Desert Rose
Chapter 7: Blind
Kattie
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai but not much. It may become more later. Fairly confusing to begin with but it should make sense by the end.
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace bows.
*You are putting the scraps of life together
and trying to make an asylum for yourself*
What life there was, must cease to exist. Within this boy who was unsure of his existence. This boy who tried to kill himself and tried to keep himself from killing others. There was something within him, besides his heart, something contemptuous. This being that laughed as it gnawed at the boy's heart and felt delight in his pain.
His life must end. His existence must be questioned to the point of realization. The realization that living a half-alive existence was not truly living at all.
When one depended only on themselves, even with a lover to go home to, they could not truly be alive.
'Little boy, do you understand now? Do you understand what it is you are meant to do? You have such crimson hands. How long must you keep them beneath a faucet before the blood washes away?'
'Why do you punish yourself for that which you know you must have done? Why can't you understand what you really need to do? You are losing all sense of reality and surrendering to the pain around you.'
'Can't you remember what it is like within your beloved's arms? Having you noticed the tears of the ones you care about? The tears, not on their face, not born from the eyes, but the tears of a soul in torment. Are you really so blind that you haven't noticed?'
'Or are you afraid?'
'He must be afraid, the child.'
'He's half-dead already. He can't even move. I'm not sure he can even think anymore.'
'But is he capable of loving?'
'Of course. With all his being he loves.'
'Which is why he is not entirely dead.'
*You're hitting a bell at the edge of the stage
and
You are trying to kill me*
The voices were growing louder. There were so many of them, and all sounded so familiar. But no matter how hard he tried, Quatre could not place them. As loud as they were, he could not physically hear them. It was almost to the point of driving him insane.
Then again, wasn't he already insane?
'What am I doing?' Quatre asked, 'I can't see anything. Is that me? Am I the one holding the knife? Are my hands those pale hands covered in blood? Is that me?.... Is that me?....'
His eyes were closed and yet, Quatre could see everything. He could see the pilots watching him as he slashed around madly, flailing with his shortels. He could see the concern on their faces and the horror in their hearts.
On the Earth, he could see a little girl playing with a ball. She bounced against the wall and laughed as it came back to her. 'Mama says that my ball is loyal,' the girl thought, 'It just keeps coming back. She says it's not like daddy. 'Cause he's never coming back.' She bounced the ball again, but did not giggle at its return.
Somewhere in an alley, a woman was crying softly and leaning against the cold brick wall of one of the surrounding buildings. She wringed her wrists helplessly and tried in vain to wash some of the blood off of her forehead. It had been too long and she could no longer feel the pain of the shot. The only thing she was thinking about was how much money she'd been carrying and how much she'd loved that purse.
Quatre was like a lightning rod, bringing all of the sadness and anger in the world together. He took it all in like oxygen. Only this was far harder to breathe.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked the entity, quietly.
'You know perfectly well.'
"I don't want to die."
'Yes, you do.'
"Only because you are making it impossible to live.'
'It isn't me, it's you. The only thing bringing you this pain is your own self-righteousness and those people out there.'
"I don't want to die."
'It doesn't matter any more.'
*I believe in the madness called "Now"
Time goes flowing, breaking my heart*
It was almost impossible to breathe. Trowa found himself holding his breath every few minutes and had to remind himself to take a breath. He was spending so much time watching Quatre in silent horror, praying to whoever might listen that his love would be alright.
Once again, Sandrock had fallen silent. It'd finally stopped thrashing about as if trying to pull its own parts off. As if the machine itself could feel Quatre's pain and wished to end it for its kind pilot.
No wonder Quatre was feeling so alone. Even his Gundam wanted him to die.
Or maybe it was because no one had taken the time to help him. Although everyone had seen Quatre in pain, seen him try to hide it behind his caring smile, they had done nothing. Of course they'd asked him what was wrong and tried as hard as they could to get him to open up, they hadn't tried hard enough.
Quatre deserved better.
Every moment was unbearable. It was an insane universe of a nameless emotion. The emotion passed depression that caused people to commit suicide or commit mass murders. An emotion that enveloped the mind and soul and created a new person altogether.
No one can control someone other than themselves. Therefore, stopping this evil was impossible. You'd just have to sit back and pray you'd kill yourself soon, before someone else got hurt.
Quatre deserved better.
And then, time rushed towards Trowa and every minute gone by felt like less than a second. All of the words jumbled together and he felt so slow. Which was exactly what he was, too slow. He was too slow to help his beloved. Too slow to help him before things got so bad.
