CHARMEDED BIG BROTHER - WEEK TWO
A/N: Okay kids, we're here for the long haul. I discovered that dag nammit there is a LOT of things I have to include in each chapter, so I'm sorry, but I think every instalment of this is going to be pretty long. Hope that's no problem! Unfortunately, due to the length, I can only show you the important stuff that happens, otherwise I'd have too much to write!
KT: Day 12 (I am so making these up as I go along). The votes are in. Big Brother is about to announce who the first person to leave the Big Brother compound is. How exciting.
INT. GIRLS' BEDROOM. PHOEBE IS SHOWING PAIGE HER WOOLLY PINK HATS, PAIGE LOOKS LIKE SHE'D RATHER BE IMPALED ON A LARGE BLADE OF GRASS THAN WATCH FREEBIE.
PHOEBE: La la la... do you like my grass skirt?
PAIGE: You're not wearing a grass skirt. And if you were, I'd rather be impaling myself on it than watch you prance about.
PHOEBE: Thanks! You're always so nice to me Paige, you're one of the few people around here who I actually like. I really hate Piper.
PIPER ENTERS.
PHOEBE: Piper my girl! *hugs Piper*
PAIGE: I'm gonna throw up!
PAIGE RAPIDLY EXITS.
PHOEBE: Thank AP she left, that girl really gets on my nerves.
BB: Will the housemates please gather in the main room.
PIPER: Say please.
STONY SILENCE.
CUT TO: THE SOFA ARRANGEMENT IN THE MAIN ROOM. MOST OF THE HOUSEMATES ARE THERE, AND PAIGE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM WIPING HER MOUTH. PIPER JOGS IN WITH PHOEBE CLUTCHING HER HAND. THEY ALL SIT DOWN. BUCKLANDS GUY AND COLE FACE EACH OTHER OFF. TONIGHT, ONE OF THEM GOES. BUT WHO?
BB: Hello housemates, this is KT.
ALL: Hi KT.
BB: The votes are in, and I can tell you all that the first ever person to be evicted from Charmeded Big Brother is...
ABBEY: Charmeded?
BB: *coughs* I mean, Big Brother... is...
QUITE POSSIBLY THE LONGEST PAUSE KNOWN TO MAN.
LONGER.
LONGER.
LONGER.
BB: Bucklands Guy.
BUCKO: Oh my god! I didn't even get laid.
PIPER: Dream on mother f*cker.
BUCKO: Hey mom has nothing to do with this... this time!
ALL: Ew.
BB: Bucko, get the hell out.
A LARGE TUBE IS EXTENDED FROM THE CEILING AND SUCKS BUCKLANDS GUY UP INTO IT. BAM! HE'S GONE. THE HOUSEMATES CHAT, SHOCKED AND CONFUSED. POOR SODS.
THEN... THE DOORS OF THE BIG BROTHER COMPOUND SWING OPEN AND A FIGURE STANDS THERE, HER WILD HAIR FLOATING IN THE WIND, OH, WAIT, JUST TOO MUCH HAIRSPRAY. ANYWAYS. SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND MAKES HER WAY DOWN THE STAIRS. WOOPS! SHE SLIPPED! BAM BAM BAM BAM BITCH WENT DAHN!
ABBEY: She's beautiful!
ANDY: She is that.
PIPER: If ever I saw someone who I imagine looks like Astral Prue, she is the one.
NEWBIE: Hi guys, I'm Prue.
KT(VO): Praise be to Astral P! The new housemate, taken on to replace Bucklands Guy is Prudence. She will live as a housemate and see how well she fares. Since she needs a week to settle in, voting is non-applicable for the lovely lady.
PRUE: Hey a lot of people tell me that if they ever picture AP in their minds, they think of me. That's sweet that I resemble our great deity Astral Prue. And I share a name with her, but let's not count that.
CUT TO:
SEVERAL OF THE HOUSEMATES, ANDY, PHOEBE, PIPER, PRUE, LEO, DARRYL, COLE, THE SOURCE, ABBEY, PAIGE... OH WAIT, THAT'S EVERYBODY ISN'T IT? DAMMIT, I JUST COUNTED WHO WAS THERE AND IT'S ALL OF THEM. WASTE OF FECKING TIME. RIGHT. THE HOUSEMATES ARE SPREAD AROUND THE MAIN ROOM, CHATTING. ABBEY STARES INTENTLY AT PRUE ALL THROUGH THE FOLLOWING.
KT(VO): Day 17. Nomination day. Today is also the day that the housemates get to see what the 'consequence' that being kicked out of Big Brother involves for recent evictee Bucklands Guy.
