Alanna: The First Adventure--Reader's Digest Edition
Disclaimer: Sorry…this is so irreverent. But I love it to death. Anyhoo, Tammy owns all of this, yada yada yada…
A CASTLE in the North
LORD ALAN
I am determined to make my
children's lives miserable. You will
never see me again.
ALANNA
I hate you. I'm going to totally
defy you and do whatever the hell I want.
THOM
Ditto that.
A HALLWAY in the CASTLE in the North
ALANNA
Screw this. I want to be a knight.
Even though I'm a girl.
THOM
Notice how I now so hint
towards the future.
ALANNA
Ditto that.
MAUDE'S PLACE in the VILLAGE
MAUDE
Did you know I hate you?
THOM
Who gives? Just get on with the freaky fire
thing you're about to do.
MAUDE starts a FIRE with VERVAIN
ALANNA
Wow. A black city in the middle of a fire.
This isn't foreshadowing or anything.
MAUDE
Ok, cool. Y'all have your way.
ALANNA'S BEDROOM where MAUDE is cutting ALANNA'S HAIR
MAUDE
Notice how I make total reference to
your future life.
ALANNA
Who gives?
MAUDE
You are blessed by the Goddess.
ALANNA
Uhm…so?
On the ROAD TO CORUS
CORAM
Why me?
THOM
I'm in a dress and no one has noticed.
ALANNA
Wouldn't be the first time.
MAUDE
Ok, "Alanna," let's go.
MAUDE AND THOM head for the CITY OF THE GODS, while ALANNA AND CORAM go to CORUS.
ALANNA
Hey, Coram, guess who!
CORAM
Shit. I am now going to get drunk.
ALANNA saves CORAM from a SNAKE. They go to an INN.
CORAM
Wow, I'm hung over. When do
I get to beat the crap out of those two?
ALANNA
You don't. Call me Alan.
CORAM
Ok, fine by me.
CORUS MARKETPLACE
CORAM
Yo, Alanna, stay away from him.
GEORGE
I am not important to the plot at all.
ALANNA
You know I'm not going to listen, right?
GEORGE
I'll see you later! Bye!
THE PALACE
DUKE GARETH
I am very intimidating and imposing.
ALANNA
I'm not fazed.
DUKE GARETH
So, Alan, have fun. I shall see you later when
I see fit to yell at you for doing something bad.
ALANNA
Uhm, cool?
CORAM
Don't say "cool" to a duke!
THE PAGES' WING
RALON
I'm going to randomly pick a fight with you.
We shall be enemies.
ALANNA
Fuck off.
JONATHAN
Ralon, you ass, I hate you. Get lost.
Hey, Alan. Wanna be my new best friend?
ALANNA
Sure.
GARY
Tight. I'll sponsor you.
ALANNA
Huh? Uhm, yeah, sure. Whatever.
ALEX
Notice how I stand menacingly in the background.
That's not foreshadowing or anything.
RAOUL
Hey, shut up. You're ruining the book.
THE PAGES' CLASSROOMS
ALANNA
Wow, this is boring.
GARY
Yeah. It just gets worse. Did I mention my father
is the duke you met earlier?
RANDOM MATHEMATICS TEACHER
Hey, learn algebra!
ALANNA
This sucks.
MYLES'S CLASSROOM
MYLES
Hello. I am the one teacher the pages actually like.
Note the good posture in my room.
ALANNA
Hey, he's funny! I bet he'll be a major
character later on!
ALEX
So will I! Notice my skulking about!
THE FIGHTING COURTS
RANDOM FIGHTING MASTER
Work hard, and you'll do well.
ALANNA
Well, this sucks.
ALANNA'S BEDROOM
CORAM
What's wrong?
ALANNA
I'm going to whine and bitch a lot.
I want to go home!
CORAM
Coward.
ALANNA
Fine, I'll stay!
DUKE GARETH'S OFFICE
DUKE GARETH
Notice me looking quite imposing here!
Alan, you can go into the city.
ALANNA
Cool! Can Gary come with me?
For foreshadowing purposes, of course?
DUKE GARETH
Yeah, why not?
THE CITY
GARY
Uhm, this is boring. We need to add another character.
Enter GEORGE.
GEORGE
Hey, we meet again. This proves that I am an essential
plot element. Note my cleverly done "city accent."
