Desert Rose (Unbeta-ed version)
Chapter 8: What I'm Looking For
Kattie
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.
Warning: Major angst. More shounen ai than before, but still not much. It may become more in the next few chaptres. Fairly confusing but now it should begin to make sense.
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace bows.
* I'm breaking the wall inside my heart
I just wanna let my emotions get out*
Something inside of Quatre's chest seemed to burn in a strange but comforting sensation. It was like the feeling of having a present and knowing you could not open it until another day. A strange sensation of knowing you will soon be the happiest person you are able to be and the anticipation of the moment before.
'Are you sure this isn't real enough for you?'
Something in the tone that the voice now used caused Quatre to hesitate. Was he sure? Did he in fact know if where he was going was the true world? Would the truth set him free to a Hellish world of dark specters and pain? Or would he be set forth into a place untainted by the faults of humanity? Was it worth the risk?
'No one can ever be completely sure..'
'Then you can know reality.'
Suddenly, Quatre was crying, laughing, dreaming, hating, fearing, loving, cursing, smiling and frowning all at once. The emotions he had so long suppressed came out in a wave of weakness or, possibly, strength.
It came with a wave of revelation.
* Nobody can stop
I'm running to freedom
No matter how you try to hold me in your world*
"I've told you," Koe, the voice, said, gaining reality and a name, "Do you really need to leave now? You could stay here.. with me.."
"I have to leave you," Quatre explained, "You need to go home now."
Koe reached his translucent hand out and attempted to caress Quatre's face but without a true form, he was unable to touch Quatre's existence. "But I can't leave. Without a body.. Without really being here.. How can I have a place to call my home?"
Smiling kindly, Quatre took Koe's hand in his own, able to see the unreal and accept it for what it truly was. "You need to leave this world. This isn't where you are meant to be."
"I have to redeem myself."
"You've done enough."
"I can't allow you to forgive me yet."
"I have every reason to forgive you."
"I don't want to leave.. I don't want to leave...you.. You should stay with me.. Forever."
* Like a doll carried by the flow of time
I sacrificed the present moment for the future*
"Why won't you let me hate you?" Koe asked, "It would be much easier if you'd just let me hate you!"
For a moment, Quatre fell silent, as if pondering over the correct response. "Why don't you hate me? I'm not keeping you from-"
"Of course you are!" Koe screamed, "How can anyone keep themselves from loving you?! I tried to hate you! I tried hating so hard that you ended up hating yourself through my efforts! You hurt yourself through my rage and were temporarily unable to show true love because of my jealousy!"
"J-jealousy?"
"In one sentence you stole my life away! You made all over loves seem insignificant and the next moment I was gone because of my own foolish pride! Even in this world I continued to love you and hate myself for it but you.. You continued to love him.."
"What are you-"
"It isn't too hard to understand why you would choose him. I'm merely a voice in your head, aren't I? A figment of your imagination created by past events. That's what you think I am, isn't it? Just because I'm dead you think I'm unworthy of your heart, your undivided heart! I want your love and no one else can share it!"
"W-what?"
"Damn it! Why couldn't you kill them? You couldn't kill any of them, could you? Even as a medium for my jealousy and feigned hatred you were unable to bring yourself to kill them. You could have at least killed him. That would have been enough.."
"I.."
"It takes more than one person to drive a man insane, Quatre. Did you really think that you'd brought this upon yourself?"
".."
* I was in chains of memory half-blinded
Losing my heart, walking in the sea of dreams*
"You remembered me, Quatre," Koe continued, "but it wasn't enough. You remember everyone you are forced kill in battle. I don't want to be just another face you spend sleepless nights mourning over! Why couldn't you mourn me as you would mourn a lost lover? Why am I so unworthy of your love?
"I asked myself this time and time again and finally came to one conclusion. It had to be him. The ones you love. The one you love.. With him.. Them.. I was insignificant..
"Did you never realize that no one wanted to hurt you? When you're calm, kind voice came over the communications asking me to surrender, didn't you realize that that was precisely what I wanted to do? I wanted to throw my weapon down and say, 'I surrender'. Didn't you realize that I had actually surrendered in soul? I'd surrendered my heart to you, Quatre. I couldn't do anything else!
"But I had orders. It was the hardest decision of my life. To chose between my new found love and duty. I wanted to join you Quatre! I wanted to join you in fighting against my comrades, against all odds! But the chances of you winning were so slim.. I couldn't throw my life.. My family away.. Just because I thought I'd fallen in love with you!
"So I convinced myself that you were a fraud. I convinced myself that you were trying to make me love you so that you could easily defeat me. I tried to hate you! And as I attacked you and you in turn, destroyed me, I screamed at you. Didn't you hear my words as I was dying?
'I don't want to die'
'I want to see the cherry blossoms of spring again'
'What gives you the right to live? The right to kill me, so you can live? I'm a person too. I have a family, a home, a life. or.. I did. Not anymore'
'Selfish, that's what you all are! You think you're the only people in the world. That people like me don't count. We're just like a sandcastle on a beach. You push us with the waves of your hatred until finally we come crashing down and wash away. Selfish'
'You know what the saddest part is? When I'm dead you'll go home and brag to your friends. 'Yeah,' you'll say, 'I killed a man today''
'I can't die like this.. I don't want to die'
"Do you remember, Quatre?"
End of Chapter
Do you remember? Look back at Desert Rose Chapters 1-3 and make the connection ^.~ This took a lot of planning, so I hope you enjoyed it.
Please review, if you have the time ^_^.
