In the Hand of the Goddess--Reader's Digest Edition
A dark and creepy FOREST
ALANNA
Look, Moonlight! This storm has made me so
crazy, I'm talking to my horse!
Oh, let's go chill under that menacing tree!
Under the menacing TREE
ALANNA
Hmm...I'm sure the fact that I feel uneasy has
absolutely nothing to do with the plot!
Enter THE GODDESS
GODDESS
Hello, Alanna. I'm going to totally creep you out.
ALANNA
Uhm...whoa.
GODDESS
I know what you're afraid of! I shall now proceed to
totally embarrass you and list these fears out loud.
ALANNA
That's ok...I'll pass. By the way, what are you doing here?
GODDESS
Nothing, other than warning you about that asshole, Roger.
Here's this kick-ass ember thingy and a talking cat.
ALANNA
Uhm...thank you?
THE PALACE
JONATHAN
Fun! A cat!
RAOUL
Look, I actually have lines!
GARY
Shut up and be useful, you prat.
ALANNA
I'm going to name the cat Faithful, because it shall
become incredibly annoying and follow me everywhere.
RAOUL
Cool beans.
ALANNA
Hey, that's my line!
ROGER'S CLASSROOM
ROGER
I am totally inconspicuous.
ALANNA
Uhm, leave my cat alone, you animal molester.
ROGER
I now shall allude to the fact that I really hate you.
A BALLROOM
RAOUL
This tense situation with Tusaine gives me a chance to
stand in a corner and look intimidating. Sweet!
DAIN
I am a vain, arrogant imbecile.
KING ROALD
Let me display my diplomatic weakness.
ROGER
I am not secretly in cahoots with the Tusaine government.
ALEX
Yet another chance for me to skulk menacingly
in the background.
JONATHAN
Because my father is such a pansy, I guess Alan
will have to fight Dain and kick his ass for
insulting we Tortallans.
ALANNA
Despite the fact that I'm merely a squire, and he's
this full-blown knight, I definitely have to beat
him. Plot purposes, of course.
DAIN
What a cliché.
Some random FENCING GALLERY
DUKE GARETH
I am going to unsuccessfully attempt to stop
Alan from making a fool of himself.
ALANNA
How wonderful. I didn't know you cared.
ALEX
This is a wonderful opportunity for me to stand
menacingly in the background.
ROGER
You seem to use that word a lot. Let me join you.
DAIN
This is a joke.
ALANNA
Shove it.
ALANNA kicks DAIN'S ASS
ROGER'S ROOMS
ROGER
Finally I get to have my scene where I ponder
about my next evil move! Shibby!
Note the clever metaphore involving a chess set.
THE DANCING DOVE
GEORGE
Oh, do I get to be a character again?
ALANNA
Oh, stop whining.
GEORGE
Wow, I know more about you than you do!
Think that means anything? I'm now going
to proceed to flirt with you mercilessly.
ALANNA
Stop it. This scene makes me highly uncomfortable.
GEORGE
But that's my purpose, isn't it? Anyway, here's
a letter from your psychotic twin brother.
ALANNA
Wow. Uhm, ok...I forgot that I had a brother.
GEORGE
Well, that was nice of you.
ALANNA
Ok, ok. Fine...for plot purposes, walk me back to the palace.
THE CITY
GEORGE
Since it's Jon's birthday, and I have to
keep up this pretence that I like him, I
got him a present.
ALANNA
Well, that was nice of you. I think
you're jealous of him.
GEORGE
Yeah, sure. Anyway, since this scene is a foreshadow,
I'm going to kiss you now.
GEORGE kisses ALANNA
ALANNA
I'm going to now protest that bold move
and pretend that I didn't like it.
GEORGE
Threats of violence aren't very nice.
ALANNA
You're getting on my nerves. I'm going now.
FAITHFUL
Well, you little slut, that was wonderful.
ALANNA
Why am I talking to this cat? Anyway,
I'm not a slut...I just act like one at times.
A BALLROOM
GARY
Doesn't my facial hair make me look manly?
ALANNA
I think it makes you look like a prick.
GARY
Just for that, I'm dragging you over to this
new court whore.
GARY drags ALANNA across THE BALLROOM
JONATHAN
What a fun birthday party. Oh, it's Alan!
ALANNA
I hate you.
JONATHAN
This is Delia. I think you should dance with her.
DELIA
I am the pretty, yet shrewd female character. I will
prove to be highly dangerous later on.
ALANNA
Do I have to?
JONATHAN
Now.
ALANNA dances with DELIA
MYLES
You look pained.
