Desert Rose
Chapter 9: Outside My Mind
Kattie
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.
Warning: Extreme angst. This chapter may have the most angst yet. More shounen ai than before, but only through emotion. It may become more in the next few chapters. Perhaps it makes sense now?
Dedication: This is still dedicated to Hide. Forever love. bows
*Close my eyes
Rose breathes I can hear
All love and sadness melt in my heart*
Squeezing his eyes closed as tight as possible, Quatre tried in vain to stop his tears from coming once again. He attempted to slow his breathing but as hard as he tried to hide them, the sobs made themselves free anyway. All encircling space blurred into a spiral of colors.
"Do you remember, Quatre?"
Although he could no longer distinguish anything specific around him, Quatre knew that it was Koe speaking to him. His voice had gone softer, but seemed on the verge of cracking. Subconsciously, Quatre wondered how long Koe would be able to hold in his own tears.
"Of course I do," Quatre's unsteady voice replied, "Because I tried so hard to forget."
"You shouldn't forget, Quatre. These events have become a part of you, whether you wish them to be or not. Though you may think they are weakening you and making you a lesser person, they are actually making you stronger. Living through pain and regret helps you to see the future more clearly."
Quatre could sense Koe's arms around him, trying to touch him, but all that he could feel was the coldness of a being not meant to be in the world of the living. But there was something else. Something beyond physical impression. There was an emotion enveloping him that was unlike any he'd ever felt before. It was an emotion he himself had never experienced.
Jealousy.
Koe's entire existence was consumed this negative emotion. It seemed to be what was driving him to remain real. Without this emotion there was almost nothing. There was only one more thing keeping him from fading into a world of nihility. Revenge.
Vengeance powered his soul like a fire of passion. It burned him and threw him onward. It brought strength to continue, even through death. Nothing would stop him from completing this mission, Quatre was sure of this. This specter would continue on until it had concluded its one last objective.
Hadn't Koe mentioned jealousy? Jealousy to the point of wanting reprisal?
'But who was he jealous of?' In his state of mind, Quatre couldn't remember who it was. In fact, there wasn't much he could remember any more.
"You're growing cold, Quatre," Koe said, his voice sounding like a faint breeze brushing against a flower, "Does this mean you wish to join me?"
*Dry my tears
Wipe my bloody face
I wanna feel me living my life
outside my mind*
'No,' Quatre realized, 'There's something else.' Digging further into the essence of Koe's being, Quatre found what he had feared.
Lust, anger, recklessness, someone who knew what they wanted and would do anything to get it. And, as far as Quatre could tell, there was only one thing that this man wanted. Upon learning, he pulled himself out from within Koe's metaphysical arms. "Why are you doing this?" Quatre asked, stepping to the back of his cockpit, away from Koe.
For a moment, Koe seemed surprised and somewhat insulted but as it passed, his expression changed to one of hurt. "What do you mean?"
"Why?" Quatre questioned a second time, "Why are you trying to use me?"
This time, Koe's emotions were as clear as the garments he wore. Rage and lust surfaced and what he had promised was love showed its true colors. However, his voice remained calm and still, not matching his expression or his outraged air. "Only for a few minutes and then it will be all over. I'm not trying to use you for my own purposes. You know this isn't where you belong."
"No!" Quatre cried in protest, "You can't do that!"
A sinister smile came to Koe's lips and he shook his head mockingly. "Of course I can. You know you'll let me, Quatre. Only an empath could lose them in an emotion. Through my emotions, you will do exactly what I want. I only wish I'd still been alive when I realized this."
"No!" Quatre screamed, backing away even further so that his back was pressed against the escape latch, "You.You can't!"
"It's for love, Quatre. You know you'll let me."
"Never!"
"Isn't the guilt already beginning to swell in your chest?"
"No!"
"I know it is."
"I'm stronger than you!"
*Dreams can make me mad
I can't leave my dream
I can't stop myself*
Trowa listened intensely as his lover continued to speak to the man who had somehow gotten into the cockpit with him. His eyed glistened with tears but his face remained untouched by the liquid of his soul. A smile came to his lips as he heard the next words Quatre uttered.
"I'm stronger than you!"
"You are, Quatre," Trowa whispered with pride, although he was the only one who could hear himself anyway, "You're stronger than anyone. Remember that and you will be fine. I'm waiting for you."
He continued to listen as their argument continued.
".." The voice didn't seem to know how to react to Quatre's show of strength and so remained silent until the response came to him, "You don't believe that. I will always be stronger than you because you will never accept yourself."
"You're wrong," Quatre replied, "You aren't real."
"I'm as real as you make me to be, Quatre. As long as you remember me, as long as you can see or hear me, I will be as real as you are. With your belief, I can take a physical form. You touched me, Quatre. That makes me real."
"I won't let you do this."
"Are you listening?"
"What?"
"Not you. Are you listening, one who has gained this boy's love?"
Trowa's heart pounded double time in his chest and then seemed to stop completely. Why would the voice be speaking to him? Unless..
"No!" Trowa tried, "Don't!"
Quatre's voice answered a confused and stuttered word. "What?"
There was the sound of his voice slamming against the wall and his breathing quickening. "What are you doing?" Quatre asked meekly.
"You better come quickly, unworthy one, or I will take your lover with me to the next world."
Literally hearing his heart pounding in his head, Trowa began to pull on his spacesuit as fast as possible. He could hear Quatre gasping for air and feel his fear and confusion.
"Trowa," He squeaked, "Don't come.."
But Trowa was already on his way.
End of Chapter
Hn.. I'd say still about 2 or three chapters left. I didn't get very far in the lyrics this chapter. Hope you enjoyed.
