Out Of Nowhere
Part 2 of 2
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: All things 'Once and Again' belong to the creators of the show. I think.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Archive: www.realmoftheshadow.com/megan.htm and www.jessiekatie.com
Summary: Karen is dead, and Jessie's hurting. Sequel to 'Watching Little Birds Fly'.
Author's Notes: A short attempt to describe Jessie's feelings, in the aftermath of her mother's death. Emphasis on short. I won't dwell on this too long. Timeline is... after 'Gardenia'. Though, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. This world is quite different from the real 'OandA' world.
***
Mom's house is so empty now. Even with all these people inside it, it's empty. No one lives here anymore. No one wakes up in the morning, walks down the stairs to make breakfast. Fetches the morning paper. Do they still deliver that? Is there gona be like a huge pile of them here next week? I should tell dad to cancel it.
There should be so many memories here. They should be flooding all over me. Filling me with warmth and comfort. But no. I can only remember one. The one from the last morning. In the kitchen. When I realized, just how much she loved me. No, I've always known that she loves... loved me infinitely. It had just slipped my mind, and I was reminded of it that morning. Everything was so exciting. Life seemed so full of hope. I could see all these possibilities. I could see myself happily together with Katie. And with mom smiling at us. I could see everything working out.
And then she has to go and die. Unfair. Now everything seems just so... hard. Hopeless. It isn't right, that children should outlive their parents. Who's gona take care of us, when they're gone? I want my mother back. I want another day with her. I'd spend it only with her. The whole day. It was an eternity ago, when I last devoted any time to her. She deserved so much better. She deserved children, who actually cared enough to be with her.
"Jessie?" Grace calls out my name. She comes into the kitchen to invade my privacy. The lousy bitch. I lift my head enough to give her an empty stare, "Don't you... do you wanna get something to eat?" she goes on, and nudges her head towards the living room. I wonder, who sent her? Lily, probably. It's always Lily, when it's about food. No wonder, Grace is so fat... Right. Way to think like an anorexic freak, Jessie.
"Got a tray of sandwiches, right here," I mutter, and nod down at the table in front of me.
Grace glances at the tray, and then smiles stupidly, "Right," she says, and starts to fidget on her feet. I keep staring at her, making her more nervous by the second. She just doesn't know what to say or do around me, "Hey, can I have one?" she suddenly blurts, and takes a seat across the table from me. It's mom's seat. She always sat there.
I squint my eyes, when Grace picks up one of the sandwiches. She smiles at me, and takes a bite out of it. How rude. I didn't say, she could have one.
I let my gaze wander beyond my stepsister, and through the living room doorway. I can only see a small corner of the room from this angle. Mom's younger sister, Carol, sits there, vacantly observing the rest of the room. Mom's sisters. We haven't seen them much in the last few years. But they should know another side of her. A different Karen. The child she once was. I'd so much like to meet her. I want to know, what she liked doing as a child. What she dreamed about. If she was happy, or sad. If she was anything like me. But one funeral isn't enough time to get to know her. And then the sisters will be gone, and they'll take her with them.
"Where are you going?" Grace mumbles, her mouth full of food, when I start to stand up.
I look down at her, "To the living room," I say frowning.
"Wait up," she says, cramming the rest of the sandwich into her mouth.
I wince in disgust. How can someone eat like that? I'd choke, "Sure you don't want another one of those?" I say, pointing at the tray.
Grace looks at me confusedly for a second, and then shakes her head. I leave her to struggle down the sandwich, and head for the living room. It's packed with people, and I freeze in the doorway. I look for familiar faces, and the only ones I find are Eli's and Katie's. Eli is talking to one of our cousins, and Katie has managed to stuff herself into a tiny space between the piano and a bookshelf. She seems to be very interested in something on the shelf, but her body is blocking the view, so I can't tell what it is.
Dad's here too. And a lot of other people, I used to find familiar. But not anymore. They're strangers, who don't belong here. I turn slightly, and take a better look at my aunt Carol. There's an empty chair next to her, and I make towards it, "Carol. Hey," I say and come to stand in front of her.
Her head is slow to catch on, but eventually she meets my gaze, "Jessie," she says with a small smile.
I smile back, and sit down, "It was really nice that you came," I say for lack of a better opener.
"Of course I came," she says, sounding a little confused, "She was my sister."
