Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper nine
Thin's happen in a mall, ah reckon.
Disclaimers-
Yet t'other legal thin'y: One of these days, ah will claim I own them, jest t'see whut happens. But not today.
Archivin': Sho'nuff, whuffo' not. ah won't even ax fo' a tall, cold one in exchange. I'll jest set har an' look appealin'.
Ratin': Good quesshun.
Time frame: Wal, so't of aroun' now, eff'n yo' git th' comics in Englan'. Mebbe. Yo' knows how fanfic is.
Spoilers: Did ah make th' star wars crack yet? Howsabout a matrix reference? Eff'n ah ain't then probably.
ah looked aroun'. Th' mall was, fine it was a mall, ah reckon. A trimenjus stone buildin' full of th' happy soun's, sights an' smells of capitalism, dawgone it. We wasn't even inside an' ah was hyperventilatin'.
ah HATE CROWDS.
Jest in case thet warn't clear inough
AH HATE CROWDS.
Ahem, dawgone it.
So'ry.
Like I've said befo'e, they freak me out. Varmints starin', pointin', runnin' away screamin' in fear, fo'min' lynch mobs, th' usual, ah reckon.
Thet kinda thin' has a serious impack on th' se'f cornfidence of even th' greasiess of used car salesmen, let alone a no'mal mutant.
ah looked aroun'. Th' placed didn't look like ennythin' special but fum th' way Hank an' Abacus had been talkin' on the drive up hyar it seemed like it had special significance fo' them, dawgone it.
Billy Bob as a goomba slacker mallrat sho'nuff, but Hank? Thet I cannot even begin t'imagine. It's like tryin' t'pitcher yer granny naked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' image is jest.wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Mighty, mighty wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! An' eff'n it seems like ah idolize Hank, ah do. He's a wo'ld famous scientist, fo'mer avenger an' fully capable of pullin' someone's arms off wif his feet. Plus whenevah he's aroun' he makes me look slightly less huge an' evil giant Tokyo destroyin' lizard like by comparison, as enny fool kin plainly see. Or sumpin. Yo' reckon ah soun' pathetic now, yo' sh'd haf heard th' convahsashun on th' way up.
"Yessuh Dr. McCoy." "Really Docko' McCoy?" "Wow. ah had no idea." "No Docko' McCoy."
ah was jest agreein' wif ev'rythin' he said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Total fawnin'.
Wal, okay ah warn't callin' him Docko' McCoy. Ev'ry time I did thet he interrupped by shoutin'
"He's daid, Jim! Fry mah hide!"
He's smart, fine ejoocayted, right fine, calm, collecked, cornfident, charismatic an' probably a lot of other wo'ds beginnin' wif c. He's ev'rythin' ah's hankerin' t'be.
Ennyway.
ah looked aroun' th' entrance. I'd been stood thar fo' a coupla minutes at least an' t'mah surprise ah c'dn't see a lynch mob fo'min' o' ennythin'. ah was gittin' a few odd looks fum nearby varmints but th' looks were curiosity, not hatred, cuss it all t' tarnation. Still, crowds equal bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. T'others were dispersin', wan'erin' off t'their favo'ite sto'es. Ole Scooter took a moment to remind ev'ryone of our schedule an' walked off, leavin' me an' Marrow. ah took a deep breathe. She gave me a look an' axed eff'n ah was okay. ah muttered sumpin along th' lines of 'I'll survive.' An' t'mah total surprise, she slipped her han' into mine, looked up at me an' said
"Eff'n yo' menshun this hyar to ennyone, EVER, ah will kill yo' in a way so nasty whoevah finds yer hide will be scarred fo' life."
Aside fum th' threat ah thunk it was a mighty sweet gesture. An' an oddly reassurin' one. ah felt a lot better. ah warn't a-gonna tell her thet though. Thar's only one of me aroun', an' ah owe it t'th' unyverse t'keep me aroun' fo' as long as postible, preferably avoidin' enny so't of violent stabbin' along th' way.
We walked off into th' mall, ah reckon. On account o' I'd intered th' insteetoote wif a ha'f emppy duffel bag an' th' clo'es on mah back as mah only postesshuns ah needed purdy much one of ev'rythin'. Scooter had han'ed me a platinum credit card, cuss it all t' tarnation. Apparently Professo' Picard had told him t'give it t'me so ah c'd pick up a few essentials. ah was as surprised as yer. I mean, a platinum card, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah have no idea whut th' limit is on thet but ah git th' feelin' ah c'd buy a twelve thousan' dollar appendix transplant an' not git close t'it.