PHOEBE: Does the word 'really' really exist?
UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE AS EVERYONE THINKS THIS ONE OVER.
PHOEBE: And what about the word 'so'? What does it 'REALLY' mean?
PIPER: Oh god, I think my universe is imploding!
PRUE: Does space end?
KIT THE CAT SCAMPERS ACROSS THE FLOOR YOWLING. IT SEEMS SOMEWHAT DISTRESSED.
ANDY: Where'd that cat come from?
PAUSE.
LEO: What does it all mean?
DARRYL SITS BACK AND STARTS SMOKING A CIGAR.
PRUE: Where'd that come from Darryl? A cigar bar? Oh can I come next time?
PHOEBE: Damn that looks like a fine cigar.
COLE: You look finer!
PHOEBE SQUEALS IN CHILDISH DELIGHT. COLE GIGGLES LIKE A LITTLE GIRL AND THEY... 'SNUGGLE'.
DARRYL: Sure.
SOURCE: The word 'so' means 'therefore' and the word 'really' means 'truly'. It's quite simple really.
ALL STARE AT THE SOURCE.
PIPER: Well spoil our f*cking fun!
ABBEY: Prue, what do you wash your hair with?
PAIGE: Bleach.
PRUE: No, that would be Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Is it blonde enough now?
FULL SHOT OF PHOEBE. WE SEE SHE'S BLEACHED HER HAIR... USING KITCHEN BLEACH! HER HAIR IS WHITE AND SCARCE, HER SCALP RED AND BLEEDING.
PIPER: Give it a while longer.
PRUE: Uh... nice bald spot!
PHOEBE: What!?! BALD!?! Oh my AP get me my woolly pink hat!
PHOEBE RUNS OUT SCREECHING AND TRYING TO COVER HER BURNING FLESH. SHE ENDS UP PULLING OUT CLUMPS OF HAIR. EVERYBODY LAUGHS, THEN COLE REALISES SOMETHING.
COLE: She's gonna look awful now isn't she? I'm gonna dump her so good!
ABBEY: Prue, do they have any vacancies at Bucklands?
PAUSE.
PRUE: Who told you I work at Bucklands?
ABBEY: I wasn't sifting through your personal belongings and information, oh no I was not!
PRUE: Good. Now back to business.
ANDY: Which was...
BIG BROTHER'S VOICE... RESOUNDS THROUGH THE HOUSE. ON HEARING IT, PHOEBE RUNS THROUGH WEARING A HUGE WOOLLY PINK HAT TO COVER UP HER MONSTROUS HAIR AND JOINS THE REST OF THE HOUSEMATES.
BB: Would all housemates please arrange themselves in front of the viewing screen to be shown a short film.
THE HOUSEMATES CHEER, THINKING THEY'RE IN FOR A TREAT. THEY ARRANGE THEMSELVES IN FRONT OF THE WIDE SCREEN TV SET INTO THE WALL.
KT: *remember the housemates can't hear what KT says* The housemates don't yet know about the consequence that comes with being kicked out of the Big Brother compound. But never you mind folks, they're just about to find out.
WE ZOOM INTO THE WIDE SCREEN TV, SO WE ARE NOW WATCHING IT.
BB: Last week, Bucklands Guy was ejected from the Big Brother house. For those evictees, there is a special surprise waiting for them, plotted by a team of very good judges. Bucklands Guy's special surprise is... *booming voice* Minotaur.
PAIGE: What the Paige?
PIPER: What is this?
BACK ON SCREEN. THE TITLE COMES UP 'MINOTAUR'. WE SEE A HUGE UNDERGROUND MAZE. THE CAMERA TAKES A FEW MOMENTS TO PAN AROUND, SHOWING US HOW CREEPY IT IS. THERE IS A FLASHING BUTTON ON THE RIGHT CORNER SAYING 'LIVE'. WE FIND BUCKLANDS GUY WANDERING AROUND CARRYING A FIRE TORCH. HE LOOKS SCARED, AND IS OH-SO-ALONE.
BUCKO: Um... hello? Anyone?
A LOW RUMBLING GROWL IS HEARD FROM BEHIND HIM. HE STARTS, TURNING AROUND. NOTHING THERE. SWEAT DRIPS DOWN HIS DIRTY FACE. HE'S BEEN THERE FOR A FEW DAYS. HIS CLOTHES ARE DIRTY AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE SMELLS MORE SO THAN USUAL. HE WANDERS AROUND SOME MORE WHIMPERING. THE GROWL IS HEARD AGAIN, LOUDER THIS TIME. HE TURNS AROUND. A HUGE BEAST STANDS THERE, THE TOP HALF IS A BULL AND THE BOTTOM IS HUMAN (I *THINK* THAT'S WHAT THE MINOTAUR LOOKS LIKE, RIGHT?). BUCKO QUITE LITERALLY CRAPS HIMSELF. THE MINOTAUR GLARES AT HIM, GROWLING IMPASSIVELY.
