1/19/02: Reread this and my first thought was "Ye gads! That sucks!" So it got rewritten…probably made it worse. I'll get part 7 out sometime in the near future…

*Waves excitedly* Hello everyone! This is my first yaoi and my first Rurouni Kenshin fanfic! Let me get the wonderful little authors notes out of the way. Pairing: Sore wa himitsu desu!!!!!! It'll spoil it if I tell but if you really want to know scroll down to the end of the fic, I'll have it written there. Okay, now for the disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin; it belongs to its respective companies. I am a high school student; you sue me you'll get squat and a bill for legal fees. Now for the warnings: This will be yaoi/ shonen ai, which means male/male relationships, GAY! I will not tolerate flames from people about Kenshin's sexuality, it's my fic and he'll be what I damn well please. There's a touch of angst, and possibly sap depending on how you look at it. Okay I'm done ranting, this particular fic will have a hint of lime but nothing to bad, I mean I get embarrassed writing kissing scenes so it won't get to far, I may imply something but that depends on how you look at it. If you're still with me enjoy, and please comment because I need encouragement to write. Do let me know if I go overboard I can get a little lost in my writing at times. Beware the POV changes often and without much warning!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Balance and Control: Part 1~~~~~~~~~~~~~

       Snow, so it was winter already. Anniversaries have a tendency to creep up on me; the snow reminds me of the day Tomoe died. Today is not a day for the light-hearted Rurouni's antics; the Battousai's wounded soul desires to remember in peace. Fortunately it is still early, Karou and Yahiko are still sleeping, and I can leave without being questioned. Standing outside the dojo I jump onto the roof, I do not want to walk in the street there is too much of a chance I would run into someone I knew. Leaping from roof to roof I have time to think about where I'm going, there is a forest right outside of town and I know of a clearing that I will remain undisturbed. Jumping off the last roof, I take refuge in the dense forest. The snow crunches loudly under my feet; it's strange how much the forest here resembles the one in Otsu. The gods must delight in causing me pain like this, I know I deserve it though; I deserve this pain tenfold for all the lives I took, especially Kiyosato's and Tomoe's.  My hand comes up to trace the scar on my cheek, one slash made in an unforgiving anger, the other in forgiveness.  It's been ten years since I received Tomoe's mark; perhaps it is finally time to move on, I have found someone I love just as much as I loved her. I'm not worthy of them though; my hands are stained with too much blood they would be better off without me. Most would be surprised to know it wasn't Karou; I do care for her but only like an older brother would care for his younger sister. She believes she loves me now but it is just a crush that will pass in time. After the others found this out they would believe I had eyes for Megumi; that is also untrue. Megumi is a close friend of mine, she does not love me, she flirts with me to tease Karou. Megumi knows my secret; I must say she wasn't very shocked when I told her who I loved. She knew about it before I did, her nickname the female fox is well earned. Now the others would be truly confused, if it isn't Karou or Megumi, who could it be? It couldn't be one of the Oniwa Banshu girls in Kyoto. It defiantly wasn't Tae or any of the other waitresses at the Akabeko. They would then assume that I had a girlfriend they didn't know about and ask question relentlessly. They would be shocked to learn that it wasn't a girl. I love Sanosuke. Sanosuke could never love me, he'll probably settle down with Megumi soon. It doesn't matter though, for him I would wait forever.

            I don't why I followed him, after hearing his light footsteps on my roof I felt compelled to see who would be walking on my rooftop. Figures it was him; not many have such a great sense of balance. I was thrilled to find out that he was too wrapped up in his thoughts to notice my presence when we reached the clearing. Perhaps the gods do hear my prayers once in a while. Watching Kenshin is one of my favorite pastimes, there's just something that draws you to him. When I told Megumi about it she didn't seem surprised, actually she was smirking, that damned fox knew something. I walk a few steps closer to the tree Kenshin was under; he seemed to be talking to himself. I knew it was rude to eavesdrop like this but I couldn't help myself, I was curious to know why he had secluded himself like this. In those short few minutes I learned a lot about why Kenshin is the way he is. My heart ached as I thought about the pain he felt; hmm he isn't finished yet. Leaning closer I strain to catch his last words; it's so cold I can see my breath, now Kenshin's shivering. Eventually I'm going to talk him into buying some winter clothes.