I glance at her briefly, and then look down on my lap, "Yeah... of course... I just..." the words start to get stuck in my throat, and I quickly move on, "I wanted to ask you something..." just then my eyes involuntarily return to stare at Katie. And she's turned around enough for me to see her face.
"What?" Carol asks, when I quiet down.
I hear her question all right, but I can't get a word out of my mouth. Katie's upset. I see a tear sliding down her cheek. She quickly tries to brush it off. Her eyes are scanning the room, and when they sweep past me, she fights on a weak smile. A sad smile. Which is gone soon, and her face contorts from pain. She waits a second, and then bolts into action. In her hurried flight towards the exit, she bumps into my dad, mutters something under her breath, but never even slows down. I finally regain control of my muscles, when she disappears through the doorway leading to the hall and the front door.
"Jessie, you okay?" Carol says. Her hand comes out and lands on my knee.
"Yeah, sure," I startle from the touch.
"Well, what did you wanna ask me about?"
I look into her expectant eyes, and debate over what to do. Go after Katie, or stay here and ask my silly questions about mom. I hate choosing between Katie and my mother, "Just that... I was wondering... if I could come visit you..." I start to talk, and all these unfamiliar words come bobbing out of my mouth. I so didn't plan for that.
"What do you mean?" Carol frowns, when I again pause for too long.
I shake my head slowly, "Maybe in the summer or... you know what? Could you wait a while?" I finally blurt, and jump up from my seat, "There's something I have to do."
I don't even stop to wait for her response, but immediately follow in Katie's footsteps out of the room. Her pain filled expression doesn't leave me alone. I can't understand, what could've upset her that much. She was so strong at the funeral. She's been so strong through the whole thing. I haven't seen her cry once. Not that I've been looking, for that matter.
I find her on the stairs. Sitting on the second step. Leaning her head on the wall, and weeping quietly. With her eyes closed. I sneak right in front of her, baffled by the weirdness of it all, "Katie?" I whisper her name. She opens her eyes, and again tries to smile, failing miserably at it, "What's wrong?" I ask, frowning. Katie just shakes her head, and sobs some more. Her mouth opens a crack, but she doesn't say anything. I take a step closer, and sit down next to her, "Why are you crying?"
She straightens her back, and bows her gaze down, "It's stupid," she mutters, laughing shortly through the tears.
"What is, Katie?" I reach out with my hand, and place it on top of hers. Which are crossed on her lap. She separates them, and eagerly grabs hold of mine, "What's wrong?" I go on asking, when she doesn't answer.
Her head turns, just enough for her to see me, "Chocolate," she whispers.
"Chocolate?" I repeat incredulously. What does that mean?
"The box of chocolate, I gave her on Christmas," she says. Oh, right. I remember that. But I still don't get, what there is to cry about?
So, I furrow my brow, and shake my head, "Yeah. I remember that," I say, "What about it?"
"It's stupid," she says, removing her eyes from me again.
"You said that already," I snap, a little too irately. Her evasive behavior is making me nervous.
"It's still there, on the shelf," she says, "And I don't know... it just reminded me of that day. How great it was. And how she won't ever again see another Christmas. And then I started thinking, how awful you must feel, and..." Katie's voice drowns in another patch of sobs.
I'm left staring at her dumbfounded, when she takes her hands, and buries her face in them. It's so not like Katie to be crying over something so silly. It would actually suit me much better. But for some reason, it doesn't even make me sad. It's a happy memory, the Christmas. It makes me want to smile. And thank Katie for reminding me of it.
But all that aside, I fall even deeper in love with this girl. She's crying over my mother, and she didn't even know her. It's so sweet. Brings tears to my eyes. And I place my arm over her shoulder, and pull her head closer to me. And press my cheek against hers. All the while she keeps sniveling.
"I won't ever let anything hurt you again, Jessie," Katie whispers in a strangely determined voice, "You'll see."
"Right," I reply absently. Well, she better just kill me then. Life hurts, that's how I know I've still got something to live for.
Katie suddenly pulls back, and turns to stare at me with intense eyes, "No, I mean it," she speaks, and there's not a hint of doubt in her voice, "I will protect you, Jessie."
I look back at her dubiously for a second. The sobs are gone now. I liked it better, when they were here, "You can't stop me from getting hurt, Katie," I say.
"I can try," she shrugs.