BUCKO: Eep.
CUT TO:
THE HOUSEMATES. THEY ARE WATCHING THE SCREEN, PETRIFIED. SFX: ROAR FROM THE MINOTAUR, BUCKO'S SCREAM, AND THE SOUND OF SLASHING, TEARING AND BITING. WE WATCH THE HOUSEMATES' REACTIONS. WITH EACH NEW NOISE (A ROAR, SCREAM OR THWACK OF FANGS ON FLESH) WE SEE THE HOUSEMATES YELP, FLINCH OR RECOIL. THEY ARE ALL TERRIFIED AND DISGUSTED.
CUT BACK TO THE SCREEN:
IT IS SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD. THEN IT CLICKS OFF.
LONG SILENCE.
PIPER: ... Oh my god... is he... do you really think...
DARRYL: Nah... that's totally against the law!
ANDY: Or is it? Did anyone actually read the contract we all signed before coming in here?
PHOEBE: I did! It said something about unspeakable death if evicted, then I got distracted by a butterfly. And it had pink on it! Imagine that! A pink flutterby!
EVERYBODY TAKES TURNS TO SLAP PHOEBE.
PIPER: I can't believe that when we nominate people we are deciding who we want to send to their deaths!
SOURCE: Old news.
PRUE: Been there, done that. Well I have!
BB: Will Piper please come to the diary room?
PIPER: Oh crap!
CUT TO: INT. DIARY ROOM. PIPER ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
PIPER: Phoebe and Cole.
SHE IS ABOUT TO GET UP AND LEAVE.
BB: Actually Piper, this isn't the nominations.
PIPER: Oh...
SHE SITS BACK DOWN.
BB: It's just a talk. How are you feeling?
PIPER: Um, nauseated. But a stiff scotch will sort that out! No, really, that thing you made us watch, that was disgusting. Really it was. How is it legal for you to make us watch our friend... *pause, thinking* how is it legal for you to make us watch our... acquaintance die?
BB: Piper, you signed a contract documentation announcing you would be prepared to accept the consequences of life in the Big Brother house. This is one of them. Seeing Phoebe and Cole lesbium each other up is another. Having to brush your hair with a sock is another. It's all part of the great scheme of things.
PIPER: Well when you put it that way-
BB: Thank you Piper.
PIPER: Rude much?
PIPER'S CHAIR TURNS AROUND AND TIPS HER OFF, SHE TUMBLES OUT OF THE DOOR.
CUT TO: SITTING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES NERVOUSLY WATCH PIPER RETURN. PIPER FIXES HERSELF A SCOTCH ON THE WAY... ACTUALLY FOUR SCOTCHES... AND MAKES HER WAY BACK.
PAIGE: Is it nominations?
PIPER: Not yet. Big Bro just wanted to chat. Pah!
ALL: Pah!
BB: Will Abbey please come to the diary room?
ABBEY: Oh great. A chat for me too.
CUT TO: INT. DIARY ROOM. ABBEY ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
BB: Please give your nominations.
ABBEY: Hey in the what now? I thought this was just for a chat!
A HAND COMES OUT OF THE WALL AND SLAPS ABBEY.
BB: Abbey, please will you give your nominations.
LONG PAUSE.
ABBEY: But there's no one I want to send to a ghastly death! Well not yet anyway...
ABBEY GETS SLAPPED.
ABBEY: Fine! Fine! Same as last week. Well, I can't remember who I picked last week. Leo, because of that apple shaped face he has and man, he cried earlier on and... royal gala or what?
***A/N: royal gala is a type of apple, p'idiums***
ABBEY: Anyways, him, and... and... oh. Um... Darryl, because... because he laughs really, really loudly.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS ANDY.
ANDY: Well, firstly Whorebe... I mean, Phoebe, because of that travesty with the hair. I thought it was hard to stand her before but now, I mean, oh my AP! Secondly I'm taking Abbey because she is way too much into Prue. And I really like Prue. So I think Abbey should die, because I'm really scared she will try to lesbium Prue up or something!
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS COLE.
