Buncha vamps having a party. Willow asks what to do, so I tell them we'll handle it tomorrow.

Then I go back.

I'm not doing this, I tell myself. I'm not taking on a platoon of vampires by myself. I'm not.

But I do.

I bust down the door and make some smartass crack. The bastard who hurt Buffy charges me, and I take care of him really quick. Then the rest of them growl at me, so I pull the pin on the grenade, drop it on the floor, and run away.

Have you ever seen people walk away from explosions like they do in movies? Makes for a pretty picture, but it's real stupid. Trust me, you're better running.

As the tomb blows up I don't laugh.

That would be crazy.

* * * * *

I go off for a while and have a few drinks. Sandy, that vampire from a few nights ago, gives me a knowing glance. I could kill her but I don't. Willy's is neutral territory, so as long as she doesn't attack me I won't attack her.

Why do I come here? Beats the hell out of me.

There's a demon over in the corner. I think Buffy killed one like him a few days ago. I raise my drink to him and he growls, then goes back to playing pool.

Now I know.

But I still don't laugh.

* * * * *

I don't get much sleep that night.

Tossing, turning? No, I sleep the sleep of the just. But I get to bed late, and my head hurts the next morning.

Maybe I should cut down on the drinking.

Anyway, I head over to Buffy's to see what's what. She was recovering last night from her stomach wound, I want to make sure she's okay.

She's not there - but Spike is.

Sniffing her sweaters, almost like - no.

That would be crazy, and I'm not crazy. I'm a psych student - I know these things.

So I confront him and he gives me some attitude. After I drag him downstairs he gives me some more. How the two of them spent the night talking, chatting, about what he doesn't say.

And then he tells me about Buffy's mom.

Damn. How does he know before me? And why didn't she tell me, call me, find me?

Then there's the vampire thing, of course. Buffy likes her men with "heavy brows," or so Spike says.

He's beginning to annoy me. I throw him out in the sunlight.

And just to avoid ticking Buffy off I throw the blanket after him. Though I really should kill the son of a bitch.

He annoys me. Or have I said that already?

* * * * *

Buffy darn near blows me off when I show. Turns out she hadn't told anyone else yet about her mom's trip to the hospital either, though why she told Spike I have no clue. She goes in to talk with her mom and I'm left guarding Dawn in the waiting room.

Dawn doesn't like me much. Never has, why I don't know. I've never done anything to her.

She's sleeping. I put my jacket over her as Buffy comes out and finally tells me what's going on.

Poor Joyce. Poor Dawn, poor Buffy as well.

And poor me.

* * * * *

So later I'm with Dawn in the park. She doesn't know about her mother, and I'm not going to tell her.

Though maybe I should - I'm feeling a bit out of the picture lately.

No. That wouldn't be fair to Dawn, she's not part of this.

We chat about things, I buy her an ice cream, she tells me a story about the merry-go-round we're sitting in front of.

And then she tells me I'm better than Angel, at least for Buffy. My shoulders lift. Really?

Yeah, she says, you're a lot more level. She doesn't get as passionate, as weepy around you.

Well, that makes me feel JUST great. She doesn't feel passionate about me.

She doesn't love me.

There has to be something I can do to make her --

But I don't tell Dawn anything, and we sit there a while longer.

I'm thinking.

* * * * *

Then I hit the magic shop, where they fill me in on what's up with the new monster in town.

Buffy's gone off after it again without me. She's been doing that a lot lately.

Xander gives me a hard time about what I did with the vamps last night, like I should have waited for them.

But I don't need them. Didn't. All they were doing was slowing me down.

Xander's looking at me kind of funny, as though he knows something, something about what I'm going through.

How could he, though? The woman he loves loves him back. Not true for me.

It's my imagination. Xander can't know anything, at least nothing I haven't told him. I've been very careful about that, and Xander's the kind of guy who doesn't take hints unless they're applied with a sledgehammer.

He doesn't have a clue.

None of them do.

* * * * *

So what can I do? I have no idea where Buffy is, what kind of trouble she's in. She has too much of a head start anyway.

So I guess I'll go off and start drinking again.

While nursing a whiskey at Willy's Sandy gives me the eye again.

That gives me an idea. Buffy likes her men kinda dark, kinda dangerous? I have to know why.

What's the appeal?

So I lead Sandy on this time and we go out into the alley.

First she kisses me, quickly, then she goes for the neck.

Let me tell you this much. The next time someone tells you about how it feels romantic, or affectionate, or it's a thrill to have your neck bitten in this way - they're lying through their teeth. There's nothing sexual about it and it hurts like hell.

Fuck you, Anne Rice.

I end the pain by shoving a stake through Sandy's heart. What? You think I owed her something, I led her on? Fine, so I did, big deal.

At least I killed her before she thought of completing the act.

Not that I ever thought of completing it.

Ever.

I swear.

* * * * *

And then I finally catch up to Buffy and Dawn again, back in the hospital. Joyce is awake and they're talking, so I get to keep a bit more company with Dawn.

Then Dawn gets called in and I get to spend some more time with my girlfriend.

About thirty seconds, and then she goes in to be with her family while I'm stuck in the hallway.

Alone again.

Naturally.

Damn it. I go through all of that and for what?

Nothing.

Hell, maybe I should have let Sandy bite me, should have completed the act. Maybe then I'd understand Buffy, understand my place in her life.

And don't tell me that would be crazy.

I know that. And I don't care anymore.