ALANNA
Hey, what's up?
GEORGE
Hey, guess what! I'm the King of Thieves!
ALANNA
Way cool.
GARY
Good. Now we have introduced the "rebellious but
still protagonistic" character.
GEORGE
You just need a villain. And is "protagonistic"
a word?
ALANNA
No, but it sounds good.
Back in DUKE GARETH'S OFFICE
DUKE GARETH
Your father wrote me a letter and called you
Thom. What the hell is up?
ALANNA
Watch as I tell an unbelievable lie and get away with it.
DUKE GARETH
Ok, you're free to go.
THE STABLES
RALON
Clean my horse.
ALANNA
Over my dead body. Go pick a fight with
someone else!
STEFAN
Hello. I am a background character, yet I will
prove quite important later on.
GARY'S ROOMS
FRANCIS
I am unremarkable.
RAOUL
I'm looking for an excuse to kick Ralon's ass.
I like Alan, though I've had literally no one-on-one
conversations with him.
Later by THE POND
RALON
Watch as I pick a fight with Alan.
ALANNA
Get away, freak. I hate you!
After DINNER in MYLES'S ROOMS
MYLES
You'd better toughen up before Ralon kicks your ass.
ALANNA
Stop rubbing it in my face.
Again in THE STABLES
RALON
I'm going to kick your ass.
ALANNA
No, I'm going to hit you where it hurts first.
RALON kicks ALANNA'S ASS
Later in ALANNA'S ROOMS
CORAM
Wow. If I didn't like you, I'd be laughing.
ALANNA
Shut up and get me something for this damn black eye.
JONATHAN
Let me in. Wow, you're hurt.
RAOUL
Can I beat him up now? Please?
GARY
Shut up, Raoul.
ALEX
Notice how I hang out menacingly in the background.
FRANCIS
I'm a totally invisible character.
ALANNA
Shut up and go away. This is totally embarrassing.
THE DANCING DOVE
ALANNA
Wow, we just skipped about five scenes.
RISPAH
Hello. I act like a total whore here and hit on an eleven-year-old
who is in truth a girl. Gross, huh?
GEORGE
God, why does everyone take advantage of me?
ALANNA
Just teach me how to kick his ass, please!!!!
GEORGE
Oh, fine. I am, of course, only doing this because I like you.
Damn that foreshadowing again.
THE FIGHTING COURTS
ALANNA
Now that I have sufficient skills, Ralon, I'm going
to absolutely beat you to a pulp.
RALON
You suck.
ALANNA beats RALON to a pulp.
DUKE GARETH'S OFFICE
ALANNA
I seem to spend a lot of time in here.
DUKE GARETH
Alan, that was wrong.
ALANNA
Sorry, Your Grace, but it got him out of the way.
DUKE GARETH
Yes, thank the gods.
A suspicious SICKNESS called the SWEATING SICKNESS strikes. FRANCIS dies and no one cares. He was, after all, unremarkable.
JONATHAN'S ROOMS
ALANNA
I call on my magical powers to save you!!!
MYLES
Wow, this is so predictable. I bet whoever sent this sickness will
become your enemy, Alan.
ALANNA
Shut up, Jonathan is dying! I must save him!
ALANNA uses VERVAIN in the FIRE. She sees that BLACK CITY again, and hears the VOICE OF THE GODDESS.
GODDESS
Save him!
ALANNA
That damn city again! Now it's definitely part of the plot.
JONATHAN
Uhm, save me?!?!
ALANNA
Oh, ok, yeah, sure. I'll save you!
Come back, Jonathan, come back!
MYLES
Wow, does Alan sound like a woman? I bet that has
something to do with the plot!
ALANNA
No shit, Sherlock.
JONATHAN
Yay! I'm alive!
THE PALACE COURTYARD
ROGER
I am the king's handsome sorcerer-duke nephew!
I am not at all suspicious!
ALANNA
Wow, I don't like you! I wonder if this has something
to do with the plot!
ROGER
Absolutely. I don't like you either!
THE CITY
ALANNA
Wow! George found me a horse! That was nice of him!
JONATHAN
Why am I here?
ALANNA
For plot purposes!
GEORGE
Omigod, it's the prince. Why the hell are you here?