ALANNA
If you had to dance with someone of the same sex,
you would too.
MYLES
I'll just pretend I didn't notice that huge hint.
ALANNA
Cool beans.
MYLES
I hate that saying.
THE ROYAL FOREST
ALANNA
I am out in the middle of the forest with a
talking cat for no apparent reason.
FAITHFUL
I resent that.
ALANNA
Oh, wow, a random boar! Do you think Roger
may have sent it?
FAITHFUL
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
ALANNA kills THE BOAR
ALANNA
And my suspicious grow...
A FENCING GALLERY
ALEX
Yes! Finally, after a book and a half of skulking
mysteriously in the background, I finally get the
chance to be one hundred percent evil!
ALANNA
Even this has to be better than listening to bad poetry
Jonathan wrote to Delia.
ALEX
I'm going to kill you.
ALANNA
Hit me with your best shot.
ALEX
Don't quote Pat Benatar.
ALEX almost kills ALANNA
MYLES
Well, Alex, that wasn't very nice.
ALEX
I'm going to act totally out of character
and pretend to be concerned.
ALANNA
Thanks, but no thanks, Alex. But my suspicions
have been confirmed. You are a psycho!
THE DANCING DOVE
ALANNA
Funny, only a few scenes have passed, but still
it's been almost a year since you kissed me.
GEORGE
Thank you for remembering.
ALANNA
You're quite welcome. You totally know I'm
madly in love with you.
GEORGE
You're lying. Anyway, I now get to act like the
James Bond-incarnate that I am and be this
badass spy.
ALANNA
Thank you. You just saved the country.
GEORGE
Don't mention it. By the way, did I tell you
that you look really hot?
ALANNA
Don't push your luck.
MYLES'S ROOMS
MYLES
Wow. This information is priceless. Did
you get it illegally?
ALANNA
Uhm...no...
MYLES
Well, that doesn't matter. Kick ass...we get to have a war!
A RANDOM HILL
JONATHAN
Fun! A war!
ALANNA
Shut up and pay attention.
DUKE GARETH'S HORSE goes spastic
GARY
Omigod, my father is dying!
JONATHAN
Because I'm a Type A-anal person, I'm going
to insist that you stay in line.
THE STABLES
STEFAN
I told you I'd be important.
ALANNA
Huh?
STEFAN
Someone put a burr in Duke Gareth's horse's saddle.
ALANNA
Oh, that's not suspicious.
STEFAN
Roger is now commanding. By the way, you
have a visitor in the library.
ALANNA
Oh, gods. This is getting so old.
THE LIBRARY
GEORGE
Hello.
ALANNA
Can you not take a hint?
GEORGE
Good day to you, too. Anyway...don't
you hate Roger?
ALANNA
Yes. Change the subject, please.
GEORGE
Fine. I'll change it to something that makes
you even more uncomfortable than you already are.
ALANNA
You are so low.
GEORGE
Oh, this is totally not foreshadowing, or anything.
ALANNA
Like I said...you're going to kiss me, aren't you?
GEORGE
Of course I am. I'm the only totally sweet male
character in this book.
GEORGE kisses ALANNA
ALANNA
Honestly...
GEORGE
Well, have fun in battle...I guess.
ALANNA
What a nice farewell.
By THE RIVER DRELL
ALANNA
How did we get here so fast?
FAITHFUL
Who cares?
ALANNA
Fun. Ok, I'm going to make myself more sympathetic
in the reader's eyes and go hang out with the common people.
READERS
You brown noser.
Where the COMMON PEOPLE hang out
THOR
Oh, I'm so benevolet. You all love me.
ALANNA
Uhm...ok.
JEM TANNER
Oh, I'm not totally suspicious.
ALANNA
Damn...it's like Ralon all over again!
Later...coming back from THE INFIRMARY
ALANNA
Oh, this doesn't look bad. Me, riding with
you on a horse.
JONATHAN
Well, you don't have to be so obvious.
I mean, I know I'm handsome and all...
ALANNA
Shove it. That's not what I meant.
Enter JEM TANNER
JEM TANNER
We Tortallans must be totally ok with homosexual
relationships because I'm totally not commenting
on this situation.
ALANNA
You prick.
JONATHAN
Uhm...go away, you measly peasant.
JEM TANNER
Snob.
Near THOR'S WATCH STATION
ALANNA
Oh my. Thor is not here. I wonder where he could be?
FAITHFUL
Imbecile. He's probably dead.
ALANNA
Omigod, there he is! But he's barely alive!
Too bad I should so be back at the vicious battle
taking place right now.