"I love Sanosuke…It doesn't matter though, for him I would wait forever"

I'm the one Kenshin loves? What about…or that time…but…I can't seem to keep my mind on anything. Did I just imagine him saying that? Kenshin couldn't really love me; he's in love with Karou. Just to make sure I reached over and pinched my arm. Stifling a yelp I rubbed the now sore spot, I guess I'm not imagining this. Surprise gave way to guilt in a second; I don't want Kenshin to know I'm spying on him. If he knew I sometimes followed him I would never get to see him when he lets his guard down. He doesn't appear to be guarded to most, but after spending time with him I noticed he is usually acting for the sake of the others. Reaching a decision I try to quietly slip away and resolve later tell Kenshin about my feelings after I treated him to dinner at the Akabeko. Standing up slowly and I began to walk back towards the path, careful not to make a sound. *Snap* The sound of a snapping twig causes my breath to catch; Kenshin must know I'm here now. I decide to ponder on how I snapped a twig under a foot of snow later, now I need to come up with some kind of explanation.

The snapping of a twig causes me to reflexively jump to my feet. Placing one hand on my sakaba, I warily eyed the tree line, someone's there. It seems I cannot find peace anywhere now. There is only one person there, he's too far away for me to read his ki, I'll have to draw him closer.

"Who's there? Show yourself de gozaru!"

I hear the shuffling of feet in the bushes; they do not sound like they are planning to attack. Regardless, I shift into a better position; I will not be caught off guard. I can almost see who it is; they are tall and well built, with spiky brown…Sanosuke! I straighten up immediately; did he hear what I said? He must be disgusted with me now; I back away a few steps as my hands fall to my sides.

Cursing my luck thoroughly as I step out of the thick bushes, I notice there was an amber undertone in Kenshin's eyes; he is expecting a fight. Kenshin must be so pissed right about now; the amber color only appeared when he was angry. Gulping I brace myself for the tongue-lashing, to my surprise one never came. Instead Kenshin started to back away from me, his eyes widened in fear, the amber disappearing in an instant. He seems frightened; after a moment of thought I conclude that he must be afraid of my reaction. Cautiously I take a few steps forward, I feel like I am trying to approach a frightened deer.

I bow my head, Sanosuke must be angry with me. I can hear him coming closer, his steps cautious. If he tries to hit me I won't try to avoid his blows, I deserve it. I'm starting to think that I was never meant to find true happiness. Then again, after all the happiness I ruined I don't deserve to find my own. I hope Sanosuke will forgive me though, it hurts enough knowing he only sees me as a friend and now possibly an enemy. Life would be unbearable now if I knew he hated me. Perhaps it's time I leave Tokyo, if Sanosuke rejects me I will go elsewhere, I think I will go to Otsu and visit the forest. He's in front of me now, I can feel some moisture on my cheek, I'm crying?

                        I'm standing in front of him now; I can't see his eyes, his bangs are in the way.  His trembling prevents me from brushing them away. Why is he shaking like that? A sparkle catches my eye and I see a tear slip down his cheek. Without thinking I bring my hand up to gently brush it away. At my touch he lifts his head, I can see his eyes now. I can still see fear reflected in them. My hand lingers on his cheek; I can't bring myself to pull it away. I'm still not sure if this is real, I could have dreamed the pain when I pinched myself. It's not like I haven't had a dream about him before, most of them just weren't like this.

            I kept waiting for him to yell at me, to say he hates me; instead he brushes away the tears on my face. His hand still hasn't left my cheek; I'm confused now. I look up into his eyes but I can't see a trace of the hate and anger I expected. I place my hand over Sanosuke's; perhaps he does care for me. I close some of the distance between us and lean on his chest. I've probably gone too far now, but at least I know what it felt like to be this close to him. Inhaling deeply I try to commit his scent to memory, I want to remember everything about him. I have only one last thing to do before I can leave, pressing my face into his chest I whisper,

            "Aishiteru Sanosuke"

            "Aishiteru Sanosuke"

            He said it. I am most defiantly not dreaming this. He's probably got a fever and isn't thinking straight. I'm going to buy him a jacket or something as soon as we get back. I might as well take advantage of the situation before Kenshin comes back to his senses; it may the only chance I'll get. Wrapping my arms around him I can't help but notice that he fits perfectly against my chest. I give into the urge to nuzzle his hair; it's soft and has nice scent. He still seems a little unsure about I'm doing, praying that he won't remember this later and kick my ass for it I whisper into his hair.