COLE: Well, I'm not allowed to nominate Prue because she just got here, but I'm nominating her anyway, because she's so downright mean to my lubb Feebe-
COLE GETS SLAPPED BY THE BIG HAND WHICH IS FAST BECOMING WORN OUT WITH THE HUGE AMOUNT OF SLAPPING IT'S HAD TO DO. GUESS BB UNDERESTIMATED HOW MUCH DISCIPLINING THIS BUNCH NEEDS. MAYBE IT SHOULD WHIP THEM PENANCE STYLE.
COLE: Rude much? Okay, okay. Um. The Source because he won't let me see him naked, and Abbey because she likes Prue. Happy now?
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS DARRYL.
DARRYL: To tell you the truth, I really don't agree with this but... Cole because he's a punkass punk. And also Phoebe, because... I don't know where to start with a reason okay? She blows.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS LEO.
LEO: Well, being a beacon of good and all, I'm inclined to refuse to vote.
LEO GETS SLAPPED. HE STARTS... OH DEAR GOD HE'S STARTING TO CRY!
BB: Apple juice anyone?
LEO: Fine! I pick Abbey and Andy, because both their names start with A, and the word 'apples' starts with an A, and I have apple issues.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS HO-FACE. I MEAN PAIGE. EW.
PAIGE: Well, being sweet and kind and all I'll just have to nominate myself.
BB: Normally that is totally against the rules, but you're a special exception that Big Brother is happy to make. Good luck!
PAIGE: Gee thanks! Okay, but if I'm going down, I'm takin Prue with me! Hey that rhymed!
BB: Prue is not available for nominations until she has been in the Big Brother compound for at least one week.
PAIGE: Curses. And figures. Right, well, myself since I'm so kind, and also... um... The Source, cos he's pretty anti-social, and I think he could take on that Minotaur and win. Oh and I thought the Minotaur was a mythological creature... does that mean... does that mean there's a whole world that I don't know about and am a part of? Man I wish Prue had got evicted first then I could come in and replace her. It seems like that's my calling. Oh well.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PIPER.
PIPER: Phoebe and Cole. I think you know why.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PHOEBE.
PHOEBE: Andy and Abbey, because they both like Proo and I don't like Proo. She is mean to me. She looks down on me, as if she's AP or something. So. That's why. Oh um do you think someone could come and fix my hair?
BB: No.
PHOEBE IS SLAPPED.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PRUE.
PRUE: Well, there are a hell of a lot of crap people in this house, the hard thing is picking only two of em! Abbey, because I think she's psychotic and wants to kill me, I mean, she's totally obsessed! Yesterday I walked in and she was trying on my socks! How personal can you get? Okay, rambling. Next I'd pick Phoebe because argh I want her to die Phoebe die!
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS THE SOURCE.
SOURCE: Um, well, Cole for a start, cos he's a pussy-assed evil wannabe. And Abbey, because she's a pussy-assed Prue wannabe. Think that'll do.
CUT TO: THE MAIN LIVING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES ARE CHATTING.
PHOEBE: I nominated Andy and Abbey!
ALL GLARE AT PHOEBE.
KT(VO): Okay, the nominations are in. *KT goes and counts them all... it takes ages... she's really slow you see* Because of the way the nominations went, there are officially three people up for eviction. Let's tell the housemates!
BB: Big Brother house, the votes are in and the nominations are as follows: the housemates up for eviction in week two of Big Brother are...
PAUSE.
HELLA PAUSE.
BB: Abbey.
ABBEY: No! Prue!
BB: And...
HELLA PAUSE.
BB: Andy.
ANDY: No! Prue!
PRUE: Huh everybody seems to lubb me.
BB: And...
ALL: What? And? But there's only supposed to be two nominees. Hey how cool is this we're all talking at the same time in synchronicity!
SILENCE.
BB: Phoebe.
PHOEBE: NO! COLE!
COLE: Oh AP! Why? WHYYYYYYYYYY!
THEY ALL LAMENT AT ANDY'S NOMINATION, AND DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT PHOEBE AND ABBEY. WELL, COLE DOES, ABOUT PHOEBE. AP ONLY KNOWS WHY.
KT(VO): Abbey was the most 'popular' voting choice with a very anti-abbey 7 votes on her head. Both Phoebe and Andy had 3 each. The Source got 2, and Paige, Cole, Darryl and Leo each got one vote. Prue and Piper this week got no votes each. Because they rule. Oh yeah, and Prue wasn't allowed, but still! Okay kids, this is where you come in! Who do you want out? Abbey, Andy, or Phoebe. You decide!
ANDY
ABBEY
PHOEBE
Who's the crappest? You decide!
