The Daddy Quest
By Allie
Rated PG13
Disclaimer: Sadly, none of the characters are mine. But if you see a spare tall, dark and handsome naval aviator lurking - send him my way?
Authors notes: This is set near the beginning of season 8. I'm basing it on spoilers I've seen on the fan forum JAG board, since I haven't seen season 7, let alone season 8. Please feel free to point out any un-americanisms, or errors in rank etc. (eg is Tiner even still there in season 8??)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1300 Zulu (0800 Virginia Eastern Standard time )
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
"Singer's what?" Petty Officer Jason Tiner winced as Admiral AJ Chedwiggen made his disbelief known.
"Pregnant, sir."
"I heard you the first time. What I want to know is how!"
"Uh..." Tiner wasn't quite sure if that was a rhetorical question, or if it was an order he was duty bound to follow. Thankfully, salvation arrived in the forms of Commander Harmon Rabb and Colonel Sarah Mackenzie.
"I don't think the law library runs to books on sex education, Sir. But I'm sure we could get one of the doctor's at Bethesda to explain the process, if the admiral wishes?" Harm winced as Mac's elbow connected with a particularly sore spot on his ribs. How come she always got him in the same place, and did she really have to have such pointy elbows?
"They'll be explaining how your head came to be severed from the rest of you, if you don't watch it, Commander." AJ crossed his arms across his chest. "What do you know about Lt Singer being pregnant?"
Tiner and Harm exchanged a glance. "It wasn't me, Sir!" they responded in unison.
AJ grunted. "I want a full Jagman investigation of this. List of suspects. Times, dates, everything you can find out."
"Is Lt Singer going to be prosecuted?" Tiner looked a little worried.
"That will depend on what we find out. Dismissed, Tiner"
Tiner came to attention. "Aye aye, Sir!"
"Now, you two," AJ frowned at Harm and Mac. "I want information, and I want it yesterday. The SECNAV will be all over me as soon as he finds out about this. Just what I need - one of my own up for charges of fraternization. I'm going to prosecute her, and see her swinging from the yard arm, if I find she's put JAG in a bad light."
"We'll be right on it, Sir." agreed Mac.
"Dismissed."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"My bet is on Sergei," said Mac, as they walked towards their offices.
"Mac, that's my brother you're talking about."
"Does that make him undersexed?"
"Well, only in the company of a cold fish."
Mac rolled her eyes. "Come on Harm. You have to admit they looked pretty cosy there for awhile."
"They did not!"
"Did too! You just don't want to be an Uncle to Singer's baby."
Harm turned an interesting shade of green. "We better get onto this right away. Surely there's someone else who could be the father."
Mac sat at her desk, pen in hand while Harm paced nervously.
"What sort of time frame are we looking at here?"
"Well," said Mac thoughtfully. "Skates said Lauren was 'sea sick' as soon as she boarded. It takes awhile for hormones to take a hold and cause morning sickness. So that means she had to have conceived before she went on board."
"So we're looking at all the men Singer came into contact with ... what - six to eight weeks ago?"
"Sounds about right."
Mac started scribbling furiously, and Harm leaned closer to see what she was writing. "Bud?" he said incredulously. "You've got to be kidding. I think we can take him off the list."
"Well you said it - we have to list all the men Lauren came into contact with. Only then can we determine who to cross off."
"Pregnancy isn't a disease, Mac. You can't catch it just by coming into contact..." Harm blanched as he read the next name Mac scrawled on her yellow legal pad.
"Me?"
"Did you, or did you not, see Lauren Singer prior to her deployment?"
"Well, yes. But we only..."
"Save it, squid. We'll get to the mass denials soon enough. Now how about you give me a little input here?"
Harm sighed, sat down, and leaned back with his feet on Mac's desk. "Webb?"
"I thought he was in Afghanistan?"
"Came back 2 months ago for some meeting or other. Maybe Singer seduced him while he was here?"
"Tacky, Rabb. Tacky."
"Just theorising. We need more than a name, Mac. We need a motive."
"That's not a motive, that's speculation."
"What motive does a man need to get a beautiful woman in the sack?"
Mac looked up in horror. "You think Lt Singer is beautiful?"
//Damn// thought Harm wildly. //Open mouth, insert foot.// "Well, you have to admit she cleaned up fairly well at the engagement party."
