CHAPTER 3

It was Miral's first birthday and it was the first anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant. It was a day special enough to make Chakotay return to Earth from Planet Kerasom. For the past eight months he had been a consultant on an archaeological excavation there. It was a very different life to the one he had lived on Voyager. In many ways it was an easier life. There were no life or death decisions to be made and all he had to worry about was whether landslides or torrential rain would delay excavations. Kerasom was a wet planet with an unstable surface. History and science said that was why life had eventually become extinct there. Chakotay had no idea what was planned to celebrate the anniversary of Voyager's return, if anything, as he hadn't been in contact with anyone since he had left Earth. The first few months after returning to the Alpha Quadrant had been difficult for him. He and Seven had gone their separate ways and he couldn't find a place on Earth where he really belonged. It was the story of his life. Once he and the other Maquis had been exonerated, he had tried to go back to his native planet, tried to resume life there, but there was too little to do that stimulated his mind. There were also too many memories, too many ghosts. When the offer of a place on the Kerasom expedition came, he accepted it. For the most part he had enjoyed the challenge. But he still felt incomplete. He longed for something more. He longed for Kathryn Janeway. He missed her smile, missed her laughter, missed the sound of her raspy voice. He missed everything about her. He had been a fool to think anyone could ever take the place of her in his heart. He had loved her for seven years and he loved her still. But it was too late for them, it always had been. Now it seemed they couldn't even be friends.

It was raining now as Chakotay approached Tom and B'Elanna's house. It was an old house, dating back to the twentieth century, and was secluded in the farm country of Indiana. Chakotay walked up the stone path towards the front door and was glad of the canopy above it to shelter himself from the rain. He rang the door bell and waited to see if someone would answer. He couldn't tell from the exterior whether anyone was in or not. If no one was in, he would put Miral's birthday card through the old style letter box and write on the back of the envelope that he would be back with a present later. However, that effort wasn't necessary. Moments later the door opened and he stood face to face with B'Elanna who held little Miral in her arms.

"Chakotay," she smiled. "This is a surprise. Come in."

Chakotay stepped inside. The warm air was comforting. "I've just come to wish this little one a happy birthday," he smiled. "I won't stay long."

"You're not getting away that easily, big guy," B'Elanna replied. "We haven't talked for months. I've a lot to tell you." She began to walk towards an open door. "Come on, let's go through to the living room."

Chakotay followed her through into the living room and pulled off his black bag from his shoulder. He pulled out a little box wrapped in gold paper and a card. Once they were in the living room and B'Elanna had put Miral down on the floor, he handed them to B'Elanna. She took them with a smile and a thank you and told him to take a seat. He sat down on a very comfortable looking brown sofa.

"Would you like something to eat or drink?"

"No, thank you," Chakotay replied. "I'll get a meal at the hotel when I get back."

"You're staying in a hotel?"

"The Thistle."

"But that's ridiculous. We've plenty of room here."

"I couldn't impose."

"It would hardly be an imposition."

"Really, I'm..."

"No excuses, Chakotay. You're staying here."

Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes at the kindness. "Thank you."

Miral pulled at Chakotay's trousers and B'Elanna lifted the child on to her knee. "You must forgive her bad habits," she smiled. "Blame Tom."

Chakotay laughed. "How is he these days?"

"As crazy as ever. He's working on his second Captain Proton holonovel. He's worse than a kid with it." She paused and approached the next subject hesitantly. "As much as I appreciate it, you haven't come here just to wish Miral a happy birthday, have you?"

"No," he replied honestly. "It's the first anniversary of our return to the Alpha Quadrant and I thought there may be something special arranged."

"I think there would have been in normal circumstances, but without Kathryn there, it wouldn't have been much of a party."

Chakotay's stomach began to somersault. "What do you mean without Kathryn?"

"There's been a lot happening in her life," B'Elanna began. "There's no way she would be well enough to attend a party."

Then at least she was alive. For a moment, a terrible moment... He took a deep breath, calming himself. "What's wrong with her?"

B'Elanna hesitated again and was as gentle as she could be with the words. "Five months after we got back, she found out she was pregnant with Jaffen's child."

Chakotay's eyes widened and it was a moment before he spoke. "Pregnant?"

B'Elanna nodded. "She gave birth to a son last week."

Chakotay ran his hand through his hair and tried to absorb this. Kathryn pregnant? Kathryn with a son? It couldn't be true. Either he was dreaming or had somehow walked into an alternate reality.

"There were some serious complications and it was touch and go for a while whether Kathryn would make it. Apparently she was physically dead for some minutes."

Blood drained out of Chakotay's face. "But she's going to be alright?"

B'Elanna smiled reassuringly. "She's going to be fine. She's still in hospital but the doctors say she should be able to go home next week."

Chakotay averted his eyes and fought back the tears. He couldn't believe all this had been happening to Kathryn and he had known nothing about it. He should have been there for her.

"The baby's going to be fine too," B'Elanna added.

"I'll have to go and see her," Chakotay said after a moment.

"She would like that. She's really missed you."

"And I've missed her," he whispered. More than she could ever know.