Our eyes stay locked together for a good time. She's acting very strong again. I liked how she didn't, for a while there. How she was just as weak as I am. Now she's all about control again. Wanting to protect me, and shelter me. Suffocate me. Like dad. And the rest of them. Like mom...
"Don't, though," I stand up, shaking my head once, and take a step away from her.
"What..."
"Jessie?" dad's voice cuts Katie short. He comes cruising down the corridor from the living room. Summoned by my annoyed thoughts, no doubt, "Everything okay?" he asks.
I gather up all my remaining will power, and manage not to wince. I can't take all this affection for much longer. It only feels like a cheap imitation of what mom had to offer. And it makes me angry, more than anything.
"I'm okay, dad," I keep my voice even, and flip a glance between Katie and him, "I'm just... I'm okay."
"You sure?" dad asks. He looks at Katie, who is feebly trying to wipe the drying tears from her face, and then back at me. Doesn't even bother to ask if Katie's okay. Doesn't care enough.
"I said, I was fine," I snap, and head past him back into the room.
Just before I reach the mass of people, I hear his voice again, "Are you okay?" he queries from Katie. And succeeds in evoking just the smallest bit of fondness in me.
***
Ideas pop into my head sometimes. And I don't ever even consider doing anything about them. They can pass through my mind in a matter of seconds, and the only reaction they get from me is a smile. That is, if it's an especially stupid one. But every now and again, I grab hold of one and just play around with it. And the more I think about it, the more it starts to make sense. Even though, it can be the worst idea ever conceived by a human brain, I can convince myself otherwise.
This time it is the thought of visiting my aunt. At first it was just something I could see myself enjoying in some distant future. Then I gave it form by bringing it up with her. But it was still nothing more than an idea. And it probably wouldn't have been nothing more than that, if Katie hadn't barged out of the room, and drawn me and dad with her. But she did. And together, they managed to rile me up enough, so that I felt an extreme need to get away. And that's when the idea came back to me.
It's really quite simple. I have to get away. Mostly from dad. But also from the others. Lily. And, loathe as I am to admit it, Katie too. I treat her like garbage, but with mom's death, I have an adept excuse for doing so. I am ashamed of using it, but that doesn't mean I won't, if I have to.
There is such a thing as too much love. When it comes in the wrong form. Pity, for example. It's a disgusting form of love, when used in abundance. So is the smothering protective kind, parents tend to be fond of. I went crazy mad with mom sometimes, when she just would not let things be. And I can see and feel dad winding himself up for a similar fit.
"You know, just for a week. I can easily get that much off from school now," I told my aunt in a frenzy. I told her, how I wanted to know more about mom. Maybe see the house, where she grew up in. And I would not let her get a word in edgewise, "I just... I need to get away, and I..." my voice started to get a desperate pitch to it, when I ran out of reasons, and she looked at me skeptically.
"And what about your dad, Jessie? Your family? You need them now, more than ever," she finally spoke, when I quieted down.
"No!... No. That's just it, I don't," I talked very loud, and we started gathering some looks from the other guests. I glanced around hopelessly, and leaned to whisper in her ear, "I need to get away. Somewhere, where it's not... right there all the time, you know? I just know I'm gona end up hating my dad, if I have to keep looking at him in his goddamn happy life, pretending that he's sad."
"Jessie..." she still tried.
"Please!" and I pleaded.
She finally relented, and let her eyes take on a softer stare, "All right," she said, "Convince your dad, and I'd be happy to have you as a guest."
And there it is. A plan cooked up in ten minutes in my feverish brain. And I'm so excited about it by now, that it has to work. It has to. A week away from dad and the Mannings. That is the main reason I want to go. I tried telling myself that it was so I could learn more about mom, but that's bullshit. Yeah, it could be fun hearing stories of her childhood. But mainly, I just want to get away.
It's closer to seven, when most of the guests have finally dispersed. Dad and Lily are left on the couch. Aunt Carol still on the same chair. And me and Eli by the table. That's it.
I draw in a long breath and try to psyche myself to open my mouth. Dad won't go silently into the night, "So, Carol, when are you going back to Boston?" he surprises me with the question.
I see my aunt giving me a quick sideways glance, "Umm..." she starts to mumble.
And I know this is my chance. So, I just jump in, "Actually, dad... there's something I wanted to ask you," I say.