A/N: Okay kids, we're here for the long haul. I discovered that dag nammit there is a LOT of things I have to include in each chapter, so I'm sorry, but I think every instalment of this is going to be pretty long. Hope that's no problem! Unfortunately, due to the length, I can only show you the important stuff that happens, otherwise I'd have too much to write!
KT: Day 12 (I am so making these up as I go along). The votes are in. Big Brother is about to announce who the first person to leave the Big Brother compound is. How exciting.
INT. GIRLS' BEDROOM. PHOEBE IS SHOWING PAIGE HER WOOLLY PINK HATS, PAIGE LOOKS LIKE SHE'D RATHER BE IMPALED ON A LARGE BLADE OF GRASS THAN WATCH FREEBIE.
PHOEBE: La la la... do you like my grass skirt?
PAIGE: You're not wearing a grass skirt. And if you were, I'd rather be impaling myself on it than watch you prance about.
PHOEBE: Thanks! You're always so nice to me Paige, you're one of the few people around here who I actually like. I really hate Piper.
PIPER ENTERS.
PHOEBE: Piper my girl! *hugs Piper*
PAIGE: I'm gonna throw up!
PAIGE RAPIDLY EXITS.
PHOEBE: Thank AP she left, that girl really gets on my nerves.
BB: Will the housemates please gather in the main room.
PIPER: Say please.
STONY SILENCE.
CUT TO: THE SOFA ARRANGEMENT IN THE MAIN ROOM. MOST OF THE HOUSEMATES ARE THERE, AND PAIGE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM WIPING HER MOUTH. PIPER JOGS IN WITH PHOEBE CLUTCHING HER HAND. THEY ALL SIT DOWN. BUCKLANDS GUY AND COLE FACE EACH OTHER OFF. TONIGHT, ONE OF THEM GOES. BUT WHO?
BB: Hello housemates, this is KT.
ALL: Hi KT.
BB: The votes are in, and I can tell you all that the first ever person to be evicted from Charmeded Big Brother is...
ABBEY: Charmeded?
BB: *coughs* I mean, Big Brother... is...
QUITE POSSIBLY THE LONGEST PAUSE KNOWN TO MAN.
LONGER.
LONGER.
LONGER.
BB: Bucklands Guy.
BUCKO: Oh my god! I didn't even get laid.
PIPER: Dream on mother f*cker.
BUCKO: Hey mom has nothing to do with this... this time!
ALL: Ew.
BB: Bucko, get the hell out.
A LARGE TUBE IS EXTENDED FROM THE CEILING AND SUCKS BUCKLANDS GUY UP INTO IT. BAM! HE'S GONE. THE HOUSEMATES CHAT, SHOCKED AND CONFUSED. POOR SODS.
THEN... THE DOORS OF THE BIG BROTHER COMPOUND SWING OPEN AND A FIGURE STANDS THERE, HER WILD HAIR FLOATING IN THE WIND, OH, WAIT, JUST TOO MUCH HAIRSPRAY. ANYWAYS. SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND MAKES HER WAY DOWN THE STAIRS. WOOPS! SHE SLIPPED! BAM BAM BAM BAM BITCH WENT DAHN!
ABBEY: She's beautiful!
ANDY: She is that.
PIPER: If ever I saw someone who I imagine looks like Astral Prue, she is the one.
NEWBIE: Hi guys, I'm Prue.
KT(VO): Praise be to Astral P! The new housemate, taken on to replace Bucklands Guy is Prudence. She will live as a housemate and see how well she fares. Since she needs a week to settle in, voting is non-applicable for the lovely lady.
PRUE: Hey a lot of people tell me that if they ever picture AP in their minds, they think of me. That's sweet that I resemble our great deity Astral Prue. And I share a name with her, but let's not count that.
CUT TO:
SEVERAL OF THE HOUSEMATES, ANDY, PHOEBE, PIPER, PRUE, LEO, DARRYL, COLE, THE SOURCE, ABBEY, PAIGE... OH WAIT, THAT'S EVERYBODY ISN'T IT? DAMMIT, I JUST COUNTED WHO WAS THERE AND IT'S ALL OF THEM. WASTE OF FECKING TIME. RIGHT. THE HOUSEMATES ARE SPREAD AROUND THE MAIN ROOM, CHATTING. ABBEY STARES INTENTLY AT PRUE ALL THROUGH THE FOLLOWING.
KT(VO): Day 17. Nomination day. Today is also the day that the housemates get to see what the 'consequence' that being kicked out of Big Brother involves for recent evictee Bucklands Guy.