THOR
It...was...Jem.
ALANNA
No shit, Sherlock.
THOR
Shove it, Watson. Just make this easier for me.
ALANNA
Uhm, well, I though euthanasia was illegal, but ok.
ALANNA helps THOR die
ALANNA
I'm feeling sleepy...
ALANNA faints
ALANNA'S TENT
JONATHAN
You've been asleep three days.
ALANNA
Screw you. It's nearly impossible to sleep that long.
JONATHAN
Ok, I guess you were in a coma. I was worried.
ALANNA
Don't you dare...
JONATHAN kisses ALANNA
JONATHAN
Damn. You're sexy.
FAITHFUL
Myles is coming
Enter MYLES
MYLES
I will pretend to be oblivious to whatever is
going on in here. Hello, Alan.
ALANNA
Yo. What up?
MYLES
Uhm...ok...
By THE RIVER
ALANNA
I hate Roger.
FAITHFUL
That's not very nice.
ROGER
Hello.
ALANNA
Oh, hi. What are you doing here?
ROGER
Hanging around suspiciously. How is the watch going?
ALANNA
Not bad.
ROGER
Uhm, yeah, so, I'm now going to offer to make you my friend.
Of course I have no ulterior motives.
ALANNA
That's fine. I'll pass. But see ya later!
ROGER
Bitch.
Exit ROGER
Enter A HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS FOG
ALANNA
Oh, this has nothing to do with the fact that
he was just here.
FAITHFUL
Of course not.
A RANDOM MAN knocks ALANNA out
RANDOM MAN
Wow, that wasn't nice.
JEM TANNER
Shut up, fool. Get him in the boat.
A TUSAINE HUT
ALANNA
Wow, my head hurts.
MICAH
I have to importance whatsoever.
KEEL
Yeah. Me too. What are we doing here?
ALANNA
Kind of like those three random pages with me
learning how to fence. Uhm, why are we chained?
MICAH
Because, Sherlock, we're prisoners.
ALANNA
Well, I got that, but...
ALANNA picks THE LOCKS
ALANNA
Damn. Mine are unpickable!
KEEL
Didn't see that one coming or anything.
ALANNA
Shut up.
Enter TUSAINE PEOPLE
DUKE HILAM
I am the short, ugly little man responsible for this war.
I'm going to insult you.
ALANNA
It take two to tango. I'll insult you right back!
JEM TANNER
I'm actually the Tusaine king's brother.
ALANNA
Well, duh.
TUSAINE CAPTAIN
This isn't nice.
DUKE HILAM
Shut up. Now, I'm not acting through Roger or anything
trying to kill you.
ALANNA
Of course not. Who would expect that?
Enter TORTALLANS
JONATHAN
Look, we've come to rescue you!
ALANNA
Took you long enough, didn't it?
DUKE HILAM
Damn you!
GARY
We've won the war! Cool beans!
ALANNA
For the last time, that's my line!
ELENI'S HOUSE
ALANNA
Don't you love it how it's suddenly winter?
ELENI
Yeah, time seems to go fast in these books. Weren't
you like, twelve when you were last here?
ALANNA
Yeah. Well, wait...yeah, I think I was.
ELENI
Yeah, so, why are you here?
ALANNA
Well, since I'm now a teenage girl, and I've
been living like a guy for six years, I'm going to
ask you how to be a girl.
ELENI
Wow. Your motives in this are so unclear.
ALANNA
Hey, come on. That was harsh.
A few days later, at ELENI'S HOUSE
ALANNA
Fun. I'm wearing a dress! Hey, I look pretty!
ELENI
Yeah, you do, but I'm not going to admit it.
ALANNA
Huh?
ELENI
Oh, you're an idiot.
ALANNA
Hey, come on! You don't need to be so mean to me!
ELENI
This is foreshadowing.
ALANNA
Oh, that's right. I forgot completely.
Enter JONATHAN AND GEORGE
GEORGE
Well, hello, Mother.
ALANNA
Are you that dense?
GEORGE
Uhm...why are you wearing a dress?
JONATHAN
Since I'm acting like a pervert, I'm going to leer at you.
ALANNA
Stop it. You're acting like such a smut.
GEORGE
See...at least I'm acting like a gentleman.
ALANNA
Yes, thank you very much.
JONATHAN
You look really sexy.
ALANNA
Shut up, you perv!
THE ROYAL FOREST
ALANNA
How did we get from Eleni's house to here?
JONATHAN
We're hunting that wolf, remember?
ALANNA
Oh yeah, I forgot. And aren't you sleeping with Delia?
