Desert Rose
Chapter 4: Insanity Takes Hold
Kattie
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing. Is this a big surprise?
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai- not much, but it may become more later. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows
"What gives you the right to live?
*Turning away from the wall
Nothing I can see*
Panting from exhaustion, Trowa pulled his pained body onward, through the safehouse. His eyes searched their range of vision for the other pilots and, upon finding they were not in this room, forced him to continue through the house. His mind was screaming at him to hurry, knowing that the longer he took, the less chance Quatre had of survival.
After what seemed like an eternity of walking, Trowa finally found himself in the company of his fellow pilots. "Did Quatre," He managed between breaths, "Come back?"
There was a silence formed by the fading of hope. Trowa stared at his friends and they, in turn, stared right back.
"We thought," Duo answered finally, "He was with you."
A shadow seemed to fall over the world. Every ounce of light left in this dark universe disappeared, in Trowa's eyes. It was almost as though he could hear an angel screaming as it fell from Heaven to the depths of Hell. He could only pray that it wasn't his angel. "He ran away from me," Trowa explained," I thought maybe.. He came here."
Taking a deep breath, Duo managed to speak a question he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to. "How was he," He asked, "when he left? You don't think he would.." Duo's voice trailed off. It didn't need to be finished.
Setting himself down slowly in a chair, Trowa tried to calm his thoughts. "He was.. Talking about committing.." It took Trowa a few seconds to continue, fearing what he was saying could actually happen. "Committing.. Suicide.."
Duo sighed and began tousling his hair nervously. "Damn."
"That stupid-" Wufei began. He fell silent as he began thinking the remaining words, knowing that they didn't need to be said aloud.
There was constant clicking as Hiiro typed madly on his laptop. He didn't say anything and didn't seem to have heard what had just been spoken. "He's in his Gundam." He said out of the blue.
The safehouse was empty within seconds.
* The scream deep inside
Reflecting another person in my heart*
Quatre could feel his heart pounding. He could feel it in his chest and his head in the form of a headache. There was a fear growing inside of him. The fear of ending. Even though it seemed like the only thing to do, he couldn't help be afraid. After all, he'd never died before.
Not in this lifetime, anyway.
The thing was, Quatre didn't really want to die. He wanted to live, to help end this war, to help his friends, to be with Trowa. But this emotion was so strong. It seemed stronger than duty, friendship, and even love. It was stronger than Quatre.
Everyone knows sadness. In everyone's life there comes a time or, usually, many times, when a person is emotionally hurt in some way. No one can ever truthfully say they've never been saddened by something or someone. It is a powerful emotion, playing opposite happiness and often sponsored by love and friendship. People write poetry and dramas about this sorrow. In music, it even has a genre: the blues.
What Quatre felt was beyond sadness. It was beyond sorrow and desolation. Beyond depression. This new emotion, triggered by loss, confusion, and pain, was far stronger. It was a collage of despair, hopelessness, self- hatred, and hurt. Few people ever feel this emotion and those who do usually end up dead. There are very few situations which create this complex feeling.
One such situation is similar to this:
A woman, having just lost her husband in a car wreck, buys a bottle of vodka and, predictably, becomes intoxicated. The next morning she wakes up with a pounding headache and bloodstained hands. She doesn't know how the blood got there or where it came from. In fact, she can remember nothing from the previous evening.
As she walks through her house, she finds her victims to be friends who came over to take care of her in this time of loss. She stares at her hands in horror and tries with all her might to remember someone else committing these murders. But the blood is on her hands and her steak knife is protruding from her best friend's chest.
'Why?' She mentally screams at herself, 'Why did I do this?'
There is no answer and the pain greatens. Because this was not her doing, it was her sorrow, mixed with alcohol.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The other pilots hurried to their own Gundams and took off into space, following their lost comrade.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
* He calls me from within
"All existence you see before you
Must be wiped out :
Dream, Reality, Memories,
And Yourself"*
It wasn't Quatre who was piloting Sandrock. Just like the previously mentioned woman, his emotions were acting on their own, forbidding Quatre to do anything by his own free will. It was speaking to him with a familiar voice. The voice that haunted his every moment.
"With my death, everything will end."
"No!" Quatre shouted back, "Everything will end for me, but for no one else!"
"There will be nothing."
Everything had to end. The voice was telling him what he needed to do and it was so hard to disagree with it. "No!" Quatre yelled again. It didn't matter what Quatre thought anymore. Sandrock was listening to the voice.