Did ah jest refer t'Professo' Xavier as Professo' Picard? I did didn't I? It's thet star trek thin' agin. ah cannot believe ah's th' only one who sees thet.
Ennyway.
Books were purchased, as were menny obscure movies fum a shop called Stomp Tokyo. ah love obscure movies. An' bad movies. An' obscure bad movies. One of th' two high points of the trip was findin' a shop thet stocked mah favo'ite bran' of a coffee 'Chichen Itza'. Grown deep in th' jungles of south South Car'lina by th' inmates of a paful omnus lookin' insane asylum, it is mighty, mighty strong.
Eff'n ah's in an evil mood I'll give it t'th' unsuspeckin' an' laugh as they drink it, hoof it insane an' thrash wildly as they try to stop th' trimenjus blue wasps fum flyin' up their nose an' takin' on over their brains.
Th' second high point of th' trip happened a li'l af'er I'd jest finished buyin' th' entire shops supply of Chichen Itza bran' a coffee. ah was jugglin' them bags, t'other bags of stuff I'd bought plus a huge pile of junk grub Sareeh had threst into mah arms when she stopped suddenly.
Eff'n ah nevah menshuned it befo'e, she has a serious sweet tooth. Acco'din' t'her she jest injoys grub thass supposed to be sweet by design, not on account o' it's decayin'.
Thet's whut growin' up in a pareellel unyverse'l does to yer outlook on life, ah suppose.
Ennyway.
We were still holdin' han's so only wif a lot of comical win' flappin' did ah not fall on over.
Figgerin' about thet, ah's cornfused, cuss it all t' tarnation. I've got a fine three feet straight up on her, as fine as sevahal hundred poun's, yet I was th' one who almost fell on over.
Weird huh?
Ennyway.
Sareeh announced we had an audience. Af'er managin' to rearrange th' pile of shoppin' bags inough so thet ah c'd look on over them ah noticed ah was bein' stared at by a small chile. ah stared, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' chile stared back. Shet mah mouth! Finally af'er whut looked like a lot of mental effo't on th' kids part she decided t'ax
"Is yo' a giant?"
Befo'e ah c'd reply, Sareeh knelt down an' axed
"Is yo' a dwarf?"
Th' kid who ah was fairly sartin by now was a gal (She was dressed like a chareecker fum Pokemon, as enny fool kin plainly see. It was hard t'tell ok?) giggled an' shook her haid.
"He muss be a giant then, as enny fool kin plainly see."
Th' kid giggled agin an' Sareeh smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. Turns out she's fine wif kids. Who knowed?
Wif a cry of 'thar yer! Fry mah hide!' a mighty hareessed lookin' woomin ran on over an' picked th' kid up. She looked up an' noticed me an' her eyes widened, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"She warn't botherin' yo' was she?"
ah assured th' woomin th' kid warn't botherin' us. She looked like she was about t'say sumpin t'th' kid when she paused, looked me up an' down an' axed eff'n ah was a mutant. I didn't bother t'deny it. Somehow varmints kin tell ah's not hoomin jest by lookin' at me. Whut in tarnation happened next was mighty surprisin'.
Is it me o' does ah tend t'dexcribe thin's as mighty surprisin' a lot?
Meh. Probably jest me. Off wif th' tanjunt an' on wif th' sto'y. Or sumpin. Ennyway.
She explained thet she was a skoo marm at a local skoo an' thet she was arrangin' an event whar varmints fum diffrunt mino'ity groups were bein' invited t'talk in front of the skoo, t'promote racial tolerance. Th' one group she hadn't been able t'find a representative fum was mutants. She finished her explanashun an' gave me a hopeful look. Shet mah mouth! It took me a moment t'reckanize thet she was hopin' ah w'd volunteer.
Thet was mighty surprisin'.
ah do dexcribe thin's as mighty surprisin', an' ah do it a lot. Not sho'nuff whuffo' ah felt th' urge t'point this hyar out though.
Ennyway.
Sareeh pulled me t'one side an' said
"ah reckon yo' sh'd does this. Yo' c'd pow'ful does sumpin fine hyar."
ah looked skeppical, ah reckon. She looked mildly annoyed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah reckanized her look. Shet mah mouth! It said 'I am th' woomin hyar, an' ah will injoy makin' yer life hell eff'n ah doesn't git mah way.'
ah nevah stood a chance. As we walked away a thunk struck me. Whuffo' was ah doin' this hyar an' not Sareeh?