He's confused, when he's eyes turn towards me, "What, Jessie?"
"Yeah... eh... I was thinking... that... maybe I could... that is..." I start to stutter incoherently, and the words, that come out of my mouth, form nothing even remotely resembling a sentence.
"Jessie was wondering, if she could perhaps come visit me in Boston," Carol comes to my rescue.
Dad is even more confused, when he's stare flinches back to my aunt, "What?" he shakes his head, "No. I mean... No. Of course not!" he says, and turns to look at me again, "Jessie? What is this?"
His immediate forbidding rouses my spirit, and I gain more control of myself, "I just... for a week, dad. I wanna go there for a week," I say.
"No. Absolutely not," he shakes his head furiously, "Where is this coming from?"
"For a week, dad," I repeat through pursed lips, "I don't want to stay here."
"You don't have to, we're going home."
"This is my home!" I shriek out of frustration. His every word just makes me angrier, "I hate that other house even more! Please, let me go."
"Jessie, no," he's starting to sound as desperate as me, "You belong here with us. We are family, and we can help you get through this."
"Stop saying no. And I don't need to get through anything," my voice cracks slightly at the last word, and I have to pause for a few seconds, "There's so much I want to know about mom, and Carol is the only who can tell me," I bow my head down, and whisper, "It's just one stupid week."
"I can't let you go like that, Jessie," he says, "I'll try to arrange some free time, and we can go together a little later."
No! No! No! That would totally ruin the whole purpose! "Let me go, dad," I quietly whisper in a pleading voice.
"Jessie, you have to know I can't. It just won't..."
"I'll go with her," Eli interrupts him. And I turn a beaming smile towards him. I would kiss him, if he were a little closer. Eli I can take. He doesn't smother. And Eli is what's gona get me there. Dad won't be happy about it, but he has to let me go now, "I'll go with her," Eli repeats with a smile of his own.
It is just one stupid week. The school will give me time off. Eli's got nothing to keep him here. And dad's objections are too weak. He can't come up with anything, but his lame family crap. Me and Eli are the ones who got hurt. Not him. Not the Mannings. They are not our family. And it's just one stupid week, out of many more stupid weeks that will follow.
end, for now
Part 2 of 2
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: All things 'Once and Again' belong to the creators of the show. I think.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Archive: www.realmoftheshadow.com/megan.htm and www.jessiekatie.com
Summary: Karen is dead, and Jessie's hurting. Sequel to 'Watching Little Birds Fly'.
Author's Notes: A short attempt to describe Jessie's feelings, in the aftermath of her mother's death. Emphasis on short. I won't dwell on this too long. Timeline is... after 'Gardenia'. Though, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. This world is quite different from the real 'OandA' world.
***
Mom's house is so empty now. Even with all these people inside it, it's empty. No one lives here anymore. No one wakes up in the morning, walks down the stairs to make breakfast. Fetches the morning paper. Do they still deliver that? Is there gona be like a huge pile of them here next week? I should tell dad to cancel it.
There should be so many memories here. They should be flooding all over me. Filling me with warmth and comfort. But no. I can only remember one. The one from the last morning. In the kitchen. When I realized, just how much she loved me. No, I've always known that she loves... loved me infinitely. It had just slipped my mind, and I was reminded of it that morning. Everything was so exciting. Life seemed so full of hope. I could see all these possibilities. I could see myself happily together with Katie. And with mom smiling at us. I could see everything working out.
And then she has to go and die. Unfair. Now everything seems just so... hard. Hopeless. It isn't right, that children should outlive their parents. Who's gona take care of us, when they're gone? I want my mother back. I want another day with her. I'd spend it only with her. The whole day. It was an eternity ago, when I last devoted any time to her. She deserved so much better. She deserved children, who actually cared enough to be with her.
"Jessie?" Grace calls out my name. She comes into the kitchen to invade my privacy. The lousy bitch. I lift my head enough to give her an empty stare, "Don't you... do you wanna get something to eat?" she goes on, and nudges her head towards the living room. I wonder, who sent her? Lily, probably. It's always Lily, when it's about food. No wonder, Grace is so fat... Right. Way to think like an anorexic freak, Jessie.
"Got a tray of sandwiches, right here," I mutter, and nod down at the table in front of me.