Then again, with nothing, there could be no pain. The nightmares would finally come to an end. Quatre would no longer have to live with the truth of what he had done. He would no longer have to remember that fateful day. There would just be nothing.
It sounded peaceful.
* I begin to lose control of myself My lust is so blind, destroys my mind*
"He's completely lost control." Hiiro observed. "He can't handle the Zero System with such strong emotions."
Trowa watched his screen in fear. Sandrock was jerking in spastic motions, as if two people were fighting over the controls. Over the communication system, he could hear his beloved screaming.
"No!" Quatre repeated, his voice filled with despair.
It tore Trowa's heart out.
*Nobody can stop my turning to madness
No matter how you try to hold me in your heart*
"Quatre!" Trowa called out, hoping maybe his voice might bring Quatre back.
"T-Trowa.." Quatre stammered. "I'm sorry."
As Quatre spoke, his face appeared on the screen. It was hard to see him, though, the screen seemed to be smeared with some kind of liquid. Judging from Quatre's red eyes, it was most likely tears.
"Don't be sorry, Quatre." Trowa said, "You haven't done anything wrong. You just need to come back now."
"I'm sorry, Trowa," Quatre said again, "B-but I have to.. There's nothing I can do.."
"What's wrong?" Trowa asked, wanting desperately to hold Quatre in his arms, "If you tell us, it will be okay."
"No!" Quatre yelled, slamming his fist against the screen. The image was distorted for a moment, showing many Quatre's, all with bleeding hands, before turning black. "You need to leave," Quatre's voice continued, "Everything's going a..way. I don't want you to..become nothing.."
* Why do you wanna raise these walls?
I don't know the meaning of hatred*
"Why won't you tell me?" Trowa asked, raising his voice slightly from desperation, "You know I can't leave you!"
Sobs sounded over the communications. They were muffled, as if the person emitting them were covering their face to end them.
"I already hate myself." Quatre explained, "I couldn't bear you hating me too."
The words stung Trowa. How could he ever hate Quatre? "I could never hate you," Trowa replied, "..Not for anything."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Hiiro brought his Gundam up behind Quatre's very, very slowly, so Quatre wouldn't notice. If he could just disable Sandrock, everything would be okay.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
End of Chapter
Please review, if you have the time. Thanks for reading.
Chapter 4: Insanity Takes Hold
Kattie
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing. Is this a big surprise?
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai- not much, but it may become more later. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows
"What gives you the right to live?
*Turning away from the wall
Nothing I can see*
Panting from exhaustion, Trowa pulled his pained body onward, through the safehouse. His eyes searched their range of vision for the other pilots and, upon finding they were not in this room, forced him to continue through the house. His mind was screaming at him to hurry, knowing that the longer he took, the less chance Quatre had of survival.
After what seemed like an eternity of walking, Trowa finally found himself in the company of his fellow pilots. "Did Quatre," He managed between breaths, "Come back?"
There was a silence formed by the fading of hope. Trowa stared at his friends and they, in turn, stared right back.
"We thought," Duo answered finally, "He was with you."
A shadow seemed to fall over the world. Every ounce of light left in this dark universe disappeared, in Trowa's eyes. It was almost as though he could hear an angel screaming as it fell from Heaven to the depths of Hell. He could only pray that it wasn't his angel. "He ran away from me," Trowa explained," I thought maybe.. He came here."
Taking a deep breath, Duo managed to speak a question he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to. "How was he," He asked, "when he left? You don't think he would.." Duo's voice trailed off. It didn't need to be finished.
Setting himself down slowly in a chair, Trowa tried to calm his thoughts. "He was.. Talking about committing.." It took Trowa a few seconds to continue, fearing what he was saying could actually happen. "Committing.. Suicide.."
Duo sighed and began tousling his hair nervously. "Damn."
"That stupid-" Wufei began. He fell silent as he began thinking the remaining words, knowing that they didn't need to be said aloud.
There was constant clicking as Hiiro typed madly on his laptop. He didn't say anything and didn't seem to have heard what had just been spoken. "He's in his Gundam." He said out of the blue.
The safehouse was empty within seconds.
* The scream deep inside
Reflecting another person in my heart*
Quatre could feel his heart pounding. He could feel it in his chest and his head in the form of a headache. There was a fear growing inside of him. The fear of ending. Even though it seemed like the only thing to do, he couldn't help be afraid. After all, he'd never died before.
Not in this lifetime, anyway.
