Desert Rose
Chapter Two: Drowning
Kattie
Disclaimer: hold up "Art of Life" by X-Japan This does not belong to me. holds up Gundam Wing This doesn't either. holds up neko-chan This does.
Warning: Major angst! Hinted shounen ai- but it may become more later. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows
"What gives you the right to live?"
*I'm dying of thirst I wanna run away*
"I'm sorry," Quatre repeated again to the empty room, "for everything."
Quatre knew he couldn't contain the sadness, the confusion within him much longer. Time was running out and soon his self-control would shatter with a new flow of tears. But Quatre could never tell them what was troubling him. He couldn't tell them what he was learning through the deaths of other soldiers.
Because, as much as he tried to call it a lie, he wasn't entirely unsure it wasn't the truth. And that scared him more than anything else could ever hope to.
In truth, Quatre wanted to take a break from piloting. He wanted to leave this world of bloodshed and secrecy. To run away from all the problems that came with it.
Selfish.
More importantly, Quatre wanted to run away from these new feelings. To leave behind this unexpected confusion. He wanted to be certain of things again. But that was an impossibility. If he could just keep the situation inside of himself for a little while longer, maybe, just maybe, he could overcome it.
*I don't know how to set me free to live My mind cries out feeling pain*
The words he had heard so often in his nightmares echoed through his head for the thousandth time. Those cursed words that had caused him to question his existence, to question everything around him. To question himself.
With the memory came the pain, as strong now as it was then. The pain of a thousand heartaches, the grief of knowing ones one death, the fear of what was to come next, and regret. It was so strong, it folded Quatre into a lifeless state, unmoving on the floor.
He wasn't quite sure if he was breathing or even if his heart was beating, but he was scarcely aware of someone screaming. It took him a few minutes to realize it was himself.
*I've been roaming to find myself How long have I been feeling endless hurt?*
Trowa burst back into the room and dropped to the floor next to Quatre. "Quatre?" He asked. "Quatre, are you alright?"
Biting his tongue, Quatre forced the scream to end. His dead eyes stared up at Trowa. "F-fine." He stuttered. "I j-just need to go. for a w-walk." With that said, Quatre lugged himself up to his feet. "I'm sorry."
"I can't let you go alone." Trowa said quietly, trying not to make eye contact with his friend.
"I need to be alone." Quatre replied, taking a step towards the door. "Need to go for a walk. Please."
The helplessness in Quatre's tone scared Trowa. Not knowing what had caused this was tearing him apart. How could he help Quatre if he didn't know what was ailing him? "Alright," Trowa said at last, "But be careful."
With a slight nod, Quatre left the room and began walking and walking, intent on continuing this until he finally came to a conclusion.
As he roamed the streets he began to wonder when this all began. When had he become so unsure of everything? How long had the pain lived in his heart?
* Falling down, rain flows into my heart In the pain I'm waiting for you*
At last exhaustion set in. The pain washed over Quatre with the tiredness of living and before he knew it he was lying on the ground. "Trowa." he said softly.
* Can't go back
No place to go back to*
'No,' He told himself, 'I can't bring this emotion back to them. I can't let them worry about me any more. I can't make them suffer from my selfish- "
"Selfish, that's what you are."
The memory interrupted his thoughts. A memory he tried every day and every night to forget.
"I can't go back," Quatre thought aloud, "Not until I figure this out."
*Life is lost, Flowers fall*
Try as he might, now that the memory was once again unearthed, he couldn't take it from the front of his mind. The words echoed over and over, unable to be forgotten, or even replaced. The memory of a man who no longer lived. A man who thought he should have lived.
"I want to see the cherry blossoms of spring again."
* If it's all dreams Now wake me up If it's all real Just kill me*
'Maybe he was right,' Quatre said to himself, 'Maybe I am just a killer. Do I really deserve to live after what I've done? Do I really want to live with what I've done?'
More than anything, Quatre wanted to just curl up into a ball and sleep until finally one day he woke up and learned this was all a dream. A horrible dream of fearful possibilities. But dreams never hurt this much.
End of Chapter
Please review if you have the time.