            "Aishiteru Kenshin"

            He loves me? This can't be possible; he's with Megumi, right? I've never seen those two go out together or anything though…still has to be a mistake. Sanosuke should marry a pretty woman who'll provide him with sons and give him the family he deserves. He doesn't need to be burdened by some penniless killer.

            Kenshin and Sanosuke stayed in each other's arms until the snow stopped falling, each immersed in his own thoughts. Acting on impulse, Sanosuke leaned down to place a light kiss on Kenshin's lips. In response Kenshin wrapped his arms around Sanosuke's neck and began to kiss back. Unnoticed Sanosuke's hand tugged at the ribbon binding Kenshin's hair. Breaking the kiss, Sanosuke focused his attention on the stubborn band, after a few insistent tugs it finally broke, releasing Kenshin's hair. Running his fingers through the silky strands Sanosuke recaptured Kenshin's lips. Eager to go farther, Sanosuke ran his tongue along Kenshin's lips, silently asking for permission. Granting it, Kenshin parted his lips to allow Sanosuke entry. Needing no encouragement, Sanosuke tasted and explored Kenshin's mouth. Their kiss lasted for a few minutes until the need of air forced them to part. 

Panting, I looked into Kenshin's eyes; his eyes were so amazing as they changed. Sometime during our kiss his eyes had gained an amber undertone, but this time the amber coloring didn't seem frightening, it looked warm. I found it reassuring to see that both sides of Kenshin loved me, whether he was the Rurouni or Battousai at the time. I caught a vaguely familiar scent in the air, it smelled like a white plum, couldn't be, they didn't blossom in the winter. At least I didn't think they did, doesn't matter, Kenshin will know.

            "Kenshin do you smell that?"

            I sniffed the air delicately after I heard Sanosuke's comment, the breeze did faintly smell of white plums. I give Sanosuke a small smile, thank you Tomoe for approving of my choice. Tomoe is with her fiancée, and now I've finally found another to share my life with. Unfortunately it is getting to be time of us to go back, it would be lunch soon and I don't want to worry Karou too much. Something felt off though, I couldn't decide what it was until a stronger breeze blew a great about of hair into my face.

            "Sano, where is my ribbon? We should go back before everyone comes looking for us."

            Laughing nervously I hand Kenshin what is left of his ribbon. He examines it for a minute then sighs. He once told me in private that he only left his hair down around the one he loved, namely Tomoe. I was overjoyed that I also had the privilege to see him with his hair unbound and I didn't want to share it with everyone we passed on the street. I thought for a minute then undid the bandanna around my head. Maybe if I tear it, it'll work as a substitute until we get back to Jou-chan's place. Ripping it in half I hand it to Kenshin. He's seems surprised, he knows how much that this bandanna means to me. I can always replace it, but I can't replace him.

            I'm shocked when Sanosuke hands me the halves of his bandanna, he told me about the Sekihou Tai and the story behind the bandanna. I take the pieces and use one half to tie back my hair in a high ponytail. I know that I haven't worn my hair that way in years but Sanosuke seems to awaken the part of me that is the Battousai. I don't really mind though, for once the Battousai isn't urging me to kill. He's actually being quite supportive and trying to help. Of course, I'm not so sure about his idea of help. Deciding to think about that late I place the other half of the bandanna in my sleeve. Grabbing Sanosuke's hand as I lead him out of the forest using a less traveled path I had recently discovered.

            It's morning already. I had the most wonderful dream about Kenshin last night. I start to stretch but stop when I feel a warm lump by my side. Pulling back the blanket I was shocked to see Kenshin cuddling up to me. I never really thought he'd be the cuddling type when he slept. I always thought he'd be an annoyingly light sleeper who didn't move at all. I smile as memories of yesterday and last night come back to me; so it wasn't a dream. Laying back down I placed an arm possessively over Kenshin. If the dawn is the symbol of a new day, perhaps it is also a symbol of all new things.

~Owari~

For all you people who couldn't wait to find out the pairing is SanoxKenshin!!!!!! Didn't really have to wait that long though…I can't keep a secret.

Whew I'm finally done. That kind of sucked but be gentle when you review my poor ego can't take much more. And if I feel like it I might write the story about the ribbon. Let me know if you're interested. Well Ja ne minna!