The thing was, Quatre didn't really want to die. He wanted to live, to help end this war, to help his friends, to be with Trowa. But this emotion was so strong. It seemed stronger than duty, friendship, and even love. It was stronger than Quatre.
Everyone knows sadness. In everyone's life there comes a time or, usually, many times, when a person is emotionally hurt in some way. No one can ever truthfully say they've never been saddened by something or someone. It is a powerful emotion, playing opposite happiness and often sponsored by love and friendship. People write poetry and dramas about this sorrow. In music, it even has a genre: the blues.
What Quatre felt was beyond sadness. It was beyond sorrow and desolation. Beyond depression. This new emotion, triggered by loss, confusion, and pain, was far stronger. It was a collage of despair, hopelessness, self- hatred, and hurt. Few people ever feel this emotion and those who do usually end up dead. There are very few situations which create this complex feeling.
One such situation is similar to this:
A woman, having just lost her husband in a car wreck, buys a bottle of vodka and, predictably, becomes intoxicated. The next morning she wakes up with a pounding headache and bloodstained hands. She doesn't know how the blood got there or where it came from. In fact, she can remember nothing from the previous evening.
As she walks through her house, she finds her victims to be friends who came over to take care of her in this time of loss. She stares at her hands in horror and tries with all her might to remember someone else committing these murders. But the blood is on her hands and her steak knife is protruding from her best friend's chest.
'Why?' She mentally screams at herself, 'Why did I do this?'
There is no answer and the pain greatens. Because this was not her doing, it was her sorrow, mixed with alcohol.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The other pilots hurried to their own Gundams and took off into space, following their lost comrade.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
* He calls me from within
"All existence you see before you
Must be wiped out :
Dream, Reality, Memories,
And Yourself"*
It wasn't Quatre who was piloting Sandrock. Just like the previously mentioned woman, his emotions were acting on their own, forbidding Quatre to do anything by his own free will. It was speaking to him with a familiar voice. The voice that haunted his every moment.
"With my death, everything will end."
"No!" Quatre shouted back, "Everything will end for me, but for no one else!"
"There will be nothing."
Everything had to end. The voice was telling him what he needed to do and it was so hard to disagree with it. "No!" Quatre yelled again. It didn't matter what Quatre thought anymore. Sandrock was listening to the voice.
Then again, with nothing, there could be no pain. The nightmares would finally come to an end. Quatre would no longer have to live with the truth of what he had done. He would no longer have to remember that fateful day. There would just be nothing.
It sounded peaceful.
* I begin to lose control of myself My lust is so blind, destroys my mind*
"He's completely lost control." Hiiro observed. "He can't handle the Zero System with such strong emotions."
Trowa watched his screen in fear. Sandrock was jerking in spastic motions, as if two people were fighting over the controls. Over the communication system, he could hear his beloved screaming.
"No!" Quatre repeated, his voice filled with despair.
It tore Trowa's heart out.
*Nobody can stop my turning to madness
No matter how you try to hold me in your heart*
"Quatre!" Trowa called out, hoping maybe his voice might bring Quatre back.
"T-Trowa.." Quatre stammered. "I'm sorry."
As Quatre spoke, his face appeared on the screen. It was hard to see him, though, the screen seemed to be smeared with some kind of liquid. Judging from Quatre's red eyes, it was most likely tears.
"Don't be sorry, Quatre." Trowa said, "You haven't done anything wrong. You just need to come back now."
"I'm sorry, Trowa," Quatre said again, "B-but I have to.. There's nothing I can do.."
"What's wrong?" Trowa asked, wanting desperately to hold Quatre in his arms, "If you tell us, it will be okay."
"No!" Quatre yelled, slamming his fist against the screen. The image was distorted for a moment, showing many Quatre's, all with bleeding hands, before turning black. "You need to leave," Quatre's voice continued, "Everything's going a..way. I don't want you to..become nothing.."
* Why do you wanna raise these walls?
I don't know the meaning of hatred*
"Why won't you tell me?" Trowa asked, raising his voice slightly from desperation, "You know I can't leave you!"
Sobs sounded over the communications. They were muffled, as if the person emitting them were covering their face to end them.
"I already hate myself." Quatre explained, "I couldn't bear you hating me too."
The words stung Trowa. How could he ever hate Quatre? "I could never hate you," Trowa replied, "..Not for anything."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Hiiro brought his Gundam up behind Quatre's very, very slowly, so Quatre wouldn't notice. If he could just disable Sandrock, everything would be okay.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
End of Chapter
Please review, if you have the time. Thanks for reading.