What  I  Can't  Forgive

Severus Snape's true thoughts

As told by : Faber Wolffe

Dedicated to "Kit-Kat", the one person I know who could use the both the words "Huggle" and "Snapiepoo" in the same sentence without being smited.

And as always, no credit for characters, no copyright (::yawn::) no infringement intended, yadda, yadda.

Summary:  A combination as to Snape's motives and thoughts based on several rampant rumors on various web sites.

A/N: Actually wrote this one a long time ago.  Its pretty aghasty, but this is one of the few that I still like of my old works.

            I don't know why I bother to write this.  Perhaps so the demons will die on paper, drown in ink.

            But most of all I want you to know why, why I hated Black, why I couldn't stand Potter.

            Black, brother Black, you were in the same league as my so-called friends, Malfoy, Avery, MacNaire.  None of you understood what death meant.  You all thought it was a joke, that everything would be magically fixed in the end and then you would have a good laugh, not even Malfoy realized that even the "filthy Mudbloods" didn't deserve death.  He didn't understand what that meant.  I did, and I knew he was blind.  I also knew Mudbloods didn't deserve death.

            After all, I had fallen in love with one.

            But, no, Lily was never mine to have.

            I could never forgive that.

            Strike one for Potter.

            And, brother Black, didn't your mother ever wonder why your father came home late from work one night?  Didn't she wonder why a few Galleons went missing every month?  No, no, you never wondered, you never realized, half-brother Black.

            I admit, I was jealous of you, Black.  You had a father, and you had a mother who had time for you, one who hadn't fallen head first into the Dark Arts.  And you wonder why I knew so may curses.  She taught me, she taught but never loved.

            Home was like Hell.

            School was like Hell.

            I didn't have real friends; Lily never knew; and you two, Potter and Black.  You never helped.  Perfect Potter with the girl and the Quidditch Cup.  Black with the perfect life and friends, both trying to make my life worse.  I suppose I provoked you, but did you ever ask why?  No, never.

            Strike two.

            Then, Black, you told me about the willow tree.  Of course, I knew of Lupin's "condition" if you will.  But I didn't know how to follow him.

            Black, you gave me a way out, out of the Hell of my life, and perhaps into another.  But even that would have been better.

            I regret those thoughts now, but then that is simply how it was.

            I want into that tunnel under the willow tree, never planning on coming out.  I had an inkling of what I was to become.  How could I not with my "friends" and family trying to drag me down with them?  I wanted to end it.

            I wonder if it was better that I lived.  So many died later at my hands.

            I ate death.

            That night though, Potter pulled me back.

            I went back to Slytherin Common Room, and for the first time agreed with my friends.  The others deserved death, the death I could not have.

            Didn't you understand, Potter?  I wasn't mad at you for being in your debt, or even for your Quidditch talent.  I hated you because you let me live.

            That is what I can't forgive.