Thin's happen in a mall, ah reckon.
Disclaimers-
Yet t'other legal thin'y: One of these days, ah will claim I own them, jest t'see whut happens. But not today.
Archivin': Sho'nuff, whuffo' not. ah won't even ax fo' a tall, cold one in exchange. I'll jest set har an' look appealin'.
Ratin': Good quesshun.
Time frame: Wal, so't of aroun' now, eff'n yo' git th' comics in Englan'. Mebbe. Yo' knows how fanfic is.
Spoilers: Did ah make th' star wars crack yet? Howsabout a matrix reference? Eff'n ah ain't then probably.
ah looked aroun'. Th' mall was, fine it was a mall, ah reckon. A trimenjus stone buildin' full of th' happy soun's, sights an' smells of capitalism, dawgone it. We wasn't even inside an' ah was hyperventilatin'.
ah HATE CROWDS.
Jest in case thet warn't clear inough
AH HATE CROWDS.
Ahem, dawgone it.
So'ry.
Like I've said befo'e, they freak me out. Varmints starin', pointin', runnin' away screamin' in fear, fo'min' lynch mobs, th' usual, ah reckon.
Thet kinda thin' has a serious impack on th' se'f cornfidence of even th' greasiess of used car salesmen, let alone a no'mal mutant.
ah looked aroun'. Th' placed didn't look like ennythin' special but fum th' way Hank an' Abacus had been talkin' on the drive up hyar it seemed like it had special significance fo' them, dawgone it.
Billy Bob as a goomba slacker mallrat sho'nuff, but Hank? Thet I cannot even begin t'imagine. It's like tryin' t'pitcher yer granny naked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' image is jest.wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Mighty, mighty wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! An' eff'n it seems like ah idolize Hank, ah do. He's a wo'ld famous scientist, fo'mer avenger an' fully capable of pullin' someone's arms off wif his feet. Plus whenevah he's aroun' he makes me look slightly less huge an' evil giant Tokyo destroyin' lizard like by comparison, as enny fool kin plainly see. Or sumpin. Yo' reckon ah soun' pathetic now, yo' sh'd haf heard th' convahsashun on th' way up.
"Yessuh Dr. McCoy." "Really Docko' McCoy?" "Wow. ah had no idea." "No Docko' McCoy."
ah was jest agreein' wif ev'rythin' he said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Total fawnin'.
Wal, okay ah warn't callin' him Docko' McCoy. Ev'ry time I did thet he interrupped by shoutin'
"He's daid, Jim! Fry mah hide!"
He's smart, fine ejoocayted, right fine, calm, collecked, cornfident, charismatic an' probably a lot of other wo'ds beginnin' wif c. He's ev'rythin' ah's hankerin' t'be.
Ennyway.
ah looked aroun' th' entrance. I'd been stood thar fo' a coupla minutes at least an' t'mah surprise ah c'dn't see a lynch mob fo'min' o' ennythin'. ah was gittin' a few odd looks fum nearby varmints but th' looks were curiosity, not hatred, cuss it all t' tarnation. Still, crowds equal bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. T'others were dispersin', wan'erin' off t'their favo'ite sto'es. Ole Scooter took a moment to remind ev'ryone of our schedule an' walked off, leavin' me an' Marrow. ah took a deep breathe. She gave me a look an' axed eff'n ah was okay. ah muttered sumpin along th' lines of 'I'll survive.' An' t'mah total surprise, she slipped her han' into mine, looked up at me an' said
"Eff'n yo' menshun this hyar to ennyone, EVER, ah will kill yo' in a way so nasty whoevah finds yer hide will be scarred fo' life."
Aside fum th' threat ah thunk it was a mighty sweet gesture. An' an oddly reassurin' one. ah felt a lot better. ah warn't a-gonna tell her thet though. Thar's only one of me aroun', an' ah owe it t'th' unyverse t'keep me aroun' fo' as long as postible, preferably avoidin' enny so't of violent stabbin' along th' way.
We walked off into th' mall, ah reckon. On account o' I'd intered th' insteetoote wif a ha'f emppy duffel bag an' th' clo'es on mah back as mah only postesshuns ah needed purdy much one of ev'rythin'. Scooter had han'ed me a platinum credit card, cuss it all t' tarnation. Apparently Professo' Picard had told him t'give it t'me so ah c'd pick up a few essentials. ah was as surprised as yer. I mean, a platinum card, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah have no idea whut th' limit is on thet but ah git th' feelin' ah c'd buy a twelve thousan' dollar appendix transplant an' not git close t'it.