Mac's mouth could not have dropped open any wider. "You noticed her at our engagement party?"
Harms eyes opened wide to match Mac's mouth, and he laughed a little nervously. "Our engagement party? Come on, I think you're confusing me with a pesky Australian."
Mac blushed and looked hurriedly at the list once more. "How about Sturgis?"
0230 ZULU (2130 Virginia Eastern Standard time )
McMurphy's Bar
Falls Church, Virginia
Several days later...
The male contingent of JAG sat around a table, morosely nursing beers.
"The Colonel isn't going to let this go, is she, Sir?" Tiner took a large gulp of his beer.
Harm shook his head. His partner was the epitome of what a marine should be - tenacious to the last.
"It was only the one time! What will Harriet say if it gets out? She's liable to chop my other leg off!" exclaimed Bud, nervously sloshing beer over the table as he attempted to refill his glass.
"She's liable to chop 'something else' off, instead." Webb took a seat, gesturing to the waitress for a pitcher. The other men at the table winced.
"You too?" said Harm, clearing a space on the table for Webb's beer.
"Yup." Webb tipped his head back and skulled the full glass. "I was drunk. What's your excuse?"
"Drunk. Eight weeks ago." sighed Tiner.
"Drunk. About 10 weeks ago." Bud's hands shook a little as he once more filled his glass.
"Drunk. Six weeks ago," said Sturgis, who'd hardly said a word all evening.
"Fore-planning" sighed Harm.
Stunned silence hit the table, and Harm glanced up to see the other men gaping at him.
"You planned to get Lt. Singer pregnant?" gasped Tiner.
"No!"
Webb narrowed his eyes. "Just what do you mean by 'fore-planning' then?"
"Well, uh -" Harm dopped his head into his hands. "This is embarrassing."
"More embarrassing sleeping with Singer?"
"Well actually, we didn't sleep together."
Sturgis groaned. "I think I've had too much to drink. You're making even less sense than usual."
Harm looked around the table at his co-workers. "This doesn't go any further, right? It's like this." Harms eyes flicked back to Budd. "Mac and I made an agreement a few years ago. When I went back to flying, I decided to, uh, make a deposit at an AI bank in case I wasn't able to follow through with it for some reason."
"What's a bank account got to do with this?" Tiner looked confused. "Oh, is Lt. Singer bribing you about a secret bank account you have?"
"It's an AI bank. 'Artificial Insemination', also known as a sperm bank." Bud looked at Harm in surprise. "But Sir, what were you needing to use a sperm bank for? And what has this to do with the Colonel?"
Webb began to choke on his beer. "You," *gasp* "and Mac," *cough* "were going to have a baby together?" he managed to get out.
Harm nodded in chagrin. "If neither of us was in a relationship."
Harm groaned once more. "I don't know what I'm going to do. Those swimmers weren't supposed to be used - only if there was no other way."
"How did Singer get them?" Sturgis still wore a look of disbelief. "And how did you find out?"
"Got a letter two days ago from the bank suggesting I make another deposit in case this insemination didn't 'take'. So I rang and asked when the insemination had taken place, and who authorised it."
"I take it that it wasn't Colonel Mackenzie?" Bud looked faintly sympathetic. He had watched the longing looks pass between the two partners for at least 5 years now. It was the office version of 'Days of Our Lives.'
"She doesn't even know I did it. No, the receptionist confirmed that my 'wife' Lt. Singer had undergone the insemination process 7 weeks ago, but they had not heard back as to whether it had been successful. And would I please get her to call for an appointment for a pregnancy test."
"Looks like we have our Daddy." Webb held up his glass in a toast.
"Hey, you all slept with her, too!"
"Yeah, but don't they do that insemination stuff right when the woman is most likely to conceive?"
Harm glowered at Webb, trying to remember if he actually liked the guy or not. "I say we tell Mac that it was Webb. Then it stops being the Navy's problem, and they can deal with it at CIA headquarters. They'll be thrilled to have another upcoming spook to train."
Agent and Lawyer glared at one another, before Sturgis spoke up. "I say we just keep doing what we've been doing. None of us know anything. None of us did anything. And most specifically, none of us fathered that baby!"
"Here, here." As one, they raised their glasses. A mute umbrella of hope covered the table as they prayed the blood hound of the office, one Colonel Mackenzie, would not find out their guilty secrets.
The end.