Disclaimer: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation does not belong to me. The characters are full of inspiration, intelligence, and intrigue that I can't help but borrow them a short while. I heartily enjoy the show and its premise. The events of this story are mine, but the characters are definitely not.

Author's Note: This is for b8kworm. Thank you for watching CSI in the first place. Thank you for getting me hooked. You know that I'll make you sorry for it.

Archives: ShipperworldCSI, Working Love, mine. Anybody else, email me. I like to go visiting.

Pairing(s): Gil/Catherine

Spoiler: "The Accused Is Entitled"

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Title: To Lose Control

Author: Laeta
E-mail: ladylaeta@yahoo.com


Chapter 2: In An Act Of Faith

Emotionally exhausted, her tears followed a path dictated by gravity. He held and soothed her the best he could for the long minutes it took for her fear to loosen its hold.

When she finally lay quiet in an exhaustive state, he gently extracted himself from Catherine's desperate grasp and coaxed her to stretch out along the length of the couch. He rose and went to find a washcloth. Returning with it slightly soaked with cool water, he sat before Catherine and began to dab her face. His goal was to simultaneously remove the few remaining tears as they ran their course as well as to alleviate the tension still lining her face.

Her breathing slowed gradually but her body language told Grissom that she was still far from the complete relaxation found only in sleep. He reached to place the damp washcloth on the table and, without thinking, began to run a tentative hand through her hair.

They remained as such while an idea formed in Grissom's mind. He contemplated Catherine while wondering if it was the right thing to do. There was a time in his life when she helped him to give up control. It was an act of faith on his part but, ultimately, it was the only thing that saved his life.

"Cath?"

No verbal response. She shifted and some of her hair fell over her face. A wry, small smile flitted across Grissom's face; he leaned forward to brush the hair out of her face.

"Cath, look at me."

Clear eyes gazed back at him seconds later. His finger caressed the line of her jaw as his hand withdrew from her hair. It felt skin cooled from the washcloth; he felt electricity jolt down his arm.

Refocusing, he said, "Don't interrupt me until I've finished. Okay?"

A nod and those eyes reflected confusion. He laid a finger across her lips.

"Remember, wait until I've finished."

Grissom paused to take a moment to gather his thoughts; he needed to explain in a way so she would not refuse. If he did it right, she could not refuse.

"Somebody once told me that I had an issue with control. She accused me of being incapable of giving it up, that I needed it. Her exact words were: 'You need control to manage control.' This same person also told me that I had to give it up because I was at a point in my life where I was not a pleasant man to know. I admit I was a mess."

In hindsight, he had had plenty of reasons to be a miserable man. They say that misery loves company but he was bent on keeping his pain to himself. Instead, he kept everything bottled inside and presented a neutral face to the world. He honestly did not know any other way to act when he lost, at that time, the most important thing in his life. Thankfully, he had someone else who, unknowingly, took that place when she saved him from himself.

"Now, I know that same person went through a very similar experience in her past. At that point, I was ready to throw her out of this place. You know what she did?"

Catherine could only give a little smile. She did know. A matching smile graced Grissom's intent face.

"She planted herself in that chair over there and told me that I needed to lose control. The fact was that everything I ever did was to gain control over life. It's so unpredictable. Do you remember how angry I was with you? That you could just waltz into my life and tell me what I needed and what I should do?"

She nodded, still respecting his wish for her silence until the end. Very slowly, he raised his hand from where it had been resting in his lap and again entwined his fingers through hers. He needed to feel her to know that she was still actually there with him as well as wanting to touch her.

"But you saved my life that day when you told me that I needed to 'lose complete control to gain it back again'. It was sort of an oxymoron on life. I was stuck in between having control and losing it completely. I couldn't go back in time to keep it, so I had to finish the job. 'Lose complete control to gain it back again'."

The tears were back but not as desperate. She never knew the extent to which she had helped him that day. She only knew Grissom was back to what passed as normal for him.

"You took me to Route 66 and just stepped on the accelerator. I was at your mercy as we headed east. I couldn't tell you to slow down or to be careful at the turns. I was forced to trust you to keep us from killing ourselves at those speeds and I still trust you, Cath, with my life. All because you took away my control. Now, let me do the same for you."

"Is that why you ride rollercoasters?"

"Well, I couldn't always keep asking you to take a weekend and drive me to Ohio at some ludicrous speed. But you were right; I needed to feel the loss of control once in a while to live. So, yes, I rode rollercoasters. I had to trust the car, the track, and gravity to keep from death."

"Gil - you were always such a morbid man."

"Only because you know me so well, Cath."

She sat up slowly as she thought about Grissom's idea. Their hands still entwined ended up in her lap as he watched her eyes for an answer. It would be all too easy to give herself to Grissom, figuratively, of course. The only she needed to do was to have faith that he would keep her safe. Who was she kidding? If anything did not, his tenderness that morning spoke volumes.

"This wouldn't be an act of faith for me, Gil. I already trust you."

"Then give me your control. Let me give it back to you."

"You still have Tse?"

Standing quickly, he used his hold on her hand to bring her into the circle of his arms. She may not have said yes explicitly, but who else would know that name?

TBC - Chapter 3: Tse X2

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© RK 11.Nov.2002