TEN YEARS LATER

CHAPTER 5

"Coffee, black."

Kathryn picked up a steaming pot of hot coffee that her replicator had just made for her. It was her first that morning and she was looking forward to it. She never had been able to give up the substance, although to keep Chakotay and the Doctor happy she had promised to drink no more than three cups a day. So far she had kept that promise. She went over to her large Starfleet desk, sat in her chair, and took a long, satisfying, sip of coffee. She then leant back against her chair and gazed at the picture of her, Chakotay, and Alex adorning her desk. It had been taken ten years ago when they had visited Treasure Island Fun Park. Some one had seen Chakotay taking a photo of her and Alex and had asked if they would like a photo of them all together. It was strange. She had lots of photos of herself with Alex, of Chakotay with Alex, but very few photos of the three of them together. Alex was a young man of eighteen now and a first year cadet at Starfleet Academy. Just as Dr Shaw had predicted, he had grown rapidly in adolescence and was taller even than Chakotay now. She had always encouraged him to pursue his own interests and to do for a career what he wanted to do, but he was as passionate about space and science as she always had been. He was a gifted scientist too and had everything it would take to move swiftly up the ranks of Starfleet. She was proud of him, very proud, but a part of her was anxious about his choice too. Starfleet was a dangerous profession and every day the dark figure of Death lurked in the shadows. A part of her wished he had chosen to be an artist or a musician, anything "safe". He told her that he had no desire to serve on starships and wanted to teach at the Academy or work at Starfleet Headquarters, but she knew the pull of space only too well. It had taken something as drastic as being stranded in the Delta Quadrant for seven years to satisfy her hunger for exploration. But perhaps the pull of Earth was stronger for Alex. He and Miral had been good friends all of their lives and now they were lovers too. She knew that part of his desire to stay on Earth was to be with her. She too was at Starfleet Academy, a year above him, and also wanted to serve on Earth rather than in space. Like all young lovers they just wanted to be together. She had seen many young lovers come and go through her years at Starfleet and had seen most relationships wither away after a while, but something told her that Alex and Miral would be different. They had years of friendship behind them, had helped each other through hard times, had laughed together in good ones, and they knew and understood each other completely.

Suddenly the door chime sounded. Kathryn took another sip of her coffee before bidding whoever was there to enter. She had hoped to have her coffee break uninterrupted, but that was a rare occurrence. The gray doors opened and Reg Barclay came in. He was obviously flustered and was struggling to get his words. Kathryn put down her coffee, sensing that something had happened.

"What's is it, Reg?"

He stuttered again for a moment, but then began to get his words. "Things..." He paused, struggled again. "Things didn't ... didn't go as planned today..."

Kathryn stood up and walked over to him. "What things?"

"In class. I ... I asked all cadets ... what subject ... Voyager subject they would like to ... to write a paper on ... James Horlton ... he ... he said ... on Quarren and whether ... and ... whether what happened to ... the brain ... washing ... whether you and ... and Jaffen ... whether it ...whether it... con ... constituted... rape."

Kathryn's stomach knotted in both anger and fear. She knew Alex was in that class.

"The others ... they said ... no ... for Alex ... But he ... James ... he was insistent ... Alex left ... can't find him ... I'm sorry..."

Kathryn put her hand on Reg's shoulder. "It's not your fault, Reg. James Horlton is a very troubled young man from a troubled home and has always been jealous of Alex. He used to bully him at school and even when we moved Alex to another school, he would still be nasty to him whenever the opportunity arose. I thought he would have outgrown it by this age, but evidently not."

Reg was calmer now and his words came easier. "I ... I've searched everywhere for Alex ... tried to locate him ... but he's not in the Academy."

"I'll find him," Kathryn said kindly. "You return to your students."

The familiar river sparkled in the sunlight as Kathryn approached it. Just as she had imagined, Alex was sitting on the same rock she had always sat upon when she wanted to be alone. He was gazing out at the water, lost in a world of his own. She slowly walked over to him.

"I just thought I would find you here."

Alex flinched a little at the sound of his mother's voice, but otherwise was still.

It tore at Kathryn's heart to see the tears on his cheeks. She put her hand on his shoulder.

"Reg told me what happened."

Only silence answered her.