RAOUL
I have a line!
GARY
Everyone is sleeping with Delia.
ALANNA
I'm going to ride by myself now. Omigod, it's the wolf!
ROGER
That's ok, I'll kill it!
Enter DEMON GREY
ALANNA
No, that's the wolf! Shit!
ALANNA kills DEMON GREY
ALANNA
Wow, when I hold that ember the Goddess gave me,
Demon Grey glows orange. Weird.
ROGER
This definitely has nothing to do with me.
ALANNA
Isn't Roger's magic orange? Oh well, I'll ponder it later.
THE GARDENS
ALANNA
Omigod, it's all the sudden my birthday. Wasn't it winter
just a second ago? Oh well...I'm going to walk around in
the garden wearing a dress because I feel like it.
JONATHAN
Hey. Looking good, hot stuff.
ALANNA
Perv.
JONATHAN
I'm now going to proceed to try and have sex with you.
ALANNA
Eww! Get away!
JONATHAN
Prude. Fine, go away before I decide to rape you.
ALANNA'S ROOMS
ALANNA
Hmmm...Jonathan is kind of sexy. Maybe I
should sleep with him.
FAITHUL
Why are you asking me? I'm a cat.
ALANNA
I was talking to myself. Anyway, I think I shall.
For plot purposes, of course.
ALANNA knocks on JONATHAN'S DOOR
JONATHAN
Damn, I knew you'd change your mind!
ALANNA
You are a sexy bitch, Jon. I think I shall have to sleep
with you.
ROGER'S ROOMS
DELIA
See, I really am evil!
ROGER
You're just a slut. But you obviously couldn't
hold onto Jonathan.
DELIA
Stupid manwhore. He's probably fucking Cythera
or something.
ROGER
Get him back, you harlot, or I shall be angry.
DELIA
You're always angry.
MYLES'S ROOMS
MYLES
Well, Alan...you're acting funny.
ALANNA
It's winter. Only two scenes ago it was spring. And now it's
December again.
MYLES
Oh. Ok.
ALANNA
I'm now going to proceed to accuse Roger of high treason.
MYLES
And I'm going to stay out of it. I like my head
where it is, thank you very much.
A POND
ALEX
I'm daring Alan to ice skate on an unstable pond.
That's not highly suspicious or anything.
ALANNA
And I'm going to act like a total idiot and take the dare.
ALANNA falls through THE ICE
JONATHAN
Omigod, I'm going to almost give Alanna away!
ALEX
And I shall act politely concerned.
RAOUL
I'm actually in a scene!
GARY
Shut up, Raoul!
ALANNA
Wow, I'm almost died. I wonder if Alex had
anything to do with it.
FAITHFUL
Gee, ya think? Hey, yummy, there's salt on this ice!
THE DANCING DOVE
GEORGE
I'm not letting you go visit your brother alone.
It's too dangerous.
ALANNA
Oh, you're worried about me. That's so sweet!
GEORGE
Of course I'm worried about you. I'm in love with you!
ALANNA
Well, I can't go now...Jonathan needs me.
GEORGE
Eww...you're sleeping with him?!?!
ALANNA
Oh, shut up.
GEORGE
I didn't think you had that bad of taste, but
I guess I was wrong.
ALANNA
You're just saying that because you're
in love with me and you're jealous of Jonathan.
THE CITY GATES
ALANNA
Damn you! I was going to sneak out!
GEORGE
You can't fool me. Haven't you gotten that? I'm like
Jack Ryan, James Bond, and Dirk Pitt...all rolled into one.
ALANNA
Wow, what a man. Maybe I should rethink this Jonathan
situation.
GEORGE
Now there's an intelligent though.
THE CITY OF THE GODS
SI-CHAM
Notice my Asian-inspired name. For diversity's sake, of course.
GEORGE
How politically correct.
ALANNA
Yeah, so, can I see my brother now?
THOM'S ROOMS
THOM
Well, well, well. If it isn't my baby sister.
ALANNA
Twin sister, actually.
THOM
Same difference. You must be George.
GEORGE
Absolutely. Notice the tension between us already.
By the way, "same difference" is an oxymoron.
THOM
Oh, this isn't foreshadowing or anything. And I know
what an oxymoron is.
ALANNA
Stop with the foreshadowing! You look different.
THOM
Did I mention I'm this crazy, megalomaniac sorcerer now?
GEORGE
Yeah, I definitely don't like you.
ALANNA
Stop it, you two! Honestly.
ON THE ROAD TO CORUS
GEORGE
Well, that was a short visit. Your brother is a psycho.