JONATHAN
None of your damn business, King of Thieves.
ALANNA
Wow, tension between you two already.
I sense some major foreshadowing here.
JONATHAN
I don't get it.
ALANNA
Well, it's like, you two are fighting already. And here
I am, in the middle of it.
GEORGE
Oh, fun. I get it. By the way, here's the horse.
I shall sell it to you for an insanely small price, because
I like you, and that is major foreshadowing.
ALANNA
Cool beans. I'll call her Moonlight.
GEORGE
And for good measure, so it looks like
I sort of get along with Jonathan, here's another horse for you.
JONATHAN
Uhm, cool. I like you, but I can sense some
definite tension here.
THE FIGHTING COURTS
SKLAW
Wow, I am a mean old man. And Alan, you suck at fencing.
ALANNA
Yeah, me and these three other random pages.
GEOFFREY
Uhm, yeah. Was I in the book before?
SACHERELL
Who am I?
ALANNA
Who cares?
SKLAW
Wow, you all are bad.
ALANNA'S BEDROOM
ALANNA
Wow, I'm bleeding. Shit, I need a healer.
GEORGE'S BEDROOM
ALANNA
I'm a girl.
GEORGE
Uhm, ok. Well, in that case, notice the sexual tension because
I'm definitely not wearing anything.
ALANNA
Yeah, this isn't foreshadowing or anything. Anyway, I need
a friggin healer.
GEORGE
Ok, I'll take you to my mother, since, after all, this entire
scene is foreshadowing.
ELENI'S HOUSE
ELENI
Hello, I am George's benevolent mother. I am definitely
a major plot point.
ALANNA
Anyway, yeah, so, I'm bleeding.
ELENI
Haha. That's funny. Anyway, now I go on
to talk about sex and pregnancy, but I'm definitely
not hinting towards anything.
ALANNA
Yeah, this is so not a reference to the future.
Nudge, nudge; wink, wink.
MYLES'S ROOMS
MYLES
Hey, let's go check out my cool ruins!
ALANNA
Sounds like fun.
BARONY OLAU
ALANNA
Hey, look I found an ancient armory!
MYLES
There is a menacing storm on the horizon that totally has
nothing to do with where we are now. Let's go back.
ALANNA
I shall have to disobey you. Look, I found a sword!
MYLES
Fun. What are you going to call it?
ALANNA
Lighting. Since it was storming when I found it.
DUKE GARETH'S OFFICE
JONATHAN
Uncle, I want Alan to come with me and the rest of the squires
to the desert. For plot purposes, of course.
DUKE GARETH
Ok, that's cool. Did you know that we've all aged four years
since this book began?
PERSOPOLIS, in the DESERT
ALI MUKHTAB
Hello. I am important to later plots, I'm not just some
random Middle Eastern man.
ALANNA
Hey, cool, it's the Black City!
JONATHAN
Let's go!
ALANNA
But Roger told us not to!
JONATHAN
Screw him.
THE BLACK CITY
ALANNA
Wow, a city abandoned and made of black stone. This isn't
menacing, or anything.
JONATHAN
Nice rhyme. Hey, let's go into that glowing building!
THE TEMPLE
YSANDIR
Yo. We're going to kill you.
ALANNA
Oh, no you're not. Jonathan and I have mad skills!
JONATHAN
Yeah!
YSANDIR
Look, she's a girl!
ALANNA
Shit!
JONATHAN
Oh well, let's beat them up.
ALANNA and JONATHAN kill the YSANDIR rather easily.
AN OASIS
JONATHAN
Now that we are at this random oasis, I want to ask you something.
ALANNA
Huh?
JONATHAN
Will you be my squire?
ALANNA
Ok. I think Roger's evil, by the way.
JONATHAN
No, he's just menacing and creepy.
ALANNA
Oh, ok.
JONATHAN
Notice the sexual tension here!
ALANNA
Wow, you and George are such pervs! Wait, this is foreshadowing!
JONATHAN
There's a lot of that in this book!
THE END…Sort of
A/N: Hehehehehehehehehehe! I borrowed the concept from Evadne, whose "Breadbox Editions" of various movies are downright hilarious. LOL. Ok, well, I'm going to write In the Hand of the Goddess0--Reader's Digest Edition soon…I promise!