Chapter 9: Outside My Mind
Kattie
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.
Warning: Extreme angst. This chapter may have the most angst yet. More shounen ai than before, but only through emotion. It may become more in the next few chapters. Perhaps it makes sense now?
Dedication: This is still dedicated to Hide. Forever love. bows
*Close my eyes
Rose breathes I can hear
All love and sadness melt in my heart*
Squeezing his eyes closed as tight as possible, Quatre tried in vain to stop his tears from coming once again. He attempted to slow his breathing but as hard as he tried to hide them, the sobs made themselves free anyway. All encircling space blurred into a spiral of colors.
"Do you remember, Quatre?"
Although he could no longer distinguish anything specific around him, Quatre knew that it was Koe speaking to him. His voice had gone softer, but seemed on the verge of cracking. Subconsciously, Quatre wondered how long Koe would be able to hold in his own tears.
"Of course I do," Quatre's unsteady voice replied, "Because I tried so hard to forget."
"You shouldn't forget, Quatre. These events have become a part of you, whether you wish them to be or not. Though you may think they are weakening you and making you a lesser person, they are actually making you stronger. Living through pain and regret helps you to see the future more clearly."
Quatre could sense Koe's arms around him, trying to touch him, but all that he could feel was the coldness of a being not meant to be in the world of the living. But there was something else. Something beyond physical impression. There was an emotion enveloping him that was unlike any he'd ever felt before. It was an emotion he himself had never experienced.
Jealousy.
Koe's entire existence was consumed this negative emotion. It seemed to be what was driving him to remain real. Without this emotion there was almost nothing. There was only one more thing keeping him from fading into a world of nihility. Revenge.
Vengeance powered his soul like a fire of passion. It burned him and threw him onward. It brought strength to continue, even through death. Nothing would stop him from completing this mission, Quatre was sure of this. This specter would continue on until it had concluded its one last objective.
Hadn't Koe mentioned jealousy? Jealousy to the point of wanting reprisal?
'But who was he jealous of?' In his state of mind, Quatre couldn't remember who it was. In fact, there wasn't much he could remember any more.
"You're growing cold, Quatre," Koe said, his voice sounding like a faint breeze brushing against a flower, "Does this mean you wish to join me?"
*Dry my tears
Wipe my bloody face
I wanna feel me living my life
outside my mind*
'No,' Quatre realized, 'There's something else.' Digging further into the essence of Koe's being, Quatre found what he had feared.
Lust, anger, recklessness, someone who knew what they wanted and would do anything to get it. And, as far as Quatre could tell, there was only one thing that this man wanted. Upon learning, he pulled himself out from within Koe's metaphysical arms. "Why are you doing this?" Quatre asked, stepping to the back of his cockpit, away from Koe.
For a moment, Koe seemed surprised and somewhat insulted but as it passed, his expression changed to one of hurt. "What do you mean?"
"Why?" Quatre questioned a second time, "Why are you trying to use me?"
This time, Koe's emotions were as clear as the garments he wore. Rage and lust surfaced and what he had promised was love showed its true colors. However, his voice remained calm and still, not matching his expression or his outraged air. "Only for a few minutes and then it will be all over. I'm not trying to use you for my own purposes. You know this isn't where you belong."
"No!" Quatre cried in protest, "You can't do that!"
A sinister smile came to Koe's lips and he shook his head mockingly. "Of course I can. You know you'll let me, Quatre. Only an empath could lose them in an emotion. Through my emotions, you will do exactly what I want. I only wish I'd still been alive when I realized this."
"No!" Quatre screamed, backing away even further so that his back was pressed against the escape latch, "You.You can't!"
"It's for love, Quatre. You know you'll let me."
"Never!"
"Isn't the guilt already beginning to swell in your chest?"
"No!"
"I know it is."
"I'm stronger than you!"
*Dreams can make me mad
I can't leave my dream
I can't stop myself*
Trowa listened intensely as his lover continued to speak to the man who had somehow gotten into the cockpit with him. His eyed glistened with tears but his face remained untouched by the liquid of his soul. A smile came to his lips as he heard the next words Quatre uttered.
"I'm stronger than you!"
"You are, Quatre," Trowa whispered with pride, although he was the only one who could hear himself anyway, "You're stronger than anyone. Remember that and you will be fine. I'm waiting for you."
He continued to listen as their argument continued.
".." The voice didn't seem to know how to react to Quatre's show of strength and so remained silent until the response came to him, "You don't believe that. I will always be stronger than you because you will never accept yourself."
"You're wrong," Quatre replied, "You aren't real."
"I'm as real as you make me to be, Quatre. As long as you remember me, as long as you can see or hear me, I will be as real as you are. With your belief, I can take a physical form. You touched me, Quatre. That makes me real."
"I won't let you do this."
"Are you listening?"
"What?"
"Not you. Are you listening, one who has gained this boy's love?"
Trowa's heart pounded double time in his chest and then seemed to stop completely. Why would the voice be speaking to him? Unless..
"No!" Trowa tried, "Don't!"
Quatre's voice answered a confused and stuttered word. "What?"
There was the sound of his voice slamming against the wall and his breathing quickening. "What are you doing?" Quatre asked meekly.
"You better come quickly, unworthy one, or I will take your lover with me to the next world."
Literally hearing his heart pounding in his head, Trowa began to pull on his spacesuit as fast as possible. He could hear Quatre gasping for air and feel his fear and confusion.
"Trowa," He squeaked, "Don't come.."
But Trowa was already on his way.
End of Chapter
Hn.. I'd say still about 2 or three chapters left. I didn't get very far in the lyrics this chapter. Hope you enjoyed.