Kathryn watched the EMH gaze absently out of the window of her private room. Something was troubling him and she had a good idea what it was.

"You're thinking what I've been thinking, aren't you?"

The Doctor turned slowly to her. "What do you mean?"

"You're thinking about what happened in the Admiral's timeline. You're thinking what would have happened if we were still on Voyager. You're wondering whether it would have been the same."

He turned back to the window. "It would have been the same," he replied. "It would have been the same choice. You or the baby. It took two doctors to save you both. On Voyager there would only have been me. I would have had to make the choice, you or the baby." He paused. "And for the sake of the crew, I would have saved you."

Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes and she turned to her precious baby lying so helplessly in his incubator. I'd have to tell you more than you'd want to know. She couldn't imagine the pain the Admiral had suffered. Voyager had cost her so much, even the life of her child. She finally understood why she had chosen that moment of time to return too. Modifying the slip stream technology would perhaps depend on too many variables. The Borg transwarp hub was their only real chance of making it home. By choosing that particular moment, she would get her beloved crew home and save the life of her baby aswell.

She turned away from the incubator and looked once more at the Doctor.

"As you said, Doctor. We can only speculate about the Admiral's timeline. She gave her life so that all the terrible things that happened in her timeline never would. She wouldn't want that terrible future to influence ours. And I can say that with all certainty because she was me."

The Doctor turned to her slowly and there was tears in his holographic eyes.

"I couldn't have got through the past few months without you, Doctor. Don't punish yourself about what could have been. Take pride in what has."

Afternoon visiting hours were almost over when Chakotay arrived at the hospital. He wasn't sure he would still be allowed to see Kathryn, but a kind nurse showed him the way to her room. He carried a large bouquet of flowers in one arm and a soft white teddy bear in the other. At last they came to Kathryn's room and the nurse opened the door for him to go in.

Inside, Kathryn was almost asleep. She still very weak and was always exhausted after visiting hours. So many people had come to see her over the past week. Almost every single member of Voyager's crew, including Tuvok and his wife who had made the journey from Vulcan especially. For some reason he was greatly perplexed by the turn of events, finding it "curious" and "baffling" how Jaffen could have fathered a child. Kathryn felt herself drift asleep in the quiet and stillness of the room and was almost carried away when she heard someone come in. Her senses were alert again and she opened her eyes, looking to see who it was. Tears welled in her eyes when she saw it was Chakotay. He walked over to her and there were tears in his eyes too.

"It's good to see you, Kathryn."

Kathryn nodded and sat up a little. "You too."

There was a moment of awkwardness but Chakotay broke it with a smile. "But I have to confess, a maternity ward wasn't quite the place I was expecting to catch up with you."

"No," Kathryn replied, managing a soft smile. "I don't suppose it was."

Chakotay stepped forward and handed her the flowers and the teddy bear. "Congratulations."

Kathryn took the gifts. "Thank you."

Her eyes held Chakotay's and she saw so much warmth in them, the warmth she had always seen in them. But there was an unmistakable pain in them too, a distinct sadness.

"How are you feeling?"

"Sore," Kathryn replied, "tired."

"B'Elanna says there were complications."

"Yes." She put the flowers and teddy bear down on the bed. "I suffered a uterine rupture during labor. The doctors say it's a miracle both the baby and I survived." She paused. "There was some internal damage. I won't be able to have any more children." She looked up at him and managed a soft smile. "But at my age, I'm fortunate to have had one. I'm not a spring chicken anymore."

Chakotay smiled in return and for a moment they lost themselves in each others eyes. Then Chakotay broke their gaze and turned in the direction of the incubator which was situated at the opposite side of the bed. There was a tiny creature lying inside. He was naked and attached to wires, but seemed to be sleeping peacefully.

"So," Chakotay said, "are you going to introduce me to Janeway junior?"

Kathryn turned to the incubator herself. "Of course. But you'll have to look at him through the glass. He's not strong enough to survive on his own or to be exposed to our air yet."

Chakotay walked over to the incubator and gazed at the baby inside. Tears welled in his eyes at his tiny perfection. "He's amazing, Kathryn, absolutely amazing."

Kathryn touched the glass and a tear ran down her cheek. "I can't believe he's mine. So many times since he was born, I've just lay here, looking at him."

The baby clenched and unclenched his fist and then spread out his tiny fingers.

"Have you decided on a name?"

Kathryn nodded. "Edward, after my father. Edward Alexander Janeway." She ran her fingers over the glass before breaking contact with it. "But it will be Alex for short. He seems too small to be an Edward or an Alexander yet."

Chakotay smiled. "Alex suits him perfectly."

Kathryn watched Chakotay gaze at the baby and fresh tears welled in her eyes. It had been so long since they had seen each other, too long, and she had missed him dreadfully. She had needed her best friend over the past few months more than she had ever needed him. But, like all the other men she had loved in her life, she thought he was gone from her life forever.

"Why didn't you write to me?" Her voice sounded humble, even to her own ears.