PHOEBE: Does the word 'really' really exist?
UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE AS EVERYONE THINKS THIS ONE OVER.
PHOEBE: And what about the word 'so'? What does it 'REALLY' mean?
PIPER: Oh god, I think my universe is imploding!
PRUE: Does space end?
KIT THE CAT SCAMPERS ACROSS THE FLOOR YOWLING. IT SEEMS SOMEWHAT DISTRESSED.
ANDY: Where'd that cat come from?
PAUSE.
LEO: What does it all mean?
DARRYL SITS BACK AND STARTS SMOKING A CIGAR.
PRUE: Where'd that come from Darryl? A cigar bar? Oh can I come next time?
PHOEBE: Damn that looks like a fine cigar.
COLE: You look finer!
PHOEBE SQUEALS IN CHILDISH DELIGHT. COLE GIGGLES LIKE A LITTLE GIRL AND THEY... 'SNUGGLE'.
DARRYL: Sure.
SOURCE: The word 'so' means 'therefore' and the word 'really' means 'truly'. It's quite simple really.
ALL STARE AT THE SOURCE.
PIPER: Well spoil our f*cking fun!
ABBEY: Prue, what do you wash your hair with?
PAIGE: Bleach.
PRUE: No, that would be Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Is it blonde enough now?
FULL SHOT OF PHOEBE. WE SEE SHE'S BLEACHED HER HAIR... USING KITCHEN BLEACH! HER HAIR IS WHITE AND SCARCE, HER SCALP RED AND BLEEDING.
PIPER: Give it a while longer.
PRUE: Uh... nice bald spot!
PHOEBE: What!?! BALD!?! Oh my AP get me my woolly pink hat!
PHOEBE RUNS OUT SCREECHING AND TRYING TO COVER HER BURNING FLESH. SHE ENDS UP PULLING OUT CLUMPS OF HAIR. EVERYBODY LAUGHS, THEN COLE REALISES SOMETHING.
COLE: She's gonna look awful now isn't she? I'm gonna dump her so good!
ABBEY: Prue, do they have any vacancies at Bucklands?
PAUSE.
PRUE: Who told you I work at Bucklands?
ABBEY: I wasn't sifting through your personal belongings and information, oh no I was not!
PRUE: Good. Now back to business.
ANDY: Which was...
BIG BROTHER'S VOICE... RESOUNDS THROUGH THE HOUSE. ON HEARING IT, PHOEBE RUNS THROUGH WEARING A HUGE WOOLLY PINK HAT TO COVER UP HER MONSTROUS HAIR AND JOINS THE REST OF THE HOUSEMATES.
BB: Would all housemates please arrange themselves in front of the viewing screen to be shown a short film.
THE HOUSEMATES CHEER, THINKING THEY'RE IN FOR A TREAT. THEY ARRANGE THEMSELVES IN FRONT OF THE WIDE SCREEN TV SET INTO THE WALL.
KT: *remember the housemates can't hear what KT says* The housemates don't yet know about the consequence that comes with being kicked out of the Big Brother compound. But never you mind folks, they're just about to find out.
WE ZOOM INTO THE WIDE SCREEN TV, SO WE ARE NOW WATCHING IT.
BB: Last week, Bucklands Guy was ejected from the Big Brother house. For those evictees, there is a special surprise waiting for them, plotted by a team of very good judges. Bucklands Guy's special surprise is... *booming voice* Minotaur.
PAIGE: What the Paige?
PIPER: What is this?
BACK ON SCREEN. THE TITLE COMES UP 'MINOTAUR'. WE SEE A HUGE UNDERGROUND MAZE. THE CAMERA TAKES A FEW MOMENTS TO PAN AROUND, SHOWING US HOW CREEPY IT IS. THERE IS A FLASHING BUTTON ON THE RIGHT CORNER SAYING 'LIVE'. WE FIND BUCKLANDS GUY WANDERING AROUND CARRYING A FIRE TORCH. HE LOOKS SCARED, AND IS OH-SO-ALONE.
BUCKO: Um... hello? Anyone?
A LOW RUMBLING GROWL IS HEARD FROM BEHIND HIM. HE STARTS, TURNING AROUND. NOTHING THERE. SWEAT DRIPS DOWN HIS DIRTY FACE. HE'S BEEN THERE FOR A FEW DAYS. HIS CLOTHES ARE DIRTY AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE SMELLS MORE SO THAN USUAL. HE WANDERS AROUND SOME MORE WHIMPERING. THE GROWL IS HEARD AGAIN, LOUDER THIS TIME. HE TURNS AROUND. A HUGE BEAST STANDS THERE, THE TOP HALF IS A BULL AND THE BOTTOM IS HUMAN (I *THINK* THAT'S WHAT THE MINOTAUR LOOKS LIKE, RIGHT?). BUCKO QUITE LITERALLY CRAPS HIMSELF. THE MINOTAUR GLARES AT HIM, GROWLING IMPASSIVELY.