Quatre deserved better.
*Wanna live
Can't let my heart kill myself
Still I haven't found what I'm looking for*
There was something else. Quatre could almost touch it now. There was something he was forgetting. Something had been left out, but it must be remembered. It had to be remembered.
"Don't die," Quatre told himself, "You have to remember."
'It's too late. You've waited too long to save yourself now.'
"There's a reason you're living. You have to remember why." He continued.
'Try as you might, it will make no difference. You've already delivered the death blow to your heart.'
"I thought you said I didn't have a heart."
*Art of life
I try to stop myself
But my heart goes to destroy the truth*
'Of course you have a physical heart. But what the world 'heart' means has been forgotten to you. That it represents love is completely irrelevant as far as you're concerned. You think of it merely as another body part. Something that is used only for pumping blood through your useless veins.'
"But I have a heart."
'No, you don't!'
"It doesn't matter if I am a monster then. Even a monster has a soul. Even a monster bleeds and loves."
'YOU ARE HEARTLESS!'
"Even if you are 'me", you are the monster in me."
'I am a part of you as much as you are a part of me! But I am far stronger than you are, you frail child!'
"Why are you alone now?"
'Stop lying to yourself!'
*Tell me why
I want the meaning of my life
Do I try to live, Do I try to love
In my dream*
"Tell me what it is I have forgotten." Quatre asked the voice.
'There is nothing but what you now see.'
"Why do I live? What is the reason that I have forgotten? What is the meaning of my life?"
The other person was silent for a moment. When it answered, it no longer sounded in control, but more like it was giving up. 'Do you want to be here?'
"No."
'You could learn to love here. You could live here with me.'
"This isn't real."
'It seems real to me.'
"I couldn't truly live here."
'Why?'
"It isn't real."
'What is real?'
"That's what I will find out."
'..Leave then..'
"I will."
'But you will never be free. You will never know the meaning of your life, unless you learn it from me.'
"You're going to tell me."
'Perhaps I am.'
End of Chapter
This part of the song is followed by Yoshiki's beautiful piano solo. I thought it should be noted because it is a wonderful part of the song.
Please review if you have the time.
Chapter 7: Blind
Kattie
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai but not much. It may become more later. Fairly confusing to begin with but it should make sense by the end.
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace bows.
*You are putting the scraps of life together
and trying to make an asylum for yourself*
What life there was, must cease to exist. Within this boy who was unsure of his existence. This boy who tried to kill himself and tried to keep himself from killing others. There was something within him, besides his heart, something contemptuous. This being that laughed as it gnawed at the boy's heart and felt delight in his pain.
His life must end. His existence must be questioned to the point of realization. The realization that living a half-alive existence was not truly living at all.
When one depended only on themselves, even with a lover to go home to, they could not truly be alive.
'Little boy, do you understand now? Do you understand what it is you are meant to do? You have such crimson hands. How long must you keep them beneath a faucet before the blood washes away?'
'Why do you punish yourself for that which you know you must have done? Why can't you understand what you really need to do? You are losing all sense of reality and surrendering to the pain around you.'
'Can't you remember what it is like within your beloved's arms? Having you noticed the tears of the ones you care about? The tears, not on their face, not born from the eyes, but the tears of a soul in torment. Are you really so blind that you haven't noticed?'
'Or are you afraid?'
'He must be afraid, the child.'
'He's half-dead already. He can't even move. I'm not sure he can even think anymore.'
'But is he capable of loving?'
'Of course. With all his being he loves.'
'Which is why he is not entirely dead.'
*You're hitting a bell at the edge of the stage
and
You are trying to kill me*
The voices were growing louder. There were so many of them, and all sounded so familiar. But no matter how hard he tried, Quatre could not place them. As loud as they were, he could not physically hear them. It was almost to the point of driving him insane.
Then again, wasn't he already insane?
'What am I doing?' Quatre asked, 'I can't see anything. Is that me? Am I the one holding the knife? Are my hands those pale hands covered in blood? Is that me?.... Is that me?....'
His eyes were closed and yet, Quatre could see everything. He could see the pilots watching him as he slashed around madly, flailing with his shortels. He could see the concern on their faces and the horror in their hearts.
On the Earth, he could see a little girl playing with a ball. She bounced against the wall and laughed as it came back to her. 'Mama says that my ball is loyal,' the girl thought, 'It just keeps coming back. She says it's not like daddy. 'Cause he's never coming back.' She bounced the ball again, but did not giggle at its return.