Grace glances at the tray, and then smiles stupidly, "Right," she says, and starts to fidget on her feet. I keep staring at her, making her more nervous by the second. She just doesn't know what to say or do around me, "Hey, can I have one?" she suddenly blurts, and takes a seat across the table from me. It's mom's seat. She always sat there.
I squint my eyes, when Grace picks up one of the sandwiches. She smiles at me, and takes a bite out of it. How rude. I didn't say, she could have one.
I let my gaze wander beyond my stepsister, and through the living room doorway. I can only see a small corner of the room from this angle. Mom's younger sister, Carol, sits there, vacantly observing the rest of the room. Mom's sisters. We haven't seen them much in the last few years. But they should know another side of her. A different Karen. The child she once was. I'd so much like to meet her. I want to know, what she liked doing as a child. What she dreamed about. If she was happy, or sad. If she was anything like me. But one funeral isn't enough time to get to know her. And then the sisters will be gone, and they'll take her with them.
"Where are you going?" Grace mumbles, her mouth full of food, when I start to stand up.
I look down at her, "To the living room," I say frowning.
"Wait up," she says, cramming the rest of the sandwich into her mouth.
I wince in disgust. How can someone eat like that? I'd choke, "Sure you don't want another one of those?" I say, pointing at the tray.
Grace looks at me confusedly for a second, and then shakes her head. I leave her to struggle down the sandwich, and head for the living room. It's packed with people, and I freeze in the doorway. I look for familiar faces, and the only ones I find are Eli's and Katie's. Eli is talking to one of our cousins, and Katie has managed to stuff herself into a tiny space between the piano and a bookshelf. She seems to be very interested in something on the shelf, but her body is blocking the view, so I can't tell what it is.
Dad's here too. And a lot of other people, I used to find familiar. But not anymore. They're strangers, who don't belong here. I turn slightly, and take a better look at my aunt Carol. There's an empty chair next to her, and I make towards it, "Carol. Hey," I say and come to stand in front of her.
Her head is slow to catch on, but eventually she meets my gaze, "Jessie," she says with a small smile.
I smile back, and sit down, "It was really nice that you came," I say for lack of a better opener.
"Of course I came," she says, sounding a little confused, "She was my sister."
I glance at her briefly, and then look down on my lap, "Yeah... of course... I just..." the words start to get stuck in my throat, and I quickly move on, "I wanted to ask you something..." just then my eyes involuntarily return to stare at Katie. And she's turned around enough for me to see her face.
"What?" Carol asks, when I quiet down.
I hear her question all right, but I can't get a word out of my mouth. Katie's upset. I see a tear sliding down her cheek. She quickly tries to brush it off. Her eyes are scanning the room, and when they sweep past me, she fights on a weak smile. A sad smile. Which is gone soon, and her face contorts from pain. She waits a second, and then bolts into action. In her hurried flight towards the exit, she bumps into my dad, mutters something under her breath, but never even slows down. I finally regain control of my muscles, when she disappears through the doorway leading to the hall and the front door.
"Jessie, you okay?" Carol says. Her hand comes out and lands on my knee.
"Yeah, sure," I startle from the touch.
"Well, what did you wanna ask me about?"
I look into her expectant eyes, and debate over what to do. Go after Katie, or stay here and ask my silly questions about mom. I hate choosing between Katie and my mother, "Just that... I was wondering... if I could come visit you..." I start to talk, and all these unfamiliar words come bobbing out of my mouth. I so didn't plan for that.
"What do you mean?" Carol frowns, when I again pause for too long.
I shake my head slowly, "Maybe in the summer or... you know what? Could you wait a while?" I finally blurt, and jump up from my seat, "There's something I have to do."
I don't even stop to wait for her response, but immediately follow in Katie's footsteps out of the room. Her pain filled expression doesn't leave me alone. I can't understand, what could've upset her that much. She was so strong at the funeral. She's been so strong through the whole thing. I haven't seen her cry once. Not that I've been looking, for that matter.
I find her on the stairs. Sitting on the second step. Leaning her head on the wall, and weeping quietly. With her eyes closed. I sneak right in front of her, baffled by the weirdness of it all, "Katie?" I whisper her name. She opens her eyes, and again tries to smile, failing miserably at it, "What's wrong?" I ask, frowning. Katie just shakes her head, and sobs some more. Her mouth opens a crack, but she doesn't say anything. I take a step closer, and sit down next to her, "Why are you crying?"