Chapter Two: Drowning
Kattie
Disclaimer: hold up "Art of Life" by X-Japan This does not belong to me. holds up Gundam Wing This doesn't either. holds up neko-chan This does.
Warning: Major angst! Hinted shounen ai- but it may become more later. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows
"What gives you the right to live?"
*I'm dying of thirst I wanna run away*
"I'm sorry," Quatre repeated again to the empty room, "for everything."
Quatre knew he couldn't contain the sadness, the confusion within him much longer. Time was running out and soon his self-control would shatter with a new flow of tears. But Quatre could never tell them what was troubling him. He couldn't tell them what he was learning through the deaths of other soldiers.
Because, as much as he tried to call it a lie, he wasn't entirely unsure it wasn't the truth. And that scared him more than anything else could ever hope to.
In truth, Quatre wanted to take a break from piloting. He wanted to leave this world of bloodshed and secrecy. To run away from all the problems that came with it.
Selfish.
More importantly, Quatre wanted to run away from these new feelings. To leave behind this unexpected confusion. He wanted to be certain of things again. But that was an impossibility. If he could just keep the situation inside of himself for a little while longer, maybe, just maybe, he could overcome it.
*I don't know how to set me free to live My mind cries out feeling pain*
The words he had heard so often in his nightmares echoed through his head for the thousandth time. Those cursed words that had caused him to question his existence, to question everything around him. To question himself.
With the memory came the pain, as strong now as it was then. The pain of a thousand heartaches, the grief of knowing ones one death, the fear of what was to come next, and regret. It was so strong, it folded Quatre into a lifeless state, unmoving on the floor.
He wasn't quite sure if he was breathing or even if his heart was beating, but he was scarcely aware of someone screaming. It took him a few minutes to realize it was himself.
*I've been roaming to find myself How long have I been feeling endless hurt?*
Trowa burst back into the room and dropped to the floor next to Quatre. "Quatre?" He asked. "Quatre, are you alright?"
Biting his tongue, Quatre forced the scream to end. His dead eyes stared up at Trowa. "F-fine." He stuttered. "I j-just need to go. for a w-walk." With that said, Quatre lugged himself up to his feet. "I'm sorry."
"I can't let you go alone." Trowa said quietly, trying not to make eye contact with his friend.
"I need to be alone." Quatre replied, taking a step towards the door. "Need to go for a walk. Please."
The helplessness in Quatre's tone scared Trowa. Not knowing what had caused this was tearing him apart. How could he help Quatre if he didn't know what was ailing him? "Alright," Trowa said at last, "But be careful."
With a slight nod, Quatre left the room and began walking and walking, intent on continuing this until he finally came to a conclusion.
As he roamed the streets he began to wonder when this all began. When had he become so unsure of everything? How long had the pain lived in his heart?
* Falling down, rain flows into my heart In the pain I'm waiting for you*
At last exhaustion set in. The pain washed over Quatre with the tiredness of living and before he knew it he was lying on the ground. "Trowa." he said softly.
* Can't go back
No place to go back to*
'No,' He told himself, 'I can't bring this emotion back to them. I can't let them worry about me any more. I can't make them suffer from my selfish- "
"Selfish, that's what you are."
The memory interrupted his thoughts. A memory he tried every day and every night to forget.
"I can't go back," Quatre thought aloud, "Not until I figure this out."
*Life is lost, Flowers fall*
Try as he might, now that the memory was once again unearthed, he couldn't take it from the front of his mind. The words echoed over and over, unable to be forgotten, or even replaced. The memory of a man who no longer lived. A man who thought he should have lived.
"I want to see the cherry blossoms of spring again."
* If it's all dreams Now wake me up If it's all real Just kill me*
'Maybe he was right,' Quatre said to himself, 'Maybe I am just a killer. Do I really deserve to live after what I've done? Do I really want to live with what I've done?'
More than anything, Quatre wanted to just curl up into a ball and sleep until finally one day he woke up and learned this was all a dream. A horrible dream of fearful possibilities. But dreams never hurt this much.
End of Chapter
Please review if you have the time.