Did ah jest refer t'Professo' Xavier as Professo' Picard? I did didn't I? It's thet star trek thin' agin. ah cannot believe ah's th' only one who sees thet.
Ennyway.
Books were purchased, as were menny obscure movies fum a shop called Stomp Tokyo. ah love obscure movies. An' bad movies. An' obscure bad movies. One of th' two high points of the trip was findin' a shop thet stocked mah favo'ite bran' of a coffee 'Chichen Itza'. Grown deep in th' jungles of south South Car'lina by th' inmates of a paful omnus lookin' insane asylum, it is mighty, mighty strong.
Eff'n ah's in an evil mood I'll give it t'th' unsuspeckin' an' laugh as they drink it, hoof it insane an' thrash wildly as they try to stop th' trimenjus blue wasps fum flyin' up their nose an' takin' on over their brains.
Th' second high point of th' trip happened a li'l af'er I'd jest finished buyin' th' entire shops supply of Chichen Itza bran' a coffee. ah was jugglin' them bags, t'other bags of stuff I'd bought plus a huge pile of junk grub Sareeh had threst into mah arms when she stopped suddenly.
Eff'n ah nevah menshuned it befo'e, she has a serious sweet tooth. Acco'din' t'her she jest injoys grub thass supposed to be sweet by design, not on account o' it's decayin'.
Thet's whut growin' up in a pareellel unyverse'l does to yer outlook on life, ah suppose.
Ennyway.
We were still holdin' han's so only wif a lot of comical win' flappin' did ah not fall on over.
Figgerin' about thet, ah's cornfused, cuss it all t' tarnation. I've got a fine three feet straight up on her, as fine as sevahal hundred poun's, yet I was th' one who almost fell on over.
Weird huh?
Ennyway.
Sareeh announced we had an audience. Af'er managin' to rearrange th' pile of shoppin' bags inough so thet ah c'd look on over them ah noticed ah was bein' stared at by a small chile. ah stared, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' chile stared back. Shet mah mouth! Finally af'er whut looked like a lot of mental effo't on th' kids part she decided t'ax
"Is yo' a giant?"
Befo'e ah c'd reply, Sareeh knelt down an' axed
"Is yo' a dwarf?"
Th' kid who ah was fairly sartin by now was a gal (She was dressed like a chareecker fum Pokemon, as enny fool kin plainly see. It was hard t'tell ok?) giggled an' shook her haid.
"He muss be a giant then, as enny fool kin plainly see."
Th' kid giggled agin an' Sareeh smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. Turns out she's fine wif kids. Who knowed?
Wif a cry of 'thar yer! Fry mah hide!' a mighty hareessed lookin' woomin ran on over an' picked th' kid up. She looked up an' noticed me an' her eyes widened, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"She warn't botherin' yo' was she?"
ah assured th' woomin th' kid warn't botherin' us. She looked like she was about t'say sumpin t'th' kid when she paused, looked me up an' down an' axed eff'n ah was a mutant. I didn't bother t'deny it. Somehow varmints kin tell ah's not hoomin jest by lookin' at me. Whut in tarnation happened next was mighty surprisin'.
Is it me o' does ah tend t'dexcribe thin's as mighty surprisin' a lot?
Meh. Probably jest me. Off wif th' tanjunt an' on wif th' sto'y. Or sumpin. Ennyway.
She explained thet she was a skoo marm at a local skoo an' thet she was arrangin' an event whar varmints fum diffrunt mino'ity groups were bein' invited t'talk in front of the skoo, t'promote racial tolerance. Th' one group she hadn't been able t'find a representative fum was mutants. She finished her explanashun an' gave me a hopeful look. Shet mah mouth! It took me a moment t'reckanize thet she was hopin' ah w'd volunteer.
Thet was mighty surprisin'.
ah do dexcribe thin's as mighty surprisin', an' ah do it a lot. Not sho'nuff whuffo' ah felt th' urge t'point this hyar out though.
Ennyway.
Sareeh pulled me t'one side an' said
"ah reckon yo' sh'd does this. Yo' c'd pow'ful does sumpin fine hyar."
ah looked skeppical, ah reckon. She looked mildly annoyed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah reckanized her look. Shet mah mouth! It said 'I am th' woomin hyar, an' ah will injoy makin' yer life hell eff'n ah doesn't git mah way.'
ah nevah stood a chance. As we walked away a thunk struck me. Whuffo' was ah doin' this hyar an' not Sareeh?