Chakotay turned his attention from the baby to her. His eyes were heavy and, when he spoke, his voice was sad too. "Why didn't you write to me?"

"I didn't know what to say," she answered quietly.

"Neither did I." He paused. "I didn't even know you were pregnant. I only found out today when I visited B'Elanna."

Kathryn looked away from his eyes, her own blinded by tears. "I'm sorry."

Chakotay sat before her on the bed. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you. It must have been a shock, finding out you were pregnant."

"Yes it was," Kathryn replied, lying back against the pillows. "I didn't have a clue. The Admiral didn't say anything. I don't suppose she thought it was necessary." She paused, not wanting to think again of that future. "I didn't find out until four months into the pregnancy. It wasn't until then that I began to feel tired and to suffer from nausea. I thought it was just exhaustion, you know, that I was working too hard. It didn't help that the pregnancy was almost four trimesters instead of three so everything was much slower happening to me." She paused again. "I was scared at first. The doctors had no information on Jaffen's species and without that they didn't know what would happen, how long the pregnancy would be or what complications there could be. But I was happy too. I had always wanted a child of my own and by a miracle I was having one." Another tear ran down her cheek and she wiped it away. "I don't even know why I'm crying. Hormones, I guess."

"And you've been through a lot," Chakotay said kindly. "You need to work through your feelings."

She nodded and then picked up the bouquet of flowers from the bed and turned to put them on the table beside her. She gazed at them a moment. There were so many different flowers, so many different colors, and more tears welled in her eyes when she saw a peach rose. She touched the flower and remembered the one Chakotay had once given her. He had loved her so much then, so much it frightened her. But now it was the depth of her own feelings that frightened her and the knowledge that she had lost him.

"We should have taken more moonlight sails on Lake George," Chakotay said, the rose clearly evoking the same memory for him.

"Yes," Kathryn said, turning away from the flower.

"Maybe we can do the real thing," Chakotay continued, "take junior with us."

Kathryn forced a smile, but avoided his eyes. "That would be nice."

Chakotay watched her closely. She was hurting, he could see that, and knew part of it was his fault.

"I'm sorry I've hurt you, Kathryn," he said quietly.

"We've hurt each other," she replied. " I pushed you away so many times that it was only a matter of time before you found someone else." She paused. "But I did love you, very much. I want you to know that."

Chakotay reached for her hand and held it in his. "I loved you too." His voice fell to barely a whisper. "I still love you. I always will."

Kathryn looked up at him and looked deep into his eyes. "I still love you too."

Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek and a tear ran down his own. For so long he had dreamt of hearing her say those words, but thought it was only in a dream that he ever would.

"I wanted him to be your baby, Chakotay," Kathryn continued. "You don't know how much I wanted that."

"He can be my baby," Chakotay whispered. "He can be our baby. Our son." He paused and then looked deep into her eyes. "Let's waste no more time. Marry me, Kathryn. Marry me and let us be a true family."

Kathryn smiled through tears and squeezed his hand tight. "On one condition."

"What's that?"

"You teach junior to cook"

Chakotay smiled. "You have a deal."

Gently he began to stroke her brow. She looked exhausted and was obviously fighting sleep. A gentle touch would soothe her, make her give in to the battle. She closed her eyes, succumbing to the lullaby of his fingers.

"The sea," she whispered. "I always wanted to marry by the sea."

"Then we will," he replied softly.

He continued to stroke her brow and in moments Kathryn was fast asleep. Chakotay gently removed his hand from beneath hers and lowered hers to the bed with a kiss. He gazed at her for a while, memorizing every feature of her face, every freckle. Her face was pale and her hair was damp, but he thought she had never looked more beautiful. He kissed her forehead gently and then turned towards the incubator. He picked up the teddy bear that was still on the bed and put it on the shelf above the incubator. He then looked down at Alex and marveled once again at his perfection. He touched the glass close to the baby's tiny hand and smiled tearfully, his heart already overflowing with love for the child.

"I'm going to be your Dad," he whispered. "And I promise that I will love you and take care of you always."

Alex slowly stretched out his hand towards the glass, almost as though he understood.

Gentle waves kissed a golden shore and a golden sun shone down from blue heavens. Kathryn held Chakotay's hands tight in hers as they made sacred vows to each other in the company of close family and friends. She was dressed in a simple, but elegant, white gown, and around her neck wore a chain of gold that her father had given her for her sixteenth birthday. Chakotay was a stark contrast in a suit of charcoal, but their colors blended, complimented each other, just like their personalities. Naomi stood behind them in a gown of peach satin and proudly held the bride's bouquet. Kathryn had no doubts, no fears, and knew that Chakotay felt the same way. There was so much love in his eyes that she was almost drowning in it. She could hardly believe that only three weeks ago she had thought Chakotay was lost to her forever. It all seemed like a dream, a beautiful dream. She had a miracle son who was thriving and would soon be well enough to leave hospital and she was marrying a man she had loved so much for so long. If it was a dream, she didn't want to wake up. At last they were pronounced husband and wife and they sealed their union with a tender kiss. Now they truly belonged to each other, always, forever...

END OF CHAPTER 3