She straightens her back, and bows her gaze down, "It's stupid," she mutters, laughing shortly through the tears.
"What is, Katie?" I reach out with my hand, and place it on top of hers. Which are crossed on her lap. She separates them, and eagerly grabs hold of mine, "What's wrong?" I go on asking, when she doesn't answer.
Her head turns, just enough for her to see me, "Chocolate," she whispers.
"Chocolate?" I repeat incredulously. What does that mean?
"The box of chocolate, I gave her on Christmas," she says. Oh, right. I remember that. But I still don't get, what there is to cry about?
So, I furrow my brow, and shake my head, "Yeah. I remember that," I say, "What about it?"
"It's stupid," she says, removing her eyes from me again.
"You said that already," I snap, a little too irately. Her evasive behavior is making me nervous.
"It's still there, on the shelf," she says, "And I don't know... it just reminded me of that day. How great it was. And how she won't ever again see another Christmas. And then I started thinking, how awful you must feel, and..." Katie's voice drowns in another patch of sobs.
I'm left staring at her dumbfounded, when she takes her hands, and buries her face in them. It's so not like Katie to be crying over something so silly. It would actually suit me much better. But for some reason, it doesn't even make me sad. It's a happy memory, the Christmas. It makes me want to smile. And thank Katie for reminding me of it.
But all that aside, I fall even deeper in love with this girl. She's crying over my mother, and she didn't even know her. It's so sweet. Brings tears to my eyes. And I place my arm over her shoulder, and pull her head closer to me. And press my cheek against hers. All the while she keeps sniveling.
"I won't ever let anything hurt you again, Jessie," Katie whispers in a strangely determined voice, "You'll see."
"Right," I reply absently. Well, she better just kill me then. Life hurts, that's how I know I've still got something to live for.
Katie suddenly pulls back, and turns to stare at me with intense eyes, "No, I mean it," she speaks, and there's not a hint of doubt in her voice, "I will protect you, Jessie."
I look back at her dubiously for a second. The sobs are gone now. I liked it better, when they were here, "You can't stop me from getting hurt, Katie," I say.
"I can try," she shrugs.
Our eyes stay locked together for a good time. She's acting very strong again. I liked how she didn't, for a while there. How she was just as weak as I am. Now she's all about control again. Wanting to protect me, and shelter me. Suffocate me. Like dad. And the rest of them. Like mom...
"Don't, though," I stand up, shaking my head once, and take a step away from her.
"What..."
"Jessie?" dad's voice cuts Katie short. He comes cruising down the corridor from the living room. Summoned by my annoyed thoughts, no doubt, "Everything okay?" he asks.
I gather up all my remaining will power, and manage not to wince. I can't take all this affection for much longer. It only feels like a cheap imitation of what mom had to offer. And it makes me angry, more than anything.
"I'm okay, dad," I keep my voice even, and flip a glance between Katie and him, "I'm just... I'm okay."
"You sure?" dad asks. He looks at Katie, who is feebly trying to wipe the drying tears from her face, and then back at me. Doesn't even bother to ask if Katie's okay. Doesn't care enough.
"I said, I was fine," I snap, and head past him back into the room.
Just before I reach the mass of people, I hear his voice again, "Are you okay?" he queries from Katie. And succeeds in evoking just the smallest bit of fondness in me.
***
Ideas pop into my head sometimes. And I don't ever even consider doing anything about them. They can pass through my mind in a matter of seconds, and the only reaction they get from me is a smile. That is, if it's an especially stupid one. But every now and again, I grab hold of one and just play around with it. And the more I think about it, the more it starts to make sense. Even though, it can be the worst idea ever conceived by a human brain, I can convince myself otherwise.
This time it is the thought of visiting my aunt. At first it was just something I could see myself enjoying in some distant future. Then I gave it form by bringing it up with her. But it was still nothing more than an idea. And it probably wouldn't have been nothing more than that, if Katie hadn't barged out of the room, and drawn me and dad with her. But she did. And together, they managed to rile me up enough, so that I felt an extreme need to get away. And that's when the idea came back to me.
It's really quite simple. I have to get away. Mostly from dad. But also from the others. Lily. And, loathe as I am to admit it, Katie too. I treat her like garbage, but with mom's death, I have an adept excuse for doing so. I am ashamed of using it, but that doesn't mean I won't, if I have to.