BUCKO: Eep.
CUT TO:
THE HOUSEMATES. THEY ARE WATCHING THE SCREEN, PETRIFIED. SFX: ROAR FROM THE MINOTAUR, BUCKO'S SCREAM, AND THE SOUND OF SLASHING, TEARING AND BITING. WE WATCH THE HOUSEMATES' REACTIONS. WITH EACH NEW NOISE (A ROAR, SCREAM OR THWACK OF FANGS ON FLESH) WE SEE THE HOUSEMATES YELP, FLINCH OR RECOIL. THEY ARE ALL TERRIFIED AND DISGUSTED.
CUT BACK TO THE SCREEN:
IT IS SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD. THEN IT CLICKS OFF.
LONG SILENCE.
PIPER: ... Oh my god... is he... do you really think...
DARRYL: Nah... that's totally against the law!
ANDY: Or is it? Did anyone actually read the contract we all signed before coming in here?
PHOEBE: I did! It said something about unspeakable death if evicted, then I got distracted by a butterfly. And it had pink on it! Imagine that! A pink flutterby!
EVERYBODY TAKES TURNS TO SLAP PHOEBE.
PIPER: I can't believe that when we nominate people we are deciding who we want to send to their deaths!
SOURCE: Old news.
PRUE: Been there, done that. Well I have!
BB: Will Piper please come to the diary room?
PIPER: Oh crap!
CUT TO: INT. DIARY ROOM. PIPER ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
PIPER: Phoebe and Cole.
SHE IS ABOUT TO GET UP AND LEAVE.
BB: Actually Piper, this isn't the nominations.
PIPER: Oh...
SHE SITS BACK DOWN.
BB: It's just a talk. How are you feeling?
PIPER: Um, nauseated. But a stiff scotch will sort that out! No, really, that thing you made us watch, that was disgusting. Really it was. How is it legal for you to make us watch our friend... *pause, thinking* how is it legal for you to make us watch our... acquaintance die?
BB: Piper, you signed a contract documentation announcing you would be prepared to accept the consequences of life in the Big Brother house. This is one of them. Seeing Phoebe and Cole lesbium each other up is another. Having to brush your hair with a sock is another. It's all part of the great scheme of things.
PIPER: Well when you put it that way-
BB: Thank you Piper.
PIPER: Rude much?
PIPER'S CHAIR TURNS AROUND AND TIPS HER OFF, SHE TUMBLES OUT OF THE DOOR.
CUT TO: SITTING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES NERVOUSLY WATCH PIPER RETURN. PIPER FIXES HERSELF A SCOTCH ON THE WAY... ACTUALLY FOUR SCOTCHES... AND MAKES HER WAY BACK.
PAIGE: Is it nominations?
PIPER: Not yet. Big Bro just wanted to chat. Pah!
ALL: Pah!
BB: Will Abbey please come to the diary room?
ABBEY: Oh great. A chat for me too.
CUT TO: INT. DIARY ROOM. ABBEY ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
BB: Please give your nominations.
ABBEY: Hey in the what now? I thought this was just for a chat!
A HAND COMES OUT OF THE WALL AND SLAPS ABBEY.
BB: Abbey, please will you give your nominations.
LONG PAUSE.
ABBEY: But there's no one I want to send to a ghastly death! Well not yet anyway...
ABBEY GETS SLAPPED.
ABBEY: Fine! Fine! Same as last week. Well, I can't remember who I picked last week. Leo, because of that apple shaped face he has and man, he cried earlier on and... royal gala or what?
***A/N: royal gala is a type of apple, p'idiums***
ABBEY: Anyways, him, and... and... oh. Um... Darryl, because... because he laughs really, really loudly.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS ANDY.
ANDY: Well, firstly Whorebe... I mean, Phoebe, because of that travesty with the hair. I thought it was hard to stand her before but now, I mean, oh my AP! Secondly I'm taking Abbey because she is way too much into Prue. And I really like Prue. So I think Abbey should die, because I'm really scared she will try to lesbium Prue up or something!
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS COLE.
