Like, I Love You, Link!
by Father Hulk
OPENING WORDS: Hello, my children! Father Hulk here, with perhaps the most unlikely coupling ever in Zelda history. (Although I did read a Zelda lemon that involved Link and Epona, but we won't get into that.) At any rate, I pride myself on being the master of the unexpected. And as usual, these characters aren't mine, nor are they the property of the St. Eva Church. Please read and review, and of course enjoy!
Slosh… slosh… slosh… Link sloshed through the knee-deep waters of Spool Swamp, trying to find his way to the dungeon containing the third essence. He had already fought through two lairs of nightmarish monsters, and he was not particularly thrilled at the thought of six more. But, a mission was a mission.
Eventually, he came to very deep water, and since he didn't have any swimming equipment, he obviously couldn't cross it.
"Damn… now what do I do?" he muttered. Suddenly, he heard a loud cry from above him.
"Sounds like a monster in trouble." He thought, and went to investigate. When he came to a remote corner of the swamp, he saw a baby Dodongo being tortured by three Pig Moblins.
"Hey, hey, leave her alone!" Link called out, running over.
"Stay out of it, you shall." one of them snarled.
"Yeah, yousa better leave us-a aloneski, or wesa gonna hurt yousa!" said the second.
"Let her go!" Link repeated, drawing his sword.
The thrid stepped forward. "(shhh…chhh…) Pay me 50 rupees. (shhh…chh…)"
Link rolled his eyes but flipped the warrior a 50-rupee piece.
"Pay me 30 more. (Shhh….chhh…)"
"Hey, our deal was for 50!" Link cried.
"I am altering the deal, pray I don't alter it any further."
With a much more visible eye roll, Link flipped the moblin 30 more rupees. "Now get the hell outta here."
With squeals of glee, the Pig Moblins ran from the area.
"Are you okay?" Link asked, running to the monster's side.
"Ooof… I think so." The monster huffed, standing up. "Who are you, anyway?"
"My name is Link. What's yours?"
"Dimitri." she replied. "Um, I guess I should repay you for saving me. Here, get on my back and I'll help you out."
With a small jump, Link mounted Dimitri. "Can you help me find a warp to Subrosia?"
"Sure." Dimitri said. "Let's go. I think we have to cross this deep water."
Dimitri turned out to be an excellent swimmer, and she could even eat solid plants in a single bite.
"I think I smell a warp around here somewhere." she said, nosing at the ground. "Here we go!" she said, as she chomped a plant away to reveal a swirling blue portal. "Jackpot!"
"Good work, Dimitri!" Link exclaimed, jumping out. "Wait for me here."
"Roger, roger." Said Dimitri as Link disappeared through the portal.
The world turned white around him as he spun around and around, then was set gently back on the ground of the hellish world of Subrosia.
Link checked his "Oracle of Seasons" players guide.
"Okay, it looks like I have to get the power of summer next. So, let's go to the temple. I think it's down this road."
"Nope, ya don't wanna go down that road…" said an old Subrosian, coming out of the market. "That road's got a history. 35 Subrosians have died while on it, and some say you can still see their ghosts there. Ya see, that road used to be a burial ground for a tribe of vampire Wakecha Subrosian Indians, who killed all who went there and drank their blood. Yup, a lotta history on that road."
"O…kay." Link said, setting off down the aforementioned road. However, he quickly found the door to the temple of summer was locked, and he didn't have a key. So he had to find some other way to open it.
As he passed through the village square, and he heard two Subrosians chatting excitedly.
"And she sings so well…"
"Used to be beautiful…
"Oh, the beforetimes?"
"Yup…"
"Can unlock any door…"
"What's that?" Link interrupted, "What's that about unlocking any door?"
"Haven't you heard?" the first one asked, surprise in his large eyes. "The singer, Rosa, is in town. She sings like an angel, and she has a necklace that can unlock any door!"
"And what was that about the 'beforetimes?'"
"Oh, well see, way back in the…"
"Shaddup!" the other one snapped, elbowing the first one. "Only the elder can tell about the beforetimes!"
"Where is Rosa now?" Link asked.
"Down by the beach." The subrosian answered. "She's in a slump because she lost her favorite ribbon."
A light bulb flashed on above Link's head, and he rushed to the nearby market, where he remembered seeing a ribbon there before. It was still there, as big and red as ever.