There is such a thing as too much love. When it comes in the wrong form. Pity, for example. It's a disgusting form of love, when used in abundance. So is the smothering protective kind, parents tend to be fond of. I went crazy mad with mom sometimes, when she just would not let things be. And I can see and feel dad winding himself up for a similar fit.
"You know, just for a week. I can easily get that much off from school now," I told my aunt in a frenzy. I told her, how I wanted to know more about mom. Maybe see the house, where she grew up in. And I would not let her get a word in edgewise, "I just... I need to get away, and I..." my voice started to get a desperate pitch to it, when I ran out of reasons, and she looked at me skeptically.
"And what about your dad, Jessie? Your family? You need them now, more than ever," she finally spoke, when I quieted down.
"No!... No. That's just it, I don't," I talked very loud, and we started gathering some looks from the other guests. I glanced around hopelessly, and leaned to whisper in her ear, "I need to get away. Somewhere, where it's not... right there all the time, you know? I just know I'm gona end up hating my dad, if I have to keep looking at him in his goddamn happy life, pretending that he's sad."
"Jessie..." she still tried.
"Please!" and I pleaded.
She finally relented, and let her eyes take on a softer stare, "All right," she said, "Convince your dad, and I'd be happy to have you as a guest."
And there it is. A plan cooked up in ten minutes in my feverish brain. And I'm so excited about it by now, that it has to work. It has to. A week away from dad and the Mannings. That is the main reason I want to go. I tried telling myself that it was so I could learn more about mom, but that's bullshit. Yeah, it could be fun hearing stories of her childhood. But mainly, I just want to get away.
It's closer to seven, when most of the guests have finally dispersed. Dad and Lily are left on the couch. Aunt Carol still on the same chair. And me and Eli by the table. That's it.
I draw in a long breath and try to psyche myself to open my mouth. Dad won't go silently into the night, "So, Carol, when are you going back to Boston?" he surprises me with the question.
I see my aunt giving me a quick sideways glance, "Umm..." she starts to mumble.
And I know this is my chance. So, I just jump in, "Actually, dad... there's something I wanted to ask you," I say.
He's confused, when he's eyes turn towards me, "What, Jessie?"
"Yeah... eh... I was thinking... that... maybe I could... that is..." I start to stutter incoherently, and the words, that come out of my mouth, form nothing even remotely resembling a sentence.
"Jessie was wondering, if she could perhaps come visit me in Boston," Carol comes to my rescue.
Dad is even more confused, when he's stare flinches back to my aunt, "What?" he shakes his head, "No. I mean... No. Of course not!" he says, and turns to look at me again, "Jessie? What is this?"
His immediate forbidding rouses my spirit, and I gain more control of myself, "I just... for a week, dad. I wanna go there for a week," I say.
"No. Absolutely not," he shakes his head furiously, "Where is this coming from?"
"For a week, dad," I repeat through pursed lips, "I don't want to stay here."
"You don't have to, we're going home."
"This is my home!" I shriek out of frustration. His every word just makes me angrier, "I hate that other house even more! Please, let me go."
"Jessie, no," he's starting to sound as desperate as me, "You belong here with us. We are family, and we can help you get through this."
"Stop saying no. And I don't need to get through anything," my voice cracks slightly at the last word, and I have to pause for a few seconds, "There's so much I want to know about mom, and Carol is the only who can tell me," I bow my head down, and whisper, "It's just one stupid week."
"I can't let you go like that, Jessie," he says, "I'll try to arrange some free time, and we can go together a little later."
No! No! No! That would totally ruin the whole purpose! "Let me go, dad," I quietly whisper in a pleading voice.
"Jessie, you have to know I can't. It just won't..."
"I'll go with her," Eli interrupts him. And I turn a beaming smile towards him. I would kiss him, if he were a little closer. Eli I can take. He doesn't smother. And Eli is what's gona get me there. Dad won't be happy about it, but he has to let me go now, "I'll go with her," Eli repeats with a smile of his own.
It is just one stupid week. The school will give me time off. Eli's got nothing to keep him here. And dad's objections are too weak. He can't come up with anything, but his lame family crap. Me and Eli are the ones who got hurt. Not him. Not the Mannings. They are not our family. And it's just one stupid week, out of many more stupid weeks that will follow.
end, for now