ALANNA
Yeah, you've said that several times.
GEORGE
Well, it's true. Omigod, are those men
hiding in the bushes waiting to attack us?
ALANNA
In a book like this, that would totally make sense!
ONE OF THE MEN shoots GEORGE with an arrow
GEORGE
It's cool…I'll live.
ALANNA
Oh, shut up. I'm getting you to a healer.
AN INN
ALANNA
Thank the gods you didn't die.
GEORGE
I didn't know you cared.
ALANNA
Of course I care. I'm madly in love with you, but I don't
know it, remember?
GEORGE
Oh yeah, I always forget that.
THE FOREST
GARY
So, why did you ask me to go riding?
ALANNA
Well, I need you to do that thingy for my Ordeal.
Oh, yeah, and I'm a girl.
GARY
Oh, shit, that's cool. I wonder why I never figured it out.
THE PALACE
JONATHAN
Wow. We just skipped about six months.
ALANNA
That's ok. We've been doing that all along.
GARY
Why couldn't we see you naked?
ALANNA
You are such a pervert. Why didn't I just ask Raoul?
THE CHAMBER OF THE ORDEAL
ALANNA'S SUBCONSCIOUS
Well, this is funky.
THE CHAMBER
Don't call me funky, squire. I'm about to show
you what you fear.
ALANNA'S SUBCONSCIOUS
Uhm, well, the Goddess already did that, but
what the hell?
THE CHAMBER shows ALANNA her fears
THE CHAPEL OF THE ORDEAL
ALANNA
I passed! I'm a knight!
READERS
Like you wouldn't?
JONATHAN
Shut up, you impertinent readers.
ROGER'S ROOMS
ALANNA
I'm going to use my mad skills courtesy of George to
break into Roger's rooms.
FAITHFUL
You are so weird.
ALANNA
Hey, look, it's an image of the queen under a fountain!
That's not suspicious, or anything. Omigod, he's
trying to kill the queen! That's treason!
FAITHFUL
No shit, Sherlock.
ALANNA
That Sherlock thing is getting old. So old
I'm not even going to be pert and say "Shove it, Watson."
THE BANQUET HALL
ALANNA
Yo, King Roald. Your nephew is trying to kill you.
ROGER
That's a lie if I've ever heard one.
ALANNA
Then obviously you haven't. Look what I found
in your rooms!
ROGER
That's not mine! I demand retribution for my lost reputation!
KING ROALD
Huh?
ROGER
A trial by combat, you dimwit!
KING ROALD
Oh, cool. Fun stuff, huh?
ALANNA
Wow, he's even more of an idiot than I thought.
ALANNA'S ROOMS
THOM
Look! I miraculously appeared!
GEORGE
That's my job, knockoff.
JONATHAN
Oh, no…not you two.
ALANNA
Everyone, shut up.
MYLES
What did I do?
ALANNA
Oh, Myles, I'm a girl.
MYLES
Really? How nice.
JONATHAN
I love you, Alanna.
ALANNA
That's nice, but I have to go kill your cousin now.
THE FENCING GALLERY
KING ROALD
Uhm, I guess you can begin the fight.
ROGER
Honestly, that man's idiotic.
ALANNA
I'm going to kill you.
ALANNA AND ROGER duel
ROGER rips through ALANNA'S BINDING
KING ROALD
Omigod, you're a girl!
ALANNA
How come everyone keeps saying that? I thought we were pagan?
ROGER
We are. It just sounds good.
KING ROALD
You have defied me.
ALANNA
So? Your point?
ROGER
Oh, who gives? Can we just continue with the fight please?
ALANNA
Why the hell not?
ALANNA AND ROGER continue to fight
ALANNA kills ROGER
ALANNA
Wow. He's like, dead.
JONATHAN
Uhm…wow, we're all scared of you now.
THE CITY GATES
JONATHAN
Change your mind, Alanna.
ALANNA
No, I'm leaving. I hate cold weather.
CORAM
Wow, I'm back! I have lines!
RAOUL
Me too!
GARY
Uhm, yeah, we should definitely say goodbye so that
Alanna and Jon can make out.
GEORGE
Could you be a little more blunt, Gary?
RAOUL
Well, it's true!
RAOUL, GEORGE, GARY, AND CORAM leave
JONATHAN
Uhm, I love you.
ALANNA
Yeah, I guess I love you too.
ALANNA AND JON make out
JONATHAN
Come back soon.
ALANNA
Uhm, ok? I guess…goodbye.
JONATHAN
Until the next book, then!
A/N: Hehehehehe…I was amused, anyway.