2-3 chapters left!
Chapter 8: What I'm Looking For
Kattie
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.
Warning: Major angst. More shounen ai than before, but still not much. It may become more in the next few chaptres. Fairly confusing but now it should begin to make sense.
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace bows.
* I'm breaking the wall inside my heart
I just wanna let my emotions get out*
Something inside of Quatre's chest seemed to burn in a strange but comforting sensation. It was like the feeling of having a present and knowing you could not open it until another day. A strange sensation of knowing you will soon be the happiest person you are able to be and the anticipation of the moment before.
'Are you sure this isn't real enough for you?'
Something in the tone that the voice now used caused Quatre to hesitate. Was he sure? Did he in fact know if where he was going was the true world? Would the truth set him free to a Hellish world of dark specters and pain? Or would he be set forth into a place untainted by the faults of humanity? Was it worth the risk?
'No one can ever be completely sure..'
'Then you can know reality.'
Suddenly, Quatre was crying, laughing, dreaming, hating, fearing, loving, cursing, smiling and frowning all at once. The emotions he had so long suppressed came out in a wave of weakness or, possibly, strength.
It came with a wave of revelation.
* Nobody can stop
I'm running to freedom
No matter how you try to hold me in your world*
"I've told you," Koe, the voice, said, gaining reality and a name, "Do you really need to leave now? You could stay here.. with me.."
"I have to leave you," Quatre explained, "You need to go home now."
Koe reached his translucent hand out and attempted to caress Quatre's face but without a true form, he was unable to touch Quatre's existence. "But I can't leave. Without a body.. Without really being here.. How can I have a place to call my home?"
Smiling kindly, Quatre took Koe's hand in his own, able to see the unreal and accept it for what it truly was. "You need to leave this world. This isn't where you are meant to be."
"I have to redeem myself."
"You've done enough."
"I can't allow you to forgive me yet."
"I have every reason to forgive you."
"I don't want to leave.. I don't want to leave...you.. You should stay with me.. Forever."
* Like a doll carried by the flow of time
I sacrificed the present moment for the future*
"Why won't you let me hate you?" Koe asked, "It would be much easier if you'd just let me hate you!"
For a moment, Quatre fell silent, as if pondering over the correct response. "Why don't you hate me? I'm not keeping you from-"
"Of course you are!" Koe screamed, "How can anyone keep themselves from loving you?! I tried to hate you! I tried hating so hard that you ended up hating yourself through my efforts! You hurt yourself through my rage and were temporarily unable to show true love because of my jealousy!"
"J-jealousy?"
"In one sentence you stole my life away! You made all over loves seem insignificant and the next moment I was gone because of my own foolish pride! Even in this world I continued to love you and hate myself for it but you.. You continued to love him.."
"What are you-"
"It isn't too hard to understand why you would choose him. I'm merely a voice in your head, aren't I? A figment of your imagination created by past events. That's what you think I am, isn't it? Just because I'm dead you think I'm unworthy of your heart, your undivided heart! I want your love and no one else can share it!"
"W-what?"
"Damn it! Why couldn't you kill them? You couldn't kill any of them, could you? Even as a medium for my jealousy and feigned hatred you were unable to bring yourself to kill them. You could have at least killed him. That would have been enough.."
"I.."
"It takes more than one person to drive a man insane, Quatre. Did you really think that you'd brought this upon yourself?"
".."
* I was in chains of memory half-blinded
Losing my heart, walking in the sea of dreams*
"You remembered me, Quatre," Koe continued, "but it wasn't enough. You remember everyone you are forced kill in battle. I don't want to be just another face you spend sleepless nights mourning over! Why couldn't you mourn me as you would mourn a lost lover? Why am I so unworthy of your love?
"I asked myself this time and time again and finally came to one conclusion. It had to be him. The ones you love. The one you love.. With him.. Them.. I was insignificant..
"Did you never realize that no one wanted to hurt you? When you're calm, kind voice came over the communications asking me to surrender, didn't you realize that that was precisely what I wanted to do? I wanted to throw my weapon down and say, 'I surrender'. Didn't you realize that I had actually surrendered in soul? I'd surrendered my heart to you, Quatre. I couldn't do anything else!
"But I had orders. It was the hardest decision of my life. To chose between my new found love and duty. I wanted to join you Quatre! I wanted to join you in fighting against my comrades, against all odds! But the chances of you winning were so slim.. I couldn't throw my life.. My family away.. Just because I thought I'd fallen in love with you!
"So I convinced myself that you were a fraud. I convinced myself that you were trying to make me love you so that you could easily defeat me. I tried to hate you! And as I attacked you and you in turn, destroyed me, I screamed at you. Didn't you hear my words as I was dying?
'I don't want to die'
'I want to see the cherry blossoms of spring again'
'What gives you the right to live? The right to kill me, so you can live? I'm a person too. I have a family, a home, a life. or.. I did. Not anymore'
'Selfish, that's what you all are! You think you're the only people in the world. That people like me don't count. We're just like a sandcastle on a beach. You push us with the waves of your hatred until finally we come crashing down and wash away. Selfish'
'You know what the saddest part is? When I'm dead you'll go home and brag to your friends. 'Yeah,' you'll say, 'I killed a man today''
'I can't die like this.. I don't want to die'
"Do you remember, Quatre?"
End of Chapter
Do you remember? Look back at Desert Rose Chapters 1-3 and make the connection ^.~ This took a lot of planning, so I hope you enjoyed it.
Please review, if you have the time ^_^.
2-3 chapters left!