Somewhere in an alley, a woman was crying softly and leaning against the cold brick wall of one of the surrounding buildings. She wringed her wrists helplessly and tried in vain to wash some of the blood off of her forehead. It had been too long and she could no longer feel the pain of the shot. The only thing she was thinking about was how much money she'd been carrying and how much she'd loved that purse.
Quatre was like a lightning rod, bringing all of the sadness and anger in the world together. He took it all in like oxygen. Only this was far harder to breathe.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked the entity, quietly.
'You know perfectly well.'
"I don't want to die."
'Yes, you do.'
"Only because you are making it impossible to live.'
'It isn't me, it's you. The only thing bringing you this pain is your own self-righteousness and those people out there.'
"I don't want to die."
'It doesn't matter any more.'
*I believe in the madness called "Now"
Time goes flowing, breaking my heart*
It was almost impossible to breathe. Trowa found himself holding his breath every few minutes and had to remind himself to take a breath. He was spending so much time watching Quatre in silent horror, praying to whoever might listen that his love would be alright.
Once again, Sandrock had fallen silent. It'd finally stopped thrashing about as if trying to pull its own parts off. As if the machine itself could feel Quatre's pain and wished to end it for its kind pilot.
No wonder Quatre was feeling so alone. Even his Gundam wanted him to die.
Or maybe it was because no one had taken the time to help him. Although everyone had seen Quatre in pain, seen him try to hide it behind his caring smile, they had done nothing. Of course they'd asked him what was wrong and tried as hard as they could to get him to open up, they hadn't tried hard enough.
Quatre deserved better.
Every moment was unbearable. It was an insane universe of a nameless emotion. The emotion passed depression that caused people to commit suicide or commit mass murders. An emotion that enveloped the mind and soul and created a new person altogether.
No one can control someone other than themselves. Therefore, stopping this evil was impossible. You'd just have to sit back and pray you'd kill yourself soon, before someone else got hurt.
Quatre deserved better.
And then, time rushed towards Trowa and every minute gone by felt like less than a second. All of the words jumbled together and he felt so slow. Which was exactly what he was, too slow. He was too slow to help his beloved. Too slow to help him before things got so bad.
Quatre deserved better.
*Wanna live
Can't let my heart kill myself
Still I haven't found what I'm looking for*
There was something else. Quatre could almost touch it now. There was something he was forgetting. Something had been left out, but it must be remembered. It had to be remembered.
"Don't die," Quatre told himself, "You have to remember."
'It's too late. You've waited too long to save yourself now.'
"There's a reason you're living. You have to remember why." He continued.
'Try as you might, it will make no difference. You've already delivered the death blow to your heart.'
"I thought you said I didn't have a heart."
*Art of life
I try to stop myself
But my heart goes to destroy the truth*
'Of course you have a physical heart. But what the world 'heart' means has been forgotten to you. That it represents love is completely irrelevant as far as you're concerned. You think of it merely as another body part. Something that is used only for pumping blood through your useless veins.'
"But I have a heart."
'No, you don't!'
"It doesn't matter if I am a monster then. Even a monster has a soul. Even a monster bleeds and loves."
'YOU ARE HEARTLESS!'
"Even if you are 'me", you are the monster in me."
'I am a part of you as much as you are a part of me! But I am far stronger than you are, you frail child!'
"Why are you alone now?"
'Stop lying to yourself!'
*Tell me why
I want the meaning of my life
Do I try to live, Do I try to love
In my dream*
"Tell me what it is I have forgotten." Quatre asked the voice.
'There is nothing but what you now see.'
"Why do I live? What is the reason that I have forgotten? What is the meaning of my life?"
The other person was silent for a moment. When it answered, it no longer sounded in control, but more like it was giving up. 'Do you want to be here?'
"No."
'You could learn to love here. You could live here with me.'
"This isn't real."
'It seems real to me.'
"I couldn't truly live here."
'Why?'
"It isn't real."
'What is real?'
"That's what I will find out."
'..Leave then..'
"I will."
'But you will never be free. You will never know the meaning of your life, unless you learn it from me.'
"You're going to tell me."
'Perhaps I am.'
End of Chapter
This part of the song is followed by Yoshiki's beautiful piano solo. I thought it should be noted because it is a wonderful part of the song.
Please review if you have the time.