"Magical Medicinal Plants and Where to Find Them?"

"Read it already. Add it to the pile."

Thomas threw the book onto a pile that was already up to his waist. "What about 100 Ways to Master Mandrakes?"

"We need a cure for freezing, not for paralysis," Lydia told him, not looking up from the book she leaned over. "Throw it out."

Thomas tossed the book onto the pile and watched stone-faced as it collapsed under its own weight, scattering books across the floor. Pince shot him a nasty look as she passed, frowning darkly at the mess and the noise. Thomas made a face at her back and bent to collect the fallen tomes. He and Lydia had been in the library for the better part of an entire Saturday, pouring over dusty volumes in desperate search of something-- anything-- that could alter Severus' deadly condition. Lydia had not stopped once since morning, despite Thomas' attempts to coax and wheedle her into taking a break to rest and eat. In the end, he had been forced to bring her food and watch as she pushed herself tirelessly through the monstrous collection of the library.

He checked his watch, then glanced out the window and sighed. Time to try again.

"Lydia," he said firmly. He'd tried coaxing, begging, bribing, and even threatening over the course of the day, but so far, nothing had worked. Now, he'd try for reason and sense. "Lydia, you've been here for almost fourteen hours already. You've barely touched the food I brought you, and you're about to fall face first into that book. It's not going to make a difference if you take a few hours and go sleep. It might even help; look at you! You're practically useless in this state." Nothing. "Lydia, go to sleep. I'll keep looking while you're gone. Please, Lydia, go. I'll wake you if we find anything or if anything changes."

"I can't." Lydia pushed the strands of her hair out of her eyes with impatience. "You don't understand." She held up her hand as Thomas started to reply. "No, Thomas, don't. Please, don't even try." She looked up and for the first time that day, Thomas got a good look at her face. Her skin was dulled by an unnatural pallor, made all the more pale by the lank, dark hair where it came loose from its braid. Her eyes were red and shone with trapped tears, heavy with grief and something Thomas could not name.

"I love him, Thomas," she said in a hoarse whisper. "I've got to find a way of bringing him back. I love him and I need him. Don't you understand? He's like this because of me, dammit, I was the one who drove him to this! I can't let him-- he can't-- oh, Thomas!" Without warning, she slammed the book shut and threw herself into Thomas' startled arms. "I don't know what I'll do if he dies," she sobbed. "I can't let him. He can't die, Thomas, he can't! I can't bear to lose him, dammit, I love him. He's part of me!"

The rest of her words went unspoken as she dissolved into tears/ Thomas held her and soother her as best he could. His arms had begun to tingle with lost feeling from their awkward position before Lydia got her tears under control.

"You need to sleep," Thomas murmured into her ear as he brushed some of her hair away from where it clung to the salty trails on her cheek. She sat up and sniffed, nodding ever so slightly. Thomas took a handkerchief from her pocket and handed it to her. "Come on, I'll walk you back to the Tower." He stood and gave her a smile which she returned rather shakily.

"It'll be okay, Lyd," he told her. "It'll be okay."

* * *

"You know, I never did tell you that I loved you."

"I know."

"I do, though. Very much so. You knew that, right? I've always loved you."

"I know."

Snape smiled and took her hand in his, entwining his long, slender fingers with hers. He brought her hand up and pressed it to his cold lips.

"S-Sev?"

"Yes?"

"I don't hate you." She traced the black lines on his arm. "I know it's not your fault."

"Isn't it?"

She paused. "I read your journal."

"I know."

"Of course you do. You gave it to me. You wanted me to see."

"Yes."

"Sev?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry. I love you."

He gave no answer, simply pulled her close and tightened his arms around her.

"Severus?"

"Full name, now? Must be important."

"Sev, do you think you'll ever be able to love me without thinking of my mother?"

Silence.

"Sev?"

"I--"

"Sev?"

"I'm sorry." He looked down at her, his black eyes heavy and deep. "I-- yes."

"Yes?"
"Yes." He closed his eyes. "I will. I do." His eyes opened again. "I'm out of touch. You see, when I first realized I loved you, it took me by surprise. The only other woman I ever loved was your mother. I-- I thought that because I felt the same for you, it was because you reminded me so much of her. Now I realize that isn't true. I love you because you are you, Lydia. Not because of whose child you are."

"Oh. You wrote in your journal-- and then you were always so...distant."

Snape sighed and held her even closer. "I'm not used to this. It's been a long time since I've loved anyone. Not since your mother and I were young. I-- I suppose I want to say that I'm sorry if I haven't always been there for you, if I haven't been as caring, as close as you wanted. It's been so long, I'm afraid I've almost forgotten how. I know I haven't been the best of...partners. But, I want to be. And I want to be there for you. I just want you to know that."

"I--I know. At least, I do now." Lydia wrapped her hand around his. "So does this mean you're always going to be here with me?"

Snape's eyes grew sad. "Lydia, dearheart. You know I would give the world to be with you. But-- I can't. You know I can't."

Lydia felt her heart plummet. "So you're still--?"

Severus nodded. "I only have a few moments. I just wanted to tell you that I loved you. That everything would be alright."

"But how can it be? You're still...dead. Dying. Frozen. Whatever it is you are."