She moved her hand to Alex's hair and ran her fingers through his curls just as she had when he was a little boy. It had been difficult, telling him that she had been under mind-control when she was involved with Jaffen, but she had told him about their relationship in a way that made it sound romantic, and she had stressed over and over how much she had loved Jaffen. If she could, she would not have told him about the mind-control, but everything that happened in the Delta Quadrant was public knowledge and it would be terrible for him if he found out from someone else.

"James said those things because he wanted to hurt you," she continued. "But he's talking the same nonsense he always has."

Alex turned to her slowly and there was infinite pain in his eyes when he looked into hers.

"But you were under mind-control. If you had been in your own mind, you would never have..." He paused, fought the tears. "It's just the same as..." He could say no more and wept softly.

Kathryn sat on the rock and wrapped her arm around her son.

"You were made with love, darling," she said tearfully. "Never doubt that. Never ever doubt that. Yes I was under mind-control, but as I've told you before, I was still me. I just didn't remember anything about my past. No one made me do anything that I didn't want to do and Jaffen had no idea that my memory had been tampered with. We worked together at the plant and we fell in love. We set up home together and we were very happy. He loved me and would never have hurt me. He took care of me, even saved my life. He was a good, kind, man and he will always occupy a special place in my heart because he gave you to me. You should be proud of having him as your biological father, very proud."

Alex's tears ebbed but she could see that there was still doubt, uncertainty.

"But if you loved each other so much," he said quietly, "why didn't he stay with you on Voyager?" He looked into his mother's eyes. "Tell me the truth, Mom, please."

Kathryn brushed a curl away from his forehead. "I've told you the truth before, honey. Jaffen stayed on Quarren because it was impossible for us to be together. I had responsibilities, obligations, and I wasn't in a position to have a relationship with anyone, not even Chakotay, and it wouldn't have been fair to expect Jaffen to spend the rest of his life on a starship."

Alex looked away. He seemed to have accepted her words, and yet...

"Or was it because when your memory returned you knew you loved Dad?"

Kathryn knew he meant Chakotay. Chakotay was Dad to him and always would be. "That was part of it," she said honestly, "but that doesn't mean I didn't love Jaffen while I was on Quarren. I loved him very much and he loved me. I was just confused when I had my memory back. I loved him, I knew that, but I just..."

"You loved Dad more?"

Kathryn nodded. "I'm sorry."

Alex turned back to her and squeezed her hand. "Don't be sorry, Mom. You couldn't have known you would fall pregnant with me and even if you had known, I wouldn't have wanted you to stay with Jaffen just because of me."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she touched Alex's tear stained face. "I never planned to have a child with Jaffen, but I was happy when I found out I was having you, Alex, very happy. You were a miracle, the most wonderful surprise I have ever had in my life."

Alex smiled softly. "Really?"

She nodded sincerely. "I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love, and I can't imagine my life without you in it. I could never love anyone more than I love you and I could never love any man as much as I love Chakotay. I never thought I would say it, but I'm glad we got stranded in the Delta Quadrant, I'm so thankful that it brought both of you into my life." She paused. "I just wish sometimes that Quarren wasn't at the other side of the galaxy so that you would have a chance to meet Jaffen, get to know him."

"I've wondered about him," Alex admitted, "wondered what he's like, what he would think of me. But I don't love him..." He paused. "I know that might sound cold, but he's just a name, a face in a photograph..." He paused again. "You once told me that Chakotay was my father in every way that matters and that's how I feel ... that he's my father."

"As you should," Kathryn replied. "There's nothing cold about it. Chakotay is the one who has loved you and raised you. He is your father and always will be." She smiled and drew away from him, tugging at his hand as she stood up. "Come on. We both have an Academy to get back too and you a class on the Hive mind."

Alex smiled and got to his feet. "I mustn't be late for that. The teacher is a real dragon."

Kathryn laughed and poked his stomach. "That's a name you reserve for your mother-in-law, not your mother, thank you very much. And if you ever marry Miral... well, I've seen B'Elanna on bad days..."

Alex laughed too and Kathryn held out her arms to him. "Give me a hug."

Alex gladly obliged and they held each other tight in the still of the autumn woodland. Then, Kathryn hit her commbadge, requested transportation, and they dematerialized.

END OF CHAPTER 5