COLE: Well, I'm not allowed to nominate Prue because she just got here, but I'm nominating her anyway, because she's so downright mean to my lubb Feebe-
COLE GETS SLAPPED BY THE BIG HAND WHICH IS FAST BECOMING WORN OUT WITH THE HUGE AMOUNT OF SLAPPING IT'S HAD TO DO. GUESS BB UNDERESTIMATED HOW MUCH DISCIPLINING THIS BUNCH NEEDS. MAYBE IT SHOULD WHIP THEM PENANCE STYLE.
COLE: Rude much? Okay, okay. Um. The Source because he won't let me see him naked, and Abbey because she likes Prue. Happy now?
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS DARRYL.
DARRYL: To tell you the truth, I really don't agree with this but... Cole because he's a punkass punk. And also Phoebe, because... I don't know where to start with a reason okay? She blows.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS LEO.
LEO: Well, being a beacon of good and all, I'm inclined to refuse to vote.
LEO GETS SLAPPED. HE STARTS... OH DEAR GOD HE'S STARTING TO CRY!
BB: Apple juice anyone?
LEO: Fine! I pick Abbey and Andy, because both their names start with A, and the word 'apples' starts with an A, and I have apple issues.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS HO-FACE. I MEAN PAIGE. EW.
PAIGE: Well, being sweet and kind and all I'll just have to nominate myself.
BB: Normally that is totally against the rules, but you're a special exception that Big Brother is happy to make. Good luck!
PAIGE: Gee thanks! Okay, but if I'm going down, I'm takin Prue with me! Hey that rhymed!
BB: Prue is not available for nominations until she has been in the Big Brother compound for at least one week.
PAIGE: Curses. And figures. Right, well, myself since I'm so kind, and also... um... The Source, cos he's pretty anti-social, and I think he could take on that Minotaur and win. Oh and I thought the Minotaur was a mythological creature... does that mean... does that mean there's a whole world that I don't know about and am a part of? Man I wish Prue had got evicted first then I could come in and replace her. It seems like that's my calling. Oh well.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PIPER.
PIPER: Phoebe and Cole. I think you know why.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PHOEBE.
PHOEBE: Andy and Abbey, because they both like Proo and I don't like Proo. She is mean to me. She looks down on me, as if she's AP or something. So. That's why. Oh um do you think someone could come and fix my hair?
BB: No.
PHOEBE IS SLAPPED.
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PRUE.
PRUE: Well, there are a hell of a lot of crap people in this house, the hard thing is picking only two of em! Abbey, because I think she's psychotic and wants to kill me, I mean, she's totally obsessed! Yesterday I walked in and she was trying on my socks! How personal can you get? Okay, rambling. Next I'd pick Phoebe because argh I want her to die Phoebe die!
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS THE SOURCE.
SOURCE: Um, well, Cole for a start, cos he's a pussy-assed evil wannabe. And Abbey, because she's a pussy-assed Prue wannabe. Think that'll do.
CUT TO: THE MAIN LIVING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES ARE CHATTING.
PHOEBE: I nominated Andy and Abbey!
ALL GLARE AT PHOEBE.
KT(VO): Okay, the nominations are in. *KT goes and counts them all... it takes ages... she's really slow you see* Because of the way the nominations went, there are officially three people up for eviction. Let's tell the housemates!
BB: Big Brother house, the votes are in and the nominations are as follows: the housemates up for eviction in week two of Big Brother are...
PAUSE.
HELLA PAUSE.
BB: Abbey.
ABBEY: No! Prue!
BB: And...
HELLA PAUSE.
BB: Andy.
ANDY: No! Prue!
PRUE: Huh everybody seems to lubb me.
BB: And...
ALL: What? And? But there's only supposed to be two nominees. Hey how cool is this we're all talking at the same time in synchronicity!
SILENCE.
BB: Phoebe.
PHOEBE: NO! COLE!
COLE: Oh AP! Why? WHYYYYYYYYYY!
THEY ALL LAMENT AT ANDY'S NOMINATION, AND DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT PHOEBE AND ABBEY. WELL, COLE DOES, ABOUT PHOEBE. AP ONLY KNOWS WHY.
KT(VO): Abbey was the most 'popular' voting choice with a very anti-abbey 7 votes on her head. Both Phoebe and Andy had 3 each. The Source got 2, and Paige, Cole, Darryl and Leo each got one vote. Prue and Piper this week got no votes each. Because they rule. Oh yeah, and Prue wasn't allowed, but still! Okay kids, this is where you come in! Who do you want out? Abbey, Andy, or Phoebe. You decide!
ANDY
ABBEY
PHOEBE
Who's the crappest? You decide!