints, outside an' into th' cars. Less git this hyar show on th' road, cuss it all t' tarnation."
We moved outside an' into th' cars. Wal, ah moved towards a Hummer. It looked like it was th' only thin' thet ah c'd ride in an' not crack both axles.
Befo'e ah got in ah ackivated th' image indoocer. ah discovahed a small problem, dawgone it. ah was about a foot an' a ha'f too tall, ah reckon. While mah legs an' chest were covahed by th' image indoocers field mah haid, win's, tail an' arms were floatin' in midair.
It was weird t'say th' least. Especially mah tail, ah reckon. Tails sh'dn't jest float aroun' like thet.
ah called Scooter on over. His fust reackshun was t'tell me not t'call him Scooter. Then he gave me a weird look. Shet mah mouth! Considerin' he was warin' ruby quartz shades, it was a mighty weird look. Shet mah mouth!
Ah axed eff'n th' image indoocer was pow'ful necessary. He said no. Wif a shrug ah pocketed it an' got into th' vehicle. Af'er much twitchin' an' shif'in' aroun' t'find a posishun thet didn't lop off th' blood flow t'mah tail I finally settled down, as enny fool kin plainly see.
On a side note, mah majo' pet hate is chairs not designed fo' varmints wif tails. ah hate it when mah tail goes numb. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. It allus takes an annoyin'ly long time befo'e th' feelin's come back. Shet mah mouth! Wal, ok. Shet mah mouth! Like I've said befo'e, ah rarely feel ennythin' physical 'cos of mah bio-armo' but ah knows when sumpin's numb an' when it ain't. An' when it ain't, it feels weird, cuss it all t' tarnation. Or don't. Or sumpin. Look, yer jest gonna hafta take mah wo'd fo' it ok?
Uhhh...
Whut in tarnation was ah talkin' about?
Kids, say no t'tanjunts.
Hehe. So'ry.
Ennyway.
ah was sittin' in th' back of th' hoomvee an' ah had jest gotten so'ta comfy. Up front was Abacus, th' annoyin' mutant accountant. ah knowed his name was Billy Bob Drake but ah was still annoyed about th' anime thin'. Hank was drivin'. ah axed whar we were gwine. Given th' amount of plannin' an' th' way Scooter had been ackin', ah was speckin' it t'be a raid on a super villain's base o' sumpin. Instead, ah was told we were a-gonna th' mall, ah reckon. ah w'd haf preferred th' super villains.