"Yes." Severus nodded sadly. "I am. I just wanted to see you again. And now..." His voice trailed off as he gently brushed her cheek with his fingertips. "And now it's goodbye again, dearheart." His smile was tinged with sorrow as he closed his eyes.

"No!" Lydia reached up, tightened her grip on his hand. "No! Sev, don't go! Please! I need you here with me. I love you, Sev. Please!" Tears sprang into her eyes as she felt him fading away beneath her fingers. "No, please! Whoever's out there, whoever's listening, please don't make him go! Let him stay here with me, please! I don't want him to go, I don't want him to leave me again!" Her voice broke as he disappeared from view. "NO! Sev! Ple-ease!"

Even as his body faded from her arms, a whisper of Snape's voice reached down to brush her ear.

"It is only a dream, dearheart. Only a dream. But more than you might think. Save your tears, Lydia. Tears won't help at all. Not your tears. Not yours..."

And then he was gone.

* * *

"Sev?"

"Hm?" Something in her voice made Snape look up sharply from his book. "Julia? What's wrong? What is it?"

"Sev, I'm so sorry. I would have told you earlier, but I didn't know." Julia's lower lip trembled slightly as she sniffed back her tears. "Please, I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Snape looked at her in confusion. "I don't understand. What's going on?"

"Sev, please don't be angry, it's not what you think. I--" She broke off and turned her eyes away, as if the sight of him pained her. Only then did Snape notice the trunk at her feet.

"You're leaving." It was not a question but a statement. "When?"

"Tonight. Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry!" She made an abortative movement in his direction, as if though she thought better of embracing him.

"For how long?"

She shook her head. "I don't know, Severus. Forever. I don't know. Father sent me the owl this afternoon, I just got it an hour ago or I would have told you. Believe me, Severus, I would have told you if I had known!"

"Where?" He was taking this too calmly, too well. There was no emotion in his voice.

"France." She watched him, looking for some explanation of his odd behavior.

"France." His voice was hollow, empty. "You've always wanted to go to France." The words were not his. They came from somewhere else, somewhere far away. "I hope--" he paused, cleared his throat. "I hope it's everything you wanted it to be."

"Oh, Sev." Julia reached for his hand, but he pulled back, stung by her touch. "Please don't do this, Sev."

"You'd best say your goodbyes. I'm sure there are many who are going to miss you."

"I don't have time, Sev. Do you understand? You're the only one who knows. You're the only one I had time to tell. You know if I had any say in the matter I wouldn't go! I want to stay here with you, I want to always be with you. Please try and understand."

"I-- I know." He finally allowed her to take his hand and held her. The pain and shock was too much. He had to keep it at bay, keep it from devouring him completely. His breathing was ragged, shallow. He was losing her. He had loved again, and now he was losing her.

"Remember me?" she asked, her voice small. "Don't ever forget about me, Severus. Please don't ever forget."

"I won't," he promised even as his heart twisted. The pain was so intense it was almost physical. "I won't."

"Julia?"

At the sound of a third voice, Snape let her go abruptly. He stared in shock at the young man standing in the doorway.

"Julia, are you ready? We're going to miss the train."

"Yes." Julia wiped the tears from her eyes and sniffed. "Just, one minute, Hal. Just one more minute." She turned back to Severus. "I--"

"No." Snape stepped back, never taking his eyes off Hal Curtiss. "No, you'd best go." His black eyes snapped as the pain in his heart grew tenfold. "I wouldn't want you to miss your train."

"Please, Sev." Her eyes were wounded, like a stag caught in a hunter's trap. "It's what my parents wanted. There's nothing I can do about it. Please--"

"Just go." His words were cold, there was nothing in them. Nothing at all. "Just go."

"Sev..."

"Julia, we're going to be late! I've got your trunk, we've got to hurry! Your parents will have a fit if we don't make it."

"Goodbye, Severus." Her words were a plea, her eyes begged him. He said nothing, did nothing as Hal took her by the arm and led her out. She stopped at the door and turned, her eyes cutting into him one final time in a desperate plea for understanding, but he turned his back. He stood like that until he heard the door shut behind him, the footsteps fade down the hall. Only then did he allow himself to cry.

Several months later, he wrote her a letter. In it, he apologized, both for his behaviors and his coldness. He told her he loved her, that he didn't blame her. That he knew it wasn't her fault. The day he tied the letter to his owl's leg was a cold and windy one, with the promise of snow and ice. He watched his breath condense as he let the owl loose from the top floor of the castle and stayed there until the bird was no more than a speck in the sky.

She never wrote him back.

He was never the same after that. While he had been a cold, uncaring bastard before her departure, he became a downright prick. Ruthless in his treatment of others as he was in his studies, he quickly became known as the most disliked student in the history of the school. Others went out of their way to avoid him, and both student and teacher were hard pressed to recall the last time he had spoken a single decent word. No one understood what Julia's departure had cost him. No one knew just how much it had changed who he was. It had torn him up worse than a dragon's claw, ripped out what had made him human. No one understood how much he, the boy who had never let anything touch him, hurt now that he had tasted love.

Somewhere in the Hospital Wing, Severus' cold, half-frozen body shifted and sighed.