"I'd like to buy that ribbon." He told the shopkeeper.
"All righ'!" the shopkeeper replied, a big man with lots of bushy hair. "Is it yer firs' time here?"
"Um, no, but it's the first time buying something here."
"Right, well yeh gotta learn yer manners." the man said. "Firs', ya gotta ask me what I ask fer it."
"What do you ask for this ribbon?" Link asked, getting frustrated.
"Eh, 10 of those ore chunks'll do."
"Fine." Link threw the money at the man and took the ribbon. Then he went down to the beach to look for Rosa.
It wasn't hard to find her. He heard her crying softly from three screens away. He approached her and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Yowza!" she screamed, jumping. "Who did that?"
"Over here." Link said, and she turned to look at him. She looked the same as the other Subrosians… short and completely covered in a robe.
"I don't want anybody to talk to me!" she wailed. "Not after I lost my favorite ribbon! I just want to… wowies…" Her eyes widened as Link presented the new ribbon to her.
"Is this for me?" she asked, her voice shaking.
"Yep!"
"Oh wow! Thank you!!!" she immediately put the ribbon on. "Will you go out with me?"
Link was taken aback. "What???"
"I like you! Um, I mean… it's just that, nobody has ever given me something before, and…uhhhhhhh…."
"All right, all right." Link said, feeling sympathetic. "Sure, I'll go out with you."
"Ohhhhhh! All right!" she squealed. "Come on, I want to go to the temple!" She grabbed his hand and dragged him off.
After a nice walk to the Temple of Seasons and retrieving the power of summer, finally the date had to end.
"Are you ever gonna come back?" Rosa asked him as they stood outside the warp back to the surface. Link could hear sincere hope in her voice.
"Sure. I'll come back."
"Can I give you a goodbye kiss?" she asked, blushing under her robe.
Link didn't have time to say "Ummmm…" Rosa jumped up and gave him a very quick kiss.
"Wow…" Link whispered. "Um, see you."
He stepped into the warp, wondering whether or not he was actually touched by the young Subrosian's attachment to him.
Time raced by, and soon Link had five essences and a great many more weapons. It was at this time that he was contacted by the Maku Tree.
"Link… you must go to Subrosia."
"But why?" Link asked. "I have all four powers. Why should…"
"Shut up and let me finish." The tree said. "Somebody is about to fall into very grave danger. You must prevent it. I will conjure a warp to the Subrosian Elder. Ask him to tell you about the beforetimes. Good luck."
In a swirl of light, a warp appeared next to Link.
"I'm wondering why he can't do that all the time." Link grumbled as he stepped into it.
He crash landed in Subrosia outside a large hut, and was immediately greeted by a familiar voice.
"Link! My Linkey came back!" Rosa cried, running up and hugging him. "Oh, I'm so glad to see you!"
Oddly enough, he found himself saying, "I'm glad to see you too, Rosa."
"Want to go on another date?"
"Actually, I'm here to see the elder." Link replied.
"Oh. Well, come on, I'll take you to him." Rosa escorted Link into the large hut, where a bearded Subrosian stood.
"What do you need?"
"I was sent by the Maku Tree to learn about the beforetimes." Link said.
"The Maku Tree? Yes, of course… gather around, everyone! We're going to tell the story of the beforetimes again!"
After everyone was seated around the fire, the elder began.
"Way back in the beforetimes, in the long long ago, we didn't look like we do now. We looked human, because we WERE human. We were tall, had all human features, etc…"
Link looked over at Rosa, but found it difficult to picture her as a young human woman.
"But then the evil came…" the elder continued. "The evil known os Onox. Onox didn't like us because we stood up to him when he tried to take over Holodrum. So he cursed us, and now we must live underground like this."
Link rose. "Elder, the Maku Tree said that somebody here was about to fall into grave danger, and that was why I should come to you about this."
The elder's eyes widened. "Then it's true… the curse could be broken." The elder walked to the window. "They say that when one of the purest heart is rescued from one of the greatest evil, the curse of Onox will be broken and we will return to normal!"
"But who will be taken?" Link asked.
"I don't know. But it will be up to you to rescue whomever disappears."
Later that evening, Link walked with Rosa over a bridge overlooking a great lava fountain.
"Your life must be pretty rough, huh? she asked.
"Well, it's no walk in the park." he said with a sigh. "I've saved I don't know how many worlds… I've been killed a few times… but somehow, I keep hearing the words SAVE AND CONTINUE in my mind, then I'm back where I was. It's so weird."
"Gee… sometimes, I wish I could know exactly what another person has gone through, so I could sympathize with them on a higher level."
Link turned to Rosa. "Rosa… that's very profound. I'm proud of you."
"What do you see me as, Link?" she asked.
Link thought for a moment. "I see you as a charming and friendly Subrosian."
"There's that word again!" she grumbled. "Subrosian! There are no Subrosians! We used to live up there with you people!" She turned back to watch the fountain. "It's not fair that one evil mind should be able to ruin the lives of the good minds."
Link took her hand. "There really are no bad people… just good people with weak hearts. Sometimes we can't change a weak heart, and that's why we must destroy the person."
Rosa took a step closer to him. "You're sounding pretty profound yourself."
Link looked away. "Yeah, well, um…"
"Link… close your eyes."
Link closed his eyes, and when Rosa's lips met his, they didn't feel like the lips of some stocky underground dweller… they felt as soft and warm as any human girl he'd ever met.
After two or so minutes, Rosa pulled back, and Link opened his eyes.
"Rosa… I don't know what to say…" Link stammered.
"You don't need to say anything." she whispered. "It's okay. It's just you and me… and we're… YAAAAH!" she couldn't finish her sentence because a tornado dropped from the sky and swept her away.
"Damn! That frickin prophecy!" Link groaned, and he dashed off in the direction the tornado had taken her.
After running after the tornado for an hour, Link found his way to a huge temple in a remote corner of Subrosia. He went in, and it was surprisingly dark. There was no light whatsoever. Then he entered a huge hall, and the lights flared on.
"Link, you've come at last…" said the man who stepped from the shadows.
"Gannondorf… I should have known." Link growled. He saw Rosa chained to the wall, and his heart twisted in his chest.
"Come to rescue the little lady?" Gannondorf snickered. "I don't think you can get by me. Behold!" Ganon used a secret and got a level 3 ring box.
"Oh yeah?" Link used a secret and got the master sword.
Gannondorf used a secret to obtain a 99 seed satchel, and Link used a secret to get 50 bombs.
"It is clear," Gannondorf said, "That this contest cannot be won by our knowledge of the link system… but by our skills with a sword!"
Drawing their swords, the two clashed at each other in the greatest duel of all time. Gannondorf swung ferociously, and Link barely had time to block one swing before another came at him.
Finally, Gannondorf knocked Link's sword from his hand and knocked him to the floor.
"Heh, heh, heh… Poor Link… Comes to save his girlfriend, and dies instead!"
Link could see Ganondorf conjuring a big green ball of magic in his hands.
"Link, be strong!" Rosa called out, struggling in her chians. "Don't die! I… I love you!"
Those words filled Link's heart just as Gannondorf threw the magic at Link. The big green blast bounced off Link and engulfed Gannondorf instead.
"Nooo! You killed me! You bastard!" Gannondorf cried. Reduced to a mere spirit, Gannondorf drifted away. "I'll be back, Link! Don't doubt it!"
Rosa's chains undid themselves, and she ran to Link's side. Link was struggling to catch his breath on the floor of the temple.
"Link…" Rosa whispered. "Look… your heart is glowing." Rosa put her hand on the glowing area, and she immediately felt herself start to change. In a burst of light, Link saw the most beautiful young girl he could ever dream of.
"You did it, Linkey." she said with an affectionate smile. "I knew you would."
He sat up. "Do I get a reward?"
"Of course." Rosa sat on the floor next to him and they kissed for a very long while.
The return to the Subrosian village was most joyful indeed. By touching Link's heart, Rosa had broken the curse of Onox, and all the Subrosians had returned to normal.
"We are going to return to the surface to live normal lives!" the elder said. "Rosa, where would you like to stay?"
"Oh, I think I know who I want to stay with." Rosa said, kissing Link. Link smiled, pushed his hat back, and accompanied Rosa to the warp back to Holodrum.
THE END!
Written by Father Maximillian J. Hulk of the St. Eva Church
Fatherhulk601@aol.com
BENEDICTION: So what do you think? Even with the most unlikely pairs, I can make it into a well oiled machine, yes? Please review this story! I'd love to hear the